I got into graduate school, but now what about the LIW status?

[pannini]

Well I got into graduate school after being waitlisted for about 4-5 months (talk about a Lady in Grad School Waiting!), and I am overjoyed! To think I had accepted my destiny to just try to find work in this economy, and then to be suprised with a phone call from the school's faculty to congratulate me early! I am going to start this Fall! Everything feels perfect. Boyfriend who loves me and intends to propose, grad school acceptance for the program of my dreams, and a healthy life. But then I started worrying.

I live in SF with my boyfriend, and we've just commissioned an ering for Leon Mege, and it's all falling into place. We planned that I'd just find work (when I wasn't going to school, things would run it's natural course, he'd surprise me with a proposal (still no clue when that will be), and we'd aim to get hitched in late 2010.

Now I am accepted into a school that will be about a 7-8 hour drive to southern California. I will be able to see him on occassional weekends and of course holidays/breaks. Call me crazy, but first thing I started wondering about is... the proposal and then future engagement. Has anyone been in this boat? Is it practical or do-able to have a wedding in the middle of someone's graduate career? Can it be done financially, and how? Can it be done with ample time to plan and make reservations and do all that crazy stuff while attending grad school, while maintaining a long distance engagement?!

I'd love to hear your tips and your personal experiences. I worry that we'll have to wait until I graduate, which would be TWO YEARS from now in late 2011?! I don't think I can wait that long of an engagement, but then again it doesn't matter as long as we are healthy and happy and together. Marriage can come later of course, I just feel the pressure of family, telling me I'm getting too old to be an LIW for this long (psssh whatever, I'm just 30, which is a great age to be).

 

[pluck15]

Congrats on being accepted!! That''s awesome for you

I''m not in grad school, and never went to grad school, but as far as the distance stuff goes, I''m pretty much in the same boat as you. My FF moved out to CA after college to be with me, and everything seemed perfect. But then my project at work changed and now I have to commute to Boise every week so I don''t see him very much any more. Sometimes we''ll have to go three weeks without seeing each other and it sucks. However, it seems as though your BF loves you as much as mine loves me and fully intends to pop the question someday. So I don''t think the distance will keep him from asking, it just may make him work a little harder to figure out a game plan

And planning a wedding from a distance and while busy...it will be tough, I''m trying to think about how I will do it myself. It may just require a little longer engagement...not such a bad thing. Just make sure he realizes that graduation is not something you care to wait on, and that you want to start your life with him asap!!! Make sure he knows you don''t want to wait for that diploma!!

Good luck, and congrats again!

 

[CurlySue]

Pannini - CONGRATS on your acceptance. That is such fantastic news!! Sounds like you have a lot of exciting things to look forward to over the next few years.

I don''t have any personal relevent experience with this, but I do know that most anything is possible, depending on your expectations.

I got my MBA in a full-time program several years ago, and I know of more than a few people who got married in the middle of the program. I also knew of one woman who was in a long-distance marriage for the two years she was in school. And then there were the ones who got engaged during our program and then married soon after they were back in the workforce full-time.

So, it just depends. I think you and your BF just need to understand what your priorities and limitations are. How did he react to the news that you were accepted?

 

[purselover]

Congratulations that''s awesome!! SO is in law school and we decided to get married with him still in school, b/c he''ll actually have more free time now (especially with 1L done!) then when he graduates and has to pass the bar, and work crazy hours. It also probably won''t look so great to start a job and then need time off right away even if it is to get married! Hmmm finances though, if we had to pay for everything ourselves (which thankfully we don''t) that would be tough, we''d probably just elope and then have a big party after school was done when our finances were in better shape.

 

[pannini]

Date: 6/19/2009 10:52:33 AM
Author: CurlySue


So, it just depends. I think you and your BF just need to understand what your priorities and limitations are. How did he react to the news that you were accepted?

Thanks CurlySue! Well, he is wonderful and has been so supportive and happy for me. We talked about how we should just take it one day at a time, and that school is the priority. He knows I like to think about 10 steps ahead of everything. It''s funny because he likes to be very pragmatic about these things, must be the engineer in him. I am just a struggling starving student-

 

[pannini]

Hi Pluck- well I think we''re in a similar boat, and when you get engaged you gotta let us know and I will hold your virtual hand throughout the engagement!

 

[choro72]

You said two years, so I'm assuming that it's a Master's program. If so, I suggest you wait until you finish graduate school. Master's program is more predictable in it's time line, and you most likely won't deviate from it. I thought I would never do a two years engagement, but I'm going to end up with one. It's actually not that long, especially with graduate school sucking my soul occupying my time.

If it's a PhD, you never know how long it's going to take, so I suggest you to just go ahead with the wedding. Just make sure you ask for a lot of help. Forget wedding etiquette. I'm not lifting a finger for our wedding; I have people do the venue search, invites, favors, and decorations for me. I decided that I would rather save my sanity than control the design of invites.

Oh man, I'm turning into the Grinch.

 

[pannini]

LOL Choro, thanks. I am doing a Masters, and I think you''re right. I can wait two years, and assuming engagement wouldn''t begin till the end of this year or beginning of next year, actual engagement will last less than two years-- like 15 months! Not too shabby.

 

[Squirrly]

congrats!

i have nothing to add schoolwise. but it sounds like you''re getting good advice

 

[mrscushion]

Congratulations on getting into graduate school -- that is huge!

I would wait till you''re done, too -- particularly if it''s only 15, max 18 months. That''s actually a really nice amount of time to plan a wedding, I think, particularly if you''re in school while planning.

For what it''s worth, I''ll be in a similar situation as you. I got engaged in February and will be separated for 10 months from FI starting this fall while I do a one-year graduate program. Then, we''re looking to get married the summer after I graduate.

I think it''s hard to be long-distance while you''re engaged, really hard at times, but plenty of people do it all the time. It can be done!

 

[rialaine]

We''re in the same boat-- sorta!!! lol.
I''m currently doing the long distance thing- but only for a few more weeks- then I''m back home!

I just finished my 1st semester of Grad School, projected graduation- next Dec. My FF and I are looking to move to an upscale suburb in the next year, we also have a 5 yr son. (FF''s from a previous "relationship") Soooo... financially, and time-wise, having a wedding while I am in Grad school is just not feasible. Not only are my classes difficult & time consuming, but I am a Graduate Assistant & spend a lot of extra hours on campus. I have no time for a regular job. My Grad Assistant position pays my tuition and a mere $300 every other week. When FF and I first started talking about marriage, I thought he would propose this fall/winter (I believe he thought so too) but after going ring shopping, we decided to wait until after we got settled into our new place next summer.

Its the smart thing to do, but that doesn''t make the wait any easier! lol. So trust me, I feel your pain--- and impatience!

 

[pannini]

congrats ms cushion! i'm sure we'll be sharing stories along the way.

ria- good luck! thanks for piping in too, i feel less lonely on this boat of ours now.

 

[lilmissrugger]

Congratulations on grad school!!! That''s terrific!!

And I''m sure it will all work out with the engagement- what are you going to grad school for?

 

[pannini]

Organizational Behavior (Psychology)!

 

[Squirrly]

Date: 6/19/2009 3:52:27 PM
Author: pannini
Organizational Behavior (Psychology)!

hehe i severely lack any such behaviors, well that''s what others would say. it either has to be 100% clean or not at all.

 

[misskitty]

Congrats at getting in!!

 

[HopeDream]

Pannini: Congratualtions on getting in to grad school! You must be so excited!!

Organizational behaviour eh?

Like how an organization (company/society etc.) functions? or How individuals organize their things (time, clutter etc.)?

HD

 

[Indylady]

Congratulations!! I am so happy for you!

I''m not totally on the same boat, but a similar one..I''m graduating early while my SO wants to stick around..and if I do graduate early, I''d go on to a grad school/law school/Fulbright/TFA/who knows, but more than likely would not be in the same city as him or even the same state. Its kind of freaking me out, but I''m going to wait until I actually get in somewhere to stress about it haha.

Its kind of scary, but I think you two can pull through, and its nice to know that the program has a foreseeable end to it!

 

[pannini]

I think I am getting really depressed about what may happen as we are apart. I heard that studying and missing someone you are used to living with for years do not go well together. I am getting anxiety over the success of my future in grad school and the overall happiness I may risk while going on a long distance relationship. Tonight I broke down crying- I think I was upset mostly over the fact that I should be happy for my acceptance into grad school, but I am really heartbroken that I will be apart from dear boyfriend for months at a time for the next two years. Things could be worse, I know, but it''s really causing me to freak out!

 

[sparklyheart]

Pannini, congrats on getting into grad school!!

I have mixed thoughts on the whole wedding in grad schol situation.. Grad school will keep you *very* busy with studying.. Busier than you ever think you will be!! If you work too, time is very limited. I live ten minutes away from my BF and I still only see him once (twice if I''m lucky!) a week. I do know several people though who planned weddings in grad school. It''s definitely possible and it may give you guys something to do together even though you are so far apart. If you are ok planning a wedding and all of that from a distance and during grad school then I wouldn''t hold off. Just know what you are getting into before you set a definite date. There is nothing wrong with going ahead and getting engaged and waiting though! Only you know what is best for you so I can''t really say either way.. Either way will be hard!

While you are away, just remember to keep the communication open between you and your BF. It really sucks to not be able to see him whenever you want, but for me, knowing that he would come see me if I would just stop studying for a minute,

that he 100% supports my grad school efforts, and that he has no hesitation when he says he wants to get married after I finish help A LOT.. knowing that even though I am not there all the time but he is understanding of that? It makes a difference! It sounds like your BF is the exact same way and that is amazing for you! It sounds like he wouldn''t mind being engaged for awhile if he is still going forward with the ring process, right? Just talk to him about it and figure out what works best for you guys! Good luck!!

 

[pannini]

sparklyheart, your advice is inspirational. i love it. thank you!

what are you studying at grad school?

masters or PhD?

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 6/21/2009 2:47:35 AM
Author: pannini
I think I am getting really depressed about what may happen as we are apart. I heard that studying and missing someone you are used to living with for years do not go well together. I am getting anxiety over the success of my future in grad school and the overall happiness I may risk while going on a long distance relationship. Tonight I broke down crying- I think I was upset mostly over the fact that I should be happy for my acceptance into grad school, but I am really heartbroken that I will be apart from dear boyfriend for months at a time for the next two years. Things could be worse, I know, but it''s really causing me to freak out!

I hear you, pannini. This is what happens nowadays as women go off and pursue studies and careers of their own. As I think I mentioned in an earlier post, I''m off to b-school, and, as an aside, it''s interesting to see how many wives and female partners move to accompany my male classmates, yet most of the women in my class in serious relationships are on their own.

I would say don''t worry about your success in graduate school. It''s more likely that you''ll get really into it -- you''ll be so immersed in the subject matter and surrounded by really interesting classmates, I''d be surprised if you didn''t feel like focusing on your studies.

And about your relationship -- well, as I said earlier, it will sometimes be pretty hard to do the long distance thing, but I would advise that you and your SO use the summer to really talk through strategies to bridge the time apart. I think getting video chat is an easy step and from past long distance experience, it makes SUCH a difference vs. talking on the phone without video. Having a regular check-in schedule that you stick to no matter what has also been helpful for me and FI in the past when we dated long distance. It made each of us feel like we were the #1 priority regardless of what else came up. Talking through ways in which you''ll deal with jealousy etc. ahead of time (before you leave) is another piece of advice. I would also try to be sure to share as much of your experience in graduate school as you can with your SO, so he feels like he''s a part of it, while at the same time showing real interest in whatever experiences he''s having. These are pretty basic things and probably nothing new to you, but I thought I''d throw them out anyway, for what it''s worth.

 

[pannini]

thank you mscushion.

it is interesting, isn't it? how many women will move for a man, but the men rarely move for the women. i feel the need to develop my career and his career is full motion. ah to wonder what life would've been like if i had majored in some sort of engineering as an undergrad, lol. i'd be like the bf right now, totally in his career.

i think skype cam is the way to go here, and regular scheduling for sure! with PS here, i can definitely vent and seek advice in times of complete helplessness. i am truly scared of being on my own again, it's been over 4 years since i've been like that. oh man....

 

[chiquitapet]

Congratulations on getting into grad school!!

I was in a similar boat 5 years ago. DH and I were in a long distance relationship (Canada vs Australia) and I got accepted into med school at the time (grad med school - so another 4 years of study). We have done our long-distance for 3 years at the time but we didn''t want to be apart anymore, so we got married during my 1st year of med school so that DH could get australian resident visa and stay permanently with me down-under.

So in my situation, I did get married during grad school, as it was the only way for us to be together. If I was you, and there are really no pressures on you to get married, I`d wait till you`re done with your Masters.

 

[Bia]

Pannini! Congrats on getting in!! WOOHOOOOOOOO!

 

[pannini]

thank you thank you!

 

[sparklyheart]

Date: 6/23/2009 1:38:16 AM
Author: pannini
sparklyheart, your advice is inspirational. i love it. thank you!

what are you studying at grad school?

masters or PhD?

Aww thank you

I''m working on my masters in nursing to be a pediatric nurse practitioner

Good luck!!!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Wow that's wonderful that you got into grad school. Congratulations to you!

As far as the engagement goes, would you want to wait instead of having a LDengagement?

 

[elation]

Date: 6/23/2009 3:17:08 AM
Author: pannini
thank you mscushion.


it is interesting, isn''t it? how many women will move for a man, but the men rarely move for the women.

Without agreeing with anything here... I think it''s probably just because men have traditionally been the ones to bring in the dough (and that they make more too =____ and women are likelier to be the ones who take the bigger career hit when a baby comes around... and then its on the guy to support his family.

However it''s probably best, as in most cases, if some real compromise was appreciated.

Anyway- big congratulations for getting into grad school! I love it when a girl makes an impressive space in the less-so-but-still-male-dominated career world! *clinks glass* I am in the engineering field myself, as is the BF, just that I''ve yet to graduate..