Icky feelings surrounding the wedding?

[jjc]

Hello, it''s my first post as a BIW! I just got engaged on Tuesday to my best friend, and I''ve just run into some emotions that I wasn''t really expecting to be so strong, and was hoping for some insight. Obviously this has nothing to do with my guy and marrying him - that part I''m ecstatic and over the moon about. Without getting too much into specifics, did/does anyone have anxiety surrounding any external factors about the wedding? For me, it''s pretty much any occasion that''s supposed to be based on family/loving family that ends up dredging up looooots of bad memories and full on panic. Although I have almost all the big stuff of the wedding planned, it was a planned dress shopping outing that kicked in all these icky feelings for me, and I''m fairly certain that there will be many more, and perhaps even stronger, triggers all the way through the very end of the wedding itself. Do the icky feelings subside as the excitement to be married and begin your new life take over as you get closer to the day? Do you just get more used to dealing with it? That''s what I''m hoping, I can already kind of feel that happening, as my negative feelings are still outweighed by my happiness with my honey. But I just like to be prepared

I know PS is filled with such compassionate and insightful women, and I thought it might be nice to share and support each other.

 

[saster]

Hi jjc!

Congrats on your engagement!

From you post, I don''t know the specifics and history adding to the feelings, but I can tell you you''re not alone with the anxiety!

I''ll go into some specifics - I have what one could call a "high-strung" family, and any occasion that takes planning, thought and has expectations surrounding it completely stresses me out because I never know how it will pan out - it could be fine, or everything could fall apart in minutes. We all love each other very much, but my brother has some anger issues that put everyone on edge, and if he''s being irrational, it tends to affect everyone around him. For example, Christmas can go from 0 to 10 on the crazy scale in 60 seconds or less!

The other thing that I am almost loosing sleep over is the fact my fiance''s parents are divorced and will be seeing each other for the first time in 14 YEARS at the wedding. So. Ya. We are alll curious to see how that pans out. We are hoping that they can both realize that it''s not the time to cause a scene, but last time they saw each other at my fiance''s graduation that is exactly what happened.

For me, it is mostly family/people related things. If it rains, it rains, if the flowers are a different shade of peach, that''s fine - I would just love it if everyone would get along for the weekend!

My wedding isn''t until August, so I haven''t had any anxiety dissipation, yet, but hopefully as I get more into the details of planning, my unbelievable happiness and excitement will make those feelings disappear. I keep trying to tell myself that I can''t control everyone''s behavior by worrying about it, but that''s easier said than done! All I can do is hope for the best!

Good luck to you, and I hope that nothing gets in the way of your happiness as you go through planning! The dress shopping is the fun part, I''m sure when you see yourself in a gorgeous gown, nothing but your fiance and your lives together will be in your mind.

 

[laughwithme]

I think there will always be a handful of things regarding wedding planning that make your stomach sink for a second - but they pass as quickly as they come on. For example, every time I think about the fact that my dress has little wrinkles in the bodice, my stomach sinks a second - then I realize that no one will notice them but me, and I move past it. Every time I think about my grandad being too old to fly to my wedding, my stomach sinks a little bit - but you come to terms with things like that. When I think about one of my bridesmaids that I barely talk to anymore - my stomach sinks a little bit, but the bright side is that I have 4 awesome bridesmaids I talk to almost every day.

I am not sure what you mean by "bad memories" and "full on panic" but that definitely sounds kinda serious. If your family has had terrible experience with weddings in the past, would you ever consider eloping? Or finding a way to avoid those situations? As an example, maybe your family experienced a hurricane during a destination wedding...so you would want to be sure to not hit up the islands during Fall! Know what I mean?

I think brides tend to get MORE stressed as the wedding gets closer, so I would be concerned about really targeting the root of my issues, if I were at your point. When first engaged, everything seems so far off - a year feels like forever. Then you hit 9 months and its like oh gosh, time is flying. Then you hit 6 months and you''re like omg omg omg I have to work on my checklist! So if anything, the stress will build, but so does the bliss. I would really try to sort out the underlying issues behind your anxiety, and then try not to worry much about the superficial stress that every wedding causes.

Hope this helps - your post was a bit vague but hopefully this is somewhat helpful!!!

 

[missrachelk]

I highly recommend getting the book "Emotionally Engaged" by Allison Moir-Smith and using it to explore all of your feelings during your engagement. If you feel anxiety or panic (like I did!) do not hesitate to seek out a counselor or therapist to talk to. Talking to someone objective makes a huge difference! I had never felt true anxiety before I was engaged and I did have a few small panic attacks and reading that book and talking to my therapist made things so much easier for me.

Good Luck and remember that it is totally natural to have a whole range of emotions surrounding your upocoming marriage, some of which are not all puppies and rainbows!

 

[mayachel]

I second "Emotionally Engaged!" She talks all about that "whaddaya mean I''m not going to be 100% happy and joy the entire time I''m engaged?" I''ve already read it, but am deciding if it should be one of the books I take on vacation with me, since we''ll be doing some wedding planning over the next two weeks.

 

[purselover]

Hi JJC, I wish I had some great advice to tell you regarding these feelings but instead I just want to tell you you''re not alone! I''ve had a really hard time getting through the engagement FI''s family is very demanding and unfortunately they''ve caused me a lot of anxiety. We''re now 5 days out and I feel like things have just gotten worse the closer we are rather than better like I assumed. All I can say looking back is that I wish we better avoided anyone causing problems and I wish I saw someone (like a professional) to discuss these feelings. I really hope your engagement is anxiety free and nothing but wonderful, that''s what everyone deserves!

 

[AmberGretchen]

1. Yes, the anxiety is totally normal, but it will likely NOT get better as you get closer to the day. Odds are good that the happiness will outweigh it, BUT

2. I think its a really good idea to talk to someone (i.e. a professional) about what you are feeling, and put some serious thought into what you and your honey really want out of the day. I''m also in the psycho family members camp, and I can tell you it isn''t worth it to let them ruin (or try to ruin) your day.

 

[jjc]

Hi ladies, and thank you so much for your replies. I guess I should have provided a little more explanation, all my anxiety stems solely from a sociopathic and narcissistic father who loves to say hateful things when he isn''t the center of attention or feels that he is being outshined in any way. The stuff he''s said to me the whole time I was growing up is seriously stuff most wouldn''t say to their very worst enemies. He gets a particular kick out of public degradation, and I''m really worried that he''ll get psycho not only about the day being about me and FI, but also if other family members (especially my mom''s siblings or on FI''s side) are getting a better reception because they''re just warmer and not cuckoo. I''m thinking of asking a few strategically chosen people to ''run interference'' for me, if you will (without it being too obvious, of course, don''t want to wake the beast), so hopefully that''ll help some.

saster - Thank you so much! It really is such an amazing, exciting time. Ah, families - don''t ya just love them? But I saw your dress thread - that dress is so gorgeous I think just a downward glance at it will give you at least a moment''s respite should anyone start acting up. Hopefully nobody does though!!

laughwithme - The only good thing about all of this is that I will most likely not worry about the stuff most brides stress out about, as I''ll be trying not to vomit at the thought of having to walk down the aisle with my dad!

missrachelk - I will definitely check out the book, thank you so much! It feels so nice to know that I''m not the only one - I finally did go dress shopping yesterday with a friend and we were so worried that I was going to have a Carrie Bradshaw ''just rip it off!!!!''/allergic reaction to the wedding type moment. I tried on six so *phew* I got through it

mayachel - Good luck with the wedding planning! Minus the psycho dad, I''ve found it to be great fun

purselover - Wow, 5 days!!!!!! You must be so excited, congratulations!! I''m sorry your FI''s family put a damper on your engagement, but in 5 days you''ll be married to your sweetheart!!

AmberGretchen - Thanks for your post, yah that''s exactly what I figured. My FI and I definitely know exactly what we want out of our day, and I will try my darndest to stick to that and only that. Ugh - psycho families. I''m sorry you have to deal with that too

 

[AmberGretchen]

Yeah, for some of us, psycho families are just part of the deal. I really can''t give any better advice though than to try to put as much emotional distance between yourself, and what you and FI want, and the psycho family members, because weddings really bring out the crazy in a lot of people.

I think with some time and thought and counseling though, there''s no reason you can''t move past these feelings and have an amazing wedding day and a wonderful marriage