I need to vent

[amc80]

Ugh. So a really good friend of mine may not be going to my wedding. I think friend is an understatement, she's more like a sister or a cousin. Our families were friends before we were born. We are the same age and have grown up together. Her family is my second family. We lived together for about three years after college. I was in her wedding. I've spent Christmas, Easter, graduations, etc. with her and her family. You get the idea. I also know her husband pretty well, since it randomly turned out that his mom and my mom used to be neighbors growing up.

Well. When I got engaged she was the first person I called. I told her we were planning on a destination/cruise wedding and she was really excited. Said they would be there for sure. Some time passed and I asked her if she was going to book. She said she wasn't sure if she could go because she and her husband had just booked a three week vacation in Europe for the summer and it would eat up their vacation time (money is absolutely not an issue for these two). But she assured me they would still try to figure something out. Well, I just emailed her asking about her trip and she said they ended up canceling it at the last minute because of her husband's job (he works for the family company and they were right in the middle of buying another company or something like that). I told her how sorry I was that her trip was canceled...I mean really, that would suck to have three weeks in Europe ripped out from you a week before you were to go. But I told her I hoped this would mean she would now have the time to attend my wedding (and hopefully the cruise). I also mentioned in this email that I found a dress, and sent her a picture. She quickly replied about the dress with no mention of the wedding. We emailed back and forth a few times and she never mentioned it. I finally sent an email telling her that it would mean the world to me if she were there, and that I never imagined getting married without her being there. Annnnnnd no response.

I know the risk you take with a destination wedding is that some people can't go. Usually it comes down to time and money. Well, I know money isn't a problem, and it seems the time part is no longer an issue either. If it were reversed, I would have emailed her immediately saying "the bad news is my trip got canceled, but the good news is I can now go to your wedding." My gut feeling is she won't come and it really REALLY bothers me. Ugh.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, I just needed to vent. The end.

 

[blacksand]

Maybe she's still trying to work out a way to go? If she hasn't answered you yet, don't waste too much time being upset about something that may or may not happen. I'm sorry it doesn't seem like she'll be there. It sounds like you are like sisters, and it would definitely be sad not to be able to share your wedding day with you. Unfortunately, as you said, it's one of the risks you take with a destination wedding. It's a lot to ask of your guests, whether they have the money/ vacation time or not. I hope your friend will be able to make it, but I also hope you won't sacrifice what sounds like a really wonderful friendship if she doesn't. She may have other reasons for not being able to go that she isn't able to share with you now. Who knows? I would assume good will. Tell her you hope she can make it, but don't make her feel guilty if she can't. Assume she has her reasons, and remember what a good friend she has been to you every other day of your life.

I hope things will work out for you both, either way.

 

[KittyGolightly]

Ditto to everything Blacksand said. Most likely, she doesn't want to give you an answer until she's absolutely sure what's going on with her schedule. Hopefully she'll be able to make it.

 

[nkarma]

Sorry you are going through this. I agree with everything said above. You are right about it coming down to time and money. The problem is even when people have loads of both, it is their choice to spend it on what they want. I am sure they want to come to your wedding, it may just be the cost-benefit of going somewhere far plus what their time priorities are. I get very very picky about where my vacation time goes and someone would have to be family or my best friend to get me to travel to someplace I didn't already want to go (not that the cruise you are doing is). So just try to understand that if she can't make it. I had a very good friend miss my wedding because of money which she also had plenty of, but I understood because everyone had different financial priorities and who I am to tell someone how to spend their money.

 

[amc80]

Thanks everyone. I know, I get it...that's the price you pay for having a destination wedding. The logical/rational side of me knows it. The emotional/BRIDE side of me is mad. Well, hurt is a better word. I know I just need to get over it and move on, but it's hard. I never ever thought I would be getting married without her there. I have other friends who I'm not at close with who don't have the time and/or money to go on the cruise, but they are flying out for a few days to be at the wedding. So the bride in me says "if they can do it, so can she." But I know, it's her time and her money, and she (and anyone else) can choose to spend both how they would like. It's sort of a hit to the stomach/ego, that I'm not important enough to her for her to come.

 

[MissStepcut]

Rather than taking her unresponsiveness as a sign of not caring (if you are), try to think of it as a sign of conflicted feelings and guilt. I am often guilty of not responding to a stressful situation until I either have good news or can't avoid delivering bad news. It's not a great tactic, but there it is. Also, you say her European trip got cancelled due to time-consuming issues at work. It's possible that 1) she isn't sure now when those issues will be resolved and 2) she's feeling insecure about their financial future. Those are two things that could stand in the way of making plans.

 

[TooPatient]

Could she be pregnant but not far enough along to be comfortable announcing it yet? She may not be able to do a cruise (or even commit to a wedding ceremony) at the time of your wedding.

Don't let it bug you too much yet. She might have other stuff going on that you don't know the details of. Or, as was mentioned already, maybe she's trying to see how the business stuff is going a little closer to the day so that she can respond with an accurate yes/no.

 

[amc80]

Could she be pregnant but not far enough along to be comfortable announcing it yet? She may not be able to do a cruise (or even commit to a wedding ceremony) at the time of your wedding.

Don't let it bug you too much yet. She might have other stuff going on that you don't know the details of. Or, as was mentioned already, maybe she's trying to see how the business stuff is going a little closer to the day so that she can respond with an accurate yes/no.

I know, it could be a number of things. I just wish she'd tell me. Even a "hey we have a lot going on so we can't commit, but want you to know we want to be there" type of thing.

I need to not let it bother me. I'm going to start a cheerier post in a few minutes about wedding music to get my mind off of this stuff

 

[Ladybug1]

I agree with the others and would assume goodwill but I can see how you would be hurt...I would be hurt and would feel dismissed but those would be my feelings and not necessarily the facts. It sounds like you two are close and maybe rather than assuming anything could you just call her and say something like," I am feeling like you are struggling to commit to my wedding and I am wondering why" and maybe tell her you understand a destination wedding is complicated and if she can't make it you understand. if she can't make it maybe you guys can plan something else special to celebrate your getting married since you two are so close??

 

[Ladybug1]

Oh and real quick you mentioned you do have several people who are making it a priority to be there, maybe you could try to focus on that rather than why she is not committing...easier said then done, especially if she is like family though. Hoping you get this all cleared up and whether or not she can make it you go on your destination wedding knowing that all is as it should be for both of you.

 

[amc80]

Oh and real quick you mentioned you do have several people who are making it a priority to be there, maybe you could try to focus on that rather than why she is not committing...easier said then done, especially if she is like family though. Hoping you get this all cleared up and whether or not she can make it you go on your destination wedding knowing that all is as it should be for both of you.

That's great advice, thanks. I need to remember that a lot of people are going to be there. And as much as it sucks that she might not be there, life goes on. I just wish she would be upfront. Oh well.

 

[nkarma]

I had another idea. Since she is like family, have you thought about offering to pay for all or a portion of her trip? I did that for family members for DW. That way she will be there and it is probably worth it to you since you want her there so much.

 

[marymm]

We cannot dictate how we feel, that's for sure, and weddings in particular are frought with emotion.

It is funny, though, one brother and two sisters did not make it to my wedding, and I understood and did not take it personally -- and out of five sibling weddings, I only missed one, and carefully and repeatedly explained to my sib what my reasons were and that sib to this day resents I didn't go -- our relationship still has not recovered, and you know what? Because of her attitude, I actually find I care for her less. If I could have attended, I would have... I still don't know why she took it as a personal affront.

Anyway, my real point is, you don't know what is really going on for your friend -- except that she and her husband did have to cancel a planned trip because of work commitments. There may be money problems - even people who are comfortably set financially can overextend themselves - there still may be work commitments - she may not wish to attend a destination wedding without her spouse if he cannot leave work. It sounds like she is a longtime friend who is responsive with you about other wedding details, so clearly she is trying to maintain the close relationship and to support you in your happy time. She may not have told you yet she cannot attend because she is still trying to make it work, or because she does not want to upset you and have you fixated on a negative instead of the joy of your wedding, and she may be very upset herself she cannot attend.

It is hard to say what is going on, and I understand you want to know -- but really, your wedding is happening regardless which guests attend (and don't forget, it is a given that a number of "Yes" RSVPers will also not show up). My best advice is, if you love your friend and your friendship history is basically one of generous give-and-take between you two, please don't make assumptions that it is a easy thing for her to come or not come, and whether she comes or not is no reflection on you or how much she cares for you but instead on her own life and her and her husband's relationship and work/money/life commitments. I hope this all becomes moot when you receive her RSVP but if not, if you trust and love your friend, accept the disappointment of her not coming gracefully, and with the knowledge that she too is fully cognizant that she must miss you on one of the happiest days of your life. Sometimes life isn't fair or easy.

 

[Amys Bling]

Sorry you are going through this. I agree with everything said above. You are right about it coming down to time and money. The problem is even when people have loads of both, it is their choice to spend it on what they want. I am sure they want to come to your wedding, it may just be the cost-benefit of going somewhere far plus what their time priorities are. I get very very picky about where my vacation time goes and someone would have to be family or my best friend to get me to travel to someplace I didn't already want to go (not that the cruise you are doing is). So just try to understand that if she can't make it. I had a very good friend miss my wedding because of money which she also had plenty of, but I understood because everyone had different financial priorities and who I am to tell someone how to spend their money.

Totally agree with this!!! My husband and I would spend the time and money to attend a friends wedding no matter the destination. As you go through your bridal shower, bachelorette party, and wedding you definitely come to realize that not all your friends really care as much as you hope about spending the time and money on you, they have their own plans for their time and money and unfortunately it's not always what you hoped. I had somefriends not want to spend the money to attend my bachelorette party- so ican imagine how it must be planning a destination wedding! I would push it from your mind until she answers you....

 

[RamboCat]

Im sorry to hear how your feeling about your good friend possibly not attending. I agree with the other posts and advice regarding not jumping to anything yet!!!

However, like someone mentioned, you really dont know their money situation or availability. My family does this to me alot, 'well why dont you do x, y, or z...I know you can afford it.' Just because someone alludes to the idea they are doing well financially doesnt mean they want or are willing to spend it on something you deem as appropriate. Maybe they only had money saved for a vacation and then put the rest in investments, maybe its a tough time? I guess my point is, you never really know.

In the end if she chooses NOT to attend and tells you directly, really not about money or time...I would be extremely hurt too. Then you know shes not as good of a friend as you thought. (hopefully not the case)

My partner and I have talked about a destination wedding many times and we have both said we have to be okay with it just being US. We cant expect anyone to come when its $$$ and far away. It really is about you two though, and dont lose sight of that!!!

 

[amc80]

Im sorry to hear how your feeling about your good friend possibly not attending. I agree with the other posts and advice regarding not jumping to anything yet!!!

However, like someone mentioned, you really dont know their money situation or availability. My family does this to me alot, 'well why dont you do x, y, or z...I know you can afford it.' Just because someone alludes to the idea they are doing well financially doesnt mean they want or are willing to spend it on something you deem as appropriate. Maybe they only had money saved for a vacation and then put the rest in investments, maybe its a tough time? I guess my point is, you never really know.

In the end if she chooses NOT to attend and tells you directly, really not about money or time...I would be extremely hurt too. Then you know shes not as good of a friend as you thought. (hopefully not the case)

My partner and I have talked about a destination wedding many times and we have both said we have to be okay with it just being US. We cant expect anyone to come when its $$$ and far away. It really is about you two though, and dont lose sight of that!!!

Thanks. A bit of an update- My friend's mom happened to be in town so called me to see about meeting up. We couldn't make it work but she did ask me about the wedding. She said she and my friend would be there (not the cruise, just the wedding itself). Of course I was really happy to hear this. But I still haven't heard anything from my friend herself! Weird. But, at least she's coming.

 

[RamboCat]

Im sorry to hear how your feeling about your good friend possibly not attending. I agree with the other posts and advice regarding not jumping to anything yet!!!

However, like someone mentioned, you really dont know their money situation or availability. My family does this to me alot, 'well why dont you do x, y, or z...I know you can afford it.' Just because someone alludes to the idea they are doing well financially doesnt mean they want or are willing to spend it on something you deem as appropriate. Maybe they only had money saved for a vacation and then put the rest in investments, maybe its a tough time? I guess my point is, you never really know.

In the end if she chooses NOT to attend and tells you directly, really not about money or time...I would be extremely hurt too. Then you know shes not as good of a friend as you thought. (hopefully not the case)

My partner and I have talked about a destination wedding many times and we have both said we have to be okay with it just being US. We cant expect anyone to come when its $$$ and far away. It really is about you two though, and dont lose sight of that!!!

Thanks. A bit of an update- My friend's mom happened to be in town so called me to see about meeting up. We couldn't make it work but she did ask me about the wedding. She said she and my friend would be there (not the cruise, just the wedding itself). Of course I was really happy to hear this. But I still haven't heard anything from my friend herself! Weird. But, at least she's coming.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! of course she wouldn't miss it all for you! Let us know what happens!