I pulled a Carrie . . .

[kittybean]

In other words, I know what the ring looks like before the proposal . . . and it''s just not ME.

I absolutely cannot wait to get engaged, and I know it will be any day now, but what do I do about this ring I don''t like? I wasn''t allowed to give input on it--all I got to say was that I liked emerald cuts in white metal. So, it''s a gorgeous emerald cut in platinum, but the setting is a five-stone (two round brilliants on either side), and it''s just not what I would''ve picked at all. I''m afraid it won''t look good on my tiny size 3 finger, and I just don''t really like round brilliants. I especially don''t like them with the emerald cut. I''ve also never been a big fan of five-stone settings. I really wanted a halo, but I''d be okay with baguettes or even a solitaire with a delicate pave band. This setting is just all wrong for me.

I feel like such a brat thinking all of this, but I figured if anyone would understand, the PS ladies would. Just to be clear, I can''t emphasize enough how thrilled I am to marry this man (and, unlike Carrie, I have no reservations about what I will say when he asks). I feel incredibly lucky that he wants me to be his wife. However, he has said that my engagement ring is "it," i.e. he doesn''t believe in upgrades. So, do I have to pretend to love the ring? If I don''t, will it ruin the proposal for him? Do I pretend to love it at first, and then ask if we can change the setting? Do I need to just learn to love it? I am so dismayed at the idea of spending the rest of my life with a ring I don''t love. I expressed this fear to him when he excluded me from the ring-shopping process, but I guess he didn''t think much of it, and now it has happened.

Where is my Samantha when I need her? Ladies, I need your advice PLEASE.

 

[that_someone_special]

Gosh... this is hard to say. It''s just a setting though. If it were me, I would accept his proposal, and forget about the setting until you tell everyone about the engagement yada yad. Then once the hype has died down a bit, just explain to him that you would eventually like to change the setting to something daniter (dainty-er) lol and give him examples if need be. However, this might crush him!! It''s SO hard to know what to say.

 

[honey22]

Does he know that you know about the ring? That would make it easier to just be honest with him and tell him that although he has picked a gorgeous ring, it''s just not you. I know this sounds a bit harsh, but I think it''s a bit selfish of men who decided that they get to pick the ring with no imput from the woman that is actually going to wear it. I know that my partner would rather be disappointed now and change the setting, rather than finding out later. He would want the ring that was actually used in the proposal and the one that is shown to everyone in the engagement excitment to be the one I wear on my finger forever (this is exactly why I picked my own ering and he is holding onto it, and onto it, and onto it.... sorry got distracted). Back to the point - you are going to marry this man, you can tell him how you feel!! He will probably be hurt and upset initially, but when you explain how much this means to you, I am sure he will be willing to do a reset, maybe into a simple solitaire or something. I can''t imagine that he would want you to remain happy for the sake of him getting to pick the ring?!

 

[Pandora II]

I would tell him that some girl got engaged at work and you saw the ring and thought it was really horrible.

Don''t include every detail of your in case he starts thinking you''ve seen it, but enough that he might change it before the proposal - or that he will click that it''s not your thing and be more accepting if you then want to change the setting.

Why, oh why do men have this bright idea that they can pick a piece of jewellery of such huge importance with no input from the person who is going to wear it???

It''s not like some dodgy xmas gift that you can say, oh how adorable and then just not wear it much.

I would have been devastated if this had happened to me - and even more upset because it would have put a downer on the proposal, which is after all far more important.

(You may have guessed, but I had a complete surprise ringless proposal and then we designed my ring together and I have the ring of my dreams).

 

[allycat0303]

I definitely wouldn''t say anything. First of all, because you never know, it might look AMAZING. Second of all from the posts I''ve read from you, it''s really important that this be a surprise for him. I would honestly wear it, smile and if I don''t like it, start plotting my reset. You can always use the RB on the sides for an eternity band or something.

Funny enough, my sister detested her engagement ring when she got it. Thought the band was too big, that the proportions were off etc... now she loves it and thinks that nothing could suit her more. So opinons can change.

Good luck!

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

hm, maybe it''s important HOW did you managed to see the ring? have you seen it in person or on a picture? pictures always don''t do a ring justice! I read your thread earlier today and thought: emeralds mixed with rouds?!? - what was the guy thinking about!?

- But now I thought about it and in some way it could be a very unique and beautiful look!!!
sometimes I really *hate* the look of a ring in the beginning from a pic on the internet and finally I end up buying exactly that ring because I changed my mind and now I love it...

So if he doesn''t know that you have seein it, better don''t ruin his surprise for him - I think from what you said the surprise is very important to him.
well, he is not an upgrader, ok - but that doesn''t mean that you could not buy (yourself) an emerald solitaire one day and wear your original e-ring on your right hand. there''s nothing wrong with that.
and finally, it''s "just" a ring - I know it is a ring you have to wear for the rest of your life and it would have been nicer if he had involved you more in the decision - but in the end you have to love the man - and I am sure that you''ll love the ring too and everything that is symbolizes. just see it from that point of view and look forward to a beautiful proposal.

AND post pictures of your ring as soon as you get it - I am sure the ring is very unique and beautiful!

 

[iheartscience]

I''d tell him right now that you stumbled upon it and you feel oh so terrible, but you just plain don''t like it. I would tell him that you know he would rather you tell him now than to secretly hate your engagement ring. I think most reasonable men would agree with that. And I''m sorry, but an emerald cut 5 stone with round brilliant sides is a little specific to get for someone unless they specifically asked for it.

I also think it''s ridiculous and somewhat offensive that he told you you don''t get any input on the ring you''re going to wear on a daily basis and, by the way, you can never upgrade the ring. So basically, you''re going to have to wear this ring every day for the rest of your life when you had no say in it and don''t even like it. Huh? That doesn''t work for me.

And I realize that an engagement is about two people, but since you''re the one who is going to wear the ring, your wishes need to come first.

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

hm, after reading through the other posts I would say:
what you have to do depends on how much you dislike the ring. Is it just the first "shock" that it''s not what you expected (I mean he did not know that you wanted a halo - so how could he get you one...) or is it really hating-disliking without ANY chance that you''ll love it one day?
If it is really bad and disappointing, then I agree with the other ladies that you have to give im a hint in some way - maybe Pandora''s idea of the coworker/any other person who got engaged and hate the ring is really bad

You could say something like "I don''t know what I would do if that happened to me... I mean I really love solitaire halos - but what if I''ve got something I''d really dislike??? - how do you see that from a male perspective???

" (this question technique is already tried out by me

and it works quite well) - I think that is worth a try without having to confess that you''ve seen your ring!

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/9/2008 9:17:33 AM
Author: Ms.Dreamy
maybe Pandora''s idea of the coworker/any other person who got engaged and hate the ring is really bad

aaaahh, sorry it sould say "pandora''s idea is good!!!" - sorry, I''m quite confused today

 

[Lauren8211]

Although in theory it''s a good idea, men do NOT take hints well at all. They are not quite as intuitive about that sort of thing as females are. So while if you said, "So and so''s ring was AWFUL! I hope that doesnt happen to me" a female might pick up on that, but most men wouldnt. He''s probably really confident in his choice, and doesnt think that story relates to him.

I really think honesty is the best policy, unless of course you were snooping for the ring! If you genuinely found it on accident, then I think you should tell him that it''s not exactly your style. If you were snooping, then he''ll probably know, depending on where he put it.

Wouldnt you want to know if you bought something that someone was going to hate? While he may initially be bummed, you still won''t know EXACTLY what he''s getting you to replace it, but you''ll know you''re going to like it better, and when he finally does pop the question, you will be ecstatic, and he''ll be so happy that you absolutely adore your ring.

Good Luck!

 

[fieryred33143]

I wouldn''t forget about the setting and I completely understand where you are coming from. This is a ring that you are going to wear forever (at least that''s the idea). It would be better to wear one that you prefer. Of course you obviously know that the ring is just a symbol of the commitment but not the commitment itself so I don''t think you are being a brat...just picky and there''s nothing wrong with that.

Time to really pull a Carrie...tell one of your good friends about it and have them somehow get him to show them the ring and maybe convince him to go with a different setting.

Before doing this, however, I would go to a jewelry store and try it on. You are assuming it won''t look good. Rings look a lot different once worn.

Good luck hun and congratulations!!! This is soooo exciting!! And stop snooping!!! LOL

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/9/2008 9:04:24 AM
Author: thing2of2
I''d tell him right now that you stumbled upon it and you feel oh so terrible, but you just plain don''t like it. I would tell him that you know he would rather you tell him now than to secretly hate your engagement ring. I think most reasonable men would agree with that. And I''m sorry, but an emerald cut 5 stone with round brilliant sides is a little specific to get for someone unless they specifically asked for it.


I also think it''s ridiculous and somewhat offensive that he told you you don''t get any input on the ring you''re going to wear on a daily basis and, by the way, you can never upgrade the ring. So basically, you''re going to have to wear this ring every day for the rest of your life when you had no say in it and don''t even like it. Huh? That doesn''t work for me.


And I realize that an engagement is about two people, but since you''re the one who is going to wear the ring, your wishes need to come first.

DIT-TO. It brings back awful memories of my mother saying, "You like it and you''ll wear it because I KNOW BEST." Uh, no you don''t, you just THINK you do. And maybe if you weren''t a jewelry person it wouldn''t matter so much, but you ARE, and you ASKED to be involved, and he said NO??! AND no chance of you ever changing it? What, is he trying to be a psychic hero and amaze you by reading your mind and getting the ring of your dreams? Unless he''s been spying here on PS (which obviously he hasn''t!), chances would be a million to one (a guess, cut me some slack, people

) that he''d pick THE ring of your dreams. And wanting to give you something less than exactly what you want (within reason, I''m not talking a 15ct flawless masterpiece) makes me rather sad.

I''m not entirely sure how I''d handle it in your position: if I''d try hinting or if I''d just tell him straight out that you stumbled upon it and it isn''t your style, at all. I think, at this point, I''d just tell him. Yes, his feelings will be hurt, but you warned him in advance that this might happen if you weren''t involved! I''d have a hard time not saying "I told you so" in your place. Seriously, for something so major, a "surprise" just doesn''t work for me because too often I think people are "surprised" in a not-so-good way.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/9/2008 9:04:24 AM
Author: thing2of2

I also think it's ridiculous and somewhat offensive that he told you you don't get any input on the ring you're going to wear on a daily basis and, by the way, you can never upgrade the ring. So basically, you're going to have to wear this ring every day for the rest of your life when you had no say in it and don't even like it. Huh? That doesn't work for me.

That's a little harsh IMO. Some guys don't want the girl's input at all because it ruins the surprise. My male coworker is in the process of getting an engagement ring...he doesn't even know what kind of stone she prefers. He wants it to be a total surprise. I think its romantic. Let's face it...the wedding is all about the bride. Sure the groom is important but all eyes are on the bride. It's her moment to shine. The engagement ring process is really the man's moment.

In all honesty, he probably thinks that you will love this ring. It's a 5 stone. Who wouldn't? He probably figures (like most men) that the more "bling" the better. I doubt he bought it for any reason other than believing that you will love it.

I agree with others that you either be honest now or re-set later. I still think you should go to a jewelry store and try it on. I thought I was going to love solitaire's...turns out, not so much. It made my finger look like a hot mess.

ETA: I don't believe in upgrades either.

 

[kittybean]

To clarify, I saw the confirmation page he had printed on the ring in a stack of papers in his house when I was looking for a letter from my car insurance company that was also in that stack. I never expected to see that page there, but once I did, I of course looked up the exact ring online (if you give a mouse a cookie...). Although I''ve been guilty of snooping before, this time I really wasn''t since I know the proposal is so close!

I don''t know that I should say anything beforehand. I''m 99% sure the proposal is coming this weekend. He''s been SO keen on keeping it a surprise, and I don''t want to point out 1) that I know something about it, and 2) that I don''t like the ring he picked. I haven''t tried it on, so I am willing to keep an open mind, but I really think the design is mediocre and that a 5-stone RB setting does not work for my lovely, subtle EC. I think I will have to say something after the proposal since there really is no way to change it beforehand (I saw on the page that it will arrive later this week). I agree that he might be being a little selfish, but I know he has my best interests in mind and really wants to make me happy with something he bought "on his own." I think he''s a little misguided, but I know he wants to give me something big and sparkly, which I appreciate.

Any thoughts on when I should say something/what I should say after the proposal if it truly doesn''t look right? I''m slightly comforted by remembering that he once said (mysteriously) that there are "ways" of getting a ring I love. Perhaps he''ll enlighten me as to what these ways might be after the proposal...[SIGH].

 

[NewEnglandLady]

So sorry you're in this situation, Kitty. I know you're very excited about being engaged, but I'm sure it's hard figuring out what to do about the ring.

Whether you tell him before or after the engagement, I think that you should re-iterate that you love him very, very much and you can't wait to spend your life with him and THAT is what is most important. The more he feels that the ring is secondary to the engagement, I think the more open-minded he will be. Let him know that the symbol of the ring is important to you and that you do want to wear it every day and that you want to love it. You don't want to look down multiple times a day and think it's not *quite* right--that's not symbolic of your relationsihp

I'm not opposed to the man picking out the ring--if an element of surprise is important to him, then I think it's important to incorporate that. I also think it's important to incorporate the elements that the woman likes, so if you know you want an emerald cut either on a delicate pave band, a delicate halo or with baguettes, then that allows you to get what you want and allows him to choose something without you knowing what you're going to get. I'm sure htat your boyfriend wants to make you happy more than anything. I've known many couples (including my own) where the man says he wants it to be a surprise, then when it comes to BUYING it he realizes how overwhelming it is and knowing it is a large investment, he's wants to know that she will be 100% happy and includes her in the process. Really, I think a complete surprise only works for women who don't care at all.

I think you should be able to switch out the setting at the jeweller where he got the ring without any prolem at all--if he wants to choose between one of the few settings you want, then the decision can still be his and it can sitll be a surprise.

 

[sklingem]

Hey Kittybean -
I am sorry to hear that the ring is not what you expected! On a positive note, you FF was smart enough to ask you about your preferred stone shape, so the real problem seems to be the setting. Some men (including myself) prefer trying to find out what their GF likes and dislikes but do not want to get them directly involved. While some believe that this is totally unacceptable, it certainly has worked out for other couples (we never talk about those cases, do we??

). Design is tricky though and you should be happy with what you have. Telling him before or after the proposal? That is a tough one. I would agree though with the idea of telling him that you accidentally found it and that you are just not going to be happy with it. Then you can give him a much better idea and he can change it accordingly without telling you exactly what it is. In my case, I would not be offended if my GF asked me to change the ring; this is something that I was willing to take a chance on by not getting her directly involved. Good luck!

 

[LDubs]

Tough situation here! But I think you definitely have to bring it up to him at some point, before or after proposal. I know girls who haven''t been *in love* with their rings, and it just seems to cause trouble further down the road. For ex: my best friend just keeps stacking her engagement ring with more bands trying to get it to look like something - and I know her husband is just embarrassed at this point - she''s made it clear to everyone that it''s not to her ''standards''. (b*tchy. totally.)

Funny enough, on a FAR lesser scale - it reminds me of my birthday present from my BF. He was so proud of himself, and wouldn''t give me any hints whatsoever (I got all excited - jewelry!!!) - and it turns out it was an ice-cream maker! Like, super old fashioned, add ice, crank the handle yourself, wooden bucket. Now, I like ice cream - but I''ve never once ever mentioned that I had a desire to hand-make my own. He tried so hard to think of something special though - I should''ve earned an Oscar on that acting Now, I drop MAJOR hints as to what I like

Sorry I''m not more help - but good luck! Again, I''d make sure you tell him one way or the other...

 

[absolut_blonde]

That is tough. Not sure I have any useful advice to offer, but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Quite honestly, I'm far from superficial and I knew next to nothing about diamonds pre-PS (heck, I still don't know much compared to most people on here). But having a ring that I really disliked would be disappointing.

Say what you will about a surprise being romantic, but I think it's risky for a guy to buy the ring completely blind to the woman's preferences. Particularly considering that a) it's an expensive investment (usually) b) it's something you'll wear daily and c) it creates the potential for a VERY awkward situation-- placing the woman in a difficult spot and running the risk of really hurting the man's feelings.

Of course, it probably does work for some people. And so do many other things that wouldn't work for me! Personally, I just think the compromise if showing him some pics to get ideas is a good middle-ground as far as getting what you like and it still being a surprise. It's like haircuts -- often the hairstylist and you envision totally different things when you're simply describing what you want which is why I find pics are a good point of reference.

In your case, it sounds like maybe a bit of miscommunication as to what you were picturing vs what he was picturing -- and like you said, trying to get a lot of bling. Which is sweet, really. Maybe like others have suggested, it will grow on you? I suppose I'd wait til he proposed and 'give the ring a chance'. But if not, would there be any way to re-use the RB from the setting in something else while putting the EC in a more delicate setting? Earrings, a pendant, or RHR?

 

[Bia]

I would be honest with him, BUT, I would wait until after he proposed, simply because I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise factor for him. After a few days, once the excitement has worn off a bit, approach him honestly and openly, and tell him that while you loved the wonderful proposal and you think the ring is gorgeous, the setting is just not you--that you hoped for the EXACT center stone but with a dainty-er setting(?). Would it be possible to change it to something more to your taste??? Add that you love him soooo much. LOL

My guy appreciates when I don't beat around the bush--he does not appreciate when I expect him to know what's going on in my head. So, if your FF is the same, be honest with him. I am sure he wants you to have the ring of your dreams. I wouldn't pretend to love it if I didn't because it is something very important to me and something I hope to wear forever. PLUS its too much money wasted if you don't love it. IMO anyway.

Good luck...I'm crossing my fingers for you.

 

[galeteia]

I say you need to do something now before he deals with the embarrassment of proposing with a ring you'll hate.

If he's been so absolute about this being THE ring and you never get to change it, then I'm sorry but he's forfeited his 'right' to block you from the process.

I am very disturbed by this sentiment in men who insist on being in total control of the ring SHE has to wear her whole life. A woman should be the one to choose what she wears on her body and a man does not have the 'right' to insist that she wear certain clothes, jewellery, or peed-on shoes.

If my guy wanted me to wear something in particular, he would ASK if I would wear something like that, not just buy it for me and insist I wear it happily it or I'm somehow being a bad gf.

If you are uncomfortable being direct, then find a ring online with the combo of square/EC and rounds on the band, show it to him, and make up a coworker who got an ER like this and how totally hideous you think the combo of square cut + rounds is, and how if you were her, you too would be embarrassed to show a ring in such poor taste to the world at large. Tell him that the coworker doesn't like the ring for that reason and it ruined her proposal.

If you like plain bands, talk about how ugly it is to have all that blingy crap on the band that takes away from the centre diamond. (Disclaimer: I am not espousing my own opinions about design or blinginess of the band, etc, just coming up with comments you could make to deter him)

That might be melodramatic and over the top, but if you man doesn't take hints, it may take a brick.

If I were a man, I would want my wife to be happy, and each day look at the symbol of our commitment with joy, not regret and disappointment.

 

[KCCutie]

Maybe I missed something but how did you find this out? Did you come across the actual ring? If not are you SURE that''s what he got and someone''s not playing a trick on you? I''m a big fan of EC myself but I''ve never even seen a 5 stone with and EC and RBs. However after a quick search I saw one at James Allen and it''s not as bad as I thought it would be when I pictured what you described.

Here it is:
EC with RBs
You have to go back to the search page and choose view ring with Emerald Diamonds to see what it may really look like.

However I agree if it''s just not you you need to come clean. If he is totally against any change or upgrade you need to do it before he proposes. I''d just be honest and tell him how you know what it looks like, and apologize profusely for accidentally ruining the surprise but tell him how you feel and see if finding a new setting is an option. He may be hurt but he''ll be even more hurt if you don''t look down at that ring and just beam every time you see it. I''m sure he wants you to tally love it and if you''re sure you won''t then say something...nicely.

 

[purrfectpear]

While I side with the women who want input in theory, in reality this is a G-I-F-T. I think we lose sight of that fact too often. There is nothing wrong with requesting input and explaining why you want it (wearing forever, most important symbol, etc.). However, there is a difference between a request and a demanding input as a right. Ladies, it''s a gift from the man. He really DOES get to pick it out. Now smart men involve their future FI because that makes sure you get it right, but that doesn''t mean that the man who does it on his own is some sort of unfeeling, selfish, cad.

In this case there was snooping. It started out innocently, but it became SNOOPING when you took the model number and looked it up. Let''s just own that right now, OK?

Because you snooped, I would keep my sweet little mouth shut. You will hurt him enough when you tell him you reject his taste, don''t add to it by admitting you are a snoop.

When he proposes I would enjoy the magic of the moment. You can honestly say "it''s the most beautiful EC I''ve ever seen". That is honest and will probably make him happy. A few days later, or earlier if he specifically asks about the ring itself, you can be gently honest that while you think the stone he picked out is a perfect symbol of your union, you have reservations about the setting itself. Keep stressing you love the stone so it doesn''t come off as all negative. I would not resort to any subterfuge with other friends, or stories about other friends rings. Just be upfront and honest.

Good luck

Maybe you really WILL be carried away with the magic and remember he choose it with love and care in his heart.

 

[FrekeChild]

Is it possible for you to print out pics of rings that you LOVE and leave them lying around somewhere that he''ll find them before the proposal? You could even leave little hand written comments like "LOVE this one" or something like that...so when he proposes he''ll have a slight warning that he may not have picked a winner, and be more open to changing it.

I too think it''s a bit on the selfish side to pick out a ring for the woman you love and tell her thats it, no changes, no upgrades, no nothing. I used to be the romantic type who said, "If he knows me well enough to ask me to marry him, he should know my taste well enough to pick out a ring that I''d love." Having said that I also said that if he picked out a ring that I didn''t love, I probably wouldn''t say yes, because if he didn''t know me well enough to pick out a decent ring (and I should emphasize here that I didn''t used to be picky!) than perhaps I shouldn''t marry him.

Anyway, I totally backed away from wanting to be surprised and now I have a piece of paper (on BF''s nightstand) that details what I want. He asked for it, so it wasn''t me saying, "You HAVE to get me this ring". Plus, he still gets the say in any little details, I just picked a style (solitaire), a stone (blue topaz), the band width (2mm) and a metal (white gold band w/ plat head). So that leaves him plenty of room to play.

I have to say, I can''t picture this in my head. Do you have a link or pics?

 

[sklingem]

Thanks Purrfectpear for a post that is right on!

 

[sklingem]

BTW - I did not get the idea that FF would be opposed to changes to the ring itself - just to upgrades in terms of stones etc. I am sure that there are many different views out there, but personally I would also not be a big fan of upgrades. Of course there are cases where getting a bigger stone is/was simply not possible AT THE TIME, but with that being said, I always cringe at the idea of eternal upgrades, especially if the stone was fairly big (whatever that means) in the first place. Not sure what I would say if my Fiancee/wife told me that a 1.5 ct (for example) was not "big enough any more". Quite insulting I think.
But that is not the topic here ... hopefully Kittybean can sort it out. But snooping is a big no-no ... no brownie points here.

 

[gwendolyn]

I think this is where my point of view tends to skew my thinking in relation to everyone else--I don''t think of an engagement ring as a gift--or, more accurately, I don''t think of MY OWN engagement ring as a gift. It''s *our* money, it''s *our* ring--we pick it out together, we pay for it together. So, I guess J and I are out of the norm, but I always think of it as a joint purchase, not as a gift.

 

[sklingem]

"I don''t think of MY OWN engagement ring as a gift. It''s *our* money, it''s *our* ring--we pick it out together, we pay for it together. So, I guess J and I are out of the norm, but I always think of it as a joint purchase, not as a gift"

Well, if you have joint accounts and pool your incomes - I would also want to be involved in the process in that case. Interesting thought experiment though - how do financial arrangements influence the way in which men and women think about the e-ring purchasing/selection process? Another Master''s thesis!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/9/2008 1:25:48 PM
Author: rob09
'I don't think of MY OWN engagement ring as a gift. It's *our* money, it's *our* ring--we pick it out together, we pay for it together. So, I guess J and I are out of the norm, but I always think of it as a joint purchase, not as a gift'


Well, if you have joint accounts and pool your incomes - I would also want to be involved in the process in that case. Interesting thought experiment though - how do financial arrangements influence the way in which men and women think about the e-ring purchasing/selection process? Another Master's thesis!!

We don't have joint accounts. We are simply both going to contribute to the purchase of the ring, in the same way we'll both contribute to rent or the cable bill or what have you. And no thanks, one master's thesis is plenty for me!

ETA: Had to pop in to fix a typo, but I wanted to say that it's a conscious decision on our part to both contribute to the cost of the ring. That works for us, and it may not work for everyone else. But I've always got how J and I are going things in the back of my head when I reply to threads like this, and I don't always remember to explain my line of thinking. I don't think something so big purchase-wise should be done by just one half of the team, y'know? I would want him to surprise me with a car, or a house, and this is something I'll wear for the rest of my life. I really like that it's us saving up together to get it.

 

[Pandora II]

I''ve been thinking about this.

First, IMHO an e-ring is NOT a gift in the same sense as other gifts. It''s the seal on a commitment between two people and both of those people should have a say.

Yes the man gets to do the proposal and the bride the wedding (although I disagree on that). Most men wouldn''t want a complete surprise on date/venue/guests etc for the wedding either. Hey guess what hon, it''s next weekend and here''s the suit I bought you. Oh, and what do you mean you don''t like the Tom Cruise inspired wedding band I bought you???

I''ve had another idea:

I think you should buy him an engagement gift - but buy it wrong - ie the wrong make/size of TV/camera/whatever, but something he''s picky about. Then when he wants to change it... ta dah

My FI is already talking about upgrading his engagement camera ... oh the guilt trip

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 6/9/2008 1:20:11 PM
Author: gwendolyn
I think this is where my point of view tends to skew my thinking in relation to everyone else--I don''t think of an engagement ring as a gift--or, more accurately, I don''t think of MY OWN engagement ring as a gift. It''s *our* money, it''s *our* ring--we pick it out together, we pay for it together. So, I guess J and I are out of the norm, but I always think of it as a joint purchase, not as a gift.

I agree with this--for better or worse, the e-ring has become more of a "decision" than a "gift" because it affect your finances as a couple, even if he''s footing the billl. Most couples figure out their priorities first...whether it''s a house, the wedding or in reference to the title of this thread, "a really big closet" before making any decisoin about the ring. I completey understand that it''s still a gift, it''s just rarely a surprise these days.