I feel like a crazy and horrible person

[MayFlowers]

I need to vent a little so hear me out please.

Last night one of my very best friends got engaged. I knew she would be getting engaged soon, but I always thought that I would be the first to get engaged. So, last night me and BF are out taking his mom to do some errands (since she doesn't have a car) and I get the text from my friend that she's engaged. Luckily his mom was in the store and we were just sitting in the car waiting for her. My first reaction to the text was not joy for one of my best friends, but sadness that I wasn't engaged. BF could tell something was bothering me and asked about it to which I replied that Mayflower's friend is engaged. He looked at me and said you're going to cry aren't you. Of course, this sent me to tears. I told him that it was just hard for me to see so many of my friends and acquaintances get engaged and get what I want. He told me that our friends' timelines have absolutely nothing to do with our timeline. I know this is absolutely true, but I'm just so frustrated!! I feel like our timeline just keeps getting pushed farther and farther away and it's not entirely BF's fault. I feel like a little baby and a horrible person right now because I feel like I'm just whining because I don't have what I want and I want it right now (this is why BF gets annoyed when I bring it up all the time). I want to be happy for my friend and I am, but I know it's not as much as I should be.

I'm just so ready to start our lives and I feel like I've been waiting forever! This has been one of my few crazy LIW freak outs. I know it will happen soon, I just expected it to happen by May and right now I feel like it won't. We are still looking at houses and as soon as I get a job, we will buy one (where depends on if he gets this new job or not). And I have already told him that I will not sign a mortgage with him unless we are engaged. So, we are looking at getting a house this summer, August/September at the latest. That's not too far away right?

 

[missy]

Hi Mayflowers,
I know that it is tough and that you want this to happen more quickly but hang in there. Sounds like it will definitely happen and it's jut a matter of time. And I know you are happy for your friend but it is disappointing for you because you want it to be you and your boyfriend who are celebrating your engagement.

Hang in there and make sure your friend knows you are happy for her. Share in her excitement for her so she knows you love her and try not to think about your timeline too much. It sounds like it will happen and a few months go by so fast. Time really does speed by. And stick to your resolve of not signing a mortgage till you are engaged. That is very sound advice you gave yourself. If your FI to be is ready to sign a mortgage with you he is ready for engagement! Good luck and be strong!

Hugs to you!

ps you are neither horrible nor crazy for feeling this way so don't be so hard on yourself girl!

 

[wwmd8118]

Mayflower, I can relate completely to your situation, and when it happened to me, I went through the exact same emotions - you are not crazy or horrible at all. And you are by no means alone.

My BF and I have been together for 4+ years and my two closest friends have been with their BFs for 1 year and 3 years. One of them got engaged 6 months ago and one got engaged 2 months ago. When the first got engaged, it was tough for me because it seemed so quick (they had been dating less than a year), and she and I had talked about my pending engagement and my potential wedding for years, longer than she had even known her BF. But the second one a couple months ago was really tough, and I think this is similar to what you're experiencing. It was hard for me because my BF and I had been talking about engagement and our timeline, so I truly felt like I would be next. So, when I got the call from her, I had the same emotional reaction - I cried, instead of feeling joy for her - and afterwards I felt selfish and horrible. But I think that range of emotions in these situations is perfectly normal.

You just have to be able to separate your disappointment that you're not engaged from your happiness for your friend's exciting time. Remember that these are two separate issues. My sister said something to me that stuck when I went through this - she said no matter what, this was my best friend's wedding and while it was ok for me to have other emotions about my situation, not to let it put a damper on this special time for her. So, just a word of advice from someone who totally understands and has been there - have a cry if you need it and don't beat yourself up over it BUT make sure you separate the two things in your mind so that you're able to be happy for your friend's engagement and not let this affect the way you treat her. I'm now planning the bridal shower and the bachelorette party, and while I'm still frustrated that I'm not engaged yet, I've managed to separate that frustration from my happiness for her, so I was able to dive head-first into planning her events without harboring any jealousy towards her.

So, you are definitely not alone and your feelings are perfectly normal. But your time is coming - it's just around the corner! Later on this year, you'll probably look back at this and laugh...or at least that's what my friends and sister tell me. Good luck and I'm sending dust your way!

 

[vintagelover229]

Hugs!
I understand how you feel! I got a vague time line when he told a close retiring coworker that he'd probably be engaged by march...and March is halfway done and I'm not feeling like an engagement will be in the next couple of weeks. We are still waiting on tax forms so I'm hoping that insuring the ring is being held off bc he's waiting for his tax refund (can't be sure though).

All of his friends are getting married and having kids as well as all my friends. It's so hard bc I've done everything I can to make it smooth for our relationship and he has the ring and everything and just WANT to be engaged already. I mean we know we are going to get married (both will admit it) so isn't that what being engaged is except you tell the world?

I'm sorry mayflowers, I know it's hard to wait I was hoping we'd be engaged on valentines day so we could get married this summer (had venues ideas picked out...have a dress although it needs alterations, even have his WB) but I've had to give up that fantasy just to keep my sanity and disappoitmemt in check. (although it may happen if venues have openings and if we get engaged in time, etc).

I hope that we both get engaged soon and this wait we will look back on and see how silly we were waiting like this lol.

There have Been 2 things said to me that's helped me. One is that I've already started my life with my bf even if we aren't married/engaged and the other Is that he gets to be my husband for a lifetime but only my bf for a little while. I need to cherish the time having a bf bc I'll never have one again!

I'm glad you told him you need to be engaged bc you sign a mortgage. I told SO he has to pay for my immigration fees if he wants me here but that'd I'd move to be with him. Which I've done and we need to get married before I can apply to immigration. Which is why I'm so anxious to get married. I'm on a visitors visa and can't work or do anything (even volunteer) but stuff at home. And my cars in storage for the winter. And after we apply (meaning after we are married) it's going to take another 5months to 2yrs to get my application results back. So yeah I'm ready to get that ball rolling lol.

Sorry I didn't mean to thread jack! I'm glad I'm
not alone with the way I feel. We got his godsons 2nd bday card in the mail yesterday and I got the look on my face (you know the one where everyone else is married/engaged/babies) and he made a comment JUST like your SO did about how everyones at different places in their lives and not to worry he will knock mr up in a few years lmao! At least I know where we stand lol!

 

[Attached]

I know exactly what you are going through. Before I got engaged about a week ago, my fiancee's brother got engaged a couple of weeks before us. When I first found out, I was devastated when I should have been happy for them, but I knew I couldn't show it because I just didn't want his family to know that I was jealous. The main reason I was upset was because they haven't been together that long. So, I've been in the same boat as you.

To start with it sounds like you have a very supportive boyfriend by your side. Your boyfriend is absolutely right, you guys have a timeline different from your friends. At least it sounds like your boyfriend does have a plan in place. Also, no August/September isn't that far off from now. It'll be here before you know it. Until then try to be happy for your best friend, which I know you are. So just hang in there. It'll be worth the wait. You time in the spotlight will come soon enough.

 

[faded264]

I'm in the same situation! My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He gave me a loose timeline (by the end of May), but I'm not sure if that's going to happen. Right after Christmas, his sister got engaged. They had only been dating for 10 months, and she's two years younger than us. He knew I was devastated and jealous. He started promising that we would get engaged soon, but the talk of that has really dropped off. I don't want to bring it up too often, so I'm not really sure where we're at right now in terms of being engaged soon or not.

Anyway, what really kind of pulled me together was talking to his sister. We were talking about her wedding plans one day and I kind of broke down (read: sobbed, lol). She said she knows it's hard for me, and she can't imagine why he's waiting, but just to hold out. She was so supportive and kind despite the fact that I was kind of putting a damper on her happiness (or I imagine I was). Just know that your friends love you and will be super happy when it's finally you that's engaged! Plus, you still get to experience the excitement leading up to and being engaged. For them, that excitement will probably have passed. Just enjoy this time and cherish every moment.

 

[MayFlowers]

Thank you all so much for the support! I was able to finally put things in perspective and I am really excited for her. I saw her this morning and I was just so happy for her! I hope that I will be happy *with* her soon, but I'm trying to just let things happen as they may.

I'm going to try to not bring it up as much anymore to BF. We both know what we want at this point and it's up to him now to decide when to propose. And really, there's not a thing I will be able to do to change his mind.

 

[audball]

You, Mayflowers, are neither crazy or horrible. Your time is coming (and very soon from the sounds of it)! Hang in there sweetie.

 

[TwinkleStar]

Hi May! Sorry I missed this earlier. You are not crazy or horrible! I definitely have or still feel that way, sometimes more than I want to! I just found out my parents helped my brother pay for his ring, although he doesn't know that they helped, he just thinks he got a great deal and won't stop talking about it! I'm sure he doesn't mean it, but I'm sure he's very unaware of how it makes me feel. I'm trying super hard to be genuinely happy and positive and have him enjoy his excitement - meaning not throw myself some pity party - but it is hard. When I'm alone, I feel it the most, and I hate myself for feeling this way.

You've got great perspective, and I think there will always be some wavering until it's your day, but as soon as it is, it will be perfect, and you will bask in the glow of your engagement and the warm well-wishes from your family and friends. You guys are so close to the big day, hang in there!!