I feel a * BREAKDOWN* coming on....

[aquarius_ser]

During this waiting period (since May 10) I''ve had good days and bad days. This week, it has turned to BAD everyday... I think this is now physically starting to affect me.

I''ve had trouble sleeping for the past two months, and two nights ago I did not sleep AT ALLl. Yes, I laid awake the entire night.... then last night, I had to move to the couch to fall asleep at 1 AM because all I kept thinking about is the ring. Does anyone else have this problem? I''ve also been in a very bad mood and mean to everyone: work, my parents, etc. Everyong but my FF. I don''t think I can hold out much longer. I feel at any point I could start crying and flip out.... Anyone else feel this BAD? I''ve had a stomach ache all day today... I think because I knew it wasn''t going to happen this weekend. We are going to a festival tomorrow w/friends and I know he won''t do it there....

I mean maybe if I was younger but I am 30 yrs old for Gods sake

I need some outside perspective here!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Oh Aquarius, you sound like me a bit over a month ago. I was *so* sure it was going to happen and I kept getting *so* upset it didn''t, and because of stupid outside-of-his-control things. I was tired from lack of sleep, all I thought about was the ring, the day he''d ask me, the rest of our lives, and on and on. I was jittery, easily upset at work, stayed off-task. It was bad.

I don''t know what changed things, but eventually I think I just fell into this realization that it *is* coming and my racing thoughts weren''t helping things, so I just tried to focus on the fact that I was blessed that I had met such a good man and that we''d built such a strong relationship. Sounds cheesy, and I do admit that for the past month every time we go anywhere even REMOTELY cute, I get butterflies and my mind gets to thinking, again.

One thing that helps is to ask him about what he''s thinking, doing, etc. It always relates back to me, and that makes me happy.

Hang in there! Do you have any ideas when it *might* happen? That''s helped me, even though it''s moved back several times now.

 

[sk8rjen]

I don''t have much to add since I posted about the same thing in another post recently ... I just went crazy. I thought once the ring was here and done being made I''d relax and enjoy the anticipation, but after the letdown of our trip, I just got upset. ALL the time. Like MAD> And I DID take it out on my (then BF) and was just a whiney brat. Sometimes I was a total angel. And it didn''t matter, b/c no matter HOW I acted, IT didn''t happen. He even asked me at one point if I was bipolar! No, I''m not lying, and I began to think that maybe I was! But seriously, now I am much better. This affects everyone differently, and considering we''d started looking at rings last summer and then seriously started shopping in November, I feel like it was an emotional roller-coaster ride. Lots of excitement (ups) and disappointment (downs --every holiday since last Thanksgiving!)

The payoff is that I am SUPER happy and get to finally feel that way without the burden of the wait. You too will get there, and I''m assuming that it IS worse with age (I''m 33) -- I know my fiance wants at least one biological child of his own and e couldn''t just wait on that forever! hee hee

Hang in girl, we''ve all been there to different degrees. That''s what we''re here for.
((hugs))
jen

 

[ladykemma]

he''s got the ring, what''s he waitn'' fer?

(sympathy frustration)

 

[aquarius_ser]

Last week he said Sept or Oct... Well, I completed crapped my pants.

I said "Are you kidding me" and some other things (nothing mean). He then said "maybe August"

It''s so ridiculous that I was giving waiting advice on this forum last week! No one should ever, ever listen to me!! I''m a COMPLETE MESS! My mom doesn''t ask me about it anymore, my co-workers don''t even bring it up anymore! I was SO excited before... now I''m literally starting to resent the whole situation. I mean it''s been in my house 8 weeks! I just need to vent so I don''t want to ruin the whole thing!!!

He told me he didn''t know how to propose last week so I gave him some low key suggestions... hoping it would be this weekend...

I keep looking at Laneys and PNP e-rings because it is very similar to theirs.... It''s driving me insane.
If my stomach felt better, I would make a stiff Cosmo right now.

 

[ladykemma]

what''s a cosmo? (says the recovering alcoholic

)

I think it''s time for some well placed tears. next time he pulls this sh%t, just start crying. (real crying, not manipulating crying) he needs to know what''s going on with you. no more "happy face".

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I think Paul didn''t *get* the frustration point, either. He still doesn''t. There is just something about KNOWING something is coming, and feeling, to a degree, that it''s sort of being dangled in front of you. I''ve cried. To him, to others. He hates that I cry, but he still has this danged *ideal* in mind. Do you think that part of what''s going on is him wanting the *ideal*? Or thinking you won''t be happy without the ideal, and not knowing how to attain it? Maybe if you can think of a friend he has who has recently married, or who just did a good job asking, you can ask him to talk to that person. I don''t know. Sometimes guys are so set on doing things their way, even when they don''t know what that way is.

I hope things calm down for you, girl. I know it goes in cycles, and I hope your cycle shifts soon. And I hope he gets an idea and uses it, too!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

He doesn''t know how to propose??? I remember that from your other thread...but are you kidding me??? Four words: will+you+marry+me. Not so difficult!!!!! I''m sorry Aquarius, I''m not even close and I''m already on the roller coaster. I hope it happens soon!

 

[aquarius_ser]

I didn''t want to cry to him about it but it''s going to happen... and it''s going to happen soon. I''ve been holding it back for 5 hours since I got home from work and I''m going to have to cut it loose soon. I can probably hold off until we go to bed but then it''s over.

I just didn''t want it to come to this.

I''m mean I feel like I''m begging for it???!!

UHHHHGGG!!! Sorry for being a pain...

 

[diamondseeker2006]

{{{{big hug}}}}

These guys do not get it. I have no idea what they are thinking. It doesn''t have to be some elaborate event to propose. Just go somewhere, look at the sunset, and say the 4 words, and hold out the ring! Long ago when I got engaged, my then bf could not wait to give me the ring! Once he had it he couldn''t hang on and wait for some romantic setting! He gave it to me in my apartment, and to this day, I remember that I had on a sweatshirt and jeans! Not very romantic! However, I was thrilled to have the ring because we would see old friends the next weekend and I would be able to show them my ring.

It was really long ago that Paul asked for help choosing a diamond and I wish he was still posting so I could tell him to HURRY UP!! Lol! And I''d tell your bf, too, aquarius!!! But hang on...August is really, really soon!!!

 

[galeteia]

I second ladykemma''s suggestion. High time he sees what his actions (or inaction) is costing you.

 

[ladykemma]

At this point if he pulls his head out of his @ss and proposes friday night or saturday, It's spoiled. Tell him what you want. He is not a mind reader. he doesn't know what to do.

wait til the tears pass, then , with still weepy eyes, but cheerfully, suggest "I want to go to to ___________ for fancy sunday brunch, have a nice meal, and then go for a long walk at ____________. How about then?"


edited to add: wait for an answer. if no, then ask him what his intentions are? just like in the old days.

 

[firebirdgold]

Go ahead and cry. He should know how you're truly feeling. I cried in front of my ff a couple of times and told him I felt like he was having second thoughts or had changed his mind. It didn't necessarily move things along but I certainly felt better afterwards. Please tell him how you feel!!

ETA: You have a totally valid grievance, you are not begging for the ring. You're upset because he has the ring yet is stalling on actually asking you. Really, I have no patience or understanding for guys who hold onto the ring.

 

[ladykemma]

indie how long did he drag it out?

 

[firebirdgold]

Once he had the ring it was very quick, just a week after I got back.

However he had actually asked me to marry him last freaking MAY, and wanted a couple of weeks before making it 'official'... then he wanted to ask me 'properly' with a ring. He had started saving money almost immediately but didn't tell me that until after.

I honestly thought he was going to propose any minute all of last summer and into the fall. Which is about when I lost it the first time.

The months rolled by and to me it felt like nothing was happening! Yet he had this whole thing in his head about making it romantic and since he was saving money (at what appeared to be a glacial pace) in his mind he was doing something about it. I think he was lying to me about how much he was saving since it turned out he had stopped saving months before buying the ring as he had hit what he thought would be a good budget.

I might have lost it here on PS about how he wasn't saving money and I felt less important to him than a new video game right about the time he stopped saving.

Ok, admittedly he did end up buying a beautiful ring I love and still had money leftover towards our mountain bikes.

He'd also had this timeline in his head that we wouldn't get engaged until a few months after his phd.

I swear, men must think we're mindreaders! They never bother to communicate this stuff!!

ETA: oh yeah, he told me that the ring was burning a hole in his pocket and that it was increadibly hard to last as long as my birthday. Hearing that made me very happy. I would have been just as upset as aquarius if he'd held on to it for 8 freaking weeks! If he'd done that to me without a good explanation I would have throttled him!
And I do know that my wait was painless and short compared to many LIW's.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 7/28/2006 9:46:53 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
{{{{big hug}}}}

These guys do not get it. I have no idea what they are thinking. It doesn''t have to be some elaborate event to propose. Just go somewhere, look at the sunset, and say the 4 words, and hold out the ring! Long ago when I got engaged, my then bf could not wait to give me the ring! Once he had it he couldn''t hang on and wait for some romantic setting! He gave it to me in my apartment, and to this day, I remember that I had on a sweatshirt and jeans! Not very romantic! However, I was thrilled to have the ring because we would see old friends the next weekend and I would be able to show them my ring.

It was really long ago that Paul asked for help choosing a diamond and I wish he was still posting so I could tell him to HURRY UP!! Lol! And I''d tell your bf, too, aquarius!!! But hang on...August is really, really soon!!!

I wish you could tell him to hurry up. As much as he wants to make it a surprise, it won''t happen. I think about it all the time, and instead, it''s hurting my spirit that it *feels* like he''s putting it off. I don''t like that variables like moving, me being sick, us going on vacation, etc. have put off something we BOTH want. I don''t understand, and it does hurt when I think about it in those terms. It''s hard *not* to question his desires when you look at it from that perspective. Argh! GRR!!

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 7/28/2006 11:02:31 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly

Date: 7/28/2006 9:46:53 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
{{{{big hug}}}}

These guys do not get it. I have no idea what they are thinking. It doesn't have to be some elaborate event to propose. Just go somewhere, look at the sunset, and say the 4 words, and hold out the ring! Long ago when I got engaged, my then bf could not wait to give me the ring! Once he had it he couldn't hang on and wait for some romantic setting! He gave it to me in my apartment, and to this day, I remember that I had on a sweatshirt and jeans! Not very romantic! However, I was thrilled to have the ring because we would see old friends the next weekend and I would be able to show them my ring.

It was really long ago that Paul asked for help choosing a diamond and I wish he was still posting so I could tell him to HURRY UP!! Lol! And I'd tell your bf, too, aquarius!!! But hang on...August is really, really soon!!!

I wish you could tell him to hurry up. As much as he wants to make it a surprise, it won't happen. I think about it all the time, and instead, it's hurting my spirit that it *feels* like he's putting it off. I don't like that variables like moving, me being sick, us going on vacation, etc. have put off something we BOTH want. I don't understand, and it does hurt when I think about it in those terms. It's hard *not* to question his desires when you look at it from that perspective. Argh! GRR!!

why do they think it has to be a surprise? rhetorical question. I think it should be by mutual consent not some freakin' surprise...

at this point a surprise is rather an anticlimax. the joy is depleting and anger and fear and powerlessness is building.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 7/28/2006 11:07:34 PM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 7/28/2006 11:02:31 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly

Date: 7/28/2006 9:46:53 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
{{{{big hug}}}}

These guys do not get it. I have no idea what they are thinking. It doesn''t have to be some elaborate event to propose. Just go somewhere, look at the sunset, and say the 4 words, and hold out the ring! Long ago when I got engaged, my then bf could not wait to give me the ring! Once he had it he couldn''t hang on and wait for some romantic setting! He gave it to me in my apartment, and to this day, I remember that I had on a sweatshirt and jeans! Not very romantic! However, I was thrilled to have the ring because we would see old friends the next weekend and I would be able to show them my ring.

It was really long ago that Paul asked for help choosing a diamond and I wish he was still posting so I could tell him to HURRY UP!! Lol! And I''d tell your bf, too, aquarius!!! But hang on...August is really, really soon!!!

I wish you could tell him to hurry up. As much as he wants to make it a surprise, it won''t happen. I think about it all the time, and instead, it''s hurting my spirit that it *feels* like he''s putting it off. I don''t like that variables like moving, me being sick, us going on vacation, etc. have put off something we BOTH want. I don''t understand, and it does hurt when I think about it in those terms. It''s hard *not* to question his desires when you look at it from that perspective. Argh! GRR!!

why do they think it has to be a surprise? rhetorical question. I think it should be by mutual consent not some freakin'' surprise...

at this point it is rather an anticlimax. the joy is depleting and anger and fear and powerlessness is building.

Exactly. My feelings are being hurt in the process. And I feel like an idiot every time anyone asks me and all i can say is, "um, sometime soon." Looks like I''m begging him. I have even had times where I''d not wanted to post here, cause I don''t want people who I don''t even know to think I''m wanting to marry a man who just isn''t that into me. It''s frustrating. Although I was doing really well two hours ago, now I''m not so much. The drama of it is getting to me.

 

[ladykemma]

i''m sorry, I did not mean to upset you. I was trying to get gut level "feelings" going in aquarius , but i triggered you too. poor baby!

 

[monarch64]

Hmmm, I''ve got to play devil''s advocate here (and you all are probably going to hate me) and say that maybe it''s just as hard on him to wait for the "RIGHT" moment to propose as it is for you to wait for the ring??? Possibility? I don''t begin to think I know enough about your situation, aquarius, to think that I might be right, but it''s just a thought that crossed my mind while reading your post. I know it''s hard to wait...I''ve been there! But can you find it within yourself to count your blessings that you are with a wonderful guy who cares about you very much and have some faith in him during the waiting period? I hope I''m not adding insult to injury here, believe me, I don''t mean to. I just thought I''d offer a different perspective. Hope everything starts to go well for you verrrrryyyyy sooon!!!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Fisher, we know very well that Paul is very committed to you! We aren''t questioning that at ALL. I just think guys do not understand how much it means to the girl to be engaged! ...to have the ring as a visible symbol of their commitment...the ability to really plan the wedding. He is very clueless as how hard it would be to get engaged in August and get married in October, unless it is very small. And it is really fun and exciting to just enjoy being engaged for awhile (however, I must make a disclaimer that we got married two months after getting engaged...so it can be done!) Lol!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I just find myself getting annoyed by such small things in him now, and yeah, I''d really love it if this phase would slide back into eager anticipation. The thing is, after so much build up, I don''t know how it goes back to peaceful waiting. Okay, maybe it was never exactly "peaceful waiting," but you know what I mean.

I agree with Monarch, too. Wow, I have a wonderful man who I have no doubt will love me and be there for me and be sensitive to me, for life. It''s a great blessing!

The thing is, that makes me want this all the more.

Interesting that you said that about him being annoyed by not having the *right* time, himself. He was talking about that the other day. He said that it was difficult for him to have this great plan in his head, and to then hear me say maybe I''d rather do something else, "just to get it done." He said that almost killed part of his spirit.

Aye, can''t win!

Anyway, I hope last night you were able to talk and at least make some headway, Aquarius_ser! I''m thinking about you now.

 

[FireGoddess]

I think guys have just been programmed by society to believe that women wanting the proposal to be GRANDIOSE is more important than them wanting it to happen NOW. Which is SOOOOOOOOO not the case but that''s not the message they''re bombarded with in every movie ever made. I know it''s frustrating...I hope you aren''t tortured much longer!!

 

[aquarius_ser]

UPDATE: Last night I managed to to take my mind off of it by watching a few episodes of Hogan knows Best until I fell asleep...
The BREAKDOWN came this morning. While I was cleaning, I quickly became NUTS again. I was crying

for about 20 minutes before he came down to the basement and saw me. He asked me "What''s wrong?" At that point I started bawling so hard I couldn''t talk.

I eventually got out "I don''t know why you''re doing this to me?" He said "What? What are you talking about?" I started bawling again...

"What?" HE HAD NO CLUE!!! I said "I feel like you''re holding it over my head or something."

I think at that point it hit him it was about the ring. He said, "I just want to make it special for you" I said "You''ve had it 8 weeks! You couldn''t think of something?" He didn''t say anything.... I said "Anything you do will be special because it''s coming from you. This is starting to consume my life, it''s all I think about" He really looked stunned. He had NO CLUE I was this upset!!!

He started helping me clean and nothing else was said... I went over my parents shortly after that. There hasn''t been much conversation today. I think he feels like an A$$hole. I think I made him feel bad. Now I feel bad!! I can''t win!!

I think this will definitely speed things up though... We''ll see!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

GOOD GIRL!!!!! You shouldn''t feel bad for telling him how you feel. I''d feel the same way, but I think most of us would agree that if you''re getting physically sick over this he needs to fix it. I hope it speeds up the process, and hopefully he''s really contemplating things now. He did help you clean, and it didn''t turn into a fight. I''m proud of you!!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Good. He needed to know how you were feeling. Now all guys in the world can be directed to this thread to help them understand how girls feel. Gosh, just take us to dinner and give us the ring!!!

 

[galeteia]

Luckily, no man who truly loves his lady can bear to see her cry.

Now he knows what the problem is, and he knows what it''s doing to you. Now things can move on-- there is nothing to feel badly about. It''s his turn! The easiest way for him to recover from feeling like a jerk is to move his kiester and get on with the proposal!

 

[sean_morrison44]

thought i should throw a guys opinion out there about this.

if it was me, the more you talk about it-the less i''d want to do right then. I''d want to do it when your wern''t thinking about it.
I woudlnt want you to be obsessed about it. I''d want your love to be for me, not for an item i bought for you.(we guys are not trying to buy your love, but make you truly love us)

And honestly, hearing you talking about it would push me away from you(like isolate myself). the obsession of hearing you talk about it, or hearing you trying to guess when it happens would make me change plans of when i was going to do it (back off longer -again the not in your mind thing)

anyways, i''m just one guy-but maybe that will help you understand whats going on in your guys mind (or he might have a different set of thoughts on it, who knows-hehe

well i know it is tough on you to waiting, but just try not to think about it, and goodluck!

-Sean

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 8/4/2006 11:42:14 AM
Author: sean_morrison44
thought i should throw a guys opinion out there about this.


if it was me, the more you talk about it-the less i''d want to do right then. I''d want to do it when your wern''t thinking about it.

I woudlnt want you to be obsessed about it. I''d want your love to be for me, not for an item i bought for you.(we guys are not trying to buy your love, but make you truly love us)


And honestly, hearing you talking about it would push me away from you(like isolate myself). the obsession of hearing you talk about it, or hearing you trying to guess when it happens would make me change plans of when i was going to do it (back off longer -again the not in your mind thing)


anyways, i''m just one guy-but maybe that will help you understand whats going on in your guys mind (or he might have a different set of thoughts on it, who knows-hehe

well i know it is tough on you to waiting, but just try not to think about it, and goodluck!


-Sean

While that''s a very good point and I know my fi doesn''t care for being pushed into things, in a way it does sort of backup a woman''s fears. Delays like aquarius has had make women worry that the guy is having doubts, after all it''s much easier to back out of getting married before the proposal. We worry that once the guy has physical possesion of the ring the whole getting engaged and getting married thing becomes so much more real and scary. Any guy who wonders if his future wife is more interested in the ring than him definitely has some sort of doubts.

Even though I am officially obsessed with jewelry, my fi never once thought I cared more about getting a diamond than becoming engaged. A fact that was confirmed when it took me at least five minutes of kissing him, bouncing, and squealing before I even looked at the ring.

Besides It sounds like she''s been good all this time and not fussed at him about it previously.

What women ideally want is a guy who gets the ring and is so excited and happy that he can barely wait for his ''planned'' date. It''s not about the ring and it''s not about the proposal. It''s about being finally and officially engaged to be married!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Date: 8/4/2006 11:42:14 AM
Author: sean_morrison44
thought i should throw a guys opinion out there about this.

if it was me, the more you talk about it-the less i''d want to do right then. I''d want to do it when your wern''t thinking about it.

I woudlnt want you to be obsessed about it. I''d want your love to be for me, not for an item i bought for you.(we guys are not trying to buy your love, but make you truly love us)

And honestly, hearing you talking about it would push me away from you(like isolate myself). the obsession of hearing you talk about it, or hearing you trying to guess when it happens would make me change plans of when i was going to do it (back off longer -again the not in your mind thing)

anyways, i''m just one guy-but maybe that will help you understand whats going on in your guys mind (or he might have a different set of thoughts on it, who knows-hehe

well i know it is tough on you to waiting, but just try not to think about it, and goodluck!

-Sean

Hi Sean! I completely understand where you''re coming from. If I were a guy and my girlfriend was obsessing about when I''d propose, I''d be put off too.
That being said, I don''t think guys always understand where we''re coming from either. I appreciate your perspective that you wouldn''t want your girlfriend to be obsessed about an upcoming proposal. However, I''d hope that you''d already know your girlfriend loves you, and not just love the thought of a ring. If you''re unsure about this, or any other motivation for your girlfriend to love you, you shouldn''t be proposing in the first place.
The reason we girls go absolutely crazy sometimes is because when we know a proposal is coming, we absolutely cannot wait! This is part of the reason some of us wish to be surprised...we know ourselves enough to try to spare everyone of the insanity if we know it''s coming!
Have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally? At the end, Harry says to Sally, "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." That''s pretty much how us girls feel! When we find out a proposal is coming soon, we want it to happen as soon as possible because once you utter those four magic words (among others) we cannot wait to plan a wedding whether it''s an extravagant affair or a trip to city hall. We can''t wait to spend the rest of our lives with the man we love!
Now, sadly some girls are only concerned with the ring and/or getting married. I can assure you this isn''t the norm!
Thank you so much for chiming in with your POV, I just hope you understand that not all of us girls (especially on PS) are impatient because we want something sparkly on our finger. We''re impatient because we can''t wait for forever!
Good luck on your upcoming marriage and again, thanks for chiming in!