If you have intrusive In-laws, do you...

[zhuzhu]

...wait until they say/do intrusive things to say something, or do you try to stay a safe distance away at all times?

 

[elrohwen]

My MIL is overall very very good, but occasionally (mostly with conversations involving us having kids) she gets a bit intrusive. I don''t say anything about it and just let it go, but make a mental note to steer away from those types of conversations in the future. I guess I''m more of an avoider, especially if it involves any members of DH''s family - saying something about it would hurt some feelings.

It would be tough to do this with an always intrusive MIL, but I think I''d still try to ignore and avoid for the most part.

 

[meresal]

I try to fly low...

I also avoid being alone with her... being alone with her leads to "sharing" and she gets me into conversations that I don''t really want to have. I told DH last week, I have never been the girl that was BFF''s with my boyfriend''s mothers. I like having that distance, and it makes break-ups easier. I am trying to find a happy medium now that she in a in-law, and she is technically MY new family... so I need to open up more.

 

[JSM]

I have an intrusive SIL - but since she moved a few thousand miles away, life is much calmer, and I am no longer "out competing" her for DH''s attention.

I tried both methods. If I avoided situations, I''d be in trouble because I was standoff-ish. If I confronted, it resulted in stomping and slammed doors (she''s older than me, btw). She''s a nice girl, but we aren''t BFFs by any stretch of the imagination.

Basically, I never figured it out, and was saved only by distance. I hope that things work out for you.

 

[NYCsparkle]

thank goodness i have great in-laws, but dh and i have an agreement....he will deal with his parents and i''ll deal with mine when it comes to discussing anything that may cause trouble on the other side..lol...we have agreed to stand united on this and it works wonders

 

[Lilac]

I try and stay a safe distance away at all times. My MIL is extremely intrusive and while I used to try and be the "friendly, sharing, caring" daughter in law, I learned my lesson that she can''t respect any boundaries. Now I''m friendly when I see her, but I certainly don''t seek her out to share anything unless it''s absolutely necessary.

 

[zhuzhu]

I think what makes it difficult for me is that while DH is not particularly close to his parents, he will answer their questions like a good son.

Whereas I am very private and do not wish my in-laws to know anything more about me and my family than I am willing to share. The reason I want to keep my privacy is because they are so gossipy and always ask personal questions like "how much did your parents contribute to XXX financially".

Besides being noisy all around, MIL and FIL now invite themselves to come visit "us" in CA when they never once visited DH in 12 years while he lived in a smaller east coast city.

When they successfully invited themselves here, they question every single thing in our house like "why do you have to drink a can soda using a glass (huh? because I like it???)", "why do you let your cats scratch the screen door", "why does Zhu need her own office, can''t she share it with her husband so that room can be used as guest room {duh!)".....etc.

I have managed to have my husband promise not to share my information on my behalf (yes MIL always call him to ask what Zhuzhu is up to and why she is doing this and that).

I think I need to find a way to hide from her radar more as whenever DH said "my mom called", I get this knot in my guts all over....

 

[Shoopy]

I''m learning how to deal with MIL although I still have a long way to go.

There are two issues with MIL:

1. She doesn''t have a filter. If she thinks something, she says it. Doesn''t matter who is around, how many people she offends, it just comes out. So I''m learning to passive agressively tell her that what she just said was mean. The part where I say I still have a long way to go is figuring out how to remove the passive agressiveness.

An example: She said to me once when I mentioned taking DD to visit my mom that she knows she will always be DD''s favorite grandmother because she sees her every day. I told her "J, please don''t say things like that. I don''t get to see my mom every day and comments like that really hurt my feelings"

2. She is incapable of listening. She''ll be in the middle of a discussion with you and as soon as you are getting ready to say your point, she switches the subject. But she doesn''t do it in a dismissive way or in a "your opinion doesn''t matter way." She just does not focus.

An example: We''ve been arguing over when to give DD solids and what kind of solids to give. She tells me that when her kids were young, by DD''s age they were eating table food and she thinks I should start giving her all kinds of food. I said "yes, she should be eating more food but because we don''t know what she''s allergic to we have to make sure she gets one new food at a time" To which she responded "did you see my new kitchen chefs? I got it at a garage sale last week"

I''m still working on the listening part

 

[trillionaire]

MY parents are the nosy ones!

FI's parents are really wonderful and respectful. I used to avoid issues with my parents (easier), but now I am putting my foot down more. (example: how to run our household, kids, religion, wedding, etc) It feels good, and I think it will help us both have a better relationship in the long run. We are a very 'sharing' family, so it's easy for oversharing to happen and for people to be inclined to get overinvolved.

 

[LabRatPhD]

My FMIL is incredibly intrusive, especially about finances. FI and I try to stay a safe distance when we are in conversation but she ends up becoming upset and acts like we are hiding things from her. It has gotten so bad that I actually avoid visiting the IL''s with FI because I am worried I will say something that will upset everyone.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I would do option C and that is set boundaries via discussion all the time and when an issue comes up I have an example to point out AND a previously discussion to relate it to. The option of staying away from them is really what you do if they are disrespectful even when they know. Communication is the first defense.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 2/23/2010 8:55:31 PM
Author: Cehrabehra
I would do option C and that is set boundaries via discussion all the time and when an issue comes up I have an example to point out AND a previously discussion to relate it to. The option of staying away from them is really what you do if they are disrespectful even when they know. Communication is the first defense.

I agree with you.

In my case though, MIL has been a school teacher for over 20 years and she only knows how to talk "down" when she "communicates". This makes "adult to adult" communication with her very painful....

How do you ask her "please do not talk to me like I am your student"?

 

[AprilBaby]

As a brand new MIL all I can say is remember these things for yourself when you get to be a MIL. It doesn''t come with a handbook. Its not easy being me either. (and trust me, I can relate to you too, i have a MIL)

 

[purselover]

Like you I''m more private while DH and his family are sharers. DH has gotten pretty good about not sharing too much about topics that make me uncomfortable such as finances because he realizes it''s more important to make me comfortable and happy than satisfy his parent''s nosiness. When DH''s mom crosses any boundries and pries too much I call her out on it and it''s working slowly but surely. She can never correct her behavior if she doesn''t realize it upsets me. I recommend nicely but firmly making it known when they''re crossing boundries. You can''t avoid them forever as much as you may like too

 

[purselover]

Date: 2/23/2010 8:58:27 PM
Author: zhuzhu

Date: 2/23/2010 8:55:31 PM
Author: Cehrabehra
I would do option C and that is set boundaries via discussion all the time and when an issue comes up I have an example to point out AND a previously discussion to relate it to. The option of staying away from them is really what you do if they are disrespectful even when they know. Communication is the first defense.

I agree with you.

In my case though, MIL has been a school teacher for over 20 years and she only knows how to talk ''down'' when she ''communicates''. This makes ''adult to adult'' communication with her very painful....

How do you ask her ''please do not talk to me like I am your student''?

I''m blunt so I would say it just like that!

 

[jewelz617]

I understand that there are too many differences between my MIL and I and that's fine.

She thinks that my parents spoil me because they encouraged me to stay home with my daughter instead of going back to work. When my father bought me a car as a birthday surprise and when my mother said she agreed that a baby on a heart monitor should not be in daycare, she had major issues with that. She's snooped through my things before, thrown things away that I did not give her permission to while we were waiting for our house to be ready. She nags us about money. The list is endless.

I keep a major distance (halfway across the country to be exact) and try not to talk to her much. She's a very nice person, but we will never see eye to eye. We have totally different priorities and I don't want my daughter growing up how much husband did.

 

[movie zombie]

this is not the first of many threads you have started regarding this problem. i would suggest counseling for yourself w/o your husband and then also with him. why? because this is an ongoing problem and it really does bother you [believe me when i say it would bother me greatly!]. one goal i think of counseling would not to get you to be ok with their behaviors but to learn and practice techniques to deflect them and to help you be more assertive. perhaps a class in assertivness? additionally, counseling with your husband might reinforce how much of a problem his family is for you, set ground rules, and hopefully encourage him to also be more assertive with them. eventually, your resentment of them could flow over to him for not handling this better. perhaps counseling will help to understand that there is a lot at stake here.

this problem isn''t going away. its going to bother you even more. i wish you luck with this. these people would have already brought out the worst in me and they''d have plenty to talk about as i''d have told them it was none of their "f..." business, not to come unless invited, etc. yes, they have a right to a relationship with their son but he may need to do that on his own w/o you.

again, good luck.

mz