Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

I want to ask my man to marry me ... do i but him a ring ?

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

murrayk

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 12, 2003
Messages
3
i have been with my BF for a wonderful 6mths. I want to ask him to marry me. We have already discussed moving in with each other. We have already discussed marriage.. hje says he wants to. I want to ask him to marry me ...would like your help, Have and suggestions?
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
Move in first and see if you are sick of each other in a year. If not, then get married.


In all seriousness, IMO 6 months is too soon to propose and/or know if that person is right for you. Do you know enough about them to make that decision? Move in together, sure...but don't rush into marriage. The divorce rate nowadays is very scary!! You don't want to be married in a year and divorced in another. Nothing is foolproof or guaranteed, but best to make an educated decision.
 

Aprile

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 4, 2003
Messages
63
Once again I agree w/Mara. Back in our grandparents days it was common to marry after a bried courtship but in our world there are so many variables & pressures that they didn't have to face. Divorce can be hard both emotionally & financially....give it some more time. Believe me, if it's meant to be you'll know it!

Good luck!

aprile
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
Boy Aprile I really like you
Ha Ha great minds...
 

SkyMonkey

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 6, 2003
Messages
37
Hi murrayk,

I don't want to put a damper on things but another thing you might want to consider is whether *he* would want to propose to *you*. I think a lot of guys actually enjoy the idea of and build-up to proposing to the woman of their dreams (and, hey, let's face it, after that you gals pretty much take over the show...)


SkyMonkey
 

Lanee

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 29, 2003
Messages
534
I think this is the first time I'm not 100% behind Mara. Now I don't disagree but I have mixed emotions.

I adore my boyfriend and expressed to me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me so I agreed to live with him (buy a house-actually) with the stipulation that we have intended nuptials. I think not living together before marriage, waiting until engagement or living together with an understanding of a future engagement is the only way to go here because that misunderstanding in itself can doom you. BF and I had an uncomfortable three days (excrutiating, they were) because of this. Thank goodness he came to his senses.

So, if you decide to live with each other, make sure that when it all goes well (good idea to set up a time frame) and you want to move onto the next step that you both have agreed. I encourage you to sort out all of those details now because the presumption is that you're not going to be sick of each other in a year. And then what? You want a ring and he's thinks things are fine the way they are. It seems minor at this stage but when you're going through it, it could be a real heartbreaker. Here is the man you are without a doubt going to spend the rest of your life with and he agrees but doesn't want to mess with a good thing.

I guess I should have asked if you guys have talked about wanting children. Have you? Though that can change. My sister wanted children and now just wants more time with her husband so has put off having children for another year (we'll see what happens next year) and my BF and I didn't want any and now definitely want at least one.

Also, I know a girl whose relationship ended that way. She was ready to get engaged after a couple of years living together and he wanted things to stay the same.

I have one other comment, marriage is a real motivator for working things out. Sometimes stupid little things turn into big things that can end a relationship but, being married makes things different. I know from experience. Unfortunately things were way beyond repair.

I have written and rewriten this reply for at least an hour.
 

Lanee

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 29, 2003
Messages
534
By the way, did you post this same scenario on this forum before, I feel like I replied before that if you guys have talked about marriage, you proposing might steal his thunder. Was that you?
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
Lanee--I actually agree. I did the whole live-in thing for 3 years with an ex and the nebulousity (ooh is that a word?) of it all doomed our relationship, plus after 3 years I was really sick of him!
So this time around, after 2.5 years of being with pre-FI, we were kind of kicking around the idea of the living together, but he had done the same thing I had with an ex, so we were both a little skittish. In the end, we determined that we wanted to move in together before an official proposal to be sure that we could actually hack the living together situation, us both being very independent and having been on our own for mannnny years. However, at this point we had determined we DID want to get married and spend our lives together. (That took some doing btw...my little wanna-be bachelor was a tough nut to crack!!) We moved in together last November and we bought the stone in November too. It's now April, we did the proposal in end of Jan, and we went through a few living-together pains but all-in-all we love it! A good sign!

I think creating the strong bond together before a living situation partly helped as well..and we were both determined to not let ourselves 'over-do' the togetherness thing after the move-in.

So while I would highly suggest living together before marriage, to be sure you can even stand each other and habits...you should set a timeline. Don't do the nebulous...yeah lets move in and 'see'. Which BTW is what FI wanted to do originally, but I held out. For the original poster, 6 months in my mind is too soon to propose, but live together for another 6-9 and if things still seem on track..maybe it could be time.
 

needaring

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2003
Messages
41
Hey guys,

I came to this discussion a little late.

Just wondering. I am planning on propsoing in a month or so. My GF and I are still young (23) and jsut finishing school. Our thinking is to get engaged and live together for a few years. Is this pretty common?

Just curious.

Thanks!
 

aljdewey

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 25, 2002
Messages
9,144
I'm into this thread late also, but I agree wholeheartedly with the live-together-first thing.

My personal experience: s/o and I were both serious about our feelings for each other, discussed moving in together. Both of us felt it was pretty important to make sure we could be happy living under the same roof together, especially having been single for so many years. However, it was expressly clarified that we both viewed this as the precursor to marriage and that we both expected marriage to be the outcome.

We also agreed up front that neither of us would issue ultimatums, and it was clearly discussed that we would not be still living together 4-5 years down the line in a mode of "it's not broken, why fix it."

It's been six months now since we moved in, and I really feel it was the best move for us. It has taught us much more about one another, and we are more sure than ever that we want to marry.

Good luck!
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
Hey NAR...I think it is a good idea to get engaged and live together for a year or two. Planning the wedding sometimes takes a year or so anyway! What I don't want to do however on my end is have a too-long engagement for no particular reason at all. We are both old enough to not drag our heels, but feel no rush either. Our wedding is set next May (2004) but if we could get married in a few months, I'd be just as happy. However, if you have some goals set that you'd like to achieve before marriage, such as get yourselves established after college etc, that makes sense.

Good luck!
 

pqcollectibles

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 22, 2003
Messages
3,441
I came in late to the thread too, and I guess I am an odd throw back to another age. A generation ago age.

Hubby and I met in September, never having known each other previously, in college. He was in Grad school and I had returned to finish my degree (death in the family, had to work for a while, that whole thing). He was 22 going on 23 and I was 23 going on 24. It was a whirl wind courtship that culminated in marriage after 3 short months. That was 22 going on 23 years, 2 cats, 3 houses, 3 kids, and 4 states ago.

Each relationship is unique, but there is some biophysiology working too (My science background speaking here now). Mara noted that she had a BF that she broke off with after over 3 years. Lanee noted a couple of similar instances she knew of. There is a biological reason prenups shouldn't drag on and it is something totally out of our control. Chemicals in our brains. Just like when you hurt yourself badly and don't feel the pain, or see something awful happen and have super human strength you didn't know you had. Only this is a chemically enhanced mating response.

When you see that special someone and you hit it off, a chemical biological clock starts ticking. You can't spend enough time together, you think of your partner constantly, you don't notice/let slide bad habits that ordinarily would bother you, etc., etc., etc. The brain continues cranking out the mating chemicals for about 2 years. Kinda like a bonding time clock. After the chemical response dies off, the couple should be bonded for life. It is a biological explanation for why couples with protracted engagements tend not to get married. There are always exceptions, of course. Maybe if the chemical response continued longer, the divorce rate would be lower. Who knows??!!

Nothing wrong with you asking him. We are in the 21st century aren't we?! Do what guys do. Discuss marriage and kids. Feel him out. When you're comfortable, ask. If you cohabitate, definitely work together on some sort of time frame for relationship events/progression as others have suggested. Otherwise, you might wind up spending some of the best years of your life in a relationship that isn't going down the aisle.
 

Lanee

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 29, 2003
Messages
534
Is it me or does it drive everyone nuts when the original poster doesn't follow up? Does any one know what murrayk decided?

MurrayK, where are you? What's the status?
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
She is probably on her honeymoon!
That or packing her newly-moved- in boyfriend's clothes and putting them on the porch. Hope its the former.
 

Lanee

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 29, 2003
Messages
534
Mara, You're funny! I like you hope, they ran off to elope.
 

pqcollectibles

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 22, 2003
Messages
3,441
LOL, Mara and Lanee!

She probably didn't like my "Brain" story. LOL

I hope they eloped too!
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    What is White Gold?
    What is White Gold?
    Push Present: Engagement Ring Upgrade
    Push Present: Engagement Ring Upgrade
    20th Anniversary Upgrade
    20th Anniversary Upgrade

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top