If my girlfriend''s father is no longer living, is ok to ask her mom?

[azbuyer]

anyone have any thoughts? we live together so I am not expecting a NO in any event but I always thought its appropriate to ask someone. Since her dad is passed away, can I ask her mom? Her mom may be more apt to spill the beans as well.

would appreciate your thoughts please

 

[jcarlylew]

yes, yes, yes! IMO her mother would appreciate the gesture! Also, in regards to your other question (about over the phone), if you are chomping at the bit to ask your gf to marry you, go ahead and call her mother. I understand that you wanted to do it in person, but sometimes that is not available. Maybe you can set up a video confrence, or send her a video ecard asking as well? that way she will still have a keepsake of you asking

 

[azbuyer]

Date: 7/2/2008 1:19:53 PM
Author: jcarlylew
yes, yes, yes! IMO her mother would appreciate the gesture! Also, in regards to your other question (about over the phone), if you are chomping at the bit to ask your gf to marry you, go ahead and call her mother. I understand that you wanted to do it in person, but sometimes that is not available. Maybe you can set up a video confrence, or send her a video ecard asking as well? that way she will still have a keepsake of you asking

cool...thanks. i appreciate the advice. her mom and I do get along fairly well and I just didnt know if it was customary to only ask the mom but in my case i dont have a choice. and thanks for answering the other question. I just dont think i can wait until I see her mom in person again.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 7/2/2008 12:09:26 PM
Author:azbuyer
anyone have any thoughts? we live together so I am not expecting a NO in any event but I always thought its appropriate to ask someone. Since her dad is passed away, can I ask her mom? Her mom may be more apt to spill the beans as well.

would appreciate your thoughts please

My father passed away 13 years ago. He never met my father.

My mom wants him to ask. I want him to ask my mom. That’s a no-brainer.

But from someone in this position, I think that it is a huge gesture of love and respect to ask her mother. It shows that you still have respect for the traditional values even though its not a traditional home.

And hey…it can’t hurt. We also live together and my mom doesn’t get involved in our relationship so it won’t be a no…just a ton of kudos points.

 

[miraclesrule]

As a single MOB who wasn't ask, let me tell you ... YES!

It is a very thoughtful gesture and likely to earn brownie points that you wouldn't have otherwise received. I'm not angry or bitter than he didn't ask for my blessing, but was disappointed a bit that he lacked that foresight...or the ability to catch the chance when he mentioned he was planning to propose on their vacation, and I said "Oh, yippee, you're asking me" :::::fly over head::::: And he said "No, I was just telling you" D'oH.

Honor her mother please....

 

[neatfreak]

Personally I don't think anyone who is of the age and maturity to get married should need to ask the parent'(s) permission for anything. BUT I think it would be very sweet of you to include mom instead and certainly appropriate to get her blessing

 

[miraclesrule]

Date: 7/5/2008 4:18:59 PM
Author: neatfreak
Personally I don''t think anyone who is of the age and maturity to get married should need to ask the parent''(s) permission for anything. BUT I think it would be very sweet of you to include mom instead and certainly appropriate to get her blessing

I think everyone agrees with you neatfreak, woman are not considered chattel in this day and age.

Therefore, IMO, nobody should ever expect or request "permission". Yet, to inform the parent/s and ask for their blessing is a sign of maturity and respect. And what parent wants to know that their child is going to marry someone who has so little regard for them that they would intentionally make it a point not to engage in that small gesture?

In my case, I didn''t think the failure of my daughter''s FI to do so was intentional. If I had thought that, I would be disappointed in his strength of character, or lack thereof. Especially with the type of relationship me and my daughter enjoy.

No couple is an island. They are part of a family/community. As Marianne Williamson once wrote "If a man ever said to me, it''s you and me against the word...I would jump ship"

Unless one''s parents are crazy, psychotic, killers, or in jail, I don''t see any reason not to partake in something that requires so little effort, but has such a huge impact. Risk to Reward ratio...a no brainer to me.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think it would be nice if you did, would probably mean a lot to her Mom.

 

[diamondfan]

I think it would be nice to talk to her mom, but if you are concerned about her discretion, is there anything you can do to make sure she does not say anything prior to the proposal? That might concern me a tad.

 

[LaraOnline]

It's great to ask Mum...let's face it, apart from birthing your love, she's probably done most of the hands-on work of looking after your girl (when she was a child) as well. Dad just paid for it! LOL

I would be absolutely delighted if my prospective s-i-l asked/warned me first, and it would carry a lot of weight into the future, as well.

It tells a mum that a) the bootcamp effort for 20-odd years was actually appreciated by someone and b) this guy actually recognises that raising kids is hard work, and that family is important. In short, a genuine partner to her baby.

She'll love you for it!!!

ETA: If you're worried she'll blab, why not arrange things so she doesn't have time to blab... just before whisking your girl away to a secret location. (for example...)

 

[miraclesrule]

Date: 7/5/2008 10:45:39 PM
Author: LaraOnline
It''s great to ask Mum...let''s face it, apart from birthing your love, she''s probably done most of the hands-on work of looking after your girl (when she was a child) as well. Dad just paid for it! LOL

I would be absolutely delighted if my prospective s-i-l asked/warned me first, and it would carry a lot of weight into the future, as well.

It tells a mum that a) the bootcamp effort for 20-odd years was actually appreciated by someone and b) this guy actually recognises that raising kids is hard work, and that family is important. In short, a genuine partner to her baby.

She''ll love you for it!!!

ETA: If you''re worried she''ll blab, why not arrange things so she doesn''t have time to blab... just before whisking your girl away to a secret location. (for example...)

Well said!!

The "warned" part had me chuckling.

 

[cbs102]

I am recently engaged (two weeks). My father is not in the picture and my mother raised me. Actually, i send her fathers day cards and take her out for a steak dinner every fathers day. My then boyfriend asked her for my hand in marriage and THAT is the part that she talks about!!! she was so impressed and greatful to be part of all of this. you should definately ask her.... it is a sweet kind gesture to the woman who raised her!

 

[reader]

Depends on the relationship of mother and daughter. My mother is wretched. I am so glad my husband didn''t say a word to her.

 

[supergirl10]

Assuming that they have a good relationship. I think that is lovely and very thoughtful of you to include her.

SO and i are just about to get engaged and he has asked my father & mother and had planned to for some time,even though he was incredibly nervous about it. He knows how important my parents are to me and we have a very close relationship. Instead of just asking my father he wanted to include them both as we have lived together for 2 years and he just wanted to ask for their opinion and get their blessing as asking "for my hand" seems a little silly and old fashioned.

My lil sister got engaged a month ago to her bf of 6 mths. He did not even consult my parent and my father is quite upset about it. Especially since my SO asked my father & mother permission just days before and it makes lil sis fiancé look arrogant in my fathers eyes, especially since she is only 19 and his baby girl.

I am just using this story to illustrate that i think it is important to include parent/s in the process. All the best for your proposal!!!

 

[azbuyer]

Thanks to all for the posts. I will definitely be including her mom in the process but as Lara suggested, I will most likely do it close to when I plan on proposing (on our anniversary of the day we met). This way there wont be much time for any accidental blabs

I''m a bit nervous/excited and just finalizing the ring decision, which will hopefully be done this week.

Thanks again!

 

[emeraldlover1]

Seriously, you and your girlfriend should meet up with myself and FF cause we have soooooooooo much in common. We all live in NYC so its feasible. I thought I said pretty much everything in the other thread so I hope that you are happy with the diamond you choose. I''m sure she''ll be excited and thrilled with any of the options you had listed. BTW...did you get to Marks office to look at the stones in person??

On to your inital question. My FF asked for my mom''s blessing over the 4th of July weekend. He wasn''t asking for permission as my FF and I live together as well but more wanted her to know what his plans were. It really made her day and she felt so special. I think thats a great idea.

 

[lindmgrav]

Yes. You should definitely ask her mom. I''m sure it would be an honor to her, and I''m sure her father (although no longer with us) is sure to be pleased as well.

 

[azbuyer]

OK - so my trip plans are set. I plan on doing this up at Martha''s Vineyard. Booked a very romantic B&B near a beach. Not sure exactly what my plan is but either a sunset boat cruise (private) or romantic dinner followed by a walk on the beach. Just want to be sure the weather cooperates.

I will probably be asking her mom a few days before we leave. I dont think she will think its just a courtesy since I''m asking so soon to when I want to propose but I dont want to leave too long of a time in between so there is any chance the beans could be spilled.

Almost done with my ring - have a few stones narrowed down and just need to pick one.

Nervously excited here in ny!

 

[jcarlylew]

Good luck! and do post pictures when you can!

 

[jewelerman]

I had a close friend who was marrying a woman who lost her father and also had two little girls.When he asked the mother and when she gave her approval and appreciation for asking... he presented her with an early 20th century pin in the shape of her favorite flowers,which she wore to the wedding.When the couple had to tell the girls about the engagement, they showed the girls her 1-1/2 ct ruby engagement ring and then presented them with mini replicas of their mothers ring to wear through the engagement period...I had a great time helping find the pin and design the girls rings and find the ruby...and watch this new family grow closer.