I am in a bit of a pickle, need advice...

[iwannaprettyone]

Hopefully I can keep this as concise as possible, but after 2 weeks of pulling out my hair and a recent discovery I can not deal anymore and need the shoulders of my PS'ers....

A good friend of mine got divorced about 3 years ago, she was pregnant and already had a 2 year old. She moved back in with her parents (23 at the time). Then her father (business owner and soul provider) decided to start cooking meth and he got thrown in the penitentiary for 25 years and consequently my friend and her mother were both unemployed.

Fast forward a year the mother has a job (minimum wage), and friend is with 2 kids living off child support and her mother income. Then low a behold friend meets a man, falls in love and all is good right? Wrong. He jerks her around (cheating with his ex-wife among others) and finally I tell my friend to come stay with me (for free) until things settle down. That was back in July.

Well, they are back together after a couple of weeks, but gets deployed almost immediately(He is in the Military). So she is still living with me, unemployed, driving the mans vehicle and her ex has their kids. Well they are engaged now which brings me to now.

I go home at lunch and she has found out his ex wife and him have been sharing nude photos etc online with each other....WHAT?????????

And you haven't kicked to the curb why???? She just told him that his was forbidden to talk to the ex wife anymore.

I am at my wits end....

 

[diamondseeker2006]

If the guy is repeatedly and blatantly doing stuff like that, she gets what she deserves if she marries him. I''m afraid I don''t understand why she doesn''t get a job if her mom has the kids???!!! I hate to say it, but this "friend" sounds like she is using you, too.

 

[lyra]

Agh. I actually feel sorry for *YOU*, having to be in the middle of this. It will not end well, I''m pretty sure. So sorry.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 11/7/2007 5:26:36 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
If the guy is repeatedly and blatantly doing stuff like that, she gets what she deserves if she marries him. I''m afraid I don''t understand why she doesn''t get a job if her mom has the kids???!!! I hate to say it, but this ''friend'' sounds like she is using you, too.

Ex-hubby has the kids.

Guess that''s what I get for trying to be a good samaritan....

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 11/7/2007 5:31:01 PM
Author: lyra
Agh. I actually feel sorry for *YOU*, having to be in the middle of this. It will not end well, I''m pretty sure. So sorry.

I know it won''t, I can''t stop beating myself up about it...stupid stupid stupid

 

[isaku5]

I too feel very sorry for you. You went out of your way to help her so much, and she''s involved with this kind of trash. Give her a timeline to get a job and be out of your place at the end of it.

She''s a "user" probably in more ways than you know, or are telling us.

Sorry to sound so heartless, but she''s going to drag you down with her unless you do something soon.

 

[Kaleigh]

Gosh that stinks. She''s able bodied, she needs to get a job and you need to give her a date to move out by. Sounds harsh, but she''s been there since JULY?? I think you''ve been very kind to her. But time for some tough love now, methinks.

 

[sera]

Some people like to milk the victim role. You've given her help so that she could get her life together, but it seems (of course I don't know the whole story) like she's not making an effort.

If she chooses to stay with him after the nude photo thing, well, she should not be surprised when he continues and she finds out that's most likely the tip of the iceberg.

I agree... give her a timeline... she can get her act together or wallow in self-pity or laziness or whatever it is that is keeping her in the same place she has been in despite opportunities to get out of it. When help and encouragement is just used and disregarded, it's time for tough love... gotta prune for new growth.

(I feel bad you're in the middle of this... but you did your part trying to help)

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 11/7/2007 5:57:02 PM
Author: sera
Some people like to milk the victim role. You''ve given her help so that she could get her life together, but it seems (of course I don''t know the whole story) like she''s not making an effort.

If she chooses to stay with him after the nude photo thing, well, she should not be surprised when he continues and she finds out that''s most likely the tip of the iceberg.

I agree... give her a timeline... she can get her act together or wallow in self-pity or laziness or whatever it is that is keeping her in the same place she has been in despite opportunities to get out of it. When help and encouragement is just used and disregarded, it''s time for tough love... gotta prune for new growth.

(I feel bad you''re in the middle of this... but you did your part trying to help)

I actually stuck my neck out and got her a job, which she treated poorly and just stopped going. I talked to her last month and told her my intention for her moving in was to give her the opportunity to find work, get away from her mothers misery and perhaps get enough cash for first and last months rent.

I feel like she stays with him because a) he sends her money b) she has his car

 

[FireGoddess]

If she''s going to keep getting offered handouts, she''s going to keep taking them. It''s ridiculous that she basically punted on the job that you got her. But she has no impetus (in her mind) to have to fend for herself when she''s got all of you doing that for her!!!

It''s definitely time to give her a ''deadline'' to get control of her life and stop abusing the generosity of those around her. Not to mention the fact that it''s so obvious the guy she''s with is a jerk. But she''ll allow herself to be ''bought'' with some child support and a car to drive? Is that how little she thinks of herself, or how lazy she is? That girl can get those things for HERSELF with a little elbow grease and some commitment...and not allow herself to be in a relationship with someone like this creep.

For YOUR sanity though, I''d definitely give her a deadline to get her crap together. You''re not her guardian, and she''s abusing the help.

 

[:)]

Ugh. No good deed goes unpunished! She is lucky to have you as a kind friend who went above and beyond trying to help (even getting her a job). I have to agree tough love is in order. She will never shape up (or ship out!) on her own. She will have to be pushed.

 

[risingsun]

It's time for her to move out. I agree with the others. Give her a timeline and she's gone...no excuses!! You don't know what kind of trouble she might bring into your home

 

[risingsun]

Sorry...double post

 

[iwannaprettyone]

It is situations like these that I am sooo glad my FI is my future hub-bub... lol

I vented to him about the whole situation (we own this house together and he has a place in the city) and he told me to ''put if off on him''. Basically he is going to make plans to move home for christmas and therefore tell the ''squatter''

that she has a couple of weeks to get her crap together and get out. I know that it is not the most honest of approach, but I do want to avoid trashing the friendship completely and I am selfishly THRILLED that FI is moving home for a little while before he hits the road for work again.

I appreciate the sound advice yet again, thank you my friends.

 

[door knob solitaire]

Have nothing to advise...just wanted you to know I am worn out reading your post. Can''t imagine what it is like to live that. You have my sympathy...and support.

And by my support, I don''t mean my extra bedroom is available. I have limits you know.

DKS

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 11/11/2007 7:53:50 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
Have nothing to advise...just wanted you to know I am worn out reading your post. Can''t imagine what it is like to live that. You have my sympathy...and support.

And by my support, I don''t mean my extra bedroom is available. I have limits you know.

DKS

DKS - Well said!!! LOL

Good luck, iwannaprettyone. I think your guy stepping in is great. Please use the maneuver with a clear conscience. You have been nice for long enough.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 11/11/2007 8:38:35 PM
Author: Fly Girl

Date: 11/11/2007 7:53:50 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
Have nothing to advise...just wanted you to know I am worn out reading your post. Can''t imagine what it is like to live that. You have my sympathy...and support.

And by my support, I don''t mean my extra bedroom is available. I have limits you know.

DKS

DKS - Well said!!! LOL

Good luck, iwannaprettyone. I think your guy stepping in is great. Please use the maneuver with a clear conscience. You have been nice for long enough.

ROTFL

 

[surfgirl]

Well, I''m not as nice as others here because I wouldn''t give her a deadline, I''d just tell her to pack it up and move on out. Now. She''s using you. She''s using her mother. She''s using the men she cons to "take care of her." I''d chalk it up to a friendship gone bad and get her out of your life and move on.

Oh, and I''d also get my locks changed immediately. But that''s just me!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Changing the lock is a good idea, although I just changed them about 3 months ago when my "doggie checker" got into Meth....

 

[surfgirl]

I''ve got to wonder why the people you''re hanging out with keep getting into meth?!? If you''re living in a dubious neighborhood, you might want to consider moving? If not, maybe you need to clean house and start fresh with friends who aren''t into meth...? It''s bizarre that your friend''s father AND your dog walker are both into that scene...I''m more concerned about that then you kicking your deadbeat house scammer to the curb.

 

[crown1]

wow! what a lot of drama to deal with. i lead a very sheltered life, i guess. i could never be as generous as you have been with this gal. i am glad it is ending for you.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 11/11/2007 11:33:04 PM
Author: surfgirl
I''ve got to wonder why the people you''re hanging out with keep getting into meth?!? If you''re living in a dubious neighborhood, you might want to consider moving? If not, maybe you need to clean house and start fresh with friends who aren''t into meth...? It''s bizarre that your friend''s father AND your dog walker are both into that scene...I''m more concerned about that then you kicking your deadbeat house scammer to the curb.

I wondered the same thing, so I did some research about the situation in our town and there is a big problem with Methanephetamines (sp?) here. It is an older industrial area for the most part, but I live several miles out in the country. But the incidents are isolated just an coinsidence. The girl living with me doesn''t touch drugs and very little alcohol. I don''t have ''friends'' that do drugs etc.

Update: She''s got a subsitute teaching job at the local high school and is moving out in no more than 2 weeks

 

[777_LDY]

Date: 11/12/2007 11:01:40 AM
Author: iwannaprettyone

Date: 11/11/2007 11:33:04 PM
Author: surfgirl
I''ve got to wonder why the people you''re hanging out with keep getting into meth?!? If you''re living in a dubious neighborhood, you might want to consider moving? If not, maybe you need to clean house and start fresh with friends who aren''t into meth...? It''s bizarre that your friend''s father AND your dog walker are both into that scene...I''m more concerned about that then you kicking your deadbeat house scammer to the curb.

I wondered the same thing, so I did some research about the situation in our town and there is a big problem with Methanephetamines (sp?) here. It is an older industrial area for the most part, but I live several miles out in the country. But the incidents are isolated just an coinsidence. The girl living with me doesn''t touch drugs and very little alcohol. I don''t have ''friends'' that do drugs etc.

Update: She''s got a subsitute teaching job at the local high school and is moving out in no more than 2 weeks

After reading this thread I must say that I totally agreed with surfgirl, I would also have told her she needed to go. It''s called tough love for a reason but in the long run it''s the best thing. Sometimes someone just needs a wake up call and after they are no longer blaming others for their problems they will take a good long look at themselves. Sounds like you will no longer need to do that, which is great, however I''d still watch out that 2 weeks doesn''t turn into 2 more months.

 

[surfgirl]

Well, I''ve heard that the meth scene is popular in areas such as you describe...I guess because of the isolation factor and people are left alone for the most part...Still, glad to hear she''s moving out, though it is quite disturbing to think someone like her will be in a classroom influencing children...And I agree with the above post, dont let 2 weeks go any longer than 2 weeks. Keep reminding her. And dont forget to get those locks changed!

 

[movie zombie]

this is a friend?!

movie zombie

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hey, I agree with Surfgirl that you need to boot that girl out! Personally, I''d never have let her move in in the first place. Surely she showed signs of using people before her down-and-out situation?

One of my friends and her husband tried to latch onto and leach from me, but there was no way I was putting up with it. She showed up suddenly "homeless," playing the having a bad-luck needy person, but she had acted that way for YEARS. I said no and she immediatly found another person and took advantage of them. It''s really sad, but you cannot feel obligated to take care of anyone when you have your own life to tend to.

Glad to hear your FI is moving in and you''ll have an excuse to kick your friend out.

Good luck.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Da da da da da da da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaa

She is OUTTA HERE.......

Wooooo wooooooooooo wooooooooooooooooooooooo!

 

[Ellen]

Can I ask what happened?

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 12/5/2007 2:51:21 PM
Author: Ellen
Can I ask what happened?

Nothing really. Just told her it was time to go. She said OK. That was that. She''s back with her momma.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 12/5/2007 3:05:24 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone

Date: 12/5/2007 2:51:21 PM
Author: Ellen
Can I ask what happened?

Nothing really. Just told her it was time to go. She said OK. That was that. She''s back with her momma.

Well good! No drama.