Wedding I know this is stupid and petty, but. . .

[buttercup80]

::sigh::

I feel guilty for being SO completely upset over this and I''m kind of embarrassed to even vent about it, but I have to get this out.

My mom is completely driving me crazy! I posted once before about her "wedding face" - the expression she gets whenever I mention anything *I* want - silly me, I''m only the bride, after all. . . Quick recap of past arguments:

1. shoes - I want blue. Clearly I am insane to even consider such a thing.
2. invites - Her response to the ones I spent 3 hours picking out and customizing? "I don''t just dislike them; I actively hate them. There is nothing I like about them." Also, she is still picking apart the wording.
3. manicure - Seriously, she doesn''t like my nail polish choice - this one, like MANY others, I''ll just give in on because it''s really just not f*cking worth it. But does she really need to make it into a huge deal? WHO CARES?!

And today. . .

I have wanted a cupcake wedding cake ever since I found out that such a thing existed. Something like this with a small cake top tier so we''d have something to cut - obviously not brown and white (not our colors) and no hearts (I''m not a heart girl), but that''s basically the idea. There are a ton of reasons that I won''t bother to post because it doesn''t really matter, but it''s one of the bigger things that I am excited about. Mom and I have had minor spats about the idea in the past, but I assumed she''d get over it once she saw nice examples of cupcake cakes - and that, in fact, it''s not so completely bizarre to have on at all. I also thought that I might have to give in to her because our venue works with one bakery and a cake is included in our package and I wasn''t sure we''d even be able to do cupcakes at all.

We went in to our tasting at the bakery and were underwhelmed. The bakery itself was in the middle of nowhere and was selling cheap jewelry, odd singing stuffed bears, and knockoff purses alongside less-than-tempting baked goods. We went into the back to talk about our cake and were not really impressed. The cakes just weren''t that great, BUT they did say they''d be able to do cupcakes so we wound up ordering that - a 7" top tier and then cupcakes. I called my mom to let her know - because she knew we had the tasting this morning and she hung up on me. And then called my aunt to complain.

It''s such a petty argument, but I refuse to call her back - she hung up on me??? And, not for nothing, but she is killing the excitement of planning my wedding. The few things that I stand firm on and get my way on don''t make me happy anymore because she doesn''t like them and makes me feel guilty about and everything else feels like it''s not really my choice - compromises but added together make something entiely different from what I envisioned. The cupcake thing, while so small in and of itself, was just some kind of last straw - I had a mini break down in the car. As Adam says, she needs to just let some stuff go - will she be naming our kids, too? When does OUR wedding get to be about what WE want.

I am not going out of my way to choose things she dislikes. She could maybe be a little less judgmental and critical about the things that make me really happy - because she is making me really unhappy. The joy (I know it''s silly, but I''m a little bit of a material girl and they did give me joy) that my blue shoes would have given me is now replaced with guilt over the fact that she really hates them.

One silver lining here is that she might be able to "have her cake and eat it, too" (groan, groan). We were so disappointed in the bakery that I''m going to find out (or John is anyway - the whole thing just stresses me out now - THANK YOU, John) how much a cupcake cake from Magnolia Bakery (best cupcakes in the world) might be. If it''s reasonable, my aunt actually offered to buy it for us as long as my parents never found out she did. That way, my mom could pick out whatever the hell she wanted from the crap bakery and we could have the cupcakes that we really want. My mom would *still* find a way to be pissed, but she wouldn''t really be able to say anything, right?

Sorry for the long rant about such insignificant crap - I hit the end of my rope today. . .

On a related note: it''s incredibly hard to pick out a card for a woman you are in a fight with. There are no "Get off my back" mother''s day cards.

 

[FrekeChild]

Breathe buttercup!

First of all, how much $$$ is she contributing to the wedding? If it''s $0-I say, don''t talk to her about anything else. When she asks, say nothing. If she asks why you won''t say anything, tell her that she''s a guest at your wedding and none of the other guests are bugging her about her nail polish color (

). Ok, maybe not, but I really think she needs to lay off. I agree with you that fighting about nail polish, cupcakes, etc is a bit much. She needs to realize that this is your wedding, not hers.

I guess all I have to say is that I''m sorry you''re having to go through this.

And-I think the blue shoes are great, you want them, so go get them! And don''t feel guilty!

 

[Pandora II]

Parents sometimes need a good spanking...

 

[decodelighted]

Feeling guilty is about feeling that you''ve done something WRONG? Why is your mother disliking your shoes something WRONG you''ve done?? The sooner you stop trying to please your mother & stop worrying whether she (or anyone else) like your *fashion* choices the better off you''ll be.

People can''t make you feel guilty. We do it to ourselves. Its a choice. Choose to stop. Tell yourself "I can have the shoes I want & it does not matter whether she likes them or not. She is allowed to pick HER OWN SHOES and, as an ADULT WOMAN, I pick my own shoes"

Ooof.

 

[doodle]

i think it''s time you and mommy dearest have a little heart to heart. let her know that you really appreciate her financial contributions for your wedding but that you and your FI would prefer that your day reflect your tastes and not hers. to keep the peace, delegate a few things you don''t care about to her so she''ll be preoccupied while you work out the details that matter to you. you don''t want to look back 20 years from now and dislike your wedding because so much of it was according to her preferences rather than yours. and feeling guilty is just silly--it''s YOUR day, so make it what you want it to be, and if she''s sucking that much of the joy out of things, quit telling her details! does she really need to know what color shoes you''re going to wear?? it''s a travesty to EVER feel guilt about shoes. they''re god''s gift to women!

 

[spike13]

Is this type of critism abnormal for your mother or is it typical?

If it''s not her usual way, maybe point out to her and explain it''s making you really unhappy.

Something like: Mom I''ve noticed a pattern to your reactions. I''m not sure if this is your intention or not, but when you say things like xyz I feel xyz. It''s really important to me that you feel a part of the event and plans and that we both enjoy this time. What can we do to change things so we don''t end up in these huge fights? (Asking her to help solve the problem brings you both to the same side of the table and makes it feel like you are a team solving a problem instead of accusing her of something. It also opens the door so that she has room to talk about what''s really bothering her.)

If she''s not a crazy control freak, have it her way or the highway type person, then maybe she just hasn''t stopped to identify the true cause of why she''s acting this way. Clearly this is about more than cupcakes versus cake or what color your polish is.

 

[Gypsy]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553381407/ref=pd_cp_b_3?pf_rd_p=317711001&pf_rd_s=center-41&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0805073531&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=054C598HK28EX5AJB2DS


Please. Go out and buy this book. Read it.

You need boundaries with that woman. If you don''t know how to set them (and I''m sorry honey, I don''t think you''re quite there yet, but you ARE learning) you need to figure it out. And quick.

 

[purrfectpear]

When your mother pays for your wedding, what she says goes. Hopefully in many cases the mom wants her daughter to be happy, but sometimes not

When the bride wants to make all her own decisions, she needs to foot her own bill. Sorry, but that''s just the way it is in life. When I was a young girl we couldn''t wait to be out on our own because we recognized that in order to be independent from our moms we had to have our own apartments, our own jobs, and our own money.

Sorry that your mom is a control freak with issues, but you really only get 100% control when you control the purse strings. Any chance you can pay for the wedding that you want?

 

[buttercup80]

Thank you so much for all of your empathy - I know that these are such insignificant "problems" - it''s just that I''ve been dreaming of my wedding for so long and it''s turning into something else entirely. I turned to FI one point today and suggested we elope (which I never would have considered) - and at the moment I was totally serious. I''m calmer now, just tired. . .

Freke - Unfortunately, we can''t afford to pay for the whole wedding ourselves (we are both teachers and FI bought our condo so I''m contributing and my parents are). My mother said that they are paying for the venue/catering, which the cake falls into. I''m considering letting her pick whatever cake she wants from the included bakery and then just going ad getting my own cupcakes elsewhere. I''m still looking for the perfect blue shoes and you are the shoe guru so if you happen to have any suggestions. . .I am used to wearing superhigh heels, but because of the lack of a height difference, I''m limiting myself to 2.5". I already have white satin shoes that I''d dye, but I''m not sure they''re perfect so I''m still searching! And ideas? (I''ve tried, but the height req. makes it harder)

Thanks, Pandora! My best friend jokes about pushing her down the stairs. . .

deco - Your comment clicked something into place for me. Duh! I AM an adult. They are MY feet. My shoes - this is ridiculous!

doodle - I''ve been sitting down and thinking more and more about what to "assign" to her to keep her busy. AND I don''t think I''ll be telling her anything anymore - I''ve had enough. FI keeps trying to remind me that I can never make her happy so I might as well let that go and worry about what makes me happy - which is easier said than done, but I''m trying. . .luckily I have other relatives and a ton of really supportive friend. My mom and I have always just had this very rocky relationship and she has been manipulating me forever by withholding her approval. It''s just hard not to try for it - I''m a people pleaser. . .

spike - Unfortunately, she''s always been very controlling. It is difficult for me to stand up to her because. . .I don''t know - she has this power over me. My dad pulled me aside at the beginning of the planning though and told me to do what *I* wanted. . .I just need to try to steer clear of my mom and her negative comments. . .

Gypsy - Some parts of that book sound like me to a T! She was never physically abusive or anything like that so I always feel silly complaining - other people have *real* problems and I just need to get a grip. . .I should definitely read that - thanks for the req! I am trying really hard not to let her get to me, but I somehow always do. . .

purrfect pear - I do realize that my mom is contributing financially and, therefore, definitely is entitled to a voice - but, really? My shoes? I bought those myself actually - as well as the invites and my dress and *everything* except the venue. I realize the venue/food is a MAJOR portion of the budget, but does it really give her the right to criticize everything else that I do? And I really feel like there are more adult and rational ways to handle the situation than to hang up on me and then complain to other relatives. I never asked for her $$$, incidentally - she and my dad offered and they are inviting the bulk of the guests. The money in question is also not just hers - it is my father''s also and he supports my decisions. . .

 

[FrekeChild]

No problem-I can look tomorrow for you if you''d like. Do you have a price range?

 

[buttercup80]

I''d prefer not to spend over $100 if possible - especially since I already have the dyeable shoes. . . I just couldn''t find anything in a nice shade AND with a low-ish heel - I''m too used to the look of my gorgeous stilettos!

 

[Octavia]

Just a random question, but what was your mom and dad's wedding like? Is it possible that she's trying to get the "perfect" wedding she was always dreaming of but didn't have? I'm not excusing her behavior -- I'd be livid if my mom did that, but luckily she's pretty hands-off so far. Except that she is sort of pushing me not to worry about the cost of things (hello, where is the money going to come from, then??) and I think it's because she and my dad were young and poor when they got married, and weren't able to have the bells and whistles. Maybe your mother is projecting too, but in a much more aggressive, hurtful way?

 

[MMM]

oh my goodness! i cannot even imagine how you feel!
i''m also curious to know if this is out of her character.

if so, she is DEFINATLEY experiencing major anxiety about losing you. perhaps a good talk, or the right book, could fix things. she probably just needs to recognize where these controlling impulses are coming from and then she can bridle them.

buuut, if this is not out of character, then WHOA. congratulations for making it out of your formative years a reasonable person! i would go absolutely nuts.

 

[MMM]

okay, just read your newest entry (i should have refreshed before posting) and i guess this IS in character! ahhh! i''m glad you seem to have a supportive, rational father!

i think your cake solution sounds like it will work - even though i think it''s ridiculous you are having to make concessions on your OWN wedding cake.

and good idea to keep mum on all your other decisions - most especially on personal details (like your polish color) of which she has no financial stake!

 

[bee*]

If you can, I think that the two of you need to meet up and try and clear the air and listen to how each other feels about things. Unfortunately as purrfectpear said, as she is giving a major financial imput, she is also in control, it''s just unfortunate that she''s doing things to make your planning difficult.

 

[Rhea]

Wow. Your mother''s behaviour sounds pretty extreme. I agree that just because your parents are paying doesn''t mean that everything has to be her way. I can''t imagine my mother picking my shoes for me. She stopped doing that when I was in grade school!

Your mother doesn''t need to know every detail of your wedding. Even if she is paying. I understand your excitement to show her the shoes, but those really don''t matter in the big scheme of thing. If she''s going to act this way I''d quit showing her things unless she asks. You''re already compromising. Cake and cupcakes!! Best of both world. That would appease most people.

Have you ever been close to your mother? Is part of her behaviour due to "losing" you after the wedding?

 

[tenfour]

Date: 5/10/2008 10:35:03 PM
Author: purrfectpear
When your mother pays for your wedding, what she says goes. Hopefully in many cases the mom wants her daughter to be happy, but sometimes not

i disagree with that statement. a mother should want her daughter to be comfortable and ultimately enjoy being a bride. i am 30 years old. it has been a long time since i have needed my mom to tell me what to wear or eat.

 

[buttercup80]

My mom and I have never been close so I don''t think it''s fear of losing me (especially since my brother lives in Australia and FI and I live 20 minutes away from her!) - and I''m pretty sure her wedding was what she wanted at the time. . . She doesn''t really get along with her mother, but it''s not for the same reasons - her mother is not controlling AT ALL.

I need to step back from wedding stuff everyone once in a while and just realize that my mom is not going to change. Trust me when I say I have tried on multiple occasions to talk calmly and rationally about her behavior - without being accusatory. . . It has never worked - she will not take any responsibility or make any compromise - she just takes the position that I''m being completely crazy and unreasonable so she should not have to compromise.

I know all of this about her ahead of time and still I let it bother me - that''s what I need to change - because she is not going to. . .

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 5/11/2008 7:34:39 AM
Author: tenfour

Date: 5/10/2008 10:35:03 PM
Author: purrfectpear
When your mother pays for your wedding, what she says goes. Hopefully in many cases the mom wants her daughter to be happy, but sometimes not

i disagree with that statement. a mother should want her daughter to be comfortable and ultimately enjoy being a bride. i am 30 years old. it has been a long time since i have needed my mom to tell me what to wear or eat.

Ahhh, but the key word is should . Of course a mother should want her daughter''s happiness, however the point here is that this mother is not going along with that sweet fantasy. You have to deal with what you have. The reality is that if you are 30 years old and don''t want someone to tell you what to do, wear, or eat, pay for it yourself.

This momma isn''t going to suddenly turn into the perfect mom now is she? OP can continue to feel frustrated (rightfully so I might add) and post for therapy, but nothing will change as long as mom is footing the bill.

At what cost the big wedding? Is it worth the frustration? I''d tell my mom "thank you very much for your kind and generous offer, but we really want to have complete control of our day so we''ll have the wedding that WE can afford".

 

[tenfour]

fantasy?? it would be one thing if a bride were demanding to be carried to the altar on a gold platform by circus-trained monkeys. the problem at hand doesn't involve outrageous demands. it involves shoes, cake, and nails...and having creative control over personal taste.
the family trusts this woman enough to choose the person she wants to be with for the rest of her life. i'm baffled that they won't let her choose her own shoe colour.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Just wanted to say I am sorry your Mom is being so difficult!

((Hugs))

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

my FMIL doesn''t say anything to my face....i get to hear it from everyone else. i feel you on the mother issues, i feel you...

 

[VRBeauty]

Basically I think Purrfectpear is right. When you are in a situation where you cannot control somebody else's behavior (which is pretty much most of the time) you have to ACE the situation: Accept the other person's behavior, Change your own behaviors or reaction, or Exit the situation. Rationally Mom should not have the kind of control she's assuming over Buttercup's wedding, but... Buttercup and FI are not in control of the situation as long as they need Mom's financial assistance and therefore cannot exit the situation, and Mom somehow feels entitled to this level of control as a result. No matter who tells her that she shouldn't be concerned about what shoes the bride wears, nor how often, it doesn't make any difference to her until she agrees. And her reactions will make Buttercup miserable as long as she and DF let them.

Buttercup: are you by any chance an only child,or an only daughter? (I'm sorry if you mentioned this and I missed it!) It may explain (but not excuse) Mom's behavior a little bit if she's feeling that this is her only chance to throw the perfect wedding.

If you can't cut the purse strings, could you work with your mother to identify things where she has control (within reason) and thing over which she has no say? For example, telll her she can control the invites and food for the reception, as long as they reflect the level of formality that you and FI have decided on for your wedding (and the invites provide the right signals to your guests.) You get to control the colors, wedding party attire etc, and ... it goes without saying, I hope... the vows and ceremony are your bailiwick.

Good luck!

BTW, I really feel for you Buttercup. My mother has very strong opinions on things generally

, and that extends to how her children live their lives even though we're all very grown up by now. I suspect that your mother's control issues have very little to do with her financial contribution to your wedding, but it may be easier to negotiate about the wedding that it would be deal with the bigger issues before your wedding, so... see if you can reach some sort of compromise!

 

[honey22]

I am sorry to be so blunt but she is acting like a spoilt brat. THIS IS YOUR WEDDING DAY SWEETIE!! I just get so mad at family members like this. It shouldn''t be about the parents no matter if they are spending the $$$ or not. If they want to contribute, then they should give graciously and say here is some $$ for whatever makes you happy on your special day, not I am buying my choice of ceremony, venue etc etc.

I understand that you would want to make her happy as she is your mother, but I don''t want you to regret things about your wedding just to make her happy.

If she wants the invites she likes, cakes she likes, shoes she likes, tell her to throw herself one big gigantic party and she can decide everything. This is not a wedding for you, SO and mother, it''s just you and your man.

Sorry if I sound uncaring, it''s totally not the case. I just think it''s sad when someone is planning their special day, and the people close to them are behaving selfishly.

 

[buttercup80]

Thanks ladies! I think most of my problem is not that she disagrees with me, but that she diagrees with me about EVERYTHING - and is not compromising or talking about it like a rational adult. Also, she is not arguing major points - she likes my FI, our ceremony should be okay, she came with us to the tasting to pick the venue. . . Why is she making such a big deal about my shoes? And, while I agree that as long as we accept her financial support, we have to accept some of her opinions, I don''t think that gives her carte blanche to run right over our thoughts. Especially since she has made it quite clear that she is paying for the venue/food and that''s it. I''m buying my own shoes anyway!

This is not specific wedding behavior for mom - so, while I am the oldest child and the only daughter, I don''t really think this is about that. She has always been controlling - going so far as to dictate my major in college! I don''t think she is going to stop anytime soon, so I just need to learn to let it go and ignore her. As FI says, I''m never going to make her happy so I need to stop making myself miserable by trying.

 

[Gypsy]

Read the book honey, your subsequent posts have made it clear to me at least that she''s toxic. Regardless of how your wedding goes, you need to get boundaries with mom.

 

[doodle]

you made an interesting point when you mentioned that BOTH of your parents are contributing toward your wedding--is there any way that talking to your father might help the situation? if he''s paying, too, and he supports your decisions and wants you to be happy with your wedding, perhaps he could help diffuse some of the tension between you and your mom. also, if she''s only paying for food and venue, in my opinion, those should be the only areas where her input is relevant (and i''m still not saying that her opinion in these areas should be the bottom line, merely worth considering!). if it''s something you''re paying for, JUST. DON''T. TELL. HER! when it gets to the point where she''s picking your shoes, it''s so far gone that it''s ALMOST funny--nip it in the bud now...i''m getting scary visuals of your mom popping out of your suitcase on your honeymoon screaming "wear this! wear this!" you''re a grown woman, you''re getting married, and what i feel like you''re forgetting is that you DESERVE to be happy and you DESERVE to have the wedding that you want!!! DESERVE!!!! note my emphasis! one more thing, when freke finds you a killer pair of blues, you better post pix. i have a shoe obsession!

 

[lesco]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you have to put up with this. I have a very controlling mother. It took me years to figure out how to deal with her and I mean I tried everything... Bottom line, the way I deal with my mom is by giving her the least amount of information possible on those times I don't want her interference.

You are in a difficult spot because she is helping financially but I think you should curb her involvement to those areas which she is paying for.

How to do this? provide the information after the fact. For example, you want blue shoes? buy them then you tell her...

I know it sounds cruel, she is your mother after all but desperate times call for desperate measures. The positive side is that you have a mother that is willing to support you financially on this. Weddings are expensive and the more help the merrier...

Enjoying this wedding planning time is part of the overall experience of getting married, I think. Don't let these issues take that away from you. I guarantee you your mom means well - It's just some parents don't know how to let go and accept the fact their kids are all grown up. Good luck and best wishes!