I really need to vent...

[anchor31]

Ever since FI and I got engaged, all I ever seem to get from everyone is drama. My FILs are horrid, my sister is freaking out, my mother''s turning into a motherzilla... Planning the wedding itself is the easiest thing ever, everything''s just falling into place, but I never ever thought that we would have so much trouble from both sides of the family. I''m sick to death of it. I feel like pulling the bridezilla act and screaming my head off.

You ladies might remember the engagement party drama that happened last summer, when the FMIL demanded that my mother planned the party for her and all that... Do you remember how I said we''d elope if we had any more drama, and we''d warned everyone? Well, with all this, I''m not sure if I''m more angry at the troublemakers or myself... Because I can''t bring myself to make that decision. That lovely semi-formal blue August wedding we started to plan (and paid almost a thousand dollars in deposits on), it''s like a dream come true, and I want it so much (and I know FI really wants it too) that I can''t bring myself to make good on that promise... And I feel like I''ve letting everyone step on me.

I''ve told my sister to let me go, I''ve put my foot down and told my mother that the decisions for our wedding were ours to make and that our financial decisions were none of her business, and I''ve asked FI to deal with his parents, so in reality I''m not letting people step all over me... But I guess the pressure is getting to me. I''ve always been the "good little girl", so becoming more assertive for the good of the new family I''m building hasn''t been easy.

I''m sorry if I''m not making much sense, it''s late, I''m upset and I''m rambling... I want what''s best for J and I, but I don''t want us to alienate our families for it... And lately I''ve often felt like it''s us or them.

I guess I''m hoping that someone will have some words of wisdom for me... Some way to diffuse the drama, or maybe just something to handle the pressure... between that and the finals coming, the summer job hunting and the upcoming move with my FI, I feel like I''m about to explode.

Thanks all.

 

[poptart]

Anchor, I''m sorry you''re feeling this way. I think if I remember right we are similar in age, and I think a lot of this comes from how young we are. Parents still feel the need to parent and can''t seem to understand that you are able to make your own decisions now, and you won''t end up screwing everything up! Since FI and I went through similar issues like this just a couple of years ago when we first got engaged, I just want to tell you to make sure that you lay everything out with your parents and in-laws now. I got treated very poorly (I think) by my MIL before we got married, and you have to tell your FI to just lay the law down if you both think your in-laws are being unreasonable. But ultimately, it will get better. When people get engaged, especially when they are younger, it seems to cause quite a bit of upheaval in both families. Change can be even more difficult when you have to factor in a lot of different people. But really, the family will start to understand and eventually it will feel comfortable again.

*M*

 

[onedrop]

Anchor: I am so sorry to hear of the drama surrounding your wedding. It''s always surprising to me how many emotions get stirred up around weddings. And a lot of times it comes from people you least expect. So far it seems like you have done the right thing in standing up for yourself. That would have been my first piece of advice. Further than that I don''t have much to offer except to say that it''s important to keep standing up for yourself. Sometimes laying down the law doesn''t take on the first try.

Seeing that you and your FI both want the wedding that you have begun to plan, do all you can to make that a reality. You will only regret it (I think) if you don''t go through with your plans due to other people''s issues. Hang in there.

 

[So_happy]

You are doing the very best you can under this pressure in your life! And it sounds like you''re doing a fantastic job, too.

When we got engaged in November, I immediately started asking everyone''s opinion and for everyone''s help and I felt all warm inside thinking of all the collaborations we''d have. By January, I''d learned a huge lesson and that was to NOT do that. (and we are paying for it all ourselves........yet my family and friends acted as if they had some monetary stake in things). Anyhow, I resolved to keep my ideas to myself and share them only with my fiance and since then all has been lovely. For us, it was a "too many cooks spoil the broth" scenario.

Is there a way to do the same? Just stop collaborations altogether? Don''t tell someone when you''re shopping for veils or if you don''t know what color petals to buy etc.? You''d have your peace

This may be easier for me since I live in RI but my BMs and in laws live in MA and my mom in SC.

Huge hugs while you work this out!

 

[Maisie]

I''m really sorry you are feeling so upset. Your wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life - yet it can become a virtual war-zone as you try to please everyone.

A good point has been made - we all like to involve people in the initial planning stages - asking opinions etc. Its a really exciting time and you just want to talk and talk about your wedding. I loved that time too. However it does make people think they are entitled to put their foot down and demand that you listen to them and choose what they advise you to.
If you stop talking about it and stop letting them know when you are going to buy or book something they won''t be able to interfere.

If it helps at all - as you get older it gets much easier to say ''no'' to people!! I never could when I was in my 20''s but now I am in my mid 30''s its a breeze! Its probably because you get a little bit more respect for being older. Its true that your parents love to keep on parenting you - its a bit hard to let go.

Good luck

Maisie

 

[NYCsparkle]

have your wedding your way and tell people if they don''t like it don''t come. chances are they''ll behave themselves. my nona says if you come you do me 1 favor....if you don''t you do me 2.

 

[neatfreak]

Anchor, I wish I had some good advice, but all I have is a virtual hug!!!! Just try and keep it light and laugh your way through it.

It''ll get better and you and J will have a fantastic day!

 

[anchor31]

poptart - My 22nd birthday is coming up in early May, so I think I''m about one year older than you. What you''re saying makes a lot of sense... My parents have always been very present in my life, in the most positive way, and although they are very happy to see me happy with my life and excited to build my own family with a wonderful and loving man, they can''t help still being parents... They''ve always been extremely generous and they still are, paying 50% of our wedding plus a wedding gift, so saying "no" is pretty difficult, and often accompanied with guilt. However, I''m telling myself that my parents promised that this money came with no strings attached and they told us that we could plan it the way we want it (as long as we don''t splurge unreasonably, but I''ve never had a tendency to do that). So, I shouldn''t be feeling guilty to tell my mother that the decisions we make regarding our couple, future, and wedding are ours to make, and ours alone. As for the FILs, I hope that they will come to terms with the fact that their son is getting married. I also hope that they''ll understand that while we appreciate the intention, we''d rather have money for the wedding than a refrigerator, since we can''t afford a house for the time being...

 

[poptart]

Date: 3/26/2007 11:47:34 AM
Author: anchor31
poptart - My 22nd birthday is coming up in early May, so I think I''m about one year older than you. What you''re saying makes a lot of sense... My parents have always been very present in my life, in the most positive way, and although they are very happy to see me happy with my life and excited to build my own family with a wonderful and loving man, they can''t help still being parents... They''ve always been extremely generous and they still are, paying 50% of our wedding plus a wedding gift, so saying ''no'' is pretty difficult, and often accompanied with guilt. However, I''m telling myself that my parents promised that this money came with no strings attached and they told us that we could plan it the way we want it (as long as we don''t splurge unreasonably, but I''ve never had a tendency to do that). So, I shouldn''t be feeling guilty to tell my mother that the decisions we make regarding our couple, future, and wedding are ours to make, and ours alone. As for the FILs, I hope that they will come to terms with the fact that their son is getting married. I also hope that they''ll understand that while we appreciate the intention, we''d rather have money for the wedding than a refrigerator, since we can''t afford a house for the time being...

Your are almost exactly a year older than me since my 21st birthday is mid May! If I was in your situation, I would sit down and have another discussion with your parents about the money issue. Do they understand that you feel this way, or are they unintentionally trying to control the wedding? I think that happens in most wedding planning, though, where a part of the family thinks they know best. As for your FILs, I strongly suggest that you have your FI sit down and talk with them. I wasn''t treated very well be a certain member of my ILs, until DH finally laid down the law and said enough was enough. It''s definitely hard to let go, and that was the main reason that I was treated the way I was. It will get better as long as the both of you are proactive about it! I wonder what to do about the refrigerator problem though... I think your FI would have to broach that subject with them, since that would be a very uncomfortable conversation to have.

*M*

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/25/2007 10:31:18 PM
Author: onedrop
Anchor: I am so sorry to hear of the drama surrounding your wedding. It''s always surprising to me how many emotions get stirred up around weddings. And a lot of times it comes from people you least expect. So far it seems like you have done the right thing in standing up for yourself. That would have been my first piece of advice. Further than that I don''t have much to offer except to say that it''s important to keep standing up for yourself. Sometimes laying down the law doesn''t take on the first try.

Seeing that you and your FI both want the wedding that you have begun to plan, do all you can to make that a reality. You will only regret it (I think) if you don''t go through with your plans due to other people''s issues. Hang in there.

Thank you for your support. Yes, I do think we''ll regret it if we just give up... This is the wedding we want. So, I''m doing my best to handle my family and him his. I''m feeling so stressed it doesn''t take much for me to fly off the handle...

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/26/2007 12:46:35 AM
Author: So_happy
You are doing the very best you can under this pressure in your life! And it sounds like you''re doing a fantastic job, too.

When we got engaged in November, I immediately started asking everyone''s opinion and for everyone''s help and I felt all warm inside thinking of all the collaborations we''d have. By January, I''d learned a huge lesson and that was to NOT do that. (and we are paying for it all ourselves........yet my family and friends acted as if they had some monetary stake in things). Anyhow, I resolved to keep my ideas to myself and share them only with my fiance and since then all has been lovely. For us, it was a ''too many cooks spoil the broth'' scenario.

Is there a way to do the same? Just stop collaborations altogether? Don''t tell someone when you''re shopping for veils or if you don''t know what color petals to buy etc.? You''d have your peace

This may be easier for me since I live in RI but my BMs and in laws live in MA and my mom in SC.

Huge hugs while you work this out!

Thanks for the encouragements and the hugs! They are much needed.

I was very excited at the idea of having people to help me plan my wedding too, and I''m realizing, just like you, that it''s not working so well. It makes me really sad... I had hoped it could have been something I could have shared with my mom.

So I guess I''ll keep the plans more between myself and J, fortunately I have the most wonderful BM ever, so at least she can help me a little.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/26/2007 7:25:36 AM
Author: Maisie
I''m really sorry you are feeling so upset. Your wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life - yet it can become a virtual war-zone as you try to please everyone.

A good point has been made - we all like to involve people in the initial planning stages - asking opinions etc. Its a really exciting time and you just want to talk and talk about your wedding. I loved that time too. However it does make people think they are entitled to put their foot down and demand that you listen to them and choose what they advise you to.
If you stop talking about it and stop letting them know when you are going to buy or book something they won''t be able to interfere.

If it helps at all - as you get older it gets much easier to say ''no'' to people!! I never could when I was in my 20''s but now I am in my mid 30''s its a breeze! Its probably because you get a little bit more respect for being older. Its true that your parents love to keep on parenting you - its a bit hard to let go.

Good luck

Maisie

It''s good to know that saying "no" gets easier... I''m fairly new at this! I know it''s for the best, but it''s pretty hard. Thanks Maisie!

 

[anchor31]

NYCsparkle and neatfreak - Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/26/2007 1:42:19 PM
Author: poptart

Your are almost exactly a year older than me since my 21st birthday is mid May! If I was in your situation, I would sit down and have another discussion with your parents about the money issue. Do they understand that you feel this way, or are they unintentionally trying to control the wedding? I think that happens in most wedding planning, though, where a part of the family thinks they know best. As for your FILs, I strongly suggest that you have your FI sit down and talk with them. I wasn't treated very well be a certain member of my ILs, until DH finally laid down the law and said enough was enough. It's definitely hard to let go, and that was the main reason that I was treated the way I was. It will get better as long as the both of you are proactive about it! I wonder what to do about the refrigerator problem though... I think your FI would have to broach that subject with them, since that would be a very uncomfortable conversation to have.

*M*

Having another discussion with my parents might help, I think I'll do that. And I'm already having my FI handle the issues with his family, it's not easy for him, but it's better if it comes from him than from me... I don't think it would be appreciated if I told them we'd rather have money than a fridge!

I talked to FI and he's planning on having a talk with his mom.

I have to say though, the refrigerator issue is the least of my concerned right now! I'm much more concerned with his father making his life miserable and his mother acting like I'm stealing away her son... He's 25, for goodness' sake!

It gets really difficult.

 

[allycat0303]

Anchor,

Maybe it''s something in the water in Montreal. It isn''t conducive to stress-free, sane wedding planning. What I''ve found of late is to kind of just ride things through, and give everyone a chance to calm down. Let the slights go, and breath. I think every week there is something new, and I would be through the roof if I took it all on. When it gets too messy, try and dissociate yourself, don''t try to solve the situation right away (because it''s obvious that in many cases there is NO quick fix) and come back and deal with it when you feel stronger and less emotional. It''s really easy to feel overwhelmed and attacked from all sides when your family is against you. Don''t worry, you''ll get through it. Hugs!

 

[anchor31]

Haha, that must be it... I''m doing my best to let things cool down, but it seems like trouble is looking for me, not the other way around...

My family is particularly emotional, so it doesn''t make things easier. The big issue right now with my mom is that J and I are seriously considering having a limited open bar at our reception since our venue is so cheap and we''re having so many OOT guests. Some of them will have to spend over 300$ of gas and accomodations to come to our wedding... The least we can do is pay an extra 15$/person so they can have wine, beer and soft drinks for the party. As you know, it''s not exactly common around here. Mom is dead set against it, really freaking out and saying we''re inviting people to get drunk and have accidents. The way I see it, people who want to get drunk will do so whether they have to pay for it or not, and I''d rather they did it in the reception hall, where they can be watched and cut off from alcohol, than hiding in the parking lot with bottles of liquor they brought in the trunks of their car (I''ve seen it happen). Anyway, I told her it''s our decision, we''ll make sure the barmaid cuts off people once they are intoxicated, the bar closes one hour before the end of the reception and we''ll include a note in the menu inviting our guests to moderation. J will be paying the additional costs for it and has no problems with it.

I hope things are getting better on your end.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 3/27/2007 12:05:01 PM
Author: anchor31
Haha, that must be it... I'm doing my best to let things cool down, but it seems like trouble is looking for me, not the other way around...

My family is particularly emotional, so it doesn't make things easier. The big issue right now with my mom is that J and I are seriously considering having a limited open bar at our reception since our venue is so cheap and we're having so many OOT guests. Some of them will have to spend over 300$ of gas and accomodations to come to our wedding... The least we can do is pay an extra 15$/person so they can have wine, beer and soft drinks for the party. As you know, it's not exactly common around here. Mom is dead set against it, really freaking out and saying we're inviting people to get drunk and have accidents. The way I see it, people who want to get drunk will do so whether they have to pay for it or not, and I'd rather they did it in the reception hall, where they can be watched and cut off from alcohol, than hiding in the parking lot with bottles of liquor they brought in the trunks of their car (I've seen it happen). Anyway, I told her it's our decision, we'll make sure the barmaid cuts off people once they are intoxicated, the bar closes one hour before the end of the reception and we'll include a note in the menu inviting our guests to moderation. J will be paying the additional costs for it and has no problems with it.

I hope things are getting better on your end.

Can you comprimise with your mom and do 1 hour open bar and bottles of wine out on the tables? I know it's your wedding, but maybe she'd be really nerous the whole night if you had the open bar and would not be able to enjoy herself?

I can kind of see that, I heard somewhere that the host can be held partially responsible if a guest gets drunk and gets into an accident...not sure if it's true, but I actually worry a little bit about my guests as well.

 

[allycat0303]

Ugh. I don''t know what the custom with open bar is here in Montreal. I''ve gone back and forth about the whole thing. I was thinking 2 wine bottles per table and open bar for 2-3 hours. Most of family is Mormon, where alcohol is really frowned upon. I myself have never had a sip of alcohol, but I don''t have a moral opposition against it so I''m trying to compromise on it. But honestly, my take on this is we''re paying for everything, so all of you can just keep your comments to yourself. I have to say that the details of this thing matter really little to me so I don''t get riled when they disagree. I just figure it is in the NATURE of families to be unhappy with what you are doing, because it''s not the way *They would do it* and really there''s no right or wrong way of doing things, so you can''t possibly be a *bad girl* for doing it your way. Good luck!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/27/2007 1:05:32 PM
Author: allycat0303
Ugh. I don''t know what the custom with open bar is here in Montreal. I''ve gone back and forth about the whole thing. I was thinking 2 wine bottles per table and open bar for 2-3 hours. Most of family is Mormon, where alcohol is really frowned upon. I myself have never had a sip of alcohol, but I don''t have a moral opposition against it so I''m trying to compromise on it. But honestly, my take on this is we''re paying for everything, so all of you can just keep your comments to yourself. I have to say that the details of this thing matter really little to me so I don''t get riled when they disagree. I just figure it is in the NATURE of families to be unhappy with what you are doing, because it''s not the way *They would do it* and really there''s no right or wrong way of doing things, so you can''t possibly be a *bad girl* for doing it your way. Good luck!

That''s exactly what we''re planning on doing... 2 wine bottles per table and 3 hours open bar. I don''t drink much and I don''t see it as excessive... I''m considering asking the cocktail to be alcohol-free, that might soothe my mother a bit.

Thanks for the support.

 

[So_happy]

Date: 3/27/2007 8:01:54 AM
Author: anchor31

Date: 3/26/2007 12:46:35 AM
Author: So_happy
You are doing the very best you can under this pressure in your life! And it sounds like you''re doing a fantastic job, too.

When we got engaged in November, I immediately started asking everyone''s opinion and for everyone''s help and I felt all warm inside thinking of all the collaborations we''d have. By January, I''d learned a huge lesson and that was to NOT do that. (and we are paying for it all ourselves........yet my family and friends acted as if they had some monetary stake in things). Anyhow, I resolved to keep my ideas to myself and share them only with my fiance and since then all has been lovely. For us, it was a ''too many cooks spoil the broth'' scenario.

Is there a way to do the same? Just stop collaborations altogether? Don''t tell someone when you''re shopping for veils or if you don''t know what color petals to buy etc.? You''d have your peace

This may be easier for me since I live in RI but my BMs and in laws live in MA and my mom in SC.

Huge hugs while you work this out!

Thanks for the encouragements and the hugs! They are much needed.

I was very excited at the idea of having people to help me plan my wedding too, and I''m realizing, just like you, that it''s not working so well. It makes me really sad... I had hoped it could have been something I could have shared with my mom.

So I guess I''ll keep the plans more between myself and J, fortunately I have the most wonderful BM ever, so at least she can help me a little.

In January, when I learned that I was losing my sanity, it was hard to let go of the warm fuzzy needs for sure. By mid January, however, I realized I had had 2 full weeks without a snarky email or tears over some such comment It was then that I could say I became an advocate for this technique. Funny thing is, I notice they don''t approach me either with much lol. It''s as if our particular brands of personalities just did not mix under the context of a wedding and we ALL felt it.

I now only bring up wedding stuff when prompted first and even then I keep it REAL light and sweet. Phooey on them for not being apart of it like a bunch of adults!

 

[So_happy]

Regarding the open bar issue of guests drinking to harmful levels.............the bartender(s) you hire to pour should have liability insurance, no? That puts at least most of that responsibility (legally) on the person in the best posistion to know if a guest has had too much or not. That does not ease any ethical concerns of course.