I pulled a skeleton out of the family closet today

[Upgradable]

.... and I'm horrified!

I was facebook chatting with my cousin's daughter. They are the only family who lives here in Oklahoma where we are. She and my daughter are very close and I function very much like an aunt to her. I'm also still pretty close with her mother, my cousin.

She IM'd me to get advice about talking to her dad about the fact that he doesn't like her boyfriend. He's black, and her dad (not my blood relative) doesn't like her dating him. Typical old school bigotry. I explained a lot about the history of bigotry in our family and suggested ways in which she could approach her dad, telling him she wish he'd just get to know her boyfriend as a person.

I mentioned the generational nature and history of bigotry when her dad was growing up. He is older, the same age as her grandfather (my dad's brother) in fact. I mentioned that her grandfather also has some significant biases against people of a lot of different backgrounds. I told her this is probably why her uncle (my cousin) never came out of the closet.

::C R I C K E T S::

I was not prepared for the fact that she didn't know her uncle is gay! I can't imagine her mom not talking to her about it, but now understanding her dad's views, I understand why. Long story short.... I outed him to his niece! She's fine with it. But I told her not to mention anything to her mom until I had the chance to talk to her and tell her what happened.

Have you ever found yourself in this kind of a situation? How did it turn out?

 

[jaysonsmom]

Wow, that is an interesting story. Hopefully your niece is mature enough not to breathe a word of it to anyone.

I've never outed anyone, but my mom accidently told me about my dad's oldest sister who he's never mentioned. Then I made her tell me what happened to that sister. Apparently she was sold to the sex trade when she was young (my dad grew up in extreme poverty), and eventually died from an STD. Anyhoo, my mom told me never to mention it to my dad, who has blocked this from his memory, so I never did mention it.....

Don't worry, every family has their skeletons, and she probably wasn't too shocked. That'll be a fun story to tell one day.

 

[sctsbride09]

When I was a kid, I knew my uncle was gay, my mom never hid it from me. My little cousin however, did not. One time at Christmas, my uncle brought his SO at the time. My little cousin asked why my uncle always had to bring his "roomate", thats how her parents refered to the situation.To which I immediately responded "thats not Uncle Xs roomate, thats his boyfriend", I honestly had no idea what the big deal was, but my cousin was shocked! And my Aunt was pretty mad at me, she had a talk with my mom about me knowing too many "grown up" things. I also was very young when I found out he has AIDS, and my cousins STILL dont know that. The thing is, I am glad I knew about these things, I think it caused me to be much more accepting, and the way I figure, I grew up with reality all around me, where my cousins grew up in a protected little bubble, and I see how they struggle with other types of people and how mean they can be when someone is "different" from them. I think its good to be honest with kids about things like that, the reality is that throughout your life, you will come across all different types of people, gay, straight,black, white, I honestly dont see how brushing differences under the rug helps anything. We should celebrate our differences, and learn from them.

 

[Kaleigh]

I have 2 stories. One involved my brother. He came to me and said he was gay. He was terrified of telling my parents... I was in college, when he told me. BUT I always knew. I ended up being the one to tell my parents on his behalf. I had taken a course in college, said it's not a choice, it's what you are... Nothing you did wrong as a parent...

Well they didn't take it well, and years went by without them speaking.. I was like what's wrong with you?? He is your son!!! You should love him unconditionaly...

He died of AIDS, and I was the one at his side. The family just couldn't deal, and that made me so sad.

Second story, my god son was on a social network, not Facebook, but the other one. He was open about being gay. His mother had no clue. My DD discovered it, something we had always thought, but never knew..

I called my friend and told her. Was she shocked, no. Did she think it was true , yes... I said if anyone had to tell you this best for it to come from me than anyone esle, as you know. I understand and will be there to help you get through this in any way I can...

It was a bumpy road, but he's doing great and I am so proud of him...

These days it's still very hard to be gay... You'd think 2010 it's not a big deal. But it is, and my heart goes to those that are dealing with this and who don't have supportive people around them...


Walk a mile in their shoes... It's not easy.

 

[Nashville]

2 kids in my family are adopted (brother and sister) and no one has told them yet. Now they are older and about to enter high school and they are getting suspicious because no one has pictures of them as infants or of their birth. I personally think it's ridiculous that everyone has tried to cover it up for so long, how are they going to react when they find out now?

 

[Upgradable]

Kaleigh, my sympathies. I'm so glad your brother had you there with him, and I'm sure you have wonderful memories of your relationship!

Nashville, I've never understood that kind of thing! I have never seen secret keeping end up as a positive thing.

 

[Indylady]

I've pulled out a couple skeletons, one being cousin I've never met from an aunt's first marriage. And then, a few divorces that happened way before I was born, and a well-hidden separation of a family I visited often enough, which made me think that I should have realized sooner. It sounds like your niece is accepting and well into her teen years, so I don't see anything wrong with outing her uncle as long as he doesn't mind as is out himself. Eek, what a situation to be in.

 

[Upgradable]

So, do I just let it lie (irony noted)? She is mature enought to handle the knowledge without is causing a ruckus? Or do I call her mother and tell her what happened, so that mom know that daughter knows that uncle is....

 

[monarch64]

I don't know what to tell you, Uppy. I have never outed anyone that I know of, but I've been on the opposite side of that fence and it wasn't a good feeling. When I was 18, a co-worker made a comment to me and I went home and asked my mother about it, who had no choice but to tell me something that was no one else's business and that I certainly did not need to know about my grandparents. The co-worker, for whatever reason, just assumed that I knew.

I guess the info about the uncle is out there now and she is free to do with it what she wants. I guess calling her mother would be sort of damage control.

 

[les12]

Kaleigh, my sympathies. I'm so glad your brother had you there with him, and I'm sure you have wonderful memories of your relationship!

Nashville, I've never understood that kind of thing! I have never seen secret keeping end up as a positive thing.

I completely agree.

My family has no big secrets, we are all pretty open. My husband's family - that's another story.
His mom was married previously and had a daughter, who was adopted by my husband's dad, so she is his sister. They are very close. However, my husband doesn't even know her biological father's name. Isn't that strange? His sister still has contact with him so it's not like he's totally out of the picture.

What's even stranger, he didn't know that his dad was also previously married until he was about 21!!! I don't understand it. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of.

I've told my husband time and time again that our family will never be so secretive... he agrees!

 

[gemgirl]

So, do I just let it lie (irony noted)? She is mature enought to handle the knowledge without is causing a ruckus? Or do I call her mother and tell her what happened, so that mom know that daughter knows that uncle is....

Do you talk to your cousin often? Is it normal for you to call to shoot the breeze? If so, I'd tell her as part of the conversation. If you don't speak to her often, I don't know that I'd call her just to tell her that you spilled the beans (so to speak). Also hopefully her daughter is mature enough to handle this news.

It's awful that this kind of stuff is considered a family secret. If we could just love and accept people for who they are, there wouldn't be any secret to keep.

 

[vintagelover229]

Uppy...it's funny that you started this thread because this has just started happening with my family. I was adopted at a much later age, and I only have half siblings. On of my younger sisters (just turned 17) is now allowed to communicate with her bio. familiy and she sees her dad for the first time in 12 years in a couple of weeks. The situation is much more complex and I can't even begin to fathom sharing it all, nor would I, but think Jerry Springer and you've got my family dynamics pretty much. My little sister L has 3 older siblings from her father (we all have the same mother) and her older brother J is in prison for cooking meth and her older sister R is a functional mess. But the kicker here is...they are VERY good liars. My little sister hasn't seen them in years and doesn't know their true colours yet, and so my fear is they are going to have a huge influence on her in bad ways because their motives are very selfish. That's another story though.

I was discussing my concerns with my mother (bio mom, so L's mom too) and my mom started telling all sorts of skeletons that they had in the closet. The one that had me going was the one about my little sister L's older brother J (as if in prison wasnt' enough) and her older sister R. My mom said that the reason R wasn't married to the father of either of her baby's fathers is because she's always been in love with J and that my sisters dad walked in on them...errrr ummm...yeah a LONG time ago. Like 10 years or something when they were teenagers. I guess J was taken to the police by his dad and that's why he's a registered sex offender (which I didn't know either). Well, because of the source (my mother) I wasn't sure the info was totally true...so I asked my bio. dad who is good friends w my little sister L's dad. Turns out it's true! My dad told me to NEVER tell my little sister because if her dad finds out ppl are still talking about it he's not going to be happy (not the type of guy you make angry either). Right before J went back to prison (he's gone once before for the same thing) he was LIVING with R and her son in the same house.
Glad that's not what my little sister is going to find. I don't think she could handle that information. Heck, I'm not sure I can!

So yeah. Not my family skeleton...but one I could have NEVER known about and been fine for the rest of my life. Some information I just DON'T NEED TO KNOW.

 

[Upgradable]

Redrose, I'm so sorry... for the convoluted mess that is your family? I wanted to say I was sorry, but wasn't sure for what. Eek! That's why God created alcohol? (I know that's in bad taste, but obviously my sensitivity meter is way out of whack at the moment.)

I just had a very long conversation with my cousin. It seems that her daughter wasn't the only one who was unaware of her brother's sexuality. She said she suspected it for a long time, but it was a very "don't ask, don't tell" kind of subject. She's glad she knows for sure now and she's going to talk with her daughter this evening.

Now there's nothing left but to see how far the ripples reach.

 

[Callisto]

Aw, I've been there. I outed a friend of mine to another friend because I honestly thought he knew... the friend I outed was really nice about it. I apologized and explained that it was an honest mistake. This was especially touchy since said friend had been outed (by a really crappy friend of ours) to a lot of people in our group of friends before he was ready, about a year before my accidental comment.

Besides learning about family skeletons is part of growing up, haha. In the past few years since being in my 20's I've learned way more family skeletons than I thought even existed... families are a funny thing.

 

[VRBeauty]

Uppy - no need for you to feel bad. You revealed this family secret inadvertently, in the best possible context - during a conversation about bigotry and intolerance. I suspect that whatever the fallout, it will be a case of short-term pain for long-term gain. These are the kind of secrets that poison families and kill true intimacy, not to mention spirits. I know I'm being a bit of a Pollyanna and that a lot of harm is done out of fear or bigotry, but keeping those secrets causes plenty of harm too.

I have a gay friend who kept his sexual orientation hidden, even from his family, until he retired from the military a few years ago. He loved his career and was not willing to take any chances, so he just did. not. tell. anyone. I met him just a year or two before he retired. I figured it out pretty quickly, but he hid it so well that on one or two occasions I asked him out to coffee (hoping to start something, truth be told!) only to remind myself a few minutes into our "date" that oh yeah, I forgot, he's most likely gay. That reminder usually came as soon as I saw him slip from being open and real to quick, witty, totally charming... and totally hidden. He finally revealed his secret publicly at a retirement/farewell party we threw for him before he left this area to move back to his hometown. Well into his 50's, he went home to come out to his aging father and start his life as an openly gay man. I grieved for the friendship we could have had but didn't. We had an instant rapport that had nothing to do with sexual attraction or expectations, but that never developed into a real friendship in part because he was so careful not to reveal too much of himself. And I really grieve when I think about how long he lived this way, and how many relationships were stunted or aborted because of his secret.

 

[kenny]

I found out an uncle was straight.

I don't mind; these days we accept that.
Now we know they were born that way and there is no known cause of heterosexuality

 

[iheartscience]

Uppy - no need for you to feel bad. You revealed this family secret inadvertently, in the best possible context - during a conversation about bigotry and intolerance. I suspect that whatever the fallout, it will be a case of short-term pain for long-term gain. These are the kind of secrets that poison families and kill true intimacy, not to mention spirits. I know I'm being a bit of a Pollyanna and that a lot of harm is done out of fear or bigotry, but keeping those secrets causes plenty of harm too.

I have a gay friend who kept his sexual orientation hidden, even from his family, until he retired from the military a few years ago. He loved his career and was not willing to take any chances, so he just did. not. tell. anyone. I met him just a year or two before he retired. I figured it out pretty quickly, but he hid it so well that on one or two occasions I asked him out to coffee (hoping to start something, truth be told!) only to remind myself a few minutes into our "date" that oh yeah, I forgot, he's most likely gay. That reminder usually came as soon as I saw him slip from being open and real to quick, witty, totally charming... and totally hidden. He finally revealed his secret publicly at a retirement/farewell party we threw for him before he left this area to move back to his hometown. Well into his 50's, he went home to come out to his aging father and start his life as an openly gay man. I grieved for the friendship we could have had but didn't. We had an instant rapport that had nothing to do with sexual attraction or expectations, but that never developed into a real friendship in part because he was so careful not to reveal too much of himself. And I really grieve when I think about how long he lived this way, and how many relationships were stunted or aborted because of his secret.

Wow, that is so depressing, VRBeauty. What a sad way to have to live.

 

[Upgradable]

Uppy - no need for you to feel bad. You revealed this family secret inadvertently, in the best possible context - during a conversation about bigotry and intolerance. I suspect that whatever the fallout, it will be a case of short-term pain for long-term gain. These are the kind of secrets that poison families and kill true intimacy, not to mention spirits. I know I'm being a bit of a Pollyanna and that a lot of harm is done out of fear or bigotry, but keeping those secrets causes plenty of harm too.

I have a gay friend who kept his sexual orientation hidden, even from his family, until he retired from the military a few years ago. He loved his career and was not willing to take any chances, so he just did. not. tell. anyone. I met him just a year or two before he retired. I figured it out pretty quickly, but he hid it so well that on one or two occasions I asked him out to coffee (hoping to start something, truth be told!) only to remind myself a few minutes into our "date" that oh yeah, I forgot, he's most likely gay. That reminder usually came as soon as I saw him slip from being open and real to quick, witty, totally charming... and totally hidden. He finally revealed his secret publicly at a retirement/farewell party we threw for him before he left this area to move back to his hometown. Well into his 50's, he went home to come out to his aging father and start his life as an openly gay man. I grieved for the friendship we could have had but didn't. We had an instant rapport that had nothing to do with sexual attraction or expectations, but that never developed into a real friendship in part because he was so careful not to reveal too much of himself. And I really grieve when I think about how long he lived this way, and how many relationships were stunted or aborted because of his secret.

VR, thank you for your heartfelt story. I'm sad for all the friendships lost or never started because people are not comfortable, or allowed to be comfortable being themself.

 

[Burberrygirl]

Uppy, I agree with everyone else. You shouldn't feel bad. I know so many family secrets... it's ridiculous. My parents, well mostly my mother has always been open with my siblings and I so I know about a lot of things I probably shouldn't. I actually found out one of my mom's secrets a few years ago, it was something I had always suspected and wasn't a big deal to me but my sister FREAKED out. You never know how some people are going to react. For the most part I don't care about any of the secrets I know. I have no business really knowing most of them, in fact, many of them I wish I had never found out about. The secrets I know are much different (pretty bad actually) than the one you accidentally spilled. Don't worry about it.

 

[GliderPoss]

Uppy, don't feel too bad it was an accident and your niece sounds mature enough to deal with the info sensibly.

I found a skeleton in our family by accident when I was a kid - there was a book written about our family history and in it it said: "dad" married to "mum" - 2nd wife!!!

I was so naive I said to him "hey Dad they made a mistake in the book". The whole family just looked at me (I'm the youngest) and pissed themselves with laughter. I was so confussed until Dad very gently said that he was married before he met my mum, he was very young and no I didn't have any half-siblings. I was so totally embarassed.

But on the bright side, when I got engaged really young (20) my Dad was the most understanding and happiest about it coz I think he knew what it was like.

 

[Arkteia]

There is a skeleton in my family's closet that refused to be pulled and will probably always stay there.

What we knew about my maternal grandmother's life before she married my grandfather was pretty sketchy. She had been married before, she ran away from her cheating husband, a gap, then she was married to my grandfather, had my mom and later, a son. During WW II grandmother brought her MIL and SIL to live with them (by moving them from Lenigrad my grandmother was saving them from death by starvation).

The first thing these two did when they arrived was to announce to the whole city that my mother was not my grandfather's daughter, that my grandfather married a "street woman" with a "bastard" child. My mother cried, my grandmother, ever-kind, calmed her down, my grandfather never spoke to his mother again although supported her financially.

My grandmother told me the whole allegation was "nonsense". My mother, blonde and blue-eyed, had little resemblance to my dark-eyed Jewish grandfather. She believed she was not his daughter. I assumed she was right but really, did not care because I had the best grandfather in the world.

But when my mother died, during the funeral, I noticed how much she resembled her cousin on my grandfather's side. Could be random, of course. She never looked like my uncle, her brother. It is also quite possible that my grandfather was her real father.

So this skeleton will probably stay in the closet, but both my father and I now believe that my mother was my grandfather's daughter and all these stories were the product of women's jealosy. But I think it really traumatized my mother.