Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

I stood up to him yesterday

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
7,001
My husband that is. I mentioned in a past thread somewhere that he has an anger problem and he has been working on it this year. This year was significant because we almost called it quits on the marriage, I told him I just want to be happy, we have since decided to work on it and we are making progress.

So, this is not something that cropped up overnight although I turned a blind eye to it for years. It first became apparent when I was pregnant and we were having an argument about his job which escalated into him smashing his phone on the floor in front of me. Then he broke a cabinet in the kitchen by slamming it too hard. Then earlier this year he slammed out front storm door so hard he pulled the chain part at the top clear out of the wood. I was totally livid over this especially because he did this in front of our two kids. I insisted he get the drill and fix it, he argued that it didn't serve any purpose and I told him that chain was on that door for the past twelve years and I didn't care whether he believed it served a function, I wanted it fixed. He begrudgingly fixed it. This was significant though because at this point I had stopped turning a blind eye to his juvenile outbursts.


This past weekend he snapped at me and so I decided to take the dog and leave for a few hours. He apologized and life went on. Last night though he decided he wanted to get some wires out from under the tv stand leg and needed my help. As we were talking about this apparently I asked one too many questions for him and he nastily snapped at me "just forget it, never mind". So I went and sat down and when he asked what I was doing I told him I would not help him if he was going to speak to me like that. In classic fashion he said he didn't say anything mean, right but it's not what you say, it's how you say it. He was totally shocked that I refused to help him and he apologized but I told him, an apology is a great start but he needs to work on this. I wasn't mad, I didn't react, I was just matter of fact about it.

He has made progress but we have a ways to go. The difference now is that I don't just let him have these ridiculous outbursts, I call him out on it. I can't change his reaction but I can certainly control mine. Obviously I let this go on far too long, part of it was probably low self esteem on my end because when you are treated in such a way you begin to wonder if it's you. At the end of the day though he needs to be an example, we both do, because I do not want my kids to grow up fearful like I did. Time to stop the cycle.
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
9,343
Good work! I am so glad you recognized his behaviors and are strong enough to do something about it. You are a wonderful example to your kids. I hope he is willing to keep working so that he can be a good model for them too.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
It sounds like you did a great job of remaining calm while dealing with the situation, which is obviously something he needs to work on (so maybe he can learn from your example).
I had an argument with hubby last night and it resulted in him saying something very hurtful. I successfully pulled myself together for the sake of the kids, but I'm still not over it :blackeye:
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
7,001
momhappy|1479305786|4099265 said:
It sounds like you did a great job of remaining calm while dealing with the situation, which is obviously something he needs to work on (so maybe he can learn from your example).
I had an argument with hubby last night and it resulted in him saying something very hurtful. I successfully pulled myself together for the sake of the kids, but I'm still not over it :blackeye:
Was there something in the air last night? I'm sorry that happened to you, people downplay the power of words but they never go away. They say time heals all wounds so hopefully that holds true for you.

I am getting better at keeping it together but I have to control my yelling. My mother was a yeller so it take an effort to keep from resorting to that. She would also sigh when frustrated and apparently I got that handed down too!
 

PierreBear

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Mar 21, 2016
Messages
1,260
momhappy|1479305786|4099265 said:
It sounds like you did a great job of remaining calm while dealing with the situation, which is obviously something he needs to work on (so maybe he can learn from your example).
I had an argument with hubby last night and it resulted in him saying something very hurtful. I successfully pulled myself together for the sake of the kids, but I'm still not over it :blackeye:
Keep it up, ladies!! Ya'll are amazing.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
Yes, there was something in the air (thus the argument), but the insult came out of nowhere.
I'm not comfortable sharing, so I'll just leave it at that. Communication is something we need to work on.
I wish you the best in dealing with your situation. It really sounds like you're on the right track, so kudos to you for standing up for yourself :appl:
 

AGBF

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 26, 2003
Messages
21,844
I am very sorry you both had hard times last night, momhappy and StephanieLynn. StephanieLynn, your husband's outbursts are mild compared to what my husband's used to be. I do not know if anything could have worked on his. However, I never had the courage and intelligence to try your method. I cannot tell you how much I admire you. Indeed, you are a great example to your children.

Big hugs,
(((StephanieLynn)))
Deb
 

Puppmom

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 25, 2007
Messages
3,160
Stephanie, good for you! To some degree (and NOT your fault!) I think the person with the temper (or whatever undesirable behavior) thinks it is acceptable because it is tolerated. It's silly to think that way but I think it makes them feel better. I'm glad you firmly but calmly responded to his poor behavior. Sounds like you're moving it the right direction.

Momhappy, I'm sorry. Things like that stick with me too. I try not to carry them around but it's very hard.

It's interesting - my husband is an extremely mild mannered man (like literally won't kill a fly). Sometimes it's his silence that gets to me. It makes me wonder what's going on in there. And leads to me making assumptions and sometimes projecting them on to him like they're fact. I feel pretty self aware in that sense (now anyway) so I try to be careful.
 

Queenie60

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 15, 2014
Messages
4,670
Good for you OP! You do not need to tolerate his tantrums. Continue putting your foot down - and insist that he get help to learn to deal with his anger.
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,983
My ex-husband's m.o. was to get angry with me and break things that were important to me. He had serious anger issues, never apologized, and his intent was malicious. It sounds like your husband has some anger management issues but isn't deliberately trying to cause you harm or distress. Good luck working through all of this. Hopefully he will take responsibility for his actions and really work on improving his reactions to stress.
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
Great job! What a strong way to handle that situation!!! Good for you!
 

purplesparklies

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 28, 2010
Messages
743
What an excellent way to deal with a difficult situation. I'm proud of you! Your example will show your children that even when things are tense and difficult, you can choose to remain calm, levelheaded and in control.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
7,001
AGBF, thank you so much for your lovely reply, it really meant a lot to me. I'm sorry you had to experience that, it seems this is more common then I realized and I know it could be much worse but then we all deserve only the best in life and that is what I wish for you and all my PS friends.

Puppmom, you hit the nail on the head because he wouldn't have changed if I had continued to tolerate it but at one point I was like, this is not normal or okay and decided enough was enough. That quiet mild mannered personality of your DH would have me wondering too, I would probably badger the poor man to death!

Queenie, thanks and he has come a long way so far, still work to be done but I think we will both be better for it.

Monarch, girl your post just broke my heart, that is just terrible that someone would do that on purpose. Good thing he is an ex, obviously we haven't met IRL but I think you are a wonderful person so you deserve someone who will appreciate you and be there as a wonderful loving partner. As for my husband, he was raised by a dysfunctional mother, I have tried to have a relationship with her but it just isn't going to happen. He is willing to try though so that is a positive. We've been together for 15 years and he was not always like this but I think his job doesn't help and we don't really have any help with the kids so the stress gets to him worse than me.

Gypsy, thanks for the encouragement especially with everything you have on your own plate, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Purplesparklies, I just love that name! Thank you for your encouraging words. Since we have two boys I never want them to think it is okay to act out in anger, especially in front of a woman. My nine year old is especially sensitive to bickering and such so we really try to keep things peaceful when we disagree in front of the kids. It's not easy though!
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,660
Glad you stood up for yourself! It's not just for you. It's for your kids and what they learn by example.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
41,887
Stephanie, good for you! You are not letting him get away with his bad behavior anymore and you are breaking the cycle of verbal abuse that is definitely unhealthy for you, your dh and your kids.

Just another thought. Have you considered therapy for the 2 of you and anger management for your dh? It sounds like it might be helpful to support the process of healing and becoming a safe cohesive family unit even during challenging times. Because as you know life has ups and downs and if your dh doesn't learn the proper methods to control his frustration, disappointment and anger he might start reverting back to previous behavior unless he has the tools with which to withstand and manage stress. Just a thought and anyway awesome beginning!!!
 

Shondra

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 15, 2016
Messages
46
Queenie60|1479313311|4099299 said:
Good for you OP! You do not need to tolerate his tantrums. Continue putting your foot down - and insist that he get help to learn to deal with his anger.
I totally agree with you. There is a fine line between unconditional love and putting up with this kind of nonsense. Let him know that you won't put up with it any longer, but help him seek help for his problem.
 
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    Upgrade to Five-Stone
    Upgrade to Five-Stone
    Elizabeth Taylor's Diamond Heart
    Elizabeth Taylor's Diamond Heart
    Tips for Black Friday Engagement Ring Shopping
    Tips for Black Friday Engagement Ring Shopping

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top