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I may be losing a bridesmaid

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sumbride

Ideal_Rock
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One of my gals just asked me to meet her for lunch, which was odd since she works on the other side of town, so I kind of thought something might be up. She''s having $ problems related to her ex-fiance and she doesn''t feel like she can commit to the wedding right now. I told her it would be ok... that No, I wasn''t mad at her! I have no idea why she thought I would be! And that she didn''t really have to decide right now if she didn''t want to. Dresses don''t need to be ordered until May, so she has time, but apparently all the gals were discussing the shower, bachelorette, etc... and she doesn''t want to help plan something expensive that she can''t contribute to. So right now she''s out but she knows she can say she wants in before May.

She was worried I''d be freaked about matching numbers, but since we have a jr. bm we actually had one more girl than gm anyway, so that''s not a concern... nor would it have been. I felt so bad that she was so worked up about it she was crying! I think I handled it ok, since it seemed to calm her down a lot. I hope she does decide to participate... I even told her I''d help her with the deposit on her dress if she needed me to, but she''s so upset at him right now she''s not really thinking clearly. It was a very emotional lunch!
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
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Sum,

Kudos to you for being a reasonable and understanding bride and an even better friend. I admire you!

~K
 

sumbride

Ideal_Rock
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Thanks Kimberly! I feel sad that she''s in this situation but I''m glad I could remind her that standing up front at my wedding didn''t need to take precedence over any part of her life. She''s just emailed the rest of the ''maids so they know now too without me having to say anything. I hope things change for her so she can participate.

If anybody else has this happen... know that it can be REALLY tough on the girl dropping out!
 

FacetFire

Brilliant_Rock
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Jun 26, 2006
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Oh, that''s too bad that she feels so awful, though I know I would too. It sounds like you handled it wonderfully. It is hard financially being a BM, but your offer to help pay should give her a little room if she thinks she can swing it.
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
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Nov 19, 2004
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Sumbride: I''m glad your BM and you handled it so well. I think sometimes the BM feels that they are letting their friend down etc., but I think it''s so much better to be honest about stuff like this. You''re her friend, so of course you would understand (this is no bridezilla here).
 

dmamsquared

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Jan 26, 2007
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All I can say is it''s an expensive proposition. Some people don''t have an extra grand around to cover all the expenses. Cut your losses and move on. You have enough on your mind. Right now, you can''t take OP''s problems. Your offer was admirable, but let''s hope she doesn''t take you up on it. The more females involved, the more you will feel like you''re back in high school. And you don''t want that drama, trust me. meow.
 

sumbride

Ideal_Rock
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Well, luckily the dresses we''re using aren''t that expensive, so floating the deposit of $75 won''t break me. The main expense really will be getting to the wedding... she''s saying she doesn''t know if she can even come or not. If she can pay to get there, I won''t mind helping with her dress, but it would be her BM gift instead of what I had planned to give her.

I think she''s so worked up about the problems with her ex-FI that this was just "the straw", if you know what I mean and she needed to eliminate it. I respect that, and if she doesn''t have to worry about it, hopefully she can handle the much bigger problems better than she has been. I''ve seen her freak out about money before, take stock, and realize she''ll be ok. Hoping that happens this time.
 

diamondfan

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I think you handled it well. Maybe you could just offer to pay for her dress and tell her she does not have to be on the hook financially for any other things. Would that work for you? If having her involved is important, that might be a way to make it work, and just make sure your other bm''s are cool with it...no need to ruffle feathers in the meantime!
 

FireGoddess

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I think it''s so important to be understanding, especially when the circumstances are reasonable and I think you did a wonderful job handling the situation. She may end up changing her mind and being able to afford it...if you can I''d wait a little while to see if that can happen, if not, plan B.
 

sumbride

Ideal_Rock
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Thanks ladies! She and I agreed on the "wait-and-see" approach and she knows that dresses have to be ordered May 1st, so she has that much time to decide if she can swing it. Getting to the wedding will be most of the expense, since it does require a flight. Hotels are really reasonable in that area, and she can double up with another BM if she wants to, so that would bring it down significantly. I hope she can do the math and figure it out, because I''d hate for her not to even be able to come. Once she''s there, putting on a dress and standing up front will be the easy part!

And in the meantime, if I end up with any flight vouchers with expiration dates, I may pass it on. Have one now but it expires 5 months before the wedding.
 

ljmorgan

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Mar 5, 2006
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That happened with one of my bridesmaids toward the end. I told her I would be paying for her dress, and to let me know what the girls were wanting her to contribute money-wise to the showers and such, and I''d slip it to her. It was one of the best things that I did for the wedding, we all had a blast and everyone was included.
 

sumbride

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Date: 1/30/2007 2:52:40 PM
Author: *Lindsey*
That happened with one of my bridesmaids toward the end. I told her I would be paying for her dress, and to let me know what the girls were wanting her to contribute money-wise to the showers and such, and I''d slip it to her. It was one of the best things that I did for the wedding, we all had a blast and everyone was included.
Lindsey... that''s a great idea! I wish I had thought of that earlier! I will talk to her about that and see how she feels about it. Thanks!
 

caligal

Shiny_Rock
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Jun 16, 2005
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470
I agree with everyone in that it is great you are being really understanding with her. I''ll cross my fingers it all works out!
 

stretch4

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Date: 1/30/2007 3:04:06 PM
Author: sumbride

Date: 1/30/2007 2:52:40 PM
Author: *Lindsey*
That happened with one of my bridesmaids toward the end. I told her I would be paying for her dress, and to let me know what the girls were wanting her to contribute money-wise to the showers and such, and I''d slip it to her. It was one of the best things that I did for the wedding, we all had a blast and everyone was included.
Lindsey... that''s a great idea! I wish I had thought of that earlier! I will talk to her about that and see how she feels about it. Thanks!
I did the same for my MOH. There was no way that I would let her not come to the wedding because of money. It''s only money for gosh sake. So none of the other BMs knew that I paid for things for her. It all worked out, and we were all extremely happy!
 

fatafelice

Brilliant_Rock
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Jul 26, 2004
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Sum, I think you have handled this perfectly. I know you must be sad for her to not be a part of the wedding party, but it shows what a true friend you are that you are so understanding. I do hope, for both your sakes, that she will be able to attend at least. As a bride, I would be so sad if one of my best friends could not be there with me. As a friend, I think I would be even more upset to miss it. Perhaps, like the others suggested, you could slip her some money on the side. I know that I think of my closest friends like family, and I would not hesitate to help one of them out if they needed it.
 
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