Wedding I dont want my friend to be my bridemaid !

[blissfulbride]

I''m about to send out save the dates. Should I still send her one and an invitation? I want her to be a guest if she wants, but I dont know how to tell her I dont want her to be in the wedding. She and I cant get along, and thats without the pressure of a crazy wedding day. My girlfriend told me that she was at the hair salon the other day and some girl was getting married and having her hair done. And while she was, she got a call from her MOH saying she wasn''t going to be able to make it to the church. The bride started to cry, and everything. I wouldn''t be surprised if she did something like that to me and thats when I realized the best way be avoid disappointment is this way.

What should I do ?

Thanks PS princesses

 

[doodle]

OH. MY. DOG. if i were that bride, i would''ve gotten out of the chair to track down my MOH and hit her with the claw end of a hammer!

sorry...i''m better now.

as for your situation, the point of attendants is to have the people you love and who love you to be there HELPING and SUPPORTING you, so if she''s not going to be capable of that, absolutely under no circumstances does she deserve the title. i went through this, too, so you''re not alone. i had the same three best friends throughout my entire childhood, but when we went to college, i grew apart from one of them, to the extent that, over the last two years, we had spoken to each other pretty much only on holidays when she was in town. whenever we did speak, it was always drama drama drama, and i just didn''t want to deal with it anymore. during that time, i had also become extremely close friends with another girl, so when it came time to select bridesmaids, i felt that including my old friend just based on history would''ve been wrong because i wouldn''t have been able to have my newer but much closer friend as a bridesmaid. i talked to my old friend about it directly and told her that i loved her and all the memories we shared meant a great deal to me but that our friendship wasn''t what it used to be, that we were no longer the same people, and i didn''t think it''d be fair to anyone involved, including her, to pretend that our relationship with each other was what it used to be. she was really upset about it, but she seems like she understood where i was coming from. also, since then, she''s really been making an effort to repair our friendship, so you never know. having a heart to heart with your friend about it isn''t necessarily going to be an all-around awful experience. if you don''t think she''s dependable or if you feel that she''ll be more trouble than anything else, i wouldn''t make her a bridesmaid, but if you''d like to maintain a friendship with her down the road, you should invite her to the wedding, provided that you know she''d be a well-behaved guest! there''s a pretty thick line between not being a bridesmaid and not even being invited!

 

[Haven]

I think your "friend" will figure out that you don''t want her to be a bridesmaid when she doesn''t receive a request from you to stand up in the wedding. You don''t have to have a special conversation about it, simply don''t ask her.

If you have reservations about her now, DON''T have her in the bridal party, it will only be bad news. Trust me.

 

[neatfreak]

If you want her there as a guest, sure, send one! But don''t if you think it will add stress to your day instead of happiness if you invite her as a guest.

 

[musey]

Well, it's really pretty simple.

If she's very important to you, and you want her to stand up with you during your wedding, then ask her to be a bridesmaid. If you don't, don't ask her.

If you want her to be at your wedding, invite her. If you don't, don't invite her.


I guess I don't really understand the dilemma...

 

[waves044]

I think that the problem is that the BM was already asked... I think that it was blissful''s post awhile back about always arguing with her BM?

Blissful: I am sorry that this is happening to you. I think that if you demote her from being a bridesmaid, it will make the friendship worse than it already is. Is that a risk you are willing to take?

 

[musey]

Date: 5/28/2008 2:30:34 PM
Author: waves044
I think that the problem is that the BM was already asked... I think that it was blissful''s post awhile back about always arguing with her BM?

OHHHHHHHhhh that makes more sense!!

Yikes, tough situation... if she was already formally asked, I wouldn''t be able to take it back, personally

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/28/2008 2:39:08 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/28/2008 2:30:34 PM
Author: waves044
I think that the problem is that the BM was already asked... I think that it was blissful''s post awhile back about always arguing with her BM?

OHHHHHHHhhh that makes more sense!!

Yikes, tough situation... if she was already formally asked, I wouldn''t be able to take it back, personally

Aaah, yes, this does make more sense now. That detail wasn''t clear from the original post.
I also would not be able to take it back. If you really want her out of the bridal party Blissful, I''d set up a lunch date and do it in person. And in public, that way she can''t cause a scene.

 

[blissfulbride]

When I decided to have her in my wedding I thought It would be a great idea, and now I regret it. I would hope she would get the hint when I stop speaking to her completely. I am so upset with her, and sick of her. That I can''t help but feel like she isn''t even worth me going out of my way to tell her. I don''t want to sound so mean, but she has gotten me to this point. This is the most toxic friendship I have ever been in. She is never happy for me when I have been nothing but a great sweet friend to her. I don''t deserve everything she has done to me, and all my friends and family tell me to cut her off completely.

Can''t I just send her an e-mail or a card?

 

[Haven]

Oh honey, I''m sorry you''re in such a bind.

Generally I''d say that you should really meet in person to have this conversation, but it sounds like that might make things worse for you. Toxic friendships are really harmful, and I think you need to protect yourself from them. You can do whatever you feel most comfortable doing in order to tell her you no longer want her in the wedding--if that means sending an email, by all means send it so you can start feeling better as soon as possible.

Big hugs!

 

[blissfulbride]

Oh thank you so much ! im so stressed out about it. I''m trying not to give her importants, but I dont want things to get ugly.( I know they will) What make matter worse is that we share friends. I have till september to hold off on the email, till we have to go shopping for dresses.

 

[IWantAMilkshake]

This is just my two cents....and believe me I understand what you''re going through because I''ve lost a BM....but you really should speak with her. If you do, then you''ll know you''ve done the right thing, taken the high road, and can better control the desired outcome. If you don''t, you will be haunted by what might happen and will feel badly that it''s hanging over your head. Even if she''s being crazy now, she was your friend at some point; talk to her and tell her how you feel.

 

[doodle]

i agree with milkshake. at one point, you were close enough to this girl to ask her to be in your wedding, so i think just sending her an email is kind of disrespectful. i understand that she hasn''t exactly been ideal either, but maybe there''s some reason behind her behavior?? i know in the case of my friend, she had absolutely no clue that i felt the way i did until i told her that i didn''t want her to be a bridesmaid. since then, she and i could''ve never spoken again, and that would''ve been fine with me at the time because i was that fed up with the turn things had taken. instead, she surprised me by showing me that our friendship meant a lot more to her than i thought it did. she''s done a 180 because my making such a drastic decision made her realize how negatively i viewed our relationship.

in your situation, talking to her may be hard, but it''ll only take maaaybe an hour of your time, and it''ll have one of two outcomes--either it''ll be a wakeup call for her to repair the damage she''s done, or she''ll blow up, thus proving to you that you made the right decision, and at that point, you don''t have to speak to her ever again if you don''t want to. telling her how you feel about things may also make you feel better about the situation. when i talked to my friend, i made it a point to stay calm and collected no matter what she said (and in the heat of the moment, she did say some things that weren''t so nice, but i understood that she was upset, so i took things with a grain of salt, so to speak). afterwards, i was proud of myself for having maintained my cool while being honest with her, and i felt that i had done the kinder thing by being upfront. i also think my actions in the situation salvaged the friendship because i respected what we had shared enough to do a bit of dirty work. sending her an email would''ve been easier on me, but i think the easiest thing isn''t always the right thing to do. just my input, so you can feel free to ignore all that if you feel the need.

i wish you all the best in figuring out how to handle a difficult scenario!

 

[musey]

Date: 5/28/2008 5:20:01 PM
Author: doodle
in your situation, talking to her may be hard, but it''ll only take maaaybe an hour of your time, and it''ll have one of two outcomes--either it''ll be a wakeup call for her to repair the damage she''s done, or she''ll blow up, thus proving to you that you made the right decision, and at that point, you don''t have to speak to her ever again if you don''t want to.

I totally agree. Talking to her really is win-win for you, if you can muster the courage

 

[Harleigh]

I am so sorry blissful...I am dealing with my own bridal party issues, so I don''t know how much help I''ll be. I do think you need to be as direct as possible and tell her how you feel...she might make it easy on you and say she doesn''t want anything to do with the wedding after all, but if not, be honest with her.

Hugs!