I notice there ''re only 3 main reasons for any divorce.......

[Dancing Fire]

money problems (debt),he or she is having an affair,if the wife makes more money than the husband.

 

[perry]

I think you are only listing the surface reasons.

It is deeper than that.

In the vast majority of cases I think it is about a lack of respect and caring for the other partner. We all make mistakes, and mistakes can be forgiven when there is a basic respect and caring for the other partner.

With such respect and caring money problems can be dealt with, affairs are not much of an issue, and it doesn''t matter who makes the money in the house.

In a small % of cases other reasons appear that are unique to the situation those people are in.

 

[diamondlil]

I agree with you, Perry. In addition to respect and caring, commitment and compromise are essential.

DiamondLil

 

[yellowfan]

I think it boils down to how your treated. Sometimes the marriage just isn''t working out.



lori/yellowfan

 

[chrono]

Well, I made much more money than hubby for nearly 10 years and we are still married.

There''s more to the 3 reasons you stated. There are many dynamics affecting the marriage; respect, consideration, shared values, etc.

 

[Rowan]

We argue about money, sex, child-rearing. But I think it''s all in how you treat each other and whether you can pick your battles, compromise on some things, and agree to disagree on others. It''s all very individual.

 

[ame]

Cheating is about the only factor that will cause me to get out besides excessive lying or violence. Generally most other problems can be worked out but I have noticed more and more that my generation is stubborn and both sides refuse to compromise.

I will never make more money than the man.

 

[theinquisitor]

I''d say deal breakers for me would be addiction (with no attempt to get treatment) and abuse (of me or children). Actually, the two go together often. Other than that, I would think there would at least be a possibility of working things out, as long as both parties have not only their own welfare at heart, but also each other''s.

 

[websailor]

When the trust is gone, the marriage is usually doomed too.

 

[IrishEyes]

My parents ( who have been divorced for 11 years) told me this: sometimes two people love each other very much, but they just can''t live together or work it out.

I think that is very true. My parents still love each other, but they were as different as night and day, wanted two totally different things in life, and in the end, couldn''t work it out. and I respect that. I''m glad they got divorced ( I was 14 at the time) because they were driving my brother and I INSANE!!!

My husband says he doesn''t "believe in divorce" and unless I cheated on him, wouldn''t "give" me one. Not that I will cheat, and not that I want a divorce ( who starts out wanting that???), but I get a little angry that he thinks its all in *his* power.

 

[mightyred]

Communication for me is key.

Learning how to get your point across without hurting the other person. I try to remember it''s not always about being right ...... getting your point across respectfully, being heard and hearing the other side.

Now if ony I could relate this to when our teams play each other (him:Yankees, me:Red Sox) and life would be perfect!

 

[websailor]

IrishEyes,

You almost could have been talking about my parents! When they first met, they were a great couple together. But twenty five years later, they were going in different directions in life and couldn''t work out the differences. It was good for the whole family when they finally got divorced.


As for your husband - he has a lot to learn! Here in CA, once one partner wants out, there is nothing the other partner can do about it. (Ok, other than begging, pleading, going to counceling, etc, but once the one person decides they are out, it''s a lost cause legally).

 

[cflutist]

Date: 2/8/2005 11:28:30 AM
Author: mightyred
Communication for me is key.

Learning how to get your point across without hurting the other person. I try to remember it''s not always about being right ...... getting your point across respectfully, being heard and hearing the other side.

Good advice for some posters on PS too. Some of these threads can get pretty heated at times.

 

[IrishEyes]

Websailor: so how did they become different? My dad was/is a type-A personality, aggressive, temperamental, political, etc etc. My mom was/is a "freespirit", loving, emotional, a dreamer, party-girl, etc. I''m now like a bipolar version of the both of them!!!! I''m very much like both of them, which leads to quite alot of confusion on my part, I''m I can''t decide on anything to save my life!!!

So they made it 25 years before the divorce?? That''s pretty impressive.....

 

[websailor]

Date: 2/8/2005 11:36:38 AM
Author: IrishEyes
Websailor: so how did they become different? My dad was/is a type-A personality, aggressive, temperamental, political, etc etc. My mom was/is a ''freespirit'', loving, emotional, a dreamer, party-girl, etc. I''m now like a bipolar version of the both of them!!!! I''m very much like both of them, which leads to quite alot of confusion on my part, I''m I can''t decide on anything to save my life!!!

So they made it 25 years before the divorce?? That''s pretty impressive.....

Well they met pre-WW II, so long term marriages were the norm back then. And family life was quite different (see some of the 1950''s film, think of the Beavers) which ended up being the issue they couldn''t resolve. Both my parents were very smart and hard working. Starting from just High School education, they advanced in their careers - having six kids along the way. My Mom was quite independent, and they both had a good sense of interior self worth and were willing to speak their minds.

As the kids got older, and they had risen to high ranks in their professions, this started getting in the way. Their goals were no longer just getting enough food on the table for the kids. My Dad still thought he was the ruler of the household and his word was law.....this was getting to the 70''s and it didn''t work too well anymore for my Mom. Plus by that time, some of the liesure activities they enjoyed were different....

In the end they just couldn''t reconcile the concept that they each could have a career and each could be an independent person, without one "ruler". Instead they kept butting heads with each other until they finally realized it just wasn''t working.

One thing I learned from all this is that people do change over time - you do have to to be flexible. I can say for sure that I am not the same person I was when I was twenty (hopefully I''m much wiser now!).

Communication is the major key to me in a good marriage - if you can talk things out, you both will do well. You do have to respect each other, and have integrity, etc.

 

[Patty]

I like Tolstoy''s line,

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in it''s own way."

 

[IrishEyes]

That''s quite a story websailor! So is either of them remarried now? My dad has been remarried for some time now, my mom still single.....

 

[websailor]

Date: 2/8/2005 12

8

4 PM
Author: IrishEyes
That''s quite a story websailor! So is either of them remarried now? My dad has been remarried for some time now, my mom still single.....

They both remarried - each of them is now much happier. Their second marriages are both long term - 20+ years each. I think they both learned from the experience....

 

[IrishEyes]

The only thing I don''t like about my parent''s divorce is the amount of family I now have to "work in" for the holidays!! There''s my dad''s side, my mom''s side, my stepmom''s side, her stepfamily, and my in-laws!!!! Geez. But as some say, it''s more people that love you!

 

[onedrop]

I think the three issues that DancingFire listed are workable and don''t have to be reasons for divorce. I believe that the divorce happens when you can''t come to an agreement or resolution on those three issues or any other ones that arise during the course of a marriage. For me the deal breaker is abuse (physical, emotional, substance, etc.).

 

[onedrop]

Date: 2/8/2005 4:47:46 PM
Author: Feydakin
Now there is a problem I can identify with.. Parents divorced and remarried.. Grandparents divorced and remarried after 40+ years together, my other grandparents divorced when my dad was 15 (and that was real rare back then) and my wife and I are the first married couple on my side that has managed to not get a divorce except for one uncle with no kids and lives half a state away from everyone else.. hmmmmmmmmm...

I had to laugh when I read your post. My parents have been married almost 40 years and I attribute it to the fact that my Mom insisted on not leaving ANYWHERE near the in-laws. Both my parents come from huge famillies - my mom is number 9 of 11 kids and the ONLY girl, so you can imagine how that was growing up. To this day her brothers try to run her life. Dad is from a big family where most of them still live in the SAME town. So I certainly understand their need to not be around family all the time. As for the kids, I guess they weathered that storm.

 

[Diamonds4Me]

And maybe the age at the time that they are married might have a little to do with it. My ex was actually a year younger than me and we dated right through my JR and SR years of high school (he was the only guy I ever dated) and we were at each other's throats by the time it was over with. The sound of his voice was like fingernails down a chalkboard...awful of me, I
know.

I was so young and he was so young and we were both doing "young" things. We wanted to get married but we just didn't know enough about life and the responsibilities that came along with 'life'. It got really ugly......

I think that I was in love more with the idea of being in love. But I've done a loooooooot of growing up in the past 10-11 yrs and I'm glad I did the things I did, albeit, some were not so good, but I learned from them and I have no desire at all to "see the world!"..well, I'm sure you know what I mean by that I would like to see the world but not in the way that's meant. H2b and I are content with being at home with each other even if we aren't always in the same room at the same time..which happens often with my work. The best part is that not only do we love each other but we LIKE each other too. His mom told me once...It's very important to LIKE the other person because love often follows..and you can love someone very much but if you don't like them it's likely it won't last. You can't learn to like someone...and IMO I think she's right. You either like them or you don't.

I'm so glad I like him..and do I love him to pieces! We've been together 6 years now and we spend a huge deal of our time together but when he isn't here..like the business trip he took this past weekend..I am beside myself. My best friend wasn't here.

But he's back now!

YAY!

 

[Nicrez]

I think honesty is one of the biggest issues. Being honest with YOURSELF is the one that most people don''t see as the problem, but usually ends up being the silent killer.

Two friends of mine have been married and divorced withint 2 years or less of their weddings and it was because they were not honest with THEMSELVES about what they wanted from the other person, what made them happy and what was needed to make the relationship work.

"He''ll change" or "I could learn to love him" are two of the silliest comments ever uttered, and yet I have heard almost every female say that at least once... Be honest with who you are, and what you want and it makes it easier for the other person to love you for you, and vice versa.

Being honest about your relationship, like if there are problems, address them and don''t pretend they are not there. If you can do those things, and still be honest with each other, you can keep your love and respect intact, and you''ve already got a better shot of remaining together...

 

[Dancing Fire]

what i notice lately is more and more chinese couples are getting divorce,15-20 yrs ago it was very rare but, for americans it''s always been common.i know couple of my chinese friends get a divorce after all the kids are grown up and out of the house,i thought thats when you needed each other the most.

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 2/8/2005 8:29:52 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
what i notice lately is more and more chinese couples are getting divorce,15-20 yrs ago it was very rare but, for americans it''s always been common.i know couple of my chinese friends get a divorce after all the kids are grown up and out of the house,i thought thats when you needed each other the most.

Many Asian couples stay together for the sake of their kids. Once the kids are all grown up, there''s no point to pretend anymore. However, what they fail to realize is that by staying miserably together, they''re actually making it a worse environment for their children.

My parents fought for years before my mother finally kicked my father out of the house. My grandparents were horrified, but we kids were much, much happier!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 2/8/2005 8:36:52 PM
Author: ForteKitty

Date: 2/8/2005 8:29:52 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
what i notice lately is more and more chinese couples are getting divorce,15-20 yrs ago it was very rare but, for americans it''s always been common.i know couple of my chinese friends get a divorce after all the kids are grown up and out of the house,i thought thats when you needed each other the most.

Many Asian couples stay together for the sake of their kids. Once the kids are all grown up, there''s no point to pretend anymore. However, what they fail to realize is that by staying miserably together, they''re actually making it a worse environment for their children.

My parents fought for years before my mother finally kicked my father out of the house. My grandparents were horrified, but we kids were much, much happier!

i guess you''re right....stay together for the sake of their kids.

 

[mcleary]

My husband and I are getting separated, and it''s true that I make more than he does, but it hasn''t always been that way. Just 3 years ago we made roughly the same amount. We both made career moves, and I make about double what I used to, and he makes less than half of what he used to. I don''t respect what he does anymore, he''s always filthy, and he has no benefits.

The chief reason we''re separating is that he lied to me about going to school. He said he was going to school and left for school, but he wasn''t even registered for school. He lied throughout our decision to have a baby, and I found out a month before the baby was born. We made major decisions, like buying things, and having children based on what our plans were, and he was planning otherwise without telling me.

So the reasons are mostly trust, and respect.

 

[NyssaLynne]

I think saying "3 main reasons" over-simplifies the whole thing a bit too much. I do agree though, that usually at least 1 of those 3 factors comes into play at some point in the end of a marriage...but doesn''t necessarily CAUSE the divorce.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Yep...if she's the one that brings home the "BACON" look out !!!....or till " DEBT" do us apart.

 

[jenibear]

Citing blanket reasons for divorce trivializes relationships.
I agree with Nicrez. Too many people I know don't know who they are - and most importantly don't like who they are. Most women I know (including my dearest friends) are looking for a man to either make them feel good or give them something.
I don't get it. I've always had a strong sense of self and I know what I want and what I don't want.
A lot of people fear being alone so they commit to someone who will have them rather than commit to the person they are compatible with.
I love myself and I could live without my husband just fine. I don't need him for anything. And that's why having him is so special, beecause I want him because he is my best friend and I love him. I chose him and he chose me. How amazing is that?
Many people believe a magic switch clicks over when you marry that means you have to change.
The most annoying question for me was "how's married life?"
Is it supposed to be so different? We are the same people. We are equally as committed. We are now just legally considered relatives.
We work hard to always talk, to always listen, to try and understand and not to judge. And to remember it will at times be hard.
We are two different people and we have different needs, dreams, desires.
To me the best marriages are those that exist between two individuals who choose to live their lives together - not two people becoming one.
That's what my parents and my husband's parents have done and 30 years later they are still going strong.
We hope to be so lucky and determined.