I do not know what do, please advice

[adviceplease]

I'm very confuse right now. I had been married for almost 4.8 years now, and almost 8 months separated. During my marriage my DH was a wonderful man, the best man in the world who I still love with all my heart. The main reason of our separation was because of me, I did not listen to his needs, I pressure him to get things done on my time not his, I disrespect him and I made mistakes that I regret. We did have so many good moment but rightly he walked away for me.

He moved away to a different state the day that he asked for a separation, we were supposed to move together but he decided to go on his own, a month later I went to look for him and he told me that he was seen someone else, someone that has broke his trust for some reasons. I was heart broken, because I thought we were just having a bump in the road.

Time and distance had been very helpful for me, to realize my mistakes. I had been in therapy for 6 months, I had learn so many things and I feel I had changed. I had been working really hard to make our relationship to work and to be a better person.

He and I had been keeping in touch since the day of our separation, he chat every day for at least 6 hours (Monday-Friday) from work, and we do at least once a week talk by phone and text almost daily. We saw each other on November, and he came to spent Christmas with me, and I went to visit him a week ago.

The problem is that he has not stopped seen that girl (almost 8 months now), and that kills me, he assured me that he is getting to her and getting to know me as well, that he is not committed with anybody. The main thing is that I feel that it is not OK, I feel so hurt by that and I decided to accept it because I would love to have the wonderful man he was back. Last weekend I flew to be with him, and before going to sleep he asked me if it was OK to call her, I was very hurt, and he became very upset, he thinks I'm not being respectful, I saw him texting her very often, and he went for walk to talk with her. She did not know I was with him that weekend.

I just do not know what to do, I told him that I needed to walk away, because I love him so much that this is killing me, but he thinks I'm being unfair, and I'm just so hurt and so scare, because I know walking away I will lose him. But I just cry every day and I just feel that I'm doing the wrong thing staying.

I just do not know if I'm being unfair by wanting a exclusivity giving the situation, please help.

 

[tammy77]

I understand that people handle things in different ways, but this man is still your husband and he knows it. I don't know the full story, but I think that there's a real possibility that you're being manipulated because no man that loves his wife and genuinely is working on his marriage is going to string her along and spend time texting back and forth with another woman when he's with his wife. Something is wrong here. That's my gut reaction, sorry.

 

[adviceplease]

Thank you tammy, In the past one of the main problems is that I will push him to do things at my speed not his, so now he feels I'm pressuring him to move to a speed he is not ready. I see where he is coming from, I just wish I could understand and be OK with that. I do understand what he is saying, I just do not feel comfortable doing it I feel conflicted if I'm really being pushing or if I'm just expressing my needs. I told him that I do not want him to change a thing in his life, and that if in the future he is single and I'm single I would love to date him, but that right now I can not date him giving the circumstances, but I'm just not able to make him understand how I feel without he feeling that I'm trying to be controlling. He feels that since we are just dating I'm over crossing my boundaries. I just want to be able to understand his point and express mine without he getting mad at me...

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

The problem is that he has not stopped seen that girl (almost 8 months now), and that kills me, he assured me that he is getting to her and getting to know me as well, that he is not committed with anybody. The main thing is that I feel that it is not OK, I feel so hurt by that and I decided to accept it because I would love to have the wonderful man he was back. Last weekend I flew to be with him, and before going to sleep he asked me if it was OK to call her, I was very hurt, and he became very upset, he thinks I'm not being respectful, I saw him texting her very often, and he went for walk to talk with her. She did not know I was with him that weekend.

I have to agree with Tammy on this one. He's a married man, he wants to date his wife and another woman at the same time? As well as keeping in contact with the other woman - who it seems like doesn't know about you still being around - and you're okay with this?

HE is the one who is not being respectful, NOT you. No marriage is perfect - but this is beyond the bounds of what a marriage should be, even when you're trying to work things out.

If you were my best friend, I would tell you to walk away and not look back. I know this is easier said than done, but you need to respect YOURSELF in this situation - not him and the girl on the side. If he's unwilling to stop seeing the other woman to try to work things out with you, I'd say it sounds like you're being used. Since you're in therapy - maybe it would be a good idea for the both of you to go together as well?

 

[vintagelover229]

HUGS!

I wanted to chime in here since my first marriage I made a ton of mistakes. The situation was bad to begin with-10.5 yr age difference between myself and him-I didn't know who I was and our personalities/needs in a partner weren't matched (hind sight is 20/20). We separated/divorced and then a few months later he wanted to date again (me) and I agreed to go on a date with him. He is very frugal and on our date I found out he had taken a first date to my favorite restaurant (that I used to get 50% off at and he'd still balk at the price-50-60.00 in total so ~80.00-100.00 + tip for the first date) there and didn't complain about paying full price. I was very upset-since I was his wife at one point and I had to beg him to take me there AND we got a discount

Anyways-I am now happily remarried-like you-I grew a LOT and realized I made many mistakes-I grew and changed and matured and even though I CAN SEE that it wouldn't have worked out no matter if I was this woman now with my ex-I couldn't help but think about how I could have done things differently and perhaps things would have been better. The fact of the matter is you now have history-some good-some bad-but unless he's seriously willing to let go of the old you (which btw couldn't have been to bad considering you were together a long time and he married you-cut yourself some slack-everyone makes mistakes-the point is you're supposed to grow and learn from them and many people don't-so your already head of most of the population) go along with the past mistakes and start a-new without harboring any resentments and without you feeling like you have to PROVE yourself on a daily basis and "earn" him back-it's not going to work.

You have already admitted your mistakes and have taken the necessary steps to improve your own mental/emotional health and have done your best to give him time/space to learn and grow. IMO you've been FAR to tolerant and he's acting like he's got free reign to date and then pick which ever basket suites him and he expects since YOU made mistakes that you have to tolerate it. You don't.

You're in a much healthier place now. I say if you want to see where things go with him-fine-but I also would go out and begin dating. You might be surprised at how refreshing it is to go out and meet other men-and now that you know yourself and what you need better you might even find someone who is more of a match than your ex and someone who you can start fresh with WHO WON'T date you and someone else at the same time. Date for fun-and don't be available at your ex's beck and call. I bet when he see's you happily dating other people and you don't NEED him and have OTHER OPTIONS that he'll think twice about his dating game and perhaps he'll be singing a different tune and back peddling himself.

Perhaps by then you'll realize you are okay with moving on yourself and if he does want you back-you can say no thank you-thank you for all the things you taught me and the time we shared but I think it's best we move on.

Maybe you'll get back together and go to therapy and this whole thing will have made you stronger. For some reason I don't think that's the case. I think you shouldn't be so tolerate of him calling other girls when he's "trying to get to know you and work on things" and why on EARTH would ANYONE be okay with leading someone else on-if he doesn't break you heart again-he's going to break hers. 8 months isn't a short term fling to get his willy wet-that's a longer term relationship that comes with expectations-and even if HE doesn't have them-SHE probably does-especially if she doesn't realize he's spending time with this WIFE and trying to PATCH THINGS UP. I'm sorry for the crude verbiage but I can't believe he's doing this-you deserve better-mistakes made in the past are THE PAST.

Go out with some girlfriends (if you have any-if you don't find a hobby that you enjoy and join a book club or a club with women who camp or whatever) and then see if there are any nice guys at a library or something that you can go on a date with. If you haven't already take your wedding ring off-and if he texts/calls you be doing something FOR YOURSELF and put HIM ON THE BACK BURNER. It's what he's done to you.

This is what I would do.

Write him a letter/email explaining that you realize that you made mistakes and that you should have treated him better. Say that you've gotten help and that you are no longer the same person and you've respected his right to need space/time to think/etc. but these mixed signals that you are getting from him via wanting to see where things go with you but NOT willing to break things off with the other girl is not only misleading to you and unfair-it's unfair to her as well. Tell him you'll be around to talk when he gets things figured out on his end-he has had the time to see that you've changed and are continuing to change and that you love him and would love to be together and work on your marriage but this back and fourth thing is to painful for you. Tell him that you understand that he just doesn't want to end a relationship that obsessively is important to him enough to continue it at the same time while trying to work on things with you and that you don't want to complicate the situation further and that you'll be there for him if he needs to talk-but until he makes a decision that you're going to do your own thing and continue to work on yourself and explore dating options too.

Do what's best for you at this point since he's caring more about his life currently instead of the importance of acknowledging the changes you've made and putting in equal effort into saving his marriage-no matter the hurt involved. Marriage is HARD WORK and if he'd rather bow out than give credit where credit is due-I'd rather find a man who is going to support me though thick and thin and not jump the gun by beginning another relationship before the last one ended.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[TooPatient]

HUGS!

I wanted to chime in here since my first marriage I made a ton of mistakes. The situation was bad to begin with-10.5 yr age difference between myself and him-I didn't know who I was and our personalities/needs in a partner weren't matched (hind sight is 20/20). We separated/divorced and then a few months later he wanted to date again (me) and I agreed to go on a date with him. He is very frugal and on our date I found out he had taken a first date to my favorite restaurant (that I used to get 50% off at and he'd still balk at the price-50-60.00 in total so ~80.00-100.00 + tip for the first date) there and didn't complain about paying full price. I was very upset-since I was his wife at one point and I had to beg him to take me there AND we got a discount

Anyways-I am now happily remarried-like you-I grew a LOT and realized I made many mistakes-I grew and changed and matured and even though I CAN SEE that it wouldn't have worked out no matter if I was this woman now with my ex-I couldn't help but think about how I could have done things differently and perhaps things would have been better. The fact of the matter is you now have history-some good-some bad-but unless he's seriously willing to let go of the old you (which btw couldn't have been to bad considering you were together a long time and he married you-cut yourself some slack-everyone makes mistakes-the point is you're supposed to grow and learn from them and many people don't-so your already head of most of the population) go along with the past mistakes and start a-new without harboring any resentments and without you feeling like you have to PROVE yourself on a daily basis and "earn" him back-it's not going to work.

You have already admitted your mistakes and have taken the necessary steps to improve your own mental/emotional health and have done your best to give him time/space to learn and grow. IMO you've been FAR to tolerant and he's acting like he's got free reign to date and then pick which ever basket suites him and he expects since YOU made mistakes that you have to tolerate it. You don't.

You're in a much healthier place now. I say if you want to see where things go with him-fine-but I also would go out and begin dating. You might be surprised at how refreshing it is to go out and meet other men-and now that you know yourself and what you need better you might even find someone who is more of a match than your ex and someone who you can start fresh with WHO WON'T date you and someone else at the same time. Date for fun-and don't be available at your ex's beck and call. I bet when he see's you happily dating other people and you don't NEED him and have OTHER OPTIONS that he'll think twice about his dating game and perhaps he'll be singing a different tune and back peddling himself.

Perhaps by then you'll realize you are okay with moving on yourself and if he does want you back-you can say no thank you-thank you for all the things you taught me and the time we shared but I think it's best we move on.

Maybe you'll get back together and go to therapy and this whole thing will have made you stronger. For some reason I don't think that's the case. I think you shouldn't be so tolerate of him calling other girls when he's "trying to get to know you and work on things" and why on EARTH would ANYONE be okay with leading someone else on-if he doesn't break you heart again-he's going to break hers. 8 months isn't a short term fling to get his willy wet-that's a longer term relationship that comes with expectations-and even if HE doesn't have them-SHE probably does-especially if she doesn't realize he's spending time with this WIFE and trying to PATCH THINGS UP. I'm sorry for the crude verbiage but I can't believe he's doing this-you deserve better-mistakes made in the past are THE PAST.

Go out with some girlfriends (if you have any-if you don't find a hobby that you enjoy and join a book club or a club with women who camp or whatever) and then see if there are any nice guys at a library or something that you can go on a date with. If you haven't already take your wedding ring off-and if he texts/calls you be doing something FOR YOURSELF and put HIM ON THE BACK BURNER. It's what he's done to you.

This is what I would do.

Write him a letter/email explaining that you realize that you made mistakes and that you should have treated him better. Say that you've gotten help and that you are no longer the same person and you've respected his right to need space/time to think/etc. but these mixed signals that you are getting from him via wanting to see where things go with you but NOT willing to break things off with the other girl is not only misleading to you and unfair-it's unfair to her as well. Tell him you'll be around to talk when he gets things figured out on his end-he has had the time to see that you've changed and are continuing to change and that you love him and would love to be together and work on your marriage but this back and fourth thing is to painful for you. Tell him that you understand that he just doesn't want to end a relationship that obsessively is important to him enough to continue it at the same time while trying to work on things with you and that you don't want to complicate the situation further and that you'll be there for him if he needs to talk-but until he makes a decision that you're going to do your own thing and continue to work on yourself and explore dating options too.

Do what's best for you at this point since he's caring more about his life currently instead of the importance of acknowledging the changes you've made and putting in equal effort into saving his marriage-no matter the hurt involved. Marriage is HARD WORK and if he'd rather bow out than give credit where credit is due-I'd rather find a man who is going to support me though thick and thin and not jump the gun by beginning another relationship before the last one ended.

Just my 2 cents.

This. Exactly right.


You are NOT the one disrespecting. You have been working on yourself and attempting to make your marriage work. HE is the one who is sleeping around (more than sleeping around -- he's in a relationship, not just a relationship but a SERIOUS relationship) and stringing you along (and her since it sounds like she doesn't know about you!).

I like VL's idea of spending time with your women friends. Find new hobbies that YOU enjoy. Go back to school and learn something new (even if it is just painting watercolors) just because YOU want to. Date men -- don't flaunt it at your ex, but don't hide it either.


Have you talked to your counselor about his seeing another woman? If you haven't, you should.

 

[adviceplease]

Thank you sweetjettagirl04 for your words, my friends think I´m not respecting myself, they think that I should had walked away long ago. But it is so hard because from 8 month ago to today our relationship has improved. When we separated 8 month ago he was so mad at me, 6 months ago he was willing to listen, 4 months ago he started being more open, 2 month ago we started dateing and since Christmas when we see each other we treat eachother as married. So I can see that we are moving forward. That is why I´m fighting so much with feeling disrespected. I know he is not being respectful, but I have the hope that all this could be over. Sometimes I feel I´m demanding so much when we just got back together over a month ago

Vintagelover, you had brought tear to my eyes. That is exactly how I feel, I feel that I´m paying every day for my mistakes of the past, I feel judged for everysingle thing I do and I feel I have to prove on a daily basis, He even tells me often that I have to earn his respect to be commited again. Whatever I do, even if is coming from a loving, respectuf, healthy place, he feels I´m controlling, judging, pushing. It is so hard to live that way, because It makes me doubt of my actions if I´m being fair and respectful or if I´m being pushing in controlling. That is why I posted this.

I feel the exact same way you do about his 8 month relationship, he keeps telling me that it is not serious, and when I told him that I wanted to walk away, but if one day he is single I would be here for him, he told me, I´m single . I do not understand why he feels that way.

Yesterday I told him, almost the same of what you suggested, he was so mad at me for giving me the oportunitty and now doing my thing. I did made the mistake to date someone right after I found out about the girl, 7 months ago, it last a couple of weeks, and I told him and he got so mad so I hide to him how far that relationship got saying that was only one date. He asked me again a week ago, so I told him the truth, he has asked me long ago and I was not honest because he had already asked for divorced, was with another women so I felt I did not have to tell him about that.

So I know I make mistakes, and so does him, what he does not want to understand is that I´m willing to do anything to change that, and to make our relationship work, he feels that giving me the opportunity to prove myself that I can be a better partner is giving a lot. I know it means a lot to him, but it is not enough for me.

My theraphyst know everything, and I can see in her eyes that she does not think is correct what he does, she does expressed that to actually work in our relationship we should stop seeing other people. Ofcourse she wants me to take my own decisions so she only guieds me. I had learn a lot from her.

I do know that what he is doing is wrong, I know that what I did in the past was wrong, I´m just so sad to see him go, mostly because things had improved, I feel like giving up just before getting our relationship back.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I can tell you love him, and that's why you keep going back. I'm glad you didn't think I was being harsh - but what I said was my gut reaction.

It's difficult to let anyone that you love go, and hindsight is always 20/20. It might not be the best situation for you to be in at this point since you're just getting to know yourself truly. You can't make yourself happy unless YOU are happy with yourself.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but clinging to what was there is only going to make things worse. At this point, you should set some boundaries for yourself - if he wants to date you, then set the expectation that you're going to be the only person he is dating instead of keeping you on the backburner or when he wants support. He sees you as comfortable, and you're willing to support him in whatever way he asks. Keeping this up will only lead to more hurt in the long run. If he wants to date you, then you need to work on your relationship exclusively. The man you were in love with is not who he is now. I hope with all my heart that if you do work things out, that you're able to trust him again. Really look at yourself, and him, and what YOU want. You deserve better than to be in this situation.

Big hugs to you


ETA - you're still married to him, you're not being demanding. You didn't just get back together, you were and still are his wife. You have every right to stand up for yourself.

 

[vintagelover229]

HUGS!

I'm so sorry that you are in pain and feel like you are giving up on a relationship-but I have to be honest with you-there isn't one there any more. He has a relationship with someone else and is debating on if your changes and actions are worth losing this new relationship over and if you're willing to work hard enough to earn him back.

I agree that you probably shouldn't have gone out and dated when you found out he was-but I did the EXACT SAME THING. He packed up my stuff and wanted a divorce and in my mind divorce wasn't an option. I wanted to try therapy (since I knew I was a mess-as was he) but when I came home to go to therapy (stayed with friends the night before) he was already up to see a LAWYER to make sure his assets were protected. In my mind that proved he cared more about his things than he did about making our relationship work and I was done.
If we couldn't get though whatever it was before kids-who's to say that a few years down the road with a couple of kids divorce still wouldn't have been an option for him when more bumps hit the road? I decided to count my losses (no friends or family in the state either-I was 19 when I moved there to be with him and 21 when things went down hill in a nano-second-3 car accidents in a 3 month period during this AND I was taking science courses in the summer to get ready to apply for a nursing program since it was the career HE wanted me to do since it was stable and made good money). So when I came and my stuff was packed I decided that I was going on a date with the first person I was attacked to-ironcially had the same job and the same name as my ex-and this person called when I happened to be with him (divorce had been filed at this point but not finalized) and he screamed THAT'S MY WIFE loud enough so he could hear It wasn't a good rest of the drive to say the least but in hind sight I was trying to make myself feel better by any means necessary-and you have every right to do that as well (healthy or not that's not the point-you were separated and he was dating so YOU have that a right and he has NO right to get upset with you-talk about double standard!)

I know it's painful but I honestly would tell him that you guys should stop working on your marriage until he figures out what he wants. If he wants to explore where this goes with the other lady-continue though with the divorce. If it's meant to be after that goes to the crapper and he's done some self searching he will man up-apologize for putting you though it and THANK YOU for giving him a chance to learn the hard way and try and court you again-and then you can try again from there.

Honestly though I would just grieve the loss of the marriage now-cuz the only thing your doing right now is continuing to postpone the pain and holding onto what could be-false hope and dragging yourself though all this "proving" for a whole lot of nothing-which in the long run will hurt you more since you didn't respect yourself enough to put your foot down and actually allowing yourself to grieve and get over him.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh-but I've been though a lot more than someone my age should ever have lived though and it pains me to see you in such a rock and a hard place. I know it's not easy to get over anyone-it feels like your very heart is being squeezed and you can't breath and think about how your going to live without this person-the thought of getting to know someone else-then meeting their friends and then their family-is all to much work and daunting when you already know your husbands friends/family.

But ask yourself this-if he isn't willing to grow and change with you NOW when he's still your husband and you're relationship/marriage isn't important enough to stop seeing someone he has not nearly the history with-what is to stop him in the future (if you do get back together) from just up and leaving again? That would kill you even more.

Count your blessings that you are seeing his true colors now. There are lots of great men out there-and even if he has some great amazing qualities if he loved you unconditionally he wouldn't EVER do this to you EVER. He's being very selfish and expecting you to do anything and everything to save your marriage but isn't willing to do the same himself.

There IS a man out there who will move heaven and earth to be with you and to make you happy NO MATTER WHAT. He will tell you he loves you so many times a day you can't count-he'll tell you that you're the most beautiful woman in the world-that he's so blessed to have you in his life and that he can't imagine a life with out you NO MATTER WHAT.

My husband and I have had our share of fights (mostly in the beginning when I was going though all my changing) but even during those fights it wasn't about either of us being right or getting our way-it was the fact that we were hurting each other and we were trying to figure out a way to communicate so that way we could STOP hurting each other. I would NEVER EVER EVER continue to do something I knew DIRECTLY CAUSED PAIN TO HIM EVER-since it's not worth it-be it a friendship or anything-and what your husband is doing to you with continuing this relationship is paining you to NO END and he can SEE THAT. He is making excuses for his actions by mutilating your feelings and by lying to himself to justify his actions.

Let her have him. You deserve so much better-even if it's hard to let it go.

 

[amc80]

I'll keep this short and sweet. Separated or not, he's still your husband. He is still married to you. And he's been dating someone for 8 monhs? Not cool. He is disrespecting and disobeying the vows he made to you. Personally, I wouldn't put up with that- I'd be gone.

 

[TooPatient]

You deserve better.

IF you were somehow back together today, would you ever be able to relax? Would you ever be able to let go of the experience of hitting a bump in the road (as all relationships do) and him giving up and walking away... to another woman? Would you ever feel comfortable disagreeing with his opinion or would you be afraid he'd leave -- again?
Would you ever be able to have an equal relationship -- a partnership in life -- or will HE be the one making all of the decisions for both of you because if you have an opinion of your own he might leave... again?

 

[iheartscience]

I'll keep this short and sweet. Separated or not, he's still your husband. He is still married to you. And he's been dating someone for 8 monhs? Not cool. He is disrespecting and disobeying the vows he made to you. Personally, I wouldn't put up with that- I'd be gone.

Yep.

 

[Enerchi]

wow, just wow.

Your story hit me quite close to my heart. Not an exact parallel, but I went thru similar stuff as a result of my own behaviour. That is too close to the bone...

A legal separation is not a licence for him to mess with your head - which is EXACTLY what he is doing. He's living a life with 2 women - sweet for him, but sucks for you. Does the other woman know of the progress you have made? Have you *really* made that progress or is that what you are hoping has happened?

I think you have done a TON of work (congratulations - I know the pain and growth that comes with this journey, I really do, so please accept my sincere congratulations for the work that you have done on yourself) but now - its time for him to grow up too.

It will be a tortuous hell to live thru but you have to put yourself first now. Back off - get involved like vintagelover said - anything to keep you busy. Put that phone/text/IM/email away. DO NOT BE THAT AVAILABLE to him until he has made his commitment back to you. Right now, he sees you practically begging to be together again - you are giving him power over you! Reclaim your own power! If this is going to be a 50/50 relationship, its time he puts in towards that 50%!

So easy for all of us 'cyber friends' to support you and give you advice, because we are not living what you are living, even tho a few of us have lived it, but it takes enormous strength to get thru this next part.

It will take every ounce of strength in your system to back off, but you need to in order to learn if he does want you or the other person ... or whatever his plans are. (yeah, didn't I just say how easy it was to give advice???) You can not make anyone love you and at this point, he doesn't have to 'earn' your love or respect because you are just handing it to him on a silver platter and he's walking all over you!!!!

Sweetie, been there/done that/survived, and I hope the best for you in your situation, too. No one knows what will happen but you have to be able to walk away from any given situation in life knowing you did your absolute best (which sounds like you've done a LOT of work here) and then, after you've done all you can do, it is up to the universe what plays out next. You can not control people, places or things.

This above all, is the mantra I try to live by---- you can not control people, places or things.

Adviceplease - (((((((( HUG HUG HUG))))))))

 

[tammy77]

Thank you sweetjettagirl04 for your words, my friends think I´m not respecting myself, they think that I should had walked away long ago. But it is so hard because from 8 month ago to today our relationship has improved. When we separated 8 month ago he was so mad at me, 6 months ago he was willing to listen, 4 months ago he started being more open, 2 month ago we started dateing and since Christmas when we see each other we treat eachother as married. So I can see that we are moving forward. That is why I´m fighting so much with feeling disrespected. I know he is not being respectful, but I have the hope that all this could be over. Sometimes I feel I´m demanding so much when we just got back together over a month ago

No. YOU treat him as married. He treats YOU like it's a no strings attached booty call. Worse, actually because at least a booty call doesn't call and txt other women at the same time! I hope that you can stand tall, stop being a doormat and tell him that you either want a divorce or for him to stop COMMITTING ADULTERY! Sorry, I'm just appalled at the line of BS he's gotten you to believe. It doesn't take 8 months for someone to decide whether they love their wife enough to stop breaking their wedding vows. He will also continue to do this pattern of having his cake and eating it too until YOU stop it. He can't possibly be an honorable person, I'm sorry.

ETA: A couple of questions - does he care if you see other people? Going back to that night before going to sleep, this you don't have to answer, but if he was intimate with you then asked to call her THEN got mad at you, he's nuts. Also, it's insane for him to hide his WIFE from his gf but not hide his gf from his wife. This whole thing is just incredibly unsettling.

 

[adviceplease]

Thank you sweetjettagirl04 for your words, my friends think I´m not respecting myself, they think that I should had walked away long ago. But it is so hard because from 8 month ago to today our relationship has improved. When we separated 8 month ago he was so mad at me, 6 months ago he was willing to listen, 4 months ago he started being more open, 2 month ago we started dateing and since Christmas when we see each other we treat eachother as married. So I can see that we are moving forward. That is why I´m fighting so much with feeling disrespected. I know he is not being respectful, but I have the hope that all this could be over. Sometimes I feel I´m demanding so much when we just got back together over a month ago

No. YOU treat him as married. He treats YOU like it's a no strings attached booty call. Worse, actually because at least a booty call doesn't call and txt other women at the same time! I hope that you can stand tall, stop being a doormat and tell him that you either want a divorce or for him to stop COMMITTING ADULTERY! Sorry, I'm just appalled at the line of BS he's gotten you to believe. It doesn't take 8 months for someone to decide whether they love their wife enough to stop breaking their wedding vows. He will also continue to do this pattern of having his cake and eating it too until YOU stop it. He can't possibly be an honorable person, I'm sorry.

ETA: A couple of questions - does he care if you see other people? Going back to that night before going to sleep, this you don't have to answer, but if he was intimate with you then asked to call her THEN got mad at you, he's nuts. Also, it's insane for him to hide his WIFE from his gf but not hide his gf from his wife. This whole thing is just incredibly unsettling.

Yes to all your questions. He told me that his relationship is not serious, so she does not need to know, but that what matters is that he is honest with me. But my gut tells me that he does not want to upset her, she called like 3 times and texted like 30 times, that is a relationship to me. I flew over 3000 miles, to see him just for over a day, so I did not wanted to ruin the few hours we were going to be together, so I just let that go. I think my mistake is that since I messed it up before, I feel I had to swallow all this, but the truth is that no matter what I did, this is not an acceptable way to do things. It is so hard to understand because he was the most respectful person I had ever met, so when he says I´m not being respectful it makes me doubt about what I´m doing.

 

[adviceplease]

amc80 and thing, I know what you mean. If it was my friend I would complitely tell them that. I just do not know what I do not listen to my own advice

Enerchi, thank you for your words, I do really feel I had made a huge progress, as a person and as a partner. He even agree that I´m a so much better listener, but that I need to keep working on my controlling. I´m not goning to denied that I feel that I have to have control to feel safe, but now I´m working on that, and accept and change the beheaviour when I know I´m doing it. I do feel as well that I improved so much with him. I used to asked him over and over in the past If i could visit him and he always said no, now he wanted to see me, he was affectionate, he has been making the effort to call me, is showing interest. So I really understand that since he was making such a big effor it is unfair for me to just walked away. But, at the same time, the closer we get, the more than upsets me to know that he does not want to be dating just me. I´m not asking for commitment or to be back as a husband and wife, I just to focus just in us and the closer we get, the more that it hurts.

When I was coming back from my trip I wish I had not gone there, I felt so sad, that I asked my self why I continious with the relationship if it brings to me so much more sadness than joy. Then is when I decided to walk away.

 

[indecisive]

I agree with Tammy and others. This is not an honorable man, a wonderful man, or the best man in the world. He could figure out if you can rebuild your relationship without seeing another woman. In fact he should be able to do that. If you hurt him so much he should have taken some time and decided if he wanted to rebuild or leave.

This in between is horrible. I can't even imagine and I feel terrible for you but you are letting him have all the power. Even if I cheated on my husband and was racked with guilt I would never let him do that to me and our marriage. If he decided to text his girlfriend and leave to be with her while I was visiting he would not be the man I loved anyway. He would know it would break my heart and your husband knows it is breaking your heart. If he refused to speak with you and got serious with another woman why on earth didn't he ask for a divorce first?

I agree with sweetjettagirl. Walk away and don't settle for someone who could say he loved you then treat you this way.

 

[movie zombie]

i can't get past the disrespect of asking you if it was ok to call her......
if that's a test, well, it says more about him than you and in my book HE did not pass....

cut off all contact. tell him to call you in 6 months after he's had time to think about it.
get yourself some more counseling and read WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.
do not return phone calls. do not text, etc. no contact is no contact.

get to know yourself better. think about the things you did right, not just the things you did wrong. my guess is that he's got control issues and he's able to control you emotionally [this is abusive] and he's able to have his girlfriend, too....all with your blessings.

i know what i'm saying is not easy. but no one will love you or treat you better than you love or treat yourself.
he is not a victim, you are.......

again, its bad enough that he texts and does these things in your view with her.....but he then thinks your controlling because when asked about him calling her you were honest?!

get some distance....and gain some perspective. its telling that your friends think you should have dumped him long ago........

sorry to be so blunt....he pisses me off. however, you can only be emotionally abused if you allow yourself to be and i think he's one manipulative SOB.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I'll have to agree with the other ladies, a married man has no business with a girlfriend . You are being used. And I am so very sorry.

 

[missy]

i can't get past the disrespect of asking you if it was ok to call her......
if that's a test, well, it says more about him than you and in my book HE did not pass....

cut off all contact. tell him to call you in 6 months after he's had time to think about it.
get yourself some more counseling and read WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.
do not return phone calls. do not text, etc. no contact is no contact.

get to know yourself better. think about the things you did right, not just the things you did wrong. my guess is that he's got control issues and he's able to control you emotionally [this is abusive] and he's able to have his girlfriend, too....all with your blessings.

i know what i'm saying is not easy. but no one will love you or treat you better than you love or treat yourself.
he is not a victim, you are.......

again, its bad enough that he texts and does these things in your view with her.....but he then thinks your controlling because when asked about him calling her you were honest?!

get some distance....and gain some perspective. its telling that your friends think you should have dumped him long ago........

sorry to be so blunt....he pisses me off. however, you can only be emotionally abused if you allow yourself to be and i think he's one manipulative SOB.

I am so sorry about what you are going through. I have to agree with the posters who think your husband is being manipulative and disrespectful. Under no circumstances is it OK to do what he is doing. If he wants to work on his relationship with you he has to stop "dating" anyone else. Period. He cannot "have his cake and eat it too". No one can know everything that is going on in someone else's relationship but from your description what is happening now is abusive and only you can put a stop to it. From my point of view he is being the controlling one now.

I might have missed this but have you considered couples counseling? I cannot imagine a psychologist/psychiatrist condoning this type of behavior. Not if you are trying to save your marriage. Marriage is based on trust, respect and love.

Wishing you the best of luck and the strength to walk away if that is what it takes to get into a healthier and emotionally stronger relationship with someone who deserves your love and trust and respect.

 

[Enerchi]

i can't get past the disrespect of asking you if it was ok to call her......
if that's a test, well, it says more about him than you and in my book HE did not pass....

cut off all contact. tell him to call you in 6 months after he's had time to think about it.
get yourself some more counseling and read WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.
do not return phone calls. do not text, etc. no contact is no contact.

get to know yourself better. think about the things you did right, not just the things you did wrong. my guess is that he's got control issues and he's able to control you emotionally [this is abusive] and he's able to have his girlfriend, too....all with your blessings.

i know what i'm saying is not easy. but no one will love you or treat you better than you love or treat yourself.
he is not a victim, you are.......

again, its bad enough that he texts and does these things in your view with her.....but he then thinks your controlling because when asked about him calling her you were honest?!

get some distance....and gain some perspective. its telling that your friends think you should have dumped him long ago........

sorry to be so blunt....he pisses me off. however, you can only be emotionally abused if you allow yourself to be and i think he's one manipulative SOB.

MZ is dead on the money here! THis is exactly what I was advised as well, and I know from experience, it is the HARDEST thing to walk away from something you want soooooo badly, but we have to let go and let the universe do its thing (not to be hokey about this...) but we can not control every aspect of our lives. Both you and he have mentioned control, so letting go is counter to our nature.

You have gained so much in your growth to this point. Don't lose it! Don't let it go so easily for someone who is not giving you the credit for all you've accomplished! You HAVE made changes - you HAVE grown. Don't forget that.

What has he done? (and again, we are in cyberspace and do not know the whole story or his side...) but to the observer, he is cheating on you, not willing to give up the 'freedom' of being able to date, not respecting you as his wife (if he really wants to reconcile) and giving the other woman more respect but contacting her when he's with you ("I don't want to hurt her feelings....???!!!" PUH-LEEZE!!! what about YOURS?!?!?!?!) This guy is pulling your chain, sweetie - he is! He has a wife AND a girlfriend - that his wife is allowing him to have!!! Come on - what exactly is his motivation for change here??? NOTHING!

We all see/hear what we want to see/hear, when we want to see/hear it. Please listen to your friends- they are emotionally removed from the heartache and they can be more objective.

I just wish you comfort and contentedness in your life. When I went thru my experience, I just wanted calmness at the end. I know I'm there now (yeah,ok, I'm a tad "up and down" due to hormones but overall, I'd consider myself calm now) It takes both people to want to mutually resolve and re commit. I hope that however it ends for you, you are happy and can live with the decision.

Good luck, adviceplease. Stay strong. Its ok to put yourself first.

 

[adviceplease]

I just wanted to thank everybody for taking the time to share and advised. Today in therapy I felt so good about my decision of walking away. I will read your words every time I feel I'm getting weak. I'm making the choice to do something to get our of this misery, I am joining Portuguese language classes, a politic club and just making the effort to see my girlfriends more.

Thank you, I really appreciated it.

 

[vintagelover229]

I just wanted to thank everybody for taking the time to share and advised. Today in therapy I felt so good about my decision of walking away. I will read your words every time I feel I'm getting weak. I'm making the choice to do something to get our of this misery, I am joining Portuguese language classes, a politic club and just making the effort to see my girlfriends more.

Thank you, I really appreciated it.

I'm so glad to hear that you are making plans to move forward! I know it's painful but in a year you'll look back and you'll be SO happy you did. I love your ideas of joining a few things and getting out with your gf's more.

I'm not sure if you have a ring but one good thing you could always do is sell the bling and take a wonderful vacation to some place and go have fun and relax and not think about things for a few days. They have GREAT travel deals on groupon.com if you want to check it out (selling the bling or not) to just get away for 3-4 days for yourself-many of them relaxing spa packages

We are here if you need to talk. HUGS!

 

[Enerchi]

I just wanted to thank everybody for taking the time to share and advised. Today in therapy I felt so good about my decision of walking away. I will read your words every time I feel I'm getting weak. I'm making the choice to do something to get our of this misery, I am joining Portuguese language classes, a politic club and just making the effort to see my girlfriends more.

Thank you, I really appreciated it.

Great news!!! I'm so glad you are doing this for yourself. Only you can make yourself happy and it sounds like you are taking those steps towards happiness!

Just like vintagelover said above, in a year from now, you will be so amazed at how far you have come and there will be a new perspective on this time. Good luck!!! Know that we are here and are thinking of you

 

[movie zombie]

i'm so glad you're moving forward! you're plans are excellent! keep busy and learning and doing things with people who appreciate you.
yes, re-read this thread when times get tough and lonely....and they will. there are always going to be days.....but you know what? those days get fewer and less often until one day you wake up and feel bad that you stayed "stuck" so long....just remember you are human and we human beings really do muck things up a bit sometimes. but we also have a capacity to learn and move on. and to stop feeling responsible for the actions of others.

again, congratulations for standing strong.

 

[bubbly1126]

when we see each other we treat eachother as married

Not true. He's still texting this woman. Talking about her with you. And probably thinking about her while he's telling you he loves you. This is not a marriage and certainly not treating you like his wife.

Get out now. You deserve a man who will work on your marriage WITH you. Dating someone else and working on a marriage do not go hand in hand. He is being disrespectful. And what's even worse is that he has YOU thinking that YOU are being the disrespectful one.

Do you value yourself? Do you love yourself? Do you want to be happy? Do you want to feel cared for?

Leave. And don't look back. You deserve all this and more. You just have to see it for yourself.

ETA***I didn't read the whole thread before posting... I'm proud of you!