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If you weren''t already living together?

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winternight

Brilliant_Rock
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Nov 12, 2006
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887
My fiance and I aren''t living together (well except on weekends when he doesn''t leave my place
). I was wondering how people coordinated that. He doesn''t want to move in together until we''re married. We may rent something for awhile because the real estate market in our area is dropping in price, so I was thinking maybe its best to have him move into a new place, big enough for both of us and then I''ll move in after the honeymoon? Is that going to be too stressful?
 

Maria D

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 24, 2003
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1,684
I think if it''s going to be stressful for a couple to move in together, it''s going to be stressful whether they do it before marrying or as newlyweds. FWIW, my husband and I didn''t find it too stressful when we moved in together for the first time after our honeymoon.
 

So_happy

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
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1,084
I think your plan is wonderful. That way, you get the place at a good price and you can start spending the weekends with HIM to sort of get some practice. My FI and I have lived together for 4 years now and I am so glad we did because that is one big thing we don''t have any mystery about. And living together this long has also shed light on how we spend our money and clean the house etc.......so alot of that has been worked out.

But back to you....I think if you''re guy is open to at least getting the house then start there. If he doesn''t feel he can budge on the living together before marriage thing then that''s ok........you two love each other and can take on any challenge together :)

Best of luck and congrats !!!!
 

firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
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2,216
We moved in several months after being engaged... I should say moving as it''s not finished yet. He moved into my house since it wasn''t practical to get a third place since we''re both homeowners. I put some effort into making things different but it probably would have been better if we could have moved into a third place. It really is kinda stressful for two established people to move in together. I can''t even imagine having to do it after the marriage.

We also spent lots of time together so I didn''t expect many of the changes or challenges that happened after we moved in together. We don''t behave in quite the same ways, although it''s generally a big improvement.


I don''t know about you, but I''m far more into decorating than he is. I really like the fact that I painted our new bedroom in colors we both picked. It made it ''ours''. A third place is a good idea, but if you''re going to do that you should move in more or less at the same time.
 

njc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 10, 2004
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1,997
I think getting a place that is "ours" is nice. It makes you work together to make it yours vs. you making room for him and vice versa. I had a friend move into her DH's townhouse which he owned and while they both tried to make it theirs, it wasnt until they bought a new townhouse that she really felt it was theirs.

I think one person can live in the apartment/house by themselves for a bit without trouble if they both shopped for it and helped decorate. This is what DH and I did. He moved down to DC first, but we went apartment hunting together and then decorated together. I moved in 6 mos later... never felt like it was "his place" because we had done everything together.

And i have no advice about when to move... we lived together a few months prior to engagement. I would say it would be nice to move most of your things (like everything but what you couldnt live without) over to where ever you were both going to be living, but not fully move in until after the honeymoon. I would never want to come home if I had a full blown move to look forward to!
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
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1,899
I agree about getting a new place and decorating it together, even if you won''t technically live together till after the wedding. That way, you could slowly move your nonessential stuff in and not have as much to do once the wedding rolls around. DH and I also moved in to a new place together, and truly feel that it is OURS, as we decorated it together as well. I would personally suggest moving in BEFORE the wedding, as we found it less stressful (our circumstances were frustrating though, because of his job) but since it seems that the two of you would rather wait, then I think getting a new place and fixing it up the way the both of you want it is a great idea!

*M*
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
Messages
7,074
We''re moving in together next July, one year after the engagement and one year before the wedding. We''ll rent an apartment as we''re saving up for a house still and I''m renting a student''s room right now.

If we were getting married next summer (I wish!!!), we''d have moved in together after the wedding. We spend almost every weekend together, spend our Christmas holidays together and lived together for one month last summer, so we''ve had a little practice.
 

RoseAngel04

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 8, 2006
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865
We won't live together until we are married. FI has a place now but we need something bigger so either around Feb or Aug 07 (when we get married) he will upgrade to what will be "our home" after we say I do.
Can't wait!
 

Kit

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 7, 2005
Messages
501
The Stress from moving in together arises when expectations and needs are not dovetailing. If you two dialog seriously (maybe you already have!) about how exactly you are going to run your household, it will help a lot. Who is going to take out the trash? How often? Whose job is it to cook dinner? Who will clean up the kitchen afterwards? How will you split the bills? Who will pay them? I could go on...someone else earlier mentioned housecleaning and money, and if you can really tie down these two areas I think you''ll avoid much of the stress. Then you can move in whenever you want! The other parts of living together are great, managing the stress is the trick.
 

JCJD

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 8, 2004
Messages
1,977
About a month before the wedding I moved from my apartment into "our" apartment and he gradually moved his stuff so he was actually living there after the honeymoon, so we were starting fresh in "our place" too. Moving to a new place is no more stressful than anything else going on during the last few weeks pre-wedding, and it also has a great "it''s really happening" excitement factor. Plus, making it "our" space was a stress-reliever for me! Only taking up half the closet space because *his* clothes had to fit in there soon! Reserving space on the wall for one of *his* cool framed posters! In short, we did it, and it wasn''t stressful.

I know that some couples have a tough transition to living together, but it has been so easy for us. We did date for over 8 years by the time we got married and knew each other''s habits really well, but we also waited for our wedding night, so it''s not like we had nothing else to transition into at the same time as living together. The key is you have to be clear about your expectations and be readily open to the possibility that the way you have always done something isn''t the only way, or only good way, to do it!
 

flopkins

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2004
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2,025
DH moved into my place. it wasn''t/isn''t the ideal situation, ideally I would get a ''new'' place to rent/buy together, so it feels like a clean slate. it took me a good while to get used to sharing ''my'' space w/DH. but it wasn''t bad, bc we did reorganize a lot of our stuff and that made the transition feel more like ''ours''.

I know a lot of couples who bought/rented a place beforehand and one of them moved in first, then the other after the wedding.
 

basil

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2006
Messages
1,526
This is an interesting thread. My fiance and I live in different cities, but we''ve arranged to spend a few one-month blocks together. Obviously, we live in each other''s places when we do that. I lived in his (studio) apartment for the month of September. He''s really not big into "stuff". His furniture consists of: a twin mattress, a leather swivel desk chair, a folding chair to be used as a footrest, a wobbly hand-me-down computer tables, and a papazon chair that I gave him as a hand-me-down. His decorations are a bunch of his artwork on the walls, and a bunch of Superman posters. I didn''t really have any problems adjusting, but it didn''t ever feel like it was my place or my space. And I think it would have been different if it hadn''t been sort of a finite time.

In December, my fiance is moving here for the month. I own a condo, and I''m a little bit more furnished and have more "stuff" than he does. When we get married, we will be living here. When he was here a few weeks ago, we bought curtains for the bedroom, but it still felt like I was buying curtains rather than we were buying curtains. This month we''re going to purchase a dining room table as our first cooperative furniture-buying project. I''m hoping that this and other things (like hanging a Superman poster on our living room wall) will make it feel more like "home" for him, and less like my place. But I worry that even when we do get married and he moves here permanently, it''s still going to feel foreign to him, just because there is such an imbalance of material possessions (i.e. he''ll probably trash most of his things, and we''ll probably keep most of mine).
 

winternight

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
887
Thanks for the advice! I think we''re going to get a new place and have me move in first (I have more stuff) and him after the wedding. We''re also getting a 2 bedroom, 2 bath so that should help out things, honestly I don''t think he would fit in my apartment and I need my own space to be, um, a little messy in LOL.
 
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