I can''t stop thinking about this.

[Gypsy]

I don''t know why.

One of our friends just got divorced. They''d been together for such a long time, and have been married for the last 6 years. They have three kids. And I''m just... shocked.

Not because they were the perfect couple. They were a couple that seemed to be making it work, they were committed to each other, in love, but very different people who seemed to be right for each other.

I know that the reason they got divorced is money. The husband lost his job, which was a large part of his identity, a while back. And I know he''s been struggling. But well, they both come from parents who stayed married, through thick and thin. And I guess I never thought they''d divorce.

I just found out, but DH knew before the wedding and ''forgot'' to tell me, because he knew I''d freak.

We''re not pro-kid. But recently we''ve been thinking of having a child and for some reason this has completely thrown me for a loop. It''s really scared me. And I can''t seem to stop thinking about it.

I know I''ve seen posts were other''s have been shocked by friend''s divorces... I guess I just wanted to hear what you all have to say.

 

[neatfreak]

I think this just shows that you always need to make sure to be open and honest about money. It talks that''s for sure.

I''m sorry to hear about them...but I wouldn''t read into it, you don''t know what the real reasons are and/or if there are other circumstances. My guess is that there are.

 

[AmberGretchen]

As NF said, its so hard to know what''s really going on from the outside of a marriage.

I can see how it freaked you out, but I honestly believe that marriage is something that each person chooses to commit to continually, on a daily and sometimes even an hourly basis. And sometimes, for no reason that anyone can explain, one partner lets go of that commitment. Sometimes too, people just grow apart.

I think two things are important for peace of mind. One is accepting a certain amount of uncertainty in the future - you never know what might happen and how you or your spouse might react, but you also never know when you might step out your front door and get hit by the proverbial bus, if you know what I mean.

The second is knowing that you are 100% committed, every day, to make it work, and so is your DH. And that''s the absolute best that anyone can do or give.

You can drive yourself nuts worrying, but I really think it comes down to those two things, in the end.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 1/5/2009 9:05:57 PM
Author: AmberGretchen


I think two things are important for peace of mind. One is accepting a certain amount of uncertainty in the future - you never know what might happen and how you or your spouse might react, but you also never know when you might step out your front door and get hit by the proverbial bus, if you know what I mean.

The second is knowing that you are 100% committed, every day, to make it work, and so is your DH. And that''s the absolute best that anyone can do or give.

You can drive yourself nuts worrying, but I really think it comes down to those two things, in the end.

I''m giving the biggest AMEN I can muster to this.

There are no guarantees; just really educated guesses.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/5/2009 11:21:18 PM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 1/5/2009 9:05:57 PM
Author: AmberGretchen


I think two things are important for peace of mind. One is accepting a certain amount of uncertainty in the future - you never know what might happen and how you or your spouse might react, but you also never know when you might step out your front door and get hit by the proverbial bus, if you know what I mean.

The second is knowing that you are 100% committed, every day, to make it work, and so is your DH. And that''s the absolute best that anyone can do or give.

You can drive yourself nuts worrying, but I really think it comes down to those two things, in the end.

I''m giving the biggest AMEN I can muster to this.

There are no guarantees; just really educated guesses.

Another Amen from me.

 

[decodelighted]

Well, if divorce took as much prep as weddings, you''d be safe for sure!!!

Other people''s experiences stir up our own feelings. If you start to truly fixate on their situation, stop. Its your own feelings about permanence & relationships etc you should explore. Therapist blah blah. (You know the drill)

The other part. You never really know what''s going on in a relationship unless you''re in it. And even then sometimes you don''t know completely. They''ve probably been growing apart for a while now but putting on a good front. My own BFF went through this (13 yrs together/10yrs wed/childfree) about 2 yrs ago & is already practically engaged to a new dude. Ya just NEVER know. Things change. People change. Nothing is guaranteed ... including tomorrow.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

My dearest friend in the whole world is currently in the process of dissolving her marriage. Her husband is a loser with multiple addiction issues--everything from gambling to drugs and drinking--he''s managed for the last 5 years to pull her down into the muck with him...but as of recent, she has decided to leave him. They have a child, and for a while there, even with all of his problems, the marriage seemed to be working...but still waters run deep. So, even though I''ve been perfectly aware of their problems, yes, hearing that she had finally decided to leave was surprising to me.

Now, with that said, I was raised a little differently than you...both of my parents had been divorced before meeting and eventually marrying each other. So, I grew up always knowing that if, for some reason a marriage was "hurting" me as a person, leaving wasn''t the worst thing in the world, and I would be okay (maybe even better off) on the other side of things.

Over all, I believe that time changes people. Marriage works when two people grow and change together...but when life forces someone off in a different direction, case in point: your friends, I think a marriage can then become a ticking time bomb. The wife in this case doesn''t know the man she''s married to anymore...his job was his identity...losing that is losing part of himself. The husband probably is wrestling with failure, disappointment, and facing his fears....thats a lot to cope with. And the child will probably be better served being raised by two loving parents who are happily independant than two parents who are simply staying together for the sake of the kids. Happiness trumps everything.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/5/2009 11:35:54 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 1/5/2009 11:21:18 PM

Author: Allison D.

Date: 1/5/2009 9:05:57 PM

Author: AmberGretchen



I think two things are important for peace of mind. One is accepting a certain amount of uncertainty in the future - you never know what might happen and how you or your spouse might react, but you also never know when you might step out your front door and get hit by the proverbial bus, if you know what I mean.


The second is knowing that you are 100% committed, every day, to make it work, and so is your DH. And that''s the absolute best that anyone can do or give.


You can drive yourself nuts worrying, but I really think it comes down to those two things, in the end.

I''m giving the biggest AMEN I can muster to this.


There are no guarantees; just really educated guesses.

Another Amen from me.

Wow thanks you guys. I feel so smart

Seriously Gypsy honey, I know how you obsess about things because you know I am the same way, so I completely feel your pain here.

But I can honestly say you have a pretty amazing man there who is so deeply committed to you it strikes me each time I meet him. So if I were you I''d try to refocus some of that obsession on appreciating him and your marriage, and planning that honeymoon

 

[LaraOnline]

Marriage can be really boring. (although I hasten to add, there isn't a day goes by that I don't thank my man for marrying me, it is so much nicer FOR ME than just living together, in my view and experience)

But there are lots of reasons why marriages break up, apart from disasters such is drugs or irresponsibility.

Lack of imagination is one of those.

People can't be bothered adjusting to each other, and don't have the sense of humour to accept each other, sometimes...

Finances are another cause of problems.

We had a business go bad on us, and the pressure turned my adorable and loving husband into an uptight control freak (for a time). It was weird. It's kind of a 'kick the dog' thing. Nice people have to put up with all sorts of insults and stress in the workplace, and when they get home... sometimes they're a bit nasty to the ones they love - it's a stress release!

I think the long lead time between relationship initiation and marriage can also throw onlookers into a loop. Okay, so they were only married for six years.... but if they've been together for fifteen, perhaps they are really like a long-term married couple that needed some fresh air, perhaps even before they married...

It's hard not to take it on board when close friends break up, particularly if you somehow identify a part of yourself (and your own relationship) with them. But they are completely different people to you, with different backgrounds, relationship issues and issues.

Marriage rocks! Have faith in your own path, and all the best to the divorcing party as well...

 

[Gypsy]

Well I take it as a good sign that I forgot to check this thread today. I'm not fixating as much.

Amber what you said really struck a chord... not just in me, obviously. Sometimes on person, or both just decide to let go of that commitment. I think that's the part that had me fixating.

It took a lot of faith for me to get married. Most couples I knew growing up were either divorced, or frankly would have been if they were of a different generation. With one exception. My aunt and uncle. And I always thought they were an anomoly. But in meeting John and becoming a part of his life... well, my horizons were expanded.

This particular couple fascinated me, because they were a) the first couple whose wedding we attended and b) because you could see that they were making it, everyday. That they were together because they wanted to be, not because they were too lazy to leave. And then the kids.

I'm sure there is more to the story, as Neatfreak and Italia said. Also, time does change people a lot.

I'm not sure what I want SDL, but well... that's part of this, figuring that out. ((HUGS BACK)) thank you.

I do think, as Deco said, this is something to work through. Being married is... a little frightening for me at times. And yes Lara... boring too. LOL.

Just reading this, and also just having the time to adjust to the news, has helped tremendously. I think I'm going to make sure that my husband (still not used to calling him that

) knows that I do love him, and am committed. Amber is right, I have a very wonderful husband who is amazing and committed, I'm happy to say she has the same in her husband.

 

[Steel]

Date: 1/5/2009 8:40:34 PM
Author:Gypsy
But recently we''ve been thinking of having a child and for some reason this has completely thrown me for a loop. It''s really scared me. And I can''t seem to stop thinking about it.

Hi Gypsy,

I have do not have many married friends and have no firends that have diorced - so I cannot comment on that aspect.

But on the bit I quoted above I would like to say that in my own relationship I recently went from no kids, ever, never, not going to happen, forget it, ugh kids to well actually, I kinda think a child might be nice...maybe. This was a HUGE move for me. You may have seen, I had a topic which is kinda similar to this one recently which boiled down to the same point I think. When I took a mental step towards child(ren) I had to make sure that my marriage was secure and tried to ''future proof'' it. I felt crazy for a while but eventualy I agreed that I cannot control what happens. Make sure you are making the best decisions today and hopefully tomorrow will be good too.

 

[adrienneg]

Date: 1/5/2009 8:40:34 PM
Author:Gypsy
I don''t know why.

One of our friends just got divorced. They''d been together for such a long time, and have been married for the last 6 years. They have three kids. And I''m just... shocked.

Not because they were the perfect couple. They were a couple that seemed to be making it work, they were committed to each other, in love, but very different people who seemed to be right for each other.

I know that the reason they got divorced is money. The husband lost his job, which was a large part of his identity, a while back. And I know he''s been struggling. But well, they both come from parents who stayed married, through thick and thin. And I guess I never thought they''d divorce.

I just found out, but DH knew before the wedding and ''forgot'' to tell me, because he knew I''d freak.

We''re not pro-kid. But recently we''ve been thinking of having a child and for some reason this has completely thrown me for a loop. It''s really scared me. And I can''t seem to stop thinking about it.

I know I''ve seen posts were other''s have been shocked by friend''s divorces... I guess I just wanted to hear what you all have to say.

Hi,

Your relationship with your husband is different from your friend''s relationship with her husband. I think communication plays a big part in relationships and of course seeing things eye to eye. To me, marriage is a lifetime commitment and of course life throws curveballs at you, but it''s up to you to stay committed and make it work. When my husband and I decided to try for a baby, I made sure that we were where we wanted to be in life, good careers, financially stable as can be, house, etc etc. But even then, things changed. We both got laid off while I was on maternity leave because the companies we were working for shut down. We struggled REALLY hard but as a team, we stuck it out, sacraficed what we had to, and made it work. It is all about staying committed, communication and loving each other through the good and bad. Don''t let their situation change your mind about wanting to have kids. Even with everything we went through, it was worth it and I wouldn''t change anything in the world.

 

[mia1181]

Tuning in late, but Gypsy I know it seems so scary when you see a relationship that you thought was strong, fall apart. It makes you think "well if they couldn''t do it, who''s to say we can?" But as others have said, every relationship is different.

And having met John, I can say you two really come across as a great couple. He is such a sweet guy and you can really tell how devoted to you he is. It''s adorable!

And can I tell you that it did strike me that you two would make great parents? That thought definitely crossed my mind on it''s own. Not at all saying you should have kids, but I could definitely see it.

Oh and I have to say, I have gotten really used to saying "husband," but the other day I kept calling Aaron "FI" to other people. UGH!!!!! It''s so hard to make the switch after being engaged for so long!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/6/2009 11:13:10 PM
Author: Gypsy
Well I take it as a good sign that I forgot to check this thread today. I''m not fixating as much.


Amber what you said really struck a chord... not just in me, obviously. Sometimes on person, or both just decide to let go of that commitment. I think that''s the part that had me fixating.


It took a lot of faith for me to get married. Most couples I knew growing up were either divorced, or frankly would have been if they were of a different generation. With one exception. My aunt and uncle. And I always thought they were an anomoly. But in meeting John and becoming a part of his life... well, my horizons were expanded.


This particular couple fascinated me, because they were a) the first couple whose wedding we attended and b) because you could see that they were making it, everyday. That they were together because they wanted to be, not because they were too lazy to leave. And then the kids.


I''m sure there is more to the story, as Neatfreak and Italia said. Also, time does change people a lot.


I''m not sure what I want SDL, but well... that''s part of this, figuring that out. ((HUGS BACK)) thank you.


I do think, as Deco said, this is something to work through. Being married is... a little frightening for me at times. And yes Lara... boring too. LOL.


Just reading this, and also just having the time to adjust to the news, has helped tremendously. I think I''m going to make sure that my husband (still not used to calling him that

) knows that I do love him, and am committed. Amber is right, I have a very wonderful husband who is amazing and committed, I''m happy to say she has the same in her husband.

I''m so glad you are feeling a little better with some time to digest this news - its definitely a rough blow, but I think what you said is absolutely true, and should give you significant comfort (which it seems to be doing

)

 

[Haven]

I know I''m late, but I want to add something.

This has been a great thread. My father left my mom in September after 30 years of marriage. The day he announced this was almost exactly two months after my own wedding. It was also the day after my DH''s cousin and his cousin''s partner were killed in a horrible plane crash in Wisconsin. To top it all off, DH was stuck out of town for work during all of this. Needless to say, I felt like the whole world was falling to pieces around me.

I called my dear, sweet husband in Denver the day after this all happened, and he answered the phone to a sobbing, nearly hyperventilating wife. I was sure that getting married was a mistake. I was positive that he should get out now before he got in too deep. I told him that I was going to be useless, that I was now the product of divorce, that it was all wrong.

I was utterly and completely off my rocker.

DH stayed on the phone and soothed me until the sobbing subsided, and then came home. And then the shock wore off and I realized that I refuse to allow other people''s mistakes to become my own.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/8/2009 11:57:56 PM
Author: Haven
I know I''m late, but I want to add something.


This has been a great thread. My father left my mom in September after 30 years of marriage. The day he announced this was almost exactly two months after my own wedding. It was also the day after my DH''s cousin and his cousin''s partner were killed in a horrible plane crash in Wisconsin. To top it all off, DH was stuck out of town for work during all of this. Needless to say, I felt like the whole world was falling to pieces around me.


I called my dear, sweet husband in Denver the day after this all happened, and he answered the phone to a sobbing, nearly hyperventilating wife. I was sure that getting married was a mistake. I was positive that he should get out now before he got in too deep. I told him that I was going to be useless, that I was now the product of divorce, that it was all wrong.


I was utterly and completely off my rocker.


DH stayed on the phone and soothed me until the sobbing subsided, and then came home. And then the shock wore off and I realized that I refuse to allow other people''s mistakes to become my own.

Haven - I''m so sorry to hear about your parents and about your DH''s cousin and partner - that sounds like a really rough time for both of you.

Good for you for moving past it though, and recognizing the strength in your own marriage.

I know where you are coming from - my parents are HIGHLY dysfunctional people (7 marriages between the two of them), and I definitely have moments of wondering if I was crazy to ever get married. But I try to take it one day at a time when that comes on and remember how lucky I am to have all that I have, including my DH.

 

[purrfectpear]

Unfortunately I think about it everytime I read a post in LIW or BWW. Face it, for every three posters who are planning a wedding, sometime over the next 20 years or so, one of them is getting divorced. I think all you can do is try to keep your relationship healthy and communicate, communicate, communicate. After that, it''s just plain luck