I just need to let this out...

[Kayakqueen83]

I’m having a bit of an anxiety attack. Please bear with me; this is going to be quite long…

Like stated before in a previous thread, my wonderful and smart boyfriend is no longer in law school and is out on the job hunt. Previously, we sat down and had the talk of looking for work only in the Miami/South Florida area as I already have a wonderful job down here and we didn’t want to disrupt that. We figured that there are plenty of jobs down here… something would come up. Fast forward three months later and while he DOES have a job (a very, very awful one) it just isn’t enough to pay the bills and he is highly dissatisfied. He is still applying for every job that he can find down here but the job market is tough and all the leads have turned dry.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. He had previously applied for a very good job down here in Miami with a large company with lots of room for growth. He unfortunately did not get the job because he does not speak Spanish and that was important as he would be supervising many Spanish speaking workers in the job. We were discouraged as the job paid so well, but after he did not get the job the head of the company personally contacted him for a position that he would be “perfect” for. District Sales Manager for the company. It is a huge position for him and the pay is what our COMBINED pay is now! The negative is………… The job is based out of Northern Florida. My heart dropped when I heard this because I really think this is a great opportunity for him. BUT I really like my job and I would be scared to leave it. I’m young with not a lot of experience, so it would be difficult for me to find something similar in my field. And it is not an issue of commitment as I do know that soon we will be engaged… and if he were to receive this job it would be even sooner! Haha.

There are a lot of positives to it… but my negative is still very important. When he told me about the job possibility we both sat down to talk about it. We don’t like living in South Florida and have always planned on leaving ASAP. The weather is beautiful but the town is just not “us”. We are very far away from our family and friends. And we always wanted to move from here in the next few years. (however I always wanted a few more years under my belt before making that leep). We can’t afford anything down here and are finding it very difficult to save money, which is important to us. We want to start off our life together on the correct footing but it is hard when the rent for our tiny one bedroom apartment that we share with two dogs cost 3-times what some pay for their mortgage.

Then we looked at the town that the job is in and the pluses just kept on adding up. We could afford a house… like now, not in the 5 more years that it would take down here. We would be 5 hours away from his family and 2 hours away from mine. I grew up in Northern Florida and really like it up there. (especially the oak trees) No more flights to see our family during the holidays. Then I found out that I COULD request a transfer with my company (they have an office there). So… essentially I could keep my job and work for the office up there. The positives were just too good to pass up and I told him to schedule the interview and we would see what would happen.

Now the interview is tomorrow and I am so nervous. I REALLY want him to get this job. For him and for us. But I am so scared that I will not be able to transfer my job and I will have to give up this job that I really enjoy. There have been HUGE budget cuts and there is a shortage of people in my position. I am afraid that they wouldn’t want to give me up to a smaller office. I would give up this job… I really would, but I just don’t want to HAVE to, you know?

I know I shouldn’t even be worrying about it right now. He doesn’t even have the job. But the head of the region is flying down tomorrow to interview him and it really seems like a great possibility.

The thing is this: I guess I’m just scared. I am so very independent and I like it that way. I did this all on my own and I’m scared to give that up. Or if I do decided to give it up and loose this opportunity I don’t want to resent him for what essentially is my decision. (Does this make sense?) My mother sacrificed her whole life for my father and his dreams and 30 years later they got divorced and the life she sacrificed so much for was gone. I know I am not my mother. I know that my relationship is not hers. But the fear of that happening is still there. I want to do this. I want to start my life off with him on the best footing that we can. This chance will provide that. But…. I’m having a difficult time with this HUGE sacrifice. I know… I know. You have to do that in relationships. I KNOW he would do the same for me. If I went home today and told him, I just can’t do it. We need to stay here. He would cancel his interview immediately and never make me feel bad for it.

I don’t even know what this post is really for. I really already know what I am willing to do/not do. I just needed to get my fears out there, I guess. I haven’t really talked to anyone about them because I don’t want to get my hopes up that this is going to happen. Also, I really wanted us to be able to come up with what we thought was right before letting everyone else know… and start to give us their opinions.

If you made it through this, thanks. I think it’s time that I request some of the famous PS dust. For my BF’s interview tomorrow and for all these huge changes and events that are occurring. I think I really just need some dust to quench my fears and anxiety. The right path will open up and I know things are going to work out the way they need too. I just hope it isn’t too hard.

 

[Bliss]

Hello!

Congratulations to your bf, first of all! Way to go for you both.

That having been said, I totally understand your dilemma. All I can tell you is that you should follow your heart. A job is a wonderful thing and a career is important. But it isn''t everything. And you can both make it work if you are both committed.

When you have conviction and faith, you''d be surprised at how the world makes a path for you. It''s like the twin forces of fate and fortune guide you when you have the purest of intentions. You can be successful in any part of the world. You just might have to be a little creative. Who knows? It might be the best thing that ever happened to you.

I know there''s also a voice in the back of your head saying, "What if it doesn''t work out? I will have given up everything." Not so. You seem like a very smart woman. It is a life experience. That is not to say you should throw caution to the wind and follow your man blindly. Keep your eyes open.

But don''t ever make decisions because you''re running away from something or afraid of failure. If you are afraid things won''t work out, most times, they won''t. Thoughts are very powerful and the body and mind have a way of making our thoughts come true. We as human beings are powerful creatures! So watch your thoughts - especially the self-defeating ones! When you hear one, turn it around and tell yourself the opposite thing. Do that enough times and the fear will subside -- your mind will be quiet enough to actually hear the truth.

One thing you might want to consider is this:

What would you regret the most?

Say you end up with an awesome career, but you let the love of your life go? Would you regret that for the rest of your life?

On the other hand, say you followed your heart and did what you felt was right for you. Whenever you are true to yourself, it''s rare that people regret their mistakes. They turn out to be growing experiences. Even starting all over again. You will be a stronger, bigger & more self-aware being. Because you lived. You didn''t hide in a shrink-wrapped box pristine and never having lived and loved!

So be smart... Either way, you are not right or wrong. It is simply a choice.

Whatever you choose will be right.

In the meantime, just hope and go forward as if the best solution would occur.

Don''t worry a bit in the meantime. Wastes energy and most of the crap we worry about -- never actually happens. Only decide on stuff when you meet it in the road.

So... hope for the best, have faith and prepare for the best... be ready for the worst.

You''ll be SURPRISED to see what happens! It''s magic! Try it.

 

[KimberlyH]

Kayak,

Making the decision to move and potentially give up a good job with a career path is a scary thing. When I met my DH I held a not so glamorous position that I enjoyed in a company where I could have eventually gone on to bigger, better, and very interesting things. I had stayed there for three years knowing that the potential for me to grow was huge. But then we started dating, and he was established in his hometown and caring for his elderly mother and after a while we knew one of us was going to have to make the move to see if we could exist in the same city, as up to that point our relationship had been a serious of great vacations as a couple. It made the most sense for it to be me, as I wasn''t attached to the city I lived in, I knew I wanted to leave eventually, but I''d always thought I do so for a career and to be closer to my famly, not to live in the same city as a guy I was twitterpated over.

So I moved, and I found a not so great job that I despised. And I stuck it out for a year and we got engaged and he convinced me that I needed to return to school to earn my masters and do something I love, not just work for the sake of working. So I was in a totally new city, with my new fiance, and I quit my job and returned to school, and he''s been the "breadwinner" ever since, as I''ve worked my way through school and worked part time, just so I get some experience in my field and don''t feel like I contribute nothing. I''ve never relied on anyone, except my parents, to support me and here I am totally financially dependant on him. It''s been hard, but it''s also been a great means of our bonding together as a couple, and my learning to depend on him, which is the antithesis of my personality. And now I''m close to finishing my degree, and we''ve started talking about having a family in the next 5 years and my being a stay at home mom for a while; and I''m back to that place: I''ll be totally reliant on you financially, but I''ll get to do something very important to me that is beneficial to us as a family.

My whole point in sharing this is that I know how scary it feels, and how hard it can be. But I also know that I have been greatly rewarded in my relationship -- Oh, and bonus, I''m going to be doing something I love someday soon, rather than just working to get paid! -- because I have and continue to rely on him in this way. And how it has brought us together. And I''m really glad I''ve made the choices I have, even though five years ago I''d never have guessed that this is where my life would take me.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

First I really wanted to say thank you to you both for putting so much time and thought into replying to my thread (let alone the time it took just to read it! haha)

It really helped to hear what you had to say Bliss! I got this really zen feeling after reading your post. You truly have a wonderful way you look at the world. I hope that the world will make a path for me, like you said. I DO have the purest intentions and when it comes to my relationship I have absolutely no doubts. We have a wonderful partnership that I have never seen anything like. I don''t know what will happen in 5 years or 20. And I''d be foolish to think that our chances of not working out are any less then anyone else. But there is not doubt in my mind that I would never be able to forgive myself for not cherishing this time with each other.

And yes, there is of course, a chance that it will not work out. I am frightened of that. It would be HORRIBLE! And I, of course don''t want to hurt. But hell, I''ve been there before, I''ll probably be there again. Hard times happen in life, in relationship or in other situations, and you are right "I can''t run away just because fear of failure". I''m a tough cookie... I know that I''d brush myself off.

I REALLY enjoyed what you said here, Bliss:

"Don''t worry a bit in the meantime. Wastes energy and most of the crap we worry about -- never actually happens. Only decide on stuff when you meet it in the road."

I am a worrier and in situations like this, I panic. I love to have everything all planed out and when I''m having to just step out on a limb in life, I have a hard time. I''m going to have to post this quote somewhere to remind me of it.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Ok now on to you KimberlyH! (I wanted to respond to you both as I really gained something from hearing your insight)

First off, It was so nice to hear that I''m not the only one who has been in this situation. And it''s so great that you realize that it WAS the best decision for you, even though it was hard. I also know that I want to leave this town eventually, I just what hoping when that time came it would be for a job... and he would have a job... and we would both move at the same time... and everything would be shiny and happy with butterflies.... haha. Easy... I was hoping that it would be easy. I guess I need to get used to life handing me tough choices and situations.

It made the most sense for it to be me, as I wasn''t attached to the city I lived in, I knew I wanted to leave eventually, but I''d always thought I do so for a career and to be closer to my famly, not to live in the same city as a guy I was twitterpated over.

I''m sorry but I love this word and had never heard of it before... it made me chuckle!

And I stuck it out for a year and we got engaged and he convinced me that I needed to return to school to earn my masters and do something I love, not just work for the sake of working.

Thanks for writing this... until now, for some reason continuing my education never jumped out as something I could do right now. I have always wanted to, but because I am already in my field, I just considered that I would do it on a part time basis in a couple of years. Now I''m in a position that because of Budget cuts, I may not be ABLE to find a job in my career path in a new town. If that happens it would be a perfect opportunity to continue my education, then I would have a greater education in my field and the experience for the next job that I would apply for.

Honestly, I just didn''t think of this option, so I am grateful you wrote about your experience. It is nice to know that I can still do something to benefit my career even if the job market is not where I need it to be at the moment.

To give you an update. My BF did have his interview today and they really liked him. They talked about a moving bonus to get us settled (which we were NOT expecting at all!) And asked him to come up to the new town to look at the company THIS FRIDAY. YIKES! Then they told him that they would discuss the salary at that time.... So it really does seem like they are interested... although I really am trying just to take it a day at a time. No use worrying over something that hasn''t even happened yet! We do have an idea of the salary and it is so far above what we ever thought he would get offered... It''s amazing.

What is even more amazing is the fact that I make the choice. He knows what a sacrifice it would be for me to make this move and potentially have to give up my great job. He really is letting my feelings come first in this situation and if I don''t feel right about giving up my job... he wouldn’t even question it- he will look for something else. I guess that''s how I know we are going to be ok... we both are willing to sacrifice just as much as the other when the going gets tough.

Thanks again, KimberlyH! It is so great to hear how it worked out for you and your DH and how close you have become. Good luck with school!

 

[nclrgirl]

Kayak, This sounds like a wonderful opportunity for your FF. I''m in a similar situation, where I''m starting a new job and moving to be with my FI. Do you think that it might intice your company to transfer you if you say that you''re moving and would really like to stay with that company if they accomodate you?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I just wanted to post to say good luck to your boyfriend! Let us know how it goes!!

Also--it sounds like you both agree that this is what you want and that it''s about more than just this job. It''s about your quality of life, it''s about being closer to your families, it''s about getting out of a city that you don''t love. It doesn''t sound at all like you are giving something up for him, it sounds like you are making a joint decision to move in a direction that is better for both of you!

You are young and your career path is not even close to being set in stone. If your current company really values you (and it sounds like they do!) then they will want to do what is best for both of you--they get to keep you as an employee and you get to transfer. If for any reason they aren''t keen on the option, then view this as a fabulous opportunity for you to explore other options--especially if your current job is your first job after college. You may find something you love even more!

I wish him luck tomorrow!!

 

[KimberlyH]

Kayak,

First, congratulations to your boyfriend! It sounds like they are very interested in him. That''s awesome!

Second, I''m pickin'' up what you''re laying down. It''s hard. And it doesn''t get less hard for a while. But then it becomes more like "We''re a team and we''ve made the best decisions for us, even though sometimes I don''t feel right about how little I contribute to us financially." My DH and I have discussed this extensively, before and after each decision, and he told me something during one of those discussions that I think of every time I feel uncomfortable with the situation we''re in; he said something like "I''d rather you make nothing and be fulfilled than make a lot of money and be miserable, because when you are happy I can do my job better because I''m not having to worry about your discontent and I can focus on my job." My guess is your boyfriend feels the same.

I''m really glad my ramblings helped you consider doing something that was on the backburner. I never thought I''d be earning a Master''s degree, it seemed so abstract, but now that I''m almost through I can''t imagine not having gone through the process.

As I said, it''s certainly not always easy, especially for someone who has a strong sense of independence (I had decided, prior to meeting DH, that I was perfectly content never getting married so the idea of moving for a guy and becoming totally financially dependent on him was about as foreign a concept for me as possible!). But it really has been an amazing thing for our relationship as we have grown so entertwined because of it.

Keep us posted. I''ll be excited to hear about your journey, whether your BF takes the job or not.

Kimberly

P.S. I''m no linguist but I think twitterpated originates from Bambi. Owl tells Flower, Thumper, and Bambi about the meaning. I''m not a big Disney fan but it''s one of the most adorable set of lines in a movie. Here''s what he says: "Yes. Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime. For example: You''re walking along, minding your own business. You''re looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face. Woo-woo! You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head''s in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you''re walking on air. And then you know what? You''re knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head!"

 

[julabean]

Date: 4/15/2008 6:27:07 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I just wanted to post to say good luck to your boyfriend! Let us know how it goes!!

Also--it sounds like you both agree that this is what you want and that it''s about more than just this job. It''s about your quality of life, it''s about being closer to your families, it''s about getting out of a city that you don''t love. It doesn''t sound at all like you are giving something up for him, it sounds like you are making a joint decision to move in a direction that is better for both of you!

You are young and your career path is not even close to being set in stone. If your current company really values you (and it sounds like they do!) then they will want to do what is best for both of you--they get to keep you as an employee and you get to transfer. If for any reason they aren''t keen on the option, then view this as a fabulous opportunity for you to explore other options--especially if your current job is your first job after college. You may find something you love even more!

I wish him luck tomorrow!!

I really have to agree with what NewEnglandLady said. DH and I got together my senior year of college - about a month AFTER I decided I was going to go abroad for two years or more. While at first we tried to take it "day by day," it was only a few short months after we got together that I knew I wasn''t going to be leaving. I was offered a position at the job I had during college - good experience and pay, to be sure, but not in my field and not really what I wanted to be doing. I had the choice - I could have left and ended things, picking the better career option, or I could stay. Well, obviously, I stayed. A lot of people in my life were unhappy with my decision, as they felt I was putting DH over my career and other opportunities. But as NewEnglandLady points out, my decision was so much more than just between my career and my (then) boyfriend. It was about being close to my family. It was about realizing that I could still DO things in my field through alternative routes. It was about doing some research into going to graduate school sooner rather than later. Two and a half years later, I''m still in the job that isn''t directly related to my field but has given me valuable experience. I will be hearing from graduate school any day now and will start in the fall (hopefully!). And I don''t regret "staying" (in your case, you would be "going") at all. It was the right decision for me, at that moment in time in my life, as well as being the right decision for "us." I stopped worrying about the hypothetical roads my life could have taken and took the road that life presented me. It definitely takes a moment, but it sounds like you''re getting there. As you said, "the right path will open up." And it will. And things will be okay. But beyond that, things will be really, really good.

 

[ringless]

Wow, what a great opportunity for you both. I would make the move with my bf in a heartbeat. If you know you want to marry him and spend the rest of your life with him this should be a no brainer. I know you are concerned about losing your job and everything, but if there is a possibility of you being able to transfer up to Northern Florida, then that would be amazing. You might also find a new, better job up there... you never know. It might be scary and a big change at first, but like you said there are a lot of pro's moving!

Since you posted that a couple days ago, do you know if he got the job yet? Let us know

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Thanks so much for the words everyone. It''s so nice just to hear re-assurance.

nclgirl, Good luck to your big move as well! It''s so nice that you already have a job lined up! My company may transfer me. They have an office up there and I know that one of the benefits of working for my company is that they are very accommodating in these situations if they can be. However, the budget cuts are extreme right now. And all of the jobs in my area of work (even with other agencies) are on a hiring freeze. So, it''s a yes and no. They WILL transfer me if there is a position open but I have to be prepared, in case that doesn''t happen. Also because it is a smaller town I there are not as many jobs in my field... so I know that will work against me. I’m going to try my hardest to transfer my job. My BF and I have already discussed that if he does get this job he will move up there in a small one bedroom until our lease is up here in Miami in September. That will give me quite a bit of time to apply for a transfer and see if something comes up before moving. Although... we will have to do the long distance thing for about 4 months. I figure I would rather wait and see as long as I can to see if I can find a job up there before moving. Then come September... with or without a job lined up I will move up there with him.

I talked to him about the grad school idea in case there are still hiring freezes in my field... he thinks it is a great idea and because we will only move if he will make our current joint income amount, he would be able to be the "sole breadwinner" when I am furthering my education.

New England Lady, You are right, it really is for the benefit of us. And I''m trying to be more open about the possibility of a different career. I just love this one so much. I still can''t believe that I do what I do everyday at my age. And to be honest I will miss the sense of accomplishment with my job. Thanks for the luck! We are leaving on Thursday night and driving up to north Florida after work (it is going to be a loooong night!) And he is going to drive to the office in the morning to check it out and "see how he likes the company" according to the head of the company. It really does sound like they are interested and it’s great that they see his potential. After law school didn''t work out he was very discouraged. Now he is really feeling great about himself especially when a company is so interested in him even though he is young. It really is a great opportunity. We will find out on Friday what their offer is... if there is an offer. I really hope that the income will be enough to make the decision easy. We have sat down and come up with a number that he will say yes to on the spot. If it is any less then that number he will tell them he needs to think about it and we will have to talk about it together. My fear is that after everything they will come down with a low offer and we will have to say no. That would really let the wind out of our sails.... but we will know soon enough! It’s hard to tell what we would need to survive up there and what the lest amount of money we would need to make the move worth while. The cost of living is SO much cheaper… we would have to really crunch some numbers if it is lower then our “dream” amount.

KimberlyH, I completely think that it is my strong sense of independence that is making this harder for me. I know what is the right decision but I like the feeling of accomplishing something so great on my own. It IS making it easier that my Boyfriend understands how important my job is for me and wants to make sure that this move will be worthwhile. I''ll definitely keep you posted. I''ll be out of town until Sunday, but if it is good news I''ll try to let you all know before I get back. He is so excited about this opportunity... I really hope it goes our way.

Julabean, WOW moving to Europe for two years! That was a huge sacrifice... I guess it is all worth it in the end right? It''s so great that you knew so early in your relationship. It is actually pretty similar to mine in that after 8 months of being together my BF got into law school and after talking about it I decided to move with him... which meant selling the house that I owned and moving away from my hometown. In the end it was a GREAT decision. I always knew I didn''t want to live in my home town forever and it was really hard to break away. I didn’t have a career then and knew that it was now or never. I wouldn''t change that decision for anything. AND it really helped solidify that we could make it through some big times in our lives with just each other and no safety net of our families.

Ringless, thanks for writing! It really is (or could be) a great opportunity for us. But it defiantly isn’t a "no brainer"... It is...in a way as I''m defiantly going to move with him but I would be lying to say that it is easy. I don''t know how I would get a better job in the new town as well.... I work in a specific sect of law enforcement and lets face it there is a lot of crime in Miami! haha So with this move even if I can transfer, I will not get the "same" kind of job. I''m ok with that though. Sometimes you just have to take one for the team. I just hope that if he gets the job, my transfer will go through... it will make it a lot easier for me. I wouldn''t have to worry about not being covered with health insurance. (yikes!)

Thanks again for all your thought-out replies ladies. It is so nice just be able to get my thoughts out in the open. I don''t want to put too much stress on my BF as the poor thing is stressed enough already! I''ll keep you updated and hopefully I will have some good news for you in the next few days…

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Well, we are heading out now. We will be driving all night and the FF will drive another 3 hours tomorrow morning to get to the town where the job is. Poor thing is going to be so tired at the end of tomorrow. We could definitely use some PS dust for tomorrow and the and the big salary talk. I''m so nervous and it''s not even me going in! Hopefully we will hear some good news tomorrow and we will finally have some idea of where our life will be heading! haha

whew... ok, here we go!

 

[Octavia]

Sending dust in your direction! Good luck to your BF, I hope everything goes well