I don''t want to hrut anyone, but.....

[Pushin40]

OK - so first it was a wedding in St Maarten in November.

Then it was Vegas in October.....

Now - looks like it will be in Mexico in November, Thanksgiving week. This is really what I want. It's my dream.

My sister, whom I'm not very close to, will have an issue with this because she feels she can't fly outside of the country (??) and told me I was selfish when I was considering St Maarten. She even told me that she coudln't be happy for me getting engaged because she was so angry with me. (Nice huh?)

But Vegas would be OK with her. I'm not really sure what her problem is but I know she HATES to fly and never does. And she would still have to fly to Vegas......

NO ONE has a problem with where I have my wedding, except her. The wedding will be small, just a few friends and FI's Mom....maybe 20-30 people tops.

I'm goigng to move forward with this plan but I still feel guitly. This thing is, over the weekend, I had an ache in my heart and I just knew I had to have our wedding on a beach, It's what I've always wanted. How can she think I'm selfish?

I don't want to hurt her, and she has already made it clear to me that its important to her that she be there. I guess I expect her to leave her comfort zone and just come.

It's hard to balance the "its your day " thing with the fact that she is my only sister, my parents are gone, and my family is basically nothing...but I can't let her drive the entire location. Right???

***sigh*** Thanks for letting me vent. I'm not looking forward to telling her what I've decided.

 

[dani2142]

Date: 1/4/2010 4:56:58 PM
Author:Pushin40
OK - so first it was a wedding in St Maarten in November.

Then it was Vegas in October.....

Now - looks like it will be in Mexico in November, Thanksgiving week. This is really what I want. It''s my dream.

My sister, whom I''m not very close to, will have an issue with this because she feels she can''t fly outside of the country (??) and told me I was selfish when I was considering St Maarten. She even told me that she coudln''t be happy for me gettigngengaged because she was so angry with me.

But Vegas would be OK with her. I''m not really sure what her problem is but I know she HATES to fly and never does. And she would still have to fly to Vegas......

NO ONE has a problem with where I have my wedding, except her. The wedding will be small, just a few friends and FI''s Mom....maybe 20-30 people tops.

I''m goigng to move forward with this plan but I still feel guitly. This thing is, over the weekend, I had an ache in my heart and I just knew I had to have our wedding on a beach, Its what I''ve always wanted. How can she think I''m selfish?

I don''t wnat to hurt her, and she has already made it clear to me that its important to her that she be there. I guess I expect her to leave her comfort zone and just come.

It''s hard to balance the ''its your day '' thing with the fact that she is my only sister, my paretns are gone, and my family is basically nothing...but I can''t let her drive the entire location. Right???

***sigh*** Thanks for letting me vent. I''m not looking forward to telling her what I''ve decided.

Do what you want. Honestly... it''s about YOU and your fiance''. No one else. I am getting married on the beach in about a month and cannot wait!!!!

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 1/4/2010 4:59:30 PM
Author: dani2142

Date: 1/4/2010 4:56:58 PM
Author:Pushin40
OK - so first it was a wedding in St Maarten in November.

Then it was Vegas in October.....

Now - looks like it will be in Mexico in November, Thanksgiving week. This is really what I want. It's my dream.

My sister, whom I'm not very close to, will have an issue with this because she feels she can't fly outside of the country (??) and told me I was selfish when I was considering St Maarten. She even told me that she coudln't be happy for me gettigngengaged because she was so angry with me.

But Vegas would be OK with her. I'm not really sure what her problem is but I know she HATES to fly and never does. And she would still have to fly to Vegas......

NO ONE has a problem with where I have my wedding, except her. The wedding will be small, just a few friends and FI's Mom....maybe 20-30 people tops.

I'm goigng to move forward with this plan but I still feel guitly. This thing is, over the weekend, I had an ache in my heart and I just knew I had to have our wedding on a beach, Its what I've always wanted. How can she think I'm selfish?

I don't wnat to hurt her, and she has already made it clear to me that its important to her that she be there. I guess I expect her to leave her comfort zone and just come.

It's hard to balance the 'its your day ' thing with the fact that she is my only sister, my paretns are gone, and my family is basically nothing...but I can't let her drive the entire location. Right???

***sigh*** Thanks for letting me vent. I'm not looking forward to telling her what I've decided.

Do what you want. Honestly... it's about YOU and your fiance'. No one else. I am getting married on the beach in about a month and cannot wait!!!!

Thats right! You must be so excited!

Did I tell you my cousin got married at Sandals Negril and I was the MOH? And FI was the BM!
I bet I did! It was SOOOO hot that afternoon, but it was super nice! They got married at the gazebo. Sandals puts on a nice wedding!

You are going to have a BLAST!!!!! And a nice honeymoon too!

 

[decodelighted]

Has she never been out of the country before? Her stance seems bizarre to me but yes you''re selfish AND HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE. Some kinds of selfishness are entirely reasonable. Why should her fear or reluctance trump your dream? As long as you''re ok with her not coming, party on. You also can''t control someone else or guilt them into attending something out of obligation. Would it feel good anyway? Hopefully she''ll come around & attend the fiesta.

Good luck!

 

[grace10209]

so you said she "can''t" fly outside the country? how come? does she not have a passport or something else?
if she is actually unable to fly outside the country - then i do think its selfish BUT if its just that she doesn''t want to, that is a different story.

 

[shertz1981]

Your wedding. Your choice. Period.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/4/2010 5:03:56 PM
Author: decodelighted
Has she never been out of the country before? Her stance seems bizarre to me but yes you''re selfish AND HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE. Some kinds of selfishness are entirely reasonable. Why should her fear or reluctance trump your dream? As long as you''re ok with her not coming, party on. You also can''t control someone else or guilt them into attending something out of obligation. Would it feel good anyway? Hopefully she''ll come around & attend the fiesta.

Good luck!

Ditto every word.

This is your dream, and you deserve it. You won''t be as excited planning any other wedding, and you deserve to be thrilled about your wedding.

If she doesn''t want to come, that''s her loss. You will have a beautiful wedding and be married to the man you love, and it will be fantastic.

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 1/4/2010 5:07:15 PM
Author: grace10209
so you said she ''can''t'' fly outside the country? how come? does she not have a passport or something else?
if she is actually unable to fly outside the country - then i do think its selfish BUT if its just that she doesn''t want to, that is a different story.

She CAN fly outside fo the country, it''s more like she WON''T. I think it may be if she doesn''t bring her kids then she is risking death and leaving them without parents (she''s paranoid like this). That type of thing, from what I can gather.

But honestly I don''t quite understand her, in general.

She can bring her kids to Mexico, no problem. I picked a kid friendly place. She never mentioned money either and this would be cheaper than Vegas.

 

[decodelighted]

Dumping your neurosis on other people & expecting them to center their plans around your own irrational desires ... THAT''s selfish.*

*(Am TOTALLY guilty of being selfish in exactly that way

-- but at least I''ve realized the error of my ways.

)

 

[grace10209]

ok so a few questions for you
1) has she flat out said there is NO WAY she will attend if its in another country?
2) what do you want more, having your wedding on the beach in the location you want? OR having her there?
if she refuses to go, which can you live without? her or the dream place?

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 1/4/2010 5:19:35 PM
Author: decodelighted
Dumping your neurosis on other people & expecting them to center their plans around your own irrational desires ... THAT''s selfish.*

*(Am TOTALLY guilty of being selfish in exactly that way

-- but at least I''ve realized the error of my ways.

)

You know what? You hit the nail RIGHT on the head.

She left me a sobbing message on my VM, at work, telling me all of this because it was important that I know how she "feels". I was shocked. I actually feel sorry for her (she stuggles with depression and anxiety) so I often feel like I need to sensor what I say to her because I''m stronger in a lot of ways.

Thanks ladies. I needed some positive affirmation.

I think i will contact the resort in Mexico right now.

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 1/4/2010 5:30:37 PM
Author: grace10209
ok so a few questions for you
1) has she flat out said there is NO WAY she will attend if its in another country?
2) what do you want more, having your wedding on the beach in the location you want? OR having her there?
if she refuses to go, which can you live without? her or the dream place?

1.) She never said flat out NO...
2.) From the beginning, I never expected her to come.... and would be totally OK with that. But it would be nice to bond with her.

 

[princesss]

So, have you picked a photographer yet? I dream about a beach wedding in Mexico (but it can't happen for me), and I'm totally in love with Elizabeth Medina. She took CDNinNYC's pictures and I think they're incredible.


(Also, be prepared for me to stalk your planning threads!)

 

[princessplease]

Your wedding. FI''s wedding. Your dreams. YOUR CASH. Plain and simple. YOUR wedding should be where YOU (and FI, of course) want. My family pushed and pushed for FI and I to have a DW, but our hearts weren''t in it AT ALL. I couldn''t imagine having to plan my wedding around what my family wanted, completely discounting my dreams and desires.

If your sister refuses to fly out of the country, I''d simple say this, "Ya know, sister, it will be upsetting to not have you there on the most important day of my life, but this is what we''re doing, and that''s the end of the story."

 

[nkarma]

I understand you being torn completely. My dream is to get married on the beach as well. At first my fiance''s family didn''t really want to travel at all and it hurt a lot because it''s what I have been dreaming and anything else will be a compromise. They ended up being fine with wedding in MX after some convincing. I too have only one sister and would be heart broken if she couldn''t come, to the point I would definitely consider another location. I know it was a tough choice for you, but you will always regret not having the beach wedding most likely and you can''t run your life on other people''s opinions. Your sis has a weird phobia that isn''t healthy, so I don''t see that you should accomodate that.

Also, I don''t know your sis, but I have seen what happens when people make plans based on others, they usually get slapped in the face. I see you making your wedding in Vegas and then she calls last minute and says she can''t get on the plane and then you did all that for nothing. Just be as kind to her as you can. She can have her wedding her way and you can have yours. If you wanted to you could also point out instead of you being selfish, she is being selfish by not coming because of an irrational fear and compromising because it is where you want to get married. If she doesn''t come, have a celebration with her if you can that does not involve flying.

LOVE St. Marteen btw. Was just there in June.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 1/4/2010 5:14:38 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 1/4/2010 5:07:15 PM
Author: grace10209
so you said she ''can''t'' fly outside the country? how come? does she not have a passport or something else?
if she is actually unable to fly outside the country - then i do think its selfish BUT if its just that she doesn''t want to, that is a different story.

She CAN fly outside fo the country, it''s more like she WON''T. I think it may be if she doesn''t bring her kids then she is risking death and leaving them without parents (she''s paranoid like this). That type of thing, from what I can gather.

But honestly I don''t quite understand her, in general.

She can bring her kids to Mexico, no problem. I picked a kid friendly place. She never mentioned money either and this would be cheaper than Vegas.

She is a billion times more likely to die driving to the airport, the grocery, the kids to school. I guess she should never leave the house.

 

[Prana]

I think deco hit it right on... why should HER fear trump YOUR dream? I think that you should use that weapon when you tell her. Make it her fault..........

Is she jealous or does she have ill feelings about your fiance? As your sister, she should be HAPPY and willing to do anything to make your dream come true, not saying things like that and trying to make you alter your plans to accomodate her.

 

[grace10209]

Date: 1/4/2010 5:35:34 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 1/4/2010 5:30:37 PM
Author: grace10209
ok so a few questions for you
1) has she flat out said there is NO WAY she will attend if its in another country?
2) what do you want more, having your wedding on the beach in the location you want? OR having her there?
if she refuses to go, which can you live without? her or the dream place?

1.) She never said flat out NO...
2.) From the beginning, I never expected her to come.... and would be totally OK with that. But it would be nice to bond with her.

OK, so here is my 2 cents.
if she never said flat out NO - then i would have it where you want it and tell her the details and that you really want her there
THEN - if she doesn''t come, you are "ok" as you didn''t expect her to come..... and you said you would be ok with it.
If you are "ok" with her not being there, then have it where you want it........................and maybe she''ll surprise you and come. i would be surprised if she didn''t.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

First of all , congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Second of all, it''s totally your decision and your wedding.

DH and I encountered a similar problem (his mom hasn''t flow since she was 6 months pregnant with him and his twin sister)...they live in Lousiana, we got married in PA (it''s a 2 and a half day drive...) most of his brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews had never flown and were freaked out. In addition it was a big financial burden for them.

We decided to get married in PA instead of Lousiana b/c it was important to us to get married in my hometown and my parents were hosting the wedding; however, we really wanted his family there so we did everything we could to help them...paid for all his neices and nephews transportation and attire, helped his sibilings book their tickets and rental cars (some flew, some took a 4 day train ride?!?!?!) and in the end it worked out.

If it''s a money thing, or an extreme fear thing, talk about it and see if you can work it out. If I had a sibiling who refused to come to my wedding jsut because I would have to say it''s their loss. A wedding is about you and your FI committing to spend the rest of your lives together, yes it also joins your families together, but you and your FI are the reason for that

 

[Kelli]

Ugh. Don''t let one person ruin your wedding. Do what YOU and your fiance want!

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Ditto to what most everyone else has said already! It is YOUR wedding...do what you and your man want to do. I''m getting married in Mexico, and I knew there was going to be some heming and hawing about it, but NOT MY PROBLEM. You really just have to be okay with folks not making it...I am.

My sister can also be a pain in the arse...she had the nerve to tell me that she has 4 weddings that she is in this year so she said I can''t have too many expectations of her. I gently had to remind her that one of these is the wedding of her ONLY sister!!!!!! HELLLLLOOOOOO!!!!!

So...on to planning your Mexican wedding!!! Where are you thinking of having it???

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I agree with the others. You should not have to compromise because of someone else and their issues.

 

[saster]

After wrestling with the location of our wedding for sometime, I came to realize that unfortunately, SOMEONE will always be unhappy about it!

We have quite a similar situation in that FH's stepdad is boycotting the wedding because its in Vancouver, yet he would have gone if it was in Northern California. The difference in flight time coming from where he lives roughly an hour, and the ticket is a few hundred dollars cheaper, so I fail to see how Vancouver is "just too much to ask". I mean, he'd even save money while he was there with the dollar exchange! I chalk it up to him having an unexplored fear of maple syrup and hockey lol However, it's my hometown and we both love it up there, so we finally put our feet down and said deal with it.

It wasn't an easy battle or choice, but now planning the wedding WE want, it seems worth it. And, everyone else is thrilled to go...

I'm sorry your sister is adding stress to what should be amazing. I also agree with nkarma, that if you base your plans on her, there are still no guarantee she will go to Vegas, anyways.

Your wedding will be gorgeous - wedding on a beach?! Sign me up!

I hope it all works out with your sister !

 

[Amanda.Rx]

You said that she battles with depression and anxiety? Does she have flight anxiety? My sister battles with this, and has flat out panic attacks (and if you''ve never had one- you honestly feel that you are going to die). Her palms get sweaty if she even DRIVES near an airport. Do you think that maybe that''s the reason she refuses to fly to an island? I know you said she would have to fly to Vegas too (but maybe she thinks she can drive it and this provides her some comfort).

It''s just one explanation why she may be behaving so strangely. Maybe you should talk to her and find out WHY she won''t fly to another country. There HAS to be an underlying reason, and I think she needs help.

But with regards to your situation, it depends on what you want. I would 100% choose for my only sister to be at my wedding and if she refuses to get on a plane, I don''t think I could force her to choose to skip my wedding or have a panic attack (both ways). However, I don''t know whether your sister is truly ill, or if she''s just being crazy. Only you can tell. However, I would talk to her out of concern.

 

[joelly]

Date: 1/4/2010 5:11:01 PM
Author: shertz1981
Your wedding. Your choice. Period.

Ditto!!!

 

[joelly]

Date: 1/4/2010 5:35:34 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 1/4/2010 5:30:37 PM
Author: grace10209
ok so a few questions for you
1) has she flat out said there is NO WAY she will attend if its in another country?
2) what do you want more, having your wedding on the beach in the location you want? OR having her there?
if she refuses to go, which can you live without? her or the dream place?

1.) She never said flat out NO...
2.) From the beginning, I never expected her to come.... and would be totally OK with that. But it would be nice to bond with her.

It will be difficult to try to bond with a selfish person. I am sorry that she has depressions. But IMO she makes it hard to be well. I think you are very good in trying to be a good sister but try not to sacrifice your own desires. Good luck!!!

 

[LilyKat]

Go where you want. You can''t please everyone, and this is just one person out of 20-30 (and someone you said you''re not even that close to, sister or not).

If your WHOLE family and all your friends were objecting, I''d advise you to reconsider. But one person? pfftt. (That was my noise of not caring

)

 

[mrscushion]

She''s just one person, and it may be her depression/anxiety speaking. Go with your Mexican wedding plans! It will be a gorgeous wedding!

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/5/2010 5:38:00 AM
Author: LilyKat
Go where you want. You can''t please everyone, and this is just one person out of 20-30 (and someone you said you''re not even that close to, sister or not).

If your WHOLE family and all your friends were objecting, I''d advise you to reconsider. But one person? pfftt. (That was my noise of not caring

)

I agree. Your sister sounds selfish. I wouldn''t let it put a damper on such a wonderful day for you and your FI. And selecting a location that you and your fi aren''t happy with to appease her... well honestly, she seems the kind of person who''ll complain about anything... so you''ll never win with her.

select your destination... and go with it. If she cannot be happy for you, that is her choice. And you know what... you''ll probably enjoy it more w/o her there - dampening the mood w/ her negativity. it is a happy day!

 

[zipzapgirl]

When you and your husband look back through your wedding pictures in 10 or 20 years, will you be sad that you didn''t have your sister there or that you didn''t get married on a beach?

By the way, there are some nice beaches in the USA as well. Any chance you could be happy with something here?