I''m a very bad GF.....

[fountainfairfax]

I''ve been feeling guilty this weekend...when BF & went grocery shopping on Sat night I had a flash of "silly genius" in the bread isle, called my BF over with "Honey, come here, there''s something I want you to see" He leaves the peanut butter long enough to walk over, says "what?" and I showed him my left hand and said "look, honey, there''s nothing there." It took him a minute, and then he sighed and walked away. I gave it another minute and then shouted back down the isle to peanut butter land ''honey, my hand is naked. look at my poor finger!" We didn''t have an audience but BF was visably pissed. when I told him I was just teasing he said "that''s not funny when you know I can''t do anything about it right now" OUCH! Bad me

(although I''ve posted this a gazillion times, BF is currently unemployed, with no money in the ring budget, I have an inherited omc we''re going to get set when BF has the $$ but that could be months away. and it sucks that I have the moola but still have to go ringless...)

so I apologized and made a mental note not to bring up the ring until he''s employed...sigh....

 

[jenwill]

Ahhhh, the 'been waiting so long verbal jab' vs. the 'now that I am ready I don't have the money so don't rub it in sensitivity' battle.

You are not a bad girlfriend, chin up to the both of you!

 

[ammayernyc]

See... my bf has the money and still no damn ring!

I tell him that a nice, big, shiney thing would be nice for my birthday (next week). Horrible, yes, I know.

However, his response is worse:

"what do you mean, like, a mirror?"!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/11/2005 4:27

5 PM
Author:fountainfairfax
I''ve been feeling guilty this weekend...when BF & went grocery shopping on Sat night I had a flash of ''silly genius'' in the bread isle, called my BF over with ''Honey, come here, there''s something I want you to see'' He leaves the peanut butter long enough to walk over, says ''what?'' and I showed him my left hand and said ''look, honey, there''s nothing there.'' It took him a minute, and then he sighed and walked away. I gave it another minute and then shouted back down the isle to peanut butter land ''honey, my hand is naked. look at my poor finger!'' We didn''t have an audience but BF was visably pissed. when I told him I was just teasing he said ''that''s not funny when you know I can''t do anything about it right now'' OUCH! Bad me

I''m sorry for being blunt, but I''m stunned at this.

I''m a woman, and I''m flabbergasted by this. I''m surprised he didn''t walk right out of the store and leave you standing there. I really would have. I''m SURE he was visably pissed.....and with every good reason.

I cannot ever imagine doing something like that to my (now) husband when we were dating. It''s just plain disrespectul.....especially when you KNOW he has no job. He can''t do anything about it under present conditions (no job), and instead of understanding that, you rub his face in it. That''s not teasing....it''s making *your* point at *his* expense and being completely uncompassionate and insensitive to his feelings. It''s not enough that he has to feel bad about being unemployed.....let''s just add some MORE pressure on about not meeting *your* expectations either.

You actually *yelled* down the aisle about your poor naked finger? I cannot believe anyone could think that''s an appropriate way to tease.

If I were the guy in that situation, I''d seriously rethink whether or not that person was the person I''d want to marry at all. Marriage is about teamwork and partnership, not taking pot shots at each other.

Maybe I''m just reading this wrong....and if so, then my bad, but from what''s written, I think this was completely insensitive.

 

[fountainfairfax]

wow, aljdewey- dems fightin words....I took a little while between reading your post and responding so I could cool down...

yup, it was pretty insensitive of me..hence, my "Bad GF" reference and my guilt...

in part it stems from the frustration of him not working (there is an admited lack of effort on his part to get a job. We are dealing together with his dreams of being a writer and the reality that may never generate an income. I am the bread-winner right now and I am also paying for his school while he takes writing courses part-time) and the fact that he is a terrible tease, never mean, but this is a guy who when I mention something like "Valentines day is next week" he''ll shoot back "well, for you it isn''t" and when I told him I''m ready to get back on the weight-loss bandwagon sent me a picture from "celebrity fit club" with my face pasted over Daniel Baldwin''s (don''t ask, we''re just weird.) His usual response would be to reach for his zipper and say "I''ll give you something to put in your hand" (sorry to be crude) or to tell me the onion rings are the next aisle over..but because getting my stone set means a lot to me, it means a lot to him..for the first time since I''ve known him he didn''t have a snappy come-back. I think everyone has had a situation where they either read someone wrong or thought they were being funny and they heard the proverbial "crickets" aka dead silence. so I misjudged the moment & that''s my story.

I guess that I should also mention that not even a minute later he was telling me he''d trade his mother for cheese-filled pretzels (don''t ask.)

oh well, I''m taking my lumps here on PS, secure in the knowledge that he still loves me & that we do a very good job of taking care of each other.

I appreciate the feedback.

 

[Kaleigh]

This is a forum for those that want to post their stories and to get support from other LIW''s. Not a place where they should get blasted, that said I''ll shut up!!

 

[NoonersMom]

Wow FFF.....Some comments can never be taken back...some comments are never forgotten. Sometimes a little pause goes a long way.

Food for thought.

 

[aljdewey]

Nope -- not trying to fight at all......not with anyone. Not even trying to blast anyone.

Maybe it would help to realize that not everyone knows the backstory (i.e. well, it's not Valentine's day for you!) the way you do when you're writing it, so at times it may not be easy for the reader to put it into context. We can only respond to what's written.

Not trying to give you any lumps, either......if you'd posted only the anecdote about him pasting your head on the Celebrity Fit Club flyer and that was the only context, I'm sure I'd have found that equally insensitive.......him being insensitive to you.

Maybe I just don't get it, and if that's so, then I'll just apologize and take my lumps from all of you, too. I can understand the frustration of waiting for a proposal......and wanting to commiserate with others who are in the proverbial holding pattern, but I don't think that support means "well, I haven't gotten my proposal yet, so any behavior is fair game".....or at least it doesn't to me, Kaleigh. Support doesn't necessarily mean agreement with every way of handling it. I can support the notion of being frustrated at waiting for the proposal without agreeing with the way folks go about *handling* that frustration.

What Nooner's mom said is really on the money. Things that are said in the heat of temporary insanity of the waiting game can live on long afterward.....and they can hurt relationships.

 

[Kaleigh]

With all do respect, I never said anything about behavior etc.. I was just pointing out that this forum is one where LIW's get support and there are usually no harsh words. Look at what I said I meant well.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

His usual response would be to reach for his zipper and say ''I''ll give you something to put in your hand'' (sorry to be crude)

Sorry to say this, but it sounds like you two need to work a few things out before becoming engaged.

I don''t mean to be rude, but your post sort of describes lack of respect on both parts. . .

I hope all goes well.

 

[aljdewey]

If it''s harsh to say "wow, that was insensitive"......then guilty as charged. I''m sorry you feel it''s harsh to be honest.

"Get support" doesn''t mean blindly agree to me, and as I said, people can only reply to what''s written.

 

[Buena Girl]

I think fountainfairfax realizes it was insensitive, hence the title of the thread and saying she felt guilty in her first post. Sometimes it is hard to tell where the "line" is when you have sarcastic bantor with someone. Well, she found it and I''m sure she won''t cross that line again.

Whenever you mess up, don''t you want to go to some people who may understand and say, "Oh shoot, I messed up, here''s what happened..." Not necessarily to have someone agree or disagree, but just to vent a little about it. Sometimes if I feel bad about something, typing out my feelings helps a ton.

I think I had another point, but I can''t remember it right now. I''ve been sick and am a bit woozy from the dayquil right now

Hopefully my post makes sense

I think it''s time to go back to bed.

fff- I''m sorry to hear about your weekend. I''m sure you''d take that comment back if you could. Does your b/f ever say anything to you that you feel crosses the "line". Maybe you two should have a talk and let each other know how you seriously feel about certain things.

 

[fountainfairfax]

I know our senses of humor aren''t for everyone (we''re more South Park than Everyone Loves Raymond) but thank god we found each other!

Because we do share a lot with each other, I just filled him in on whats going on here on PS...he wants to know why I''m still thinking about that, why I would let it bother me enough to feel guilty & write about it, he knows it was meant to be silly and that he thinks I have a point...so now he''s going through the help-wanted ads while we watch tivo''d Simpsons...ah, sweet domesticity!

 

[websailor]

Fountainfairfax,

Wow! I too am somewhat stunned by this, though your later explanation puts it in perspective much better - the whole context did not come across in the first post.

Still, I find myself pretty much in agreement with Aljdewey....that's not often I can say that! And I think Alj was being her usual self and was stating things as she saw them, from what was posted. She was not trying to start any fight....

All that being said, I'm still vaguely disturbed about the way you treat each other, but I also recognize that we PSers might be seeing a different kind of relationship than we are used to.

Certainly your later posts seem to indicate that this whole situation didn't really damage your relationship (though I can't help adding that if you did this to me, you'd be heading towards the ex-GF status

).

Finally I'll throw my two cents in the pot - obviously this comes from my viewpoint, so take it for what it's worth in relation to your relationship.

First, there's part of me that says you both need to get away to a quiet peaceful place and have some deep discussions about your relationship, how much you love each other, and how there are some things (such as the grocery store comments) that you do really regret saying/doing. Essentially find a way to fall deeply in love again with each other, as in the initial courtship/honeymoon stage in a relationship.

Secondly, talk about the ring situation - I sense that is the cause of some of this friction (plus the job hunting). It sounds to me like you have the stone and the money to get it set now. I know BFs can be sensitive about the whole ring/proposal thing, but isn't it more important that you have each other?

When you do get married, all the money is essentially mingled anyway - it's all for the two of you as a team. I would hope that you could find a way to work together to satisfy your desire to have a ring on your finger and to have him feeling good about it...

Okay, I think I've exhausted my male capacity for relationship stuff for the night!!!!

 

[snow_happy]

Hi fff,

I think it''s hard for anyone else to comment correctly your relationship. It sounds like you are confident in the relationship and that''s what counts! I know there are some things that my FI and I fake fight about (like Mario Party...strange I know) and it makes people think we are really fighting but it''s all a joke. Anyways, what I''m trying to say is every relationship has it''s quirkyness that maybe other people don''t understand. I also joked once or twice about having a "finger that was lonely"

but my boyfriend knew I was just playing and proceeded to call me Gollum/Smeagol (from The Lord of the Rings). As long as you made it clear to your bf later that HE (not the ring) is important then I think it''s all good. He is probably really sensitive about the whole subject.

My BF is similar in that he doesn''t have a ton of money (we''re still in school) and I know that my joking made him feel bad because he truly wanted to propose earlier but had to save. I think your bf is in the same situation. I know you felt bad and LIWs say some crazy things sometimes right?

No worries as long as your bf understands and you don''t give him a super hard time in the future

 

[MelissaSue]

hahaha.. I must have said things to that effect a billion times.. They get so annoyed! haha..

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/11/2005 9

6:39 PM
Author: fountainfairfax
I know our senses of humor aren''t for everyone (we''re more South Park than Everyone Loves Raymond) but thank god we found each other!

Because we do share a lot with each other, I just filled him in on whats going on here on PS...he wants to know why I''m still thinking about that, why I would let it bother me enough to feel guilty & write about it, he knows it was meant to be silly and that he thinks I have a point...so now he''s going through the help-wanted ads while we watch tivo''d Simpsons...ah, sweet domesticity!

As long as it works for both of you, that''s really all that matters. Glad to hear that he''s way over it and that he took motivation from it.

 

[Fiancee to be]

I don''t think everyone should be jumping all over her. The comments made by both her and her boyfriend may not be acceptable in your relationship but each one is different. My girlfriend and I have a warped sense of humor as well, she will sometimes say "Can I have my ring now?" and I''ll respond with "Let me borrow a quarter and I''ll get you one out of that machine real quick." or something to that effect. She says things like that despite thinking that I won''t be ready for another 6 months, little does she know I''m proposing on Saturday, but thats a whole other story. It sounds like your guy eventually took your comment as you meant it, just a playful barb. But just realize that because you guys joke around a lot you need to be more careful on the sensitive subjects, and money/job status is usually a very sensitive subject for us guys.

-FTB

 

[NoonersMom]

FFF...just for clarification, I was not attacking or jumping all over you. I''ve had my moments and wish I hadn''t said certain things at times. I guess that was my point in my earlier post.....that it''s good to take a pause at times before stating something you might regret. Nothing more, nothing less. Glad to hear you have both moved forward.

 

[fountainfairfax]

Well folks, that was my first time starting a post that could be considered "controversal" and I do understand that had I given a little backstory about our senses of humor and things we jokingingly say to each other that some of the responses would have been very different. I guess I also need to state that my personality is to very rarely judge, I live by the whole idea that until you've walked in another person's shoes you have no clue where they've been...

I do appreciate all the feedback

 

[MissAva]

I think you are funny. BF and I say things and "fake argue"

and will even dive tackle and wrestle over board games....it sounds like ya''ll both just enjoy each others sense of humor

. And isnt that what really counts? Chances are none of the PSers are going to be living with you anytime soon.

*hug* I think it will be forgotten by him shortly if it hasnt been alreayd. I have siad the same thing to my BF and he points out that he has bought me other rings...or once I said it was cold and was offered gloves.

Every once in a while it annoys him and I will take it down a notch. But as long as he knows how much you love him that is what matters most. Dont feel too rotten....ps buy him the pretzels with a fake pawn note on where he can pick up his mother and how much it will cost him.

 

[ammayernyc]

It''s funny, in the first part of my relationship with my bf, he would joke about breaking up or something that I would think is really serious and offensive, and he would think is silly. I know now that I am much more confident in our relationship because when he says things like that, I know joke back. IE -- my cousin gave me two candle sticks. He said it was perfect b/c when we broke up we could each have one. I shot right back at him and said that no, when we break up I get them both b/c she''s my family. He got a good chuckle out of that one.

I think being silly is an extremely important part of every relationship (at least the ones I have). Sometimes it can go too far... but as long as you''re not trying to purposely hurt someone, I think you can chalk it up to a ''my bad...''

 

[sweetnghtmr]

My bf and I also share quit a few jokes aimed at each other. They never get nasty and are always lighthearted. I wouldn''t feel too bad about what you said, I''m sure all of us on here have tried to jokingly express something and it gets twisted, so it dosn''t end up sounding like a joke at all (ex. awarkard pause). As long as he understands now, it''s all good!!

 

[Strawdermangrl]

My FI and I were always sarcastic and silly with each other and we had fun with it. We are the type to play fight and trash talk over a video game. My honey is my best friend and we joke the same way I would with my other friends. I enjoy the childish aspect of our relationship but at the same time we know when to be serious and to care and love on one another. It is fun to be silly and I think every relationship has a certian degree of that but the true test *IMHO* is knowing when to be real with each other and knowing when it possibly has gone too far. In that regard I think that all of us know our relationships and our honey pies well enough to judge when we are crossing the line. In the same token, we all know what we are comfortable and happy with!! I am glad that you have found your honey and that you are happy in your relationship!

 

[katrina_33]

Yes, I think all of these comments from people who are aghast and disapproving about how the two of you generally talk to each other and joke around are way off base. Lots of couples choose to interact in this way because it suits their senses of humor. Don''t know, but maybe this is a generation gap issue in part? I''m willing to bet that those who were horrified by some of the comments you recounted are also not fans of the southpark movie, the jackass movie, and other extremely crude humor that myself and lots of others do find very funny, and do let carry over into their everyday lives sometimes...

Where you went wrong of course, and as you already know, is in making a joke about something that''s actually a sensitive subject for him. When he said that he''d trade his own mother for cheese filled pretzels, this very much reminds me of the way my boyfriend talks, which I happen to think is quite entertaining. The point is to be as ridiculous and obviously, intentionally inappropriate as possible. That''s why it''s funny, people! It''s obviously not true that he''d trade his own mother for cheese filled pretzels, so it''s fine in my book to make goofy jokes about it. On the other hand, it''s actually true that she wants an engagement ring and thinks her hand looks naked, and it is something he''s sensitive about, so it''s not funny to joke about it, which FFF clearly realized all on her own before she even posted!