I don''t get it.

[crossmyfingers]

What makes guys put off proposing?!

BF and I had this big talk about our future and engagement/marriage around a month ago and he said he wants to get married this year. He said we should start looking at rings. It was a great conversation and we were both really happy. And I am really freaking excited!!!

He actually told his parents a few days later that we are talking seriously about marriage and will be getting engaged soon - that is a BIG deal for him. I know he''s serious about all this.

I asked him a couple weeks after the talk if he wanted to go look at rings, since we were trying to come up with something to do for the day, and he said no. He said going and looking at rings in person, to him, is something you do when you know what you want and are probably going to buy one. He said he''d rather us look online sometime that week before we go look at any in person. I said I wouldn''t bring it up myself, but whichever day he wants to look, let me know and we''ll look online together. Well, the week came and went, and he''s not brought it up. We haven''t looked at all.

I know he is on board with this. I know he wants to propose. I know he wants to get married. I do know all that. He talks often about us being married and he is so sweet about it, and it''s obvious that he looks forward to it. I don''t understand what is holding him back. He seems to be ready, since he says he wants to get married this year. He has the money to buy a ring. He''s told me that he''s not waiting on anything in particular before he proposes. So I don''t get it. He says it scares him, which is understandable - but he wants this to happen, so what''s with this procrastination?

I don''t mean to keep going on and on about a ring, but he won''t propose without one, and so for us to get married, this ring needs to happen, you know? Sorry for the disclaimer, but I feel like this post sounds really materialistic of me, and I don''t want to seem like that.

Uhmm... I don''t know where I''m going with all this. Feels like I''m just rambling, but I know some of you will read this and have something to say. I''m trying to get it all off my chest, I guess. Again, I am really thrilled about getting engaged and marrying BF, but this confuses me so much and I''m worried he''ll keep putting it off till it''s not feasible to get married this year. (And neither of us want to get married in fall/winter, so ''this year'' would mean September at the latest.) Thoughts? Any of you LIWs in the same situation? (Anyone else think of Jersey Shore now every time you hear the word ''situation''? Hehe.)

 

[stepcutgirl]

I've come to the conclusion that men think they walk into a store, buy the ring and it's a one hour transaction and boom it's done. I suppose some transactions happen that way, but not most. My FSIL just got engaged and her boyfriend was going to propose 3 months prior to when he did except that when he got the the jewelry store he realized he didn't want a straight off the rack option and he picked the beautiful ring that actually ended up changing my mind from wanting a halo to wanting a solitare. But that beautiful ring took 3 months to happen. He had no idea it wold take that long.

That finally opened my bf's eyes to the fact that you can't presto have it, especially when dealing with various vendors on the internet! We are currently waiting for my sapphire to be recut and sent to us and then to get it set and all of that will take at least two months! I'm so glad he finally listened to someone about how long it all really takes. But if it weren't for someone OTHER THAN ME telling him it takes a while he never would have listened.

Ok, I'm rambling and turning it into something about myself, but really I think most men are clueless about timing.

 

[crossmyfingers]

Haha, don''t worry about that, I hope more people turn this post into something about themselves!

Yeah, I really don''t think he realizes it might take longer than a single day. I tried to tell him that a while back but I don''t think he understood. I think it''ll be kind of funny if he finally does want to get a ring and it ends up taking a couple months... then HE can see what it''s like to be so impatient about it!

 

[AustenNut]

Sorry that things are a bit frustrating right now, Crossmyfingers. I would sit down and ask him if he''s still wants to marry you, and when he wants to marry. If he still says "by September 2010" then I would tell him how much time you need to plan. 6 months, 8 months, whatever. Also, tell him how long it''s going to take to do a ring. My boyfriend had been mentioning that we should go to the jewelry store, but didn''t necessarily have a fire lit under his behind. But when he found out it was going to take about 4 weeks (for the ring we wanted...we already had our stone) he was like, "We need to go to the store TODAY!" So that also helps. Also, if you have any friends who have recently become engaged (esp. if they had a long ring wait) have them talk to your boyfriend.

Must go, class is banging on the door!

 

[Maisie]

I bet if he was planning to buy a new tv or a play station he would be online right now doing lots of important research! Men are so different to women. On the other hand, he could be trying to surprise you with a ring. Some men like to go and buy the ring on their own.

I hope you get a fabulous proposal soon

 

[perfect10]

He will come around! My bf and i had talked about looking at rings in July/August and for whatever reason talking about getting engaged was about as far as we made it. Like you I didn''t want to go through an online site because i wanted to try on the setting and i wanted to narrow the settings down to two and let my bf decided. He kept dragging his feet about going and so I would show him different setting that I liked. And he wouldn''t really say anything. Then finally one Saturday a few weeks ago he was like lets go look at some settings. (Complete surprise to me) He took me to the store were we wanted to purchase the setting and we had a great time and found some settings we liked. When we left he told me the reason why he kept dragging his feet on the situation was because he was afraid they were going to pressure him into spending a lot more money than he wanted and that they were going to make him buy a ring on the spot. Once he realized this was not the case he said he wished he would have looked into it sooner. He didn''t realize that even if he had a found a ring he couldn''t have picked it up that day! I wonder why guys think this way!

I know it''s frustrating that no progress has been made, but he will come around! Just give it some time!!

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

Guys just really have no clue about planning. They think everything is gonna happen in a small time frame. You''ll go look for a ring, pick it out, and go home with it in one day and then in the next month plan and have the wedding lol. Just let him know (in a sort of off hand way if you''re worried about seeming pushy) that these things take time

 

[Loz88]

I know how frustrated you are! Except my BF and I don''t need to go ring shopping, I have the most beautiful 3 stone ring, and I have been waiting since i''d say November. I am actually going to end up being crazy by the end of it, I see my perfect ring everyday but sadly cannot wear it as I haven''t got the proposal.

My BF has stated that I have to wait till summer, but I don''t understand the wait, he wants to get engaged, married etc, we are coming up to our seven year anniversary this year, and I''m ready to literally tear my hair out I''m that frustrated GRR!!!

Sorry bit of a rant, but I totally understand how you feel crossmyfingers!

Hope this helps!

 

[crossmyfingers]

Thanks, ladies! You all made me feel quite a bit better. I casually brought up us getting married sometime this year to him last night - which he had said to begin with, remember - and he basically told me that it is freaking him out, that January flew by and that now that he realizes ''this year'' means, you know, THIS YEAR, it''s scary. Poor guy! I know he means well. We are still talking, trying to figure everything out. We don''t have any Valentine''s Day plans other than spending the day together, and I''m *really* hoping he might decide he wants to see some diamonds and settings online that day. I can dream, right?

 

[jewelz617]

In my experience "I''m scared" sometimes means "I''m not ready, stop pushing me."

That''s just in my experience. I have seen relationships end over ultimatums and time lines.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Looking at rings online is all very well and good, but you are not going to know what looks good on your finger until you actually go and try them on. If you are planning on picking out the ring together I suggest telling him that you have no intention of buying a ring on the first day of looking, and that you will probably need a few trips out to get an idea of what you would want and what looks good. You may very well find ''the one'' on the first day but it doesn''t mean that he has to buy it. Getting the ball rolling seems to be the hard part, so once you get him out there and he sees that its not the same as buying a pair of jeans, he might be more willing an open to looking some more.

 

[AustenNut]

From the sounds of your last post, it doesn''t seem as though your boyfriend is ready to get married yet. Have the two of you discussed getting engaged sooner, but then having a long engagement? Or do you only want to get engaged once y''all are ready to start the wedding preparations?

 

[crossmyfingers]

Thanks, the few of you that said it sounds like he isn''t ready. To me it seems like he is mostly ready, and I know I''ve really given you all an abridged version of his thoughts/actions lately. It seems like the reality of making a proposal happen (and really getting the ball rolling on the rest of our lives together) is what scares him. Getting married is obviously a huge change, and I think it''s understandable to be freaked out about it. But I know he is happy about it all, too.

I asked him today why he said he wanted to look at rings and then never mentioned it again. I wasn''t aggressive, but I told him that that seemed strange to me since he said he wanted to look online ''next week'' a few weeks ago. He said he thought I would just show him some sometime. I told him that seems like he doesn''t want to look at them, and that that worries me, and I asked if we should even bother looking at rings yet. He hugged me and told me that yes, we should, but that he wouldn''t know where to start if it was just him looking. (Uhm, PriceScope, duh!) It was a really great conversation, and if we had had time right then I know he would have looked at some with me.

Anyway, I guess we''ll be looking soon now. Yay!

I think I''ve decided this is pretty much my dream ring, with a round brilliant stone, not completely sure of the size but I''d be really happy with a .75ct, and ecstatic with a full carat.

 

[crossmyfingers]

Date: 2/6/2010 10:59:43 AM
Author: AustenNut
From the sounds of your last post, it doesn''t seem as though your boyfriend is ready to get married yet. Have the two of you discussed getting engaged sooner, but then having a long engagement? Or do you only want to get engaged once y''all are ready to start the wedding preparations?

He and I both want to have a short engagement, something like 4 or 5 months probably. We''re kind of at a catch-22 over that right now. He doesn''t want to set a date before we are engaged, but he wants an engagement of 6 months at the longest. (Planning won''t be too rushed, since we are basically eloping.) I''ve told him that us deciding on the season and year of our wedding before he proposes makes sense to me. He keeps bringing up a friend of ours who set his wedding date months before the wedding, and now is just a few weeks away from the wedding and still hasn''t proposed - BF definitely doesn''t want to do that, and I''m glad!