[humor, war of the sexes variety] installing a husband

[movie zombie]

i hope this is not a dup. a friend sent it to me and its the first time i''ve seen it.
mz
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Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower
and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable
programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the
system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
these problems, but
to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to
download Tears 6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that
application works
as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the
applications
Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can
cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will
download the
Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install
Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually
seize control of all
your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the
Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does
have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

 

[bee*]

lol

I like the part about the MIL

 

[lucyandroger]

haha!

Here''s one that I got a couple days ago:

Older Women Are So Reasonable

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one d ay and said, "forty-four years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl".

Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I''m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you''re not holding up your side of things.''

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

 

[strmrdr]

Tech Support Suggestions

These are very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is indeed an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 6.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 6.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 6.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

 

[Steel]

Very funny.

(Karl - did you make that one up? It is very funny!)

 

[MonkeyPie]

Hahaha! These are AWESOME!

Good thing my Husband 1.0 runs just as flawlessly as Boyfriend 5.0.

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 5/22/2009 8:31:52 AM
Author: Steel

Very funny.


(Karl - did you make that one up? It is very funny!)

nope cant take credit for it.
These have been going around since computers used punch cards.

 

[strmrdr]

Bug Warning

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Bug work-arounds: To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

 

[strmrdr]

or you can put them together and stir...

Male Friend Needs Technical Support


Can you please advise me. I''m having some problems. I''m currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I''ve been having some problems lately. I''ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won''t crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I''m embarrassed to say I can''t find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn''t have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn''t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can''t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I''ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don''t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can''t load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can''t turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won''t install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??

 

[strmrdr]

System Administrator''s Log - Uninstalling Wife 1.0

June 6
Well, I''ve had it. Wife 1.0 worked so poorly I had to run the uninstaller. Unfortunately, the uninstaller requires all of the cache, and a utility called DivorceLawyer 6.0. The uninstall was far from clean, leaving bits and pieces scattered all over the place. The main drawback is that even though I''ve uninstalled Wife 1.0, it STILL requires system resources. I''ve sworn off the category altogether.

January 12
Yesterday, I installed GoldenRetriever 1.0 and PickupTruck 98. I''m looking at the entire PowerTools suite. DrinkingBuddies 1.0 seems to be finally working again, but it can''t run over a network with other copies of Wife 1.0, or any version of GirlFriend, on the network.

February 3
I can''t believe how well GoldenRetriever 1.0 works! It needs minimal resources, yet it''s always there and willing to help with any task I''m doing (a friend has Cat 3.6 and hates it; it came with Wife 1.0, another of those useless add-ons like MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta). The only disadvantage is that GoldenRetriever 1.0 needs to run occasionally on the FrigginColdNight OS.

April 9
Man, I miss the HotFood and the Lingerie modules. On a whim, I tried typing C:/HEY BABY YOURE HOT into a machine in the local library, but it turned out to be a dumb terminal. Not having much luck outside of my own system.

May 22
Just installed GirlFriend 5.0. Now how does this work again?

 

[Lynnie]

Date: 5/22/2009 9:22:50 AM
Author: strmrdr
System Administrator''s Log - Uninstalling Wife 1.0


February 3
I can''t believe how well GoldenRetriever 1.0 works! It needs minimal resources, yet it''s always there and willing to help with any task I''m doing (a friend has Cat 3.6 and hates it; it came with Wife 1.0, another of those useless add-ons like MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta). The only disadvantage is that GoldenRetriever 1.0 needs to run occasionally on the FrigginColdNight OS.

LOL! I actually guffawed at that!!!