I can''t believe I am SO peeved about this-

[ame]

Today was cake ordering day. Because of the way this particular Banquet Hall does things, they have a bakery that is pretty much exclusively used, one that I loathe with almost every fiber of my being...the locals in StL will knowit as McArthur''s. We were at the one on Lemay Ferry, for reference.

THEY SUCK. My appointment was at noon. They told us to come to the wedding area and check in when I made the appointment a month ago. I went over there, and waited...and waited...and waited, over a half hour, and 3 freaking workers there came in and out, saw us, IGNORED US, even when we said Hi and asked for help, so I went to the other side in the bakery...and was told to take a number. Then when they FINALLY call my number, Im told by one of the losers who ignored me that I wasn''t supposed to come to this side. SO I said, "Well because your customer service here is SH!T and you and 2 of your cohorts IGNORED US for the last half hour as you went in and out over there, EVEN WHEN WE SAID HELLO AND ASKED FOR HELP, I figured we should come here and ask for it as loudly as my voice will allow so the rest of your customers knew your how angry I was that your service sucked and maybe would take their business to a company who gave a crap about them." My mom and dad normally woulda smacked me in the back of the head for this or grabbed me by the mouth but they were both so damn annoyed by this point as well they didn''t bother. My fiance just acted like he never met me. haha. Smart move. My dad is still loaded up on pain killers from his shoulder surgery from last week that he probably had no idea what was up.

The manager rushed over after I yelled this loudly enough to get people watching from the card section on the other side of the store (place is huge) and said they would send someone over. So we go back over there, my mom, my dad and my fiance (slowly as to not have himself associated) followed me over after my little display of warrented hostility, wait ANOTHER 10 minutes for someone to come there, and are told to sit down and look through books, at horribly ugly and outdated 80''s style cakes with fountains. I knew what I wanted so that was purely to ridicule them. Loudly.

Im stuck getting my cake from them so I decided to go with chocolate cake with ganache icing (really rich chocolate, almost like hot fudge). The cake is dry and flavorless, regardless of which color you go with, and has always been in the history of the bakery. The only saving grace is that the ganache is freaking awesome, I would hope that couldn''t be screwed up since it''s comprised of 2 ingredients, so I guess that''s where the flavor will have to come from.

At least the delivery server was reasonably friendly and generous with the ganache. She was probably scared.

I just hope they show up with the right freaking thing on the right day (I have stories about that too...they didn''t even show up at my friend''s wedding because they mismarked their calendar by 2 months--so her cake for the cutting was actually from DQ and she had a lot of really fantastic little desserts made by the hall''s head chef because they felt so bad! Luckily she had only 120 guests. We have nearly 300 definites)

I know a few folks on here who are locals might like the place, why anyone would I couldn''t say, but let me remind you of why we hate them--their service is completely lacking and I cannot freaking believe they stayed in business this long.

 

[ame]

OH! And in all this I smacked my damn ring on the fireplace facade, the glass table and the counter (which led to about a solid hour of checking outside, in the sun and shade and in the house, when we got back home).

 

[windy1365]

You should go with another bakery since you hate this one so much. Especially since you don''t even like the cake on top of not liking their service. Why would you go with them if they messed up your sister''s cake? I would just have to tell the banquet place that I was not going to use that bakery. You have good reasons to back up why.

 

[ame]

Wasn''t my sister''s it was my friend''s...non-issue.

We are stuck because they are the baker that this hall uses. If I want to bypass this part of the contract I have to pay like $300 bucks just to go outside to another baker to make a $600+ dollar cake. I can''t afford that and my parent''s won''t do it. Im not even happy about the reception hall situtaion, not a bit, and my mother knows this. I just gave up most of the control to her since nothing I want is right and she changes it, often without telling anyone. My fiance just doesn''t care anymore. He told me to just give up because he''s so damn sick of not getting anything we want. But all I really want is a MARRIAGE. The wedding stopped being of any importance.

She hates my rings, she hates my dress (which I found out from my sister), she hates that it''s not a church wedding (Im an atheist, I wonder why it''s not in a church), she hates that I havea female officiant, she hates that I got a limo, she hates that I paid more than $500 for a photographer (because there is no photographer that costs that little, it''s not 1975 for chrissake), and she chose this hall after driving my dad back to where I had originally booked and my dad paid a deposit to get the money back because she didn''t like my reception hall choice, bevo to the locals. It wasnt HER choice so it was a bad one.

I gave up. Seriously, it''s not worth it. I dream lovingly about eloping but the subsequent hell I will endure after my return isn''t worth it. They live too close for one

*my 50''s wont fit in my wallet and my diamond shoes are too tight*

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh ame, I am so sorry.

 

[ame]

Seriuosly, its like smacking my head against my brick house, that she hates that I live in already. I just want to be married and have a good marriage. My poor man. God I feel for him. haha

Maybe that''s why I wanna wear my ring already...

 

[valeria101]

Date: 3/5/2005 10:7:41 PM
Author: ame

I dream lovingly about eloping but the subsequent hell I will endure after my return isn't worth it. They live too close for one

Can you elope AND move out of the danger zone afterwards ????

What if the Hell you describe continues after the wedding ?

 

[Kaleigh]

ame,
Your heart is in the right place. It is all about having a good marriage. Yes the wedding is nice, but that is just one day out of your life, whereas a marriage is a life long commitment. Stay strong, stick to your guns and I hope all goes well for you. This is tough, I know. My mother sounds like a carbon copy of yours. I have been married for 18 years and take my mother with a huge grain of salt, and two aspirins, haha!!

 

[ame]

Oh it inevitably will. I fear getting pregnant. I think my head will just explode.

I was so hoping we could move to the west coast and be near HIS family. They aren''t nearly as neurotic.

 

[ame]

I need to buy stock in Tylenol Im thinking. Ill keep that stock profitable.

 

[valeria101]

Date: 3/5/2005 10:27:19 PM
Author: ame
Oh it inevitably will. I fear getting pregnant. I think my head will just explode.

I was so hoping we could move to the west coast and be near HIS family. They aren''t nearly as neurotic.

Oh well... at least after the wedding you will be two against the tide.

It must help.

 

[windy1365]

My fiance and I are paying for our wedding, so we get to make all of the choices. I brought my mama to one of the meetings with the wedding coordinator, and that was the end of that. She had all kinds of opinions, and we started arguing. Now, she only gives me advice IF I ask for it. She said that the color my fiance picked out for the tux vest would class with the bridesmaid dresses... but we got it anyway. This is MY day, and I am going to get exactly what I want. Luckily for me, my mama backed off after than first confrontation.

Are you paying for your wedding, or is your mother paying for it? If you are paying for it, then I would consider telling her to back off. I know that she''s your mother, but it is your big day, not hers. She has already had hers. If your parents are paying for it... then she does have a say so... and that does suck!!

You can always elope if all else fails!! Remember: THIS IS YOUR WEDDING!!!

 

[ame]

There was a knock down drag out about that too. She won because Im probably the only daughter of the two who will get married, as my sister is far too involved in her work to even meet men. She needs to get fresh with another speech pathologist that's male, if you ask me. They can have their insanely boring work discussions together. My dad wanted to do this because he wanted to give his first baby away.

He and I are paying for my dress, the tuxes, the rings, limo, the ceremony site cuz she freaked out, the invites (because Id be an idiot to not make them myself beings that Im a designer), half of the photographer since she freaked out. His folks paid for all flowers and the officiant. And they are going ALL OUT on the rehearsal dinner, since the ceremony site screwed up and it's at 3pm now.

My dad doesn't speak. haha he doesn't care.

 

[windy1365]

I would just have to say..." if you want this your way, then you have to pay for it". My mama wanted us to have caligraphy on our wedding invitations... I think it was about $200 extra. I told her that was fine if she wanted to pay for it. We ended up not getting it.

I did let my mama take care of the rehearsal dinner plans... but only because it doesn''t matter to me, and we moved far away (13 hours), so we could no longer use or plan it at the subdivision club house where we did live.

Maybe you could give your mother a few chores for her to plan out that doesn''t matter much too you... to keep her busy. Then, you plan out your day behind her back. Make it clear to your vendors that they are to deal with you only, not with your mother. She''ll get over it!!

As far as living together b/f you get married...I think it''s necessary. You are going to make a commitment for the rest of your life... shouldn''t you find out first if you can live with this person first and get along in that situation?

I''m kind of an atheist too. I can''t believe someone actually admitted to it. I am from the Bible Belt, so those hypocrite Baptists turned me off from religion when I was just a little girl. They are such hypocrites!!!! And obnoxious. I don''t know why they think if they push their hypocrite beliefs in people''s faces that it is going to do anything. It just makes me hate them!! I don''t hate God and Jesus... I just hate those Southern Baptists!!! My fiance and I are arguing about how much religion we''re going to have in our wedding. I would prefer none, but he doesn''t want to offend his family. I do not want praying, but he does... I told him that I was just going to look stupid then, because I''m not bowing my head and praying. Our preacher is his cousin... they are of a good type of religion... from up North, so I don''t hate what they say, but I just don''t want it in my wedding. I''ll have to compromise on this, I guess.

You shouldn''t have to suffer just because your sister has no prospects of getting married.

 

[Mara]

Yes move away...West Coasters are way more easygoing...

We paid for our wedding primarily to not have anyone else be *too* involved, especially parents. Trust me, my Mom did not like not having a say in everything, but hey...we're adults. Also once we decided on Hawaii, it made things much easier because only I knew the details on everything...I had done the research and we had visited the venue and met the vendors etc ourselves. So the parents just were kind of along for the ride.

In the end it was a fabulous time and the funniest part is that my Mom, who was not keen on the destination thing (primarily because *her* friends wouldn't come as it was too far), has been raving about the whole thing and saying how great it was. Go figure! In the end the memories are what you really want to remember.

 

[Libster]

Planning a wedding should not be this stressful and I feel for you. Just keep focusing on your big day and how happy you will be once you are married to your Fiance. Hang in there, Ame.

 

[yellowfan]

Ame,

I feel so sorry for you. Thats too much stress for you. I really hope things get smoother for you both.


Lori

 

[aljdewey]

I''m truly sorry for your trouble.....but you can stop it if you refuse to allow it.

If you''re adult enough to make the decision to marry, then you''re adult enough to decide what YOU (you meaning you and FI) want your wedding to be. It''s graceful and respectul to take other''s wishes into consideration and to accommodate them as long as you don''t oppose them.

BUT....the wedding is yours and FIs. That''s where the compromises, if any, should be made. If you both want "x", then you should have it, and if someone else doesn''t like it, they have to gracefully live with it....or live with it ungracefully.

Getting bullied during this process is just such a bad precedent for how people will interact with each other AFTEr the wedding.

 

[finerthings]

Well said.

 

[pearcrazy]

Wow, I was lucky in that I only had a few minor glitches in my wedding planning. A co-worker's of my DH's at attended the Cordon Bleu and had been to another cooking school to learn cake decorating. She was trying to get a side business of custom cakes going and offered to do our wedding cake for the cost of her materials. It came out to be $75. The cake was absolutely beautiful. I just told her how many guests I was having and then asked for her suggestions on what size and type of cake and type of frosting and decorations and let her do the rest. I guess I was naive but I trusted her judgement. I purchased a cake topper and let her use her creativity to make something that went along. The cake was delicious and all she asked other than the $75 for materials was to place some of her business cards on the gift table.

I hope your cake turns out to be spectacular after all of your frustrations. I also attended a wedding where the bakery marked the wrong date on their calender and the mother of the bride had to go to Baskin Robbins and purchase several ice cream cakes for the 200 guests to eat. Luckily, the bride and groom were able to laugh about it and all the kids at the wedding were very impressed.

 

[chantal990]

I like icecrem cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I really feel for you Ame I am going through the same thing with my mum. She is determined that I am going to have the wedding she and my dad did and be happy with it. It''s at the other end of the spectrum of what my FI and I want so we are running off to Hawaii to do it (from Australia so it''s a pretty big thing for us) and paying ourselves and letting whoever wants to come come as long as they keep any negative comments to themselves

.

Good luck and I hope your cake get delivered and it''s loveley but if not...........................

I like icecrem cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[solange]

Dear Ame,

I am so sorry that you are having so much trouble with your wedding plans. It should be one of the happiest days of your life. I sympathize with you because we had similar problems but our marriage is a success and that is the most important thing.

Although my mother was a very brilliant woman, she could not be trusted when it came to anything to do for me. She was very sneaky. My husband dreaded having our families get together because he knew his mother thought he could do better and had made that very clear. He just wanted to go to City Hall and get married. I decided to have a small cocktail party wedding but it was at the Plaza Hotel in New York so it was very nice and did not cost very much because we did not have a dinner. I had to make all the arrangements myself because my husband wanted nothing to do with the wedding plans.

I bought a dress for my mother, had her shoes dyed to match, and the only thng I entrusted her to do related to the wedding was to take her dress to the dressmaker in her building to have it altered. We were about the same size and I was planning to take the dress on our honeymoon. The day of the wedding, I almost fainted because the dress fit like a bag and looked horrible. She said she never got around to getting it altered. But that was least of the problems because she did get around to do something else.

We are not religious and I had arranged for a nice, young modern rabbi to perform the ceremony. My mother went behind my back and located this very old rabbi who had retired many years before. It was sad but the poor man was senile and could barely stand on his feet during the ceremony. And I think my mother gave him a few drinks to pep him up. Needless to say the ceremony was a total mess. We have been married many years and have grown children. But my husband often jokes that we are not really married because the man my mother got to perform the ceremony was a fake rabbi. Also my mother lost our marriage license right after the wedding. She said she threw it out by mistake. We never saw it again.

The other problem was my mother-in-law. She was a real beauty. We delayed having our parents meet because we both knew it would be a disaster. Finally my mother invited them over for dinner. It was so excrutiating that my husband and I made the fatal mistake of going out for a walk and leaving them alone. No sooner did we leave than my mother-in-law advised my parents that since they were giving me such a bargain(and they did) she wanted to know how much of a dowery my parents were giving because there was this extremely wealthy family dying to have him as a son-in-law. She also announced that they were not going to pay for any expenses relating to the wedding.

My mother, not to be outdone by this other wealthy family waiting to steal my prize, promised some outlandish amount which was at least twice my father's net worth. My father almost choked on the chicken when he heard this astounding sum. While this delicate and tasteful transaction was going on, I should mention that my brother had found a sparrow that had fallen out of its nest. He brought him home and the bird did not want to leave. He lived with us for about 14 years and we never kept him in a cage. The bird was flying around the dinner table and took a crap on my father-in-law's head. (He often greeted strangers in this way when they came to our house). My father-in-law was horrified and later told my husband he was marrying into a crazy family with wild animals flying around their house. He was sure it was a bat.

My mother-in-law even got this supposed heiress to call my husband after my husband had told her he was giving me a ring! Can you believe this woman? Then, about ten days before the wedding, I received a call from her saying we would have to postpone the wedding because she could not find a dress. I am sure she hadn't even looked because she was hopng my husband would break up with me and marry this supposed heiress. She probably did not want to tie up $15 or $20 on a dress because she was still hopeful that the wedding would not take place. She turned up in some rag she must have bought at the last minute at a rummage sale.

I do not remember much about the wedding because I was so upset about the changed rabbi. However I do remember the terrible scene my mother's crazy sister made before she stormed out. She claimed that we had deliberately told the photographer not to allow her to be in any pictures because she was ugly. This was the aunt who would try to jump into the grave at every funeral.

We are still married--I think--and we have had many a good laugh about our wedding. But it is sad that the very people who should be happiest for you are putting you under such stress. I hope things straighten out and you have a beautiful wedding and a long, happy married life. The wedding is of importance at the time but it is only one day of your life and I hope some day you too will be able to laugh about the problems when you look back at them.

 

[valeria101]

OMG Solange !

I sure hope all this is well behind you because the way you tell the story... it just darn funny. Serious stuff allright, but deadly funny too. Thank you so much for sharing

 

[Kaili]

Oh Ame,
I feel your frustration. It is a tough situation. I agree with aljdewey''s post, but do understand that you may have to work with your mother if she is paying for some of the wedding.

To look at if from another side... I have always looked forward to having my mother help plan my wedding. I wanted her to make my dream dress for me and to walk me down the aisle (Dad is not really in the picture much). The problem is that at 64, my mother has dememtia (similar symptoms to Alzheimers) due to small, undetected strokes over the years. She can''t remember much, gets very confused, and has lost a good deal of her motor skills (can''t write letters or numbers anymore, tell time, organize her thoughts). It makes me sad that this amazingly intelligent and talented woman will not be able to participate at all in my wedding other than physically being there. I would give anything to have my mother back the way she was and working with me to plan my wedding no matter how much of a pill she might have been.

Maybe you can look at it from a different perspective to help you deal with the "pain in the butt" moments.

 

[solange]

Dear Kaili,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. You must have wonderful memories of the things you shared before this terrible situation occurred and I am sure your mother instilled many of her qualities in you.

It is very sad that she cannot be involved in planning your wedding because it would have been a beautiful thing to be able to share it with someone who was such an important part of your life.

My father had Alzheimers and I know how painful it is to see an intelligent and talented person become so different. However it often surprised me that, although he seemed unfocused and lost, sometimes he would remember things I never thought he would.

He was in a nursing home at the time of my youngest son's Bar Mitzvah because he could no longer be cared for at home. We made the party at our house so that he could be there. We had him brought here in an ambulance with a nurse. Believe it or not, I really think he knew what was going on because he laughed and hugged and kissed my son and said he was happy. And each time we visited him he spoke of that day.

Even though your mother has lost some of her abilities, I truly believe that her presence at your wedding will bring her joy. It must have been wonderful to have a relationship like that with your mother. Best of luck and happiness in your marriage.

 

[Patty]

Solange, you wedding stories take the cake! (A DQ ice cream cake!)

The part about the aunt had me dying..."this is the one who would try to jump into the grave at every funeral."

Kaili, it''s sad that your mom can''t be there totally for you. My mom''s funeral was one week before my youngest sister''s wedding. My sister had moved the date up hoping that my mom would live long enough but it wasn''t to be. I always think about how sad the memories of her wedding are.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 3/7/2005 12:16:28 AM
Author: valeria101
OMG Solange !

I sure hope all this is well behind you because the way you tell the story... it just darn funny. Serious stuff allright, but deadly funny too. Thank you so much for sharing

Sorry Solange, I have to agree. The matter of fact way you described your reality was a riot! This could be a scene in the best tragic comedy! The bird - icing on the cake. Your union was certainly meant to be!

No wedding goes perfectly. Some mothers do tend to get too involved. Kinda like a Bridezilla on steriods.

 

[codex57]

Wow, good luck. We''re starting to look for a cake too. Thank goodness my wedding hall doesn''t require us to use any particular bakery. We''re mad enough about them forcing us to use one of two people for chair covers. If they''d had required vendors for stuff we cared about more, I wouldn''t have used them.

Just curious, who''s paying for your wedding? If they''re paying, I can understand your frustration and why you ceded all control. But if you''re paying for it yourself, I''d hope you could get more say in the decisions.

 

[codex57]

Just found the post where you said either you or your fiance''s side is paying for teh wedding. Your parents are paying for very little. Accordingly, they should have VERY little say. They don''t love you do they (use that line on your dad, it should work better)? Can''t you get what you want, and then tell the vendors under NO circumstance can your parents make any changes?

I''m assuming you still live with your parents. Now that should cause some home friction. Does your fiance live with his parents too? Is it possible for you to crash with him or some friends until the wedding? The option of you being able to move out takes away your mom''s leverage. If you can stay with your fiance, that''s the best. Threatening you''ll live with your b/f BEFORE MARRIAGE might be horrific enough for your mom (as a Christian of some kind) to back off. Threaten to tell everyone at her church if necessary.

Also, play up the daddy''s little girl bit with your dad. He should be your secret ally (since you said he''s dying to give his little girl away). I remember your other posts and your parents sound a lot like mine. My dad secretly helps out me and my sister when we get in arguments with our mom. He may be able to stall your mom or whatever giving you some help to continue with your plans.

Your situation sounds frighteningly similar to mine. Cept my fiance wonders why I don''t ask my parents for more help in our wedding. She just doesn''t seem to get or accept the fact that I''d be opening us up to my mom controlling every aspect of the wedding. She also thinks prices are still the same as late 60s/early 70s. We haven''t even told my parents any specs about the e-ring cuz my mom would freak that I spent that much.

 

[ame]

My folks are paying for most of it. But I remember them saying, many times, "its your day, do what you want". I love how what I want makes no difference.

Solange that is the best story ever. I can honestly say I am so glad not to be in that situation.