I did as you ladies suggested...

[HaloBelle]

Well, I finally found a good moment, the perfect segway into conversation, and plucked up the courage to have a second conversation about timelines.

I took in all your advice ladies - and because of it, I am deeply satisfied.

As I mentioned last time - we had a not so perfect conversation about this a month or so ago. It just seemed like the BF just didn''t understand that I wasn''t trying to pressure him but rather figure out were he stood on his timeline (gasp ... if there was one). Well in the car, driving to my parents house, while discussing our very turbulent upcoming year we once again starting discussing the future. We always talk about the future together, but never that little step called engagement.

I am so happy to say that while I am impatiently waiting - we are mostly on the same page. He said that he knew I wasn''t trying to force him into proposing, I was just just trying to figure out if he thought about it. He said, "if you think you are the only one thinking about this all the time, you are crazy. Don''t worry about it, I think about it all the time."

As I have said before, he is old-fashioned and wants to be financially secure (in the sense of knowing where a paycheck will be coming from more than a month or two out, as in...a real job! scary.) before committing to engagement. When I non-chalantly mentioned I thought it would be cool to get married on our tenth anniversary he said - "Great, we have time. I graduate soon (masters), you want a 1 1/2 -2 yr engagement. That leaves a year - please, don''t worry about it."

He has never let me down before, I shouldn''t think he will now. He even knows I know what type of ring I want and asked to see an example.

Thank you so much ladies for encouraging me to try again after that disastrous first attempt at this conversation!!

 

[PrincessNatalie]

It is really good advice, I had never thought about putting it that way before either, and it lead to me having a discussion with BF that made me feel much better and indicated it is at most a year away, and we both feel the same about each other. We discussed expectations and I came to the realisation that while I expected a 2 – 3 year dating before taking the engagement step he was completely used to seeing friends date for 4 – 5 years before doing so, so now he is more aware of my expectations and I am more aware of his. Also he had been saying in previous conversations “I am not ready” and I had been interpreting it as he was not sure we wanted to marry me, and he did not know that’s what I thought he meant and had actually meant he wanted to feel a little more mature, stop smoking (he is has currently not had one for about a month and a half anyhow), and drinking on weekends so much, be more responsible with his money and all round feel like husband material first, his comment was not directed at me.

And he said he would not propose over the next few months (which I knew), probably not before the end of the year, but it will happen and not to stress.

On a side note: I kind of want it to happen at the end of the year while we are overseas on holiday in Thailand for Xmas and New years, but if not there is nothing I can do But it would be really romantic if he did. We are staying at this amazing hotel in Koh Samui for New Years and it would be absolutely perfect, but I guess we will see.

A couple of days later he also asked me to write down the rings I liked and I said “there is one really but I will email it to you”. So that has happened too now.

Now I feel a little bit more understanding of my own situation and in control (even if its only a little bit) and that has made all the difference to my mental space.

So, I would like to thank everyone too for their amazing advice

 

[HopeDream]

Jespere - It''s great that you''ve solidified a timeline withyour BF. Knowing how long to expect to wait really takes the edge off! you must be so happy!

PrincessNatalie - Isn''t it funny how unspoken expectations can be so different? I''m glad you and your BF are on the same page now.

 

[lilyfoot]

Yay, congrats to both of you ladies! Open and honest communication is seriously one of the most (possibly the most) important things in a relationship.

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

This is great news for both of you! You''ve really inspired me to talk to my bf (of 6 years) about a timeline. I know it''s a little ridiculous that it''s been this long without that talk but I''ve been so nervous to ask. The problem is I thought I could hint about being ready and then get a feel from him but he''s incredibly hard to read in this situation. I''ve been looking at rings in front of him and sometimes he''s interested and asks questions and sometimes he seems completely uninterested.

I do know that he wants to marry me and we''ve talked about the wedding even but, I really don''t know how to ask. I don''t want to sound pushy and that''s what is making me nervous. Oh well, I just need to bite the bullet and do it.

I''m really happy for you though!

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

jespere, I just noticed that you''ve been dating for 7 years so I don''t feel so bad now that it''s taken me so long to ask. Every relationship is different so timing is also different.

May I ask, how did you start the question? I really don''t know how to bring it up and like I said before, I don''t want to sound pushy.

 

[babycush]

What a great day for the LIWs! I''m so proud of all the ladies who made their voices and expectations heard.

 

[KittyGolightly]

Yay! I''m happy for you both.

 

[HaloBelle]

Date: 5/14/2010 12:21:58 PM
Author: Grlsbestfrnd
jespere, I just noticed that you''ve been dating for 7 years so I don''t feel so bad now that it''s taken me so long to ask. Every relationship is different so timing is also different.


May I ask, how did you start the question? I really don''t know how to bring it up and like I said before, I don''t want to sound pushy.

Grlsbestfriend,

We have been having a lot of future driven conversations lately because he is finishing up grad school and I may be starting (I took a year long job first). I pretty much just asked. Since we had talked about it before and it hadn''t gone so well, I asked that he please not say anything until I finished what I had to say. The key is be calm, collected and not sound like a crazy girl.

I started off with please do not look at this as pressure or me trying to force you into anything (he probably knew at this point what I was going to say but he was driving and therefore could not walk away!! haha) I just want to know that you are thinking about our future. I just want to know that we will be engaged sometime in the near future. lol I said, it is no secret that I think about it a lot. he said I know, I see it in your eyes everytime you mention another friend getting engaged. (I have a bit of a green eye when it comes to that...)

I don''t want to be that girl that dates the same guy for 10 years and then they break up. Where we weren''t seeing eye to eye was that he wanted to be a provider more than I thought was neccessary at this point in the relationship. I mean, we are only 23 and started dating at 16 ... our long time was neccessary. I was uneasy because I want a LONG engagement and that meant even if he proposed yesterday that we wouldn''t be getting married for at least 1.5 years. forever in my book.

So I said I don''t know, I thought it would be cool to get married on our tenth anniversary and he gave the answer I said before and made me SO happy. He said he has been talking to his bestie about it and the bestie fully supported his thoughts. He said it was more so that he wanted to have all his ducks in a row before making it a family and I can respect that. Like I said, I was just looking for some semblance of a timeline, anything would have made me happy and this was GREAT news. lol!!!

 

[mary poppins]

That''s great, Jespere. Communication is essential for any good relationship. With a SO, I always find that being direct, rather than hinting, works best. Sometimes it''s hard to do, but definitely worth the effort. I''m glad it worked for you so you have peace of mind and can look forward to your future together.

 

[HaloBelle]

Thank you so much ladies for the support, you have no idea how much easier it is simply knowing that i am NOT the only one in this relationship thinking about it.

This could be the year! or less, he graduates in august... (not getting my hopes up too high!!!!)

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

Wow jespere it''s pretty crazy how similar our situations are! Me and my bf started dating at 17 and we''re 23 now. I also want to have a long engagement. Somewhere between 1.5 to 2 years.

I really don''t have to know a specific date, just that he thinks about it and is actually planning on proposing sometime in the near future. I think it would take a lot of the anxiousness away to just know. Thank you for talking to me about it and congrats on your positive results of your talk!

P.S. Didn''t you say that your anniversary is this month? Mine is the 28th of this month.

 

[HaloBelle]

haha that is crazy! ours is the 24th!

Best of luck with your talk!! Just let him know you are sincerely not trying to force anything.

 

[PumpkinPie]

congratulations on having the talk and being on the same page as each other - that sounds like such a relief for you

 

[HaloBelle]

oh, it is. Thanks so much for your support!