Home Huge age gaps between kids

[hawaiianorangetree]

I don''t really look around these forums too much and mainly stick to BWW but i have had this on my mind for a bit and wanted to get some opinions.

Is there anyone out there with rather large age gaps between your children? Was it hard? Did it feel like you were starting all over again? Are you glad that you decided to have a ''second'' family?

I am getting married in 5 weeks. I have always thought that we wouldn''t have any children together but lately i have been thinking about the possibility, but the one thing that really holds me back is the age gap that would be between our children. My daughter is 9 turning 10 this year and his daughter is 15 turning 16. So there would be some pretty big age gaps, almost like we would have to ''start again'' since we are way passed the nappies and sleepless nights.

We both do think about having a child together, but then we both think about how easy, financially and otherwise, it would be if we didn''t have a child together. We already have an amazing daughter each, so it is not like we are going without, although i do feel like by not having another child i am missing out on something, (the experience of having a child with someone you love for one) and i am not sure i am ready to close that door on that part of my life just yet.

I hope that makes sense! Basically i am torn and the age gap issue really is playing on me.

Am i thinking too much about it or does it really change things?

TIA for your advice, experiences and opinions!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

HOT, lol nice acronym! Do you mind me asking how old you are? My mother had my little brother at 44. He''s 13 years younger than I am and 16 years younger than my brother. I can tell you that no aspect of my mother''s experience of having a child this late in life was easy. Having older children was a benefit in the sense that she had a live-in support system when she worked multiple jobs to support us, but she was also dealing with college and getting set up for retirement, and then a bad breakup with my brother''s father, all while trying to raise a child.

Once she hit retirement age and my brother was hitting adolescence, honestly at this point she was plain tired. She remarried when my brother was 5 and her husband was five years older than she was. So now you have a 55 year old and a 60 year old raising a teenager. You think you have problems relating to teens now? Try at that age! LOL. Things were tense to say the least.

My brother is a good kid, he really hasn''t given them any trouble. He gets great grades, works part time, plays 3 varsity sports and plans to go to college next year. But it''s hard for them to see what a great kid he is because all they can see is him cramping their retirement style (she''s now 62 and he''s 67).

My point is, depending on where you are now age wise, think ahead to where you''ll be when you''re hitting the hard stages later in childhood. I think this matters more than the age difference between siblings.

Good luck, sorry if this is negative. I adore my brother, but can also sympathize with my mother.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Hi HH

Don''t mind at all!

I am 30 and FI is 37, so i guess i am still young in that respect.

 

[swingirl]

Heck, you are younger having your second that I was with my first. You have a lot of "good years" to parent another child. You will be under 50 when they go off to college. Lots of time left for retirement.

 

[kittybean]

My littlest brother is 10 years younger than me. My mom had him when she was 38. He''s still in high school now, and it doesn''t seem at all like they can''t keep up with a teenager. They are a little more lax with him, but I think that just comes from the experience of having two older children already go through all these stages and come out in one piece.

Having a sibling that much younger than me has been great. I got to be part-mommy, part-sister to him. I loved watching him when he was little, and we have a great relationship now. He''s not as much a "friend" to me as my other brother who''s closer in age is, but we get along really well. I like the age gap, and I''m all for having kids who aren''t close in age.

 

[Octavia]

Just my $0.02 and probably not worth that much, but...my brother and I are about 8 years apart and it''s always been difficult. I was very much an only child when he was born and was NOT happy to give that up. As we grew up, he resented me for being allowed to do things he couldn''t, and for being "in charge" when I babysat for him. We''ve never been close, and caused our parents all sorts of headaches because we fought constantly.

As a result, I hope to be able to space my children either less than 5 years apart or more than 12-13 years. The years in between are really rough. My friends who have siblings close in age or the ones whose parents had a "second family" when they were quite a bit older seem to be the happiest; none of my friends who had a sibling with about the same age span as my brother and me has a great relationship with that sibling. Anecdotal, of course, but it''s enough to convince me. Given your ages, I think it would be totally doable for you to have a child with your soon-to-be husband, but it might not be the worst idea to wait a year or two and let your daughter adjust and get a little older before you do. Either way, though, I''m sure that you all will roll with whatever happens and will be fine!

 

[kama_s]

Date: 2/6/2010 12:12:58 AM
Author: Octavia
Just my $0.02 and probably not worth that much, but...my brother and I are about 8 years apart and it''s always been difficult. I was very much an only child when he was born and was NOT happy to give that up. As we grew up, he resented me for being allowed to do things he couldn''t, and for being ''in charge'' when I babysat for him. We''ve never been close, and caused our parents all sorts of headaches because we fought constantly.

As a result, I hope to be able to space my children either less than 5 years apart or more than 12-13 years. The years in between are really rough. My friends who have siblings close in age or the ones whose parents had a ''second family'' when they were quite a bit older seem to be the happiest; none of my friends who had a sibling with about the same age span as my brother and me has a great relationship with that sibling. Anecdotal, of course, but it''s enough to convince me. Given your ages, I think it would be totally doable for you to have a child with your soon-to-be husband, but it might not be the worst idea to wait a year or two and let your daughter adjust and get a little older before you do. Either way, though, I''m sure that you all will roll with whatever happens and will be fine!

I probably have the opposite experience! I have an 8 year age gap with my brother too, and we''re incredibly close and we rarely got into tiffs.

HOT, you''re super young! Are you ready for another kid in the house and all the emotional and financial changes that come along with it? Or would you prefer to enjoy an easier lifestyle with the two wonderful kids you already have? In the end, only you and the hubby-to-be can make this decision for you.

But the one good thing if you do have a baby - having older kids in the house would really reduce the burden. Especially with two lovely older sisters that would dote on him/her!

 

[Octavia]

Kama, that''s interesting! I think you and kittybean are the only people I "know" who have good relationships with siblings that are 6-12 years different in age. Although I should qualify this by saying that everyone I know in this situation is a 2-kid family. In families with 3+ kids where the oldest and youngest are that far apart but there''s a middle child to buffer the difference, the family dynamic seems very different. Out of curiosity, were you excited to have a younger sibling? I was SO NOT EXCITED and obviously it was a lasting problem.

Hawaiian, if you guys decide that you want a child together, maybe you can delicately test your daughter''s feelings on the matter and discuss it enough that it won''t be a complete shock to her? I think part of my experience was that I was completely blindsided by my parents when they told me I was going to have a sibling. If they''d handled it differently, who knows how things would have been? I still don''t want to have kids with that age difference, but I do think that there are ways to make it a lot less traumatic and more exciting for the older kids if that''s what you want to do.

 

[Haven]

Date: 2/6/2010 12:43:44 AM
Author: Octavia
Kama, that''s interesting! I think you and kittybean are the only people I ''know'' who have good relationships with siblings that are 6-12 years different in age.

My sister is six grades younger than I am and I consider her one of my best friends.
We didn''t get along well when we were young, but once I was out of college we started to get very close.

 

[FrekeChild]

My half/step/whatever bros are 17 and 19 years older than I am respectively.

The one that is 47 (19 years older) has 4 children. 17, 15, 12 and 5. They are expecting their 5th child at the end of summer...when their oldest will be 18. My bro will be almost 48 when his 5th is born, which is 3 years older than my dad was when I was born.

Regardless, I imagine that that child (the unborn) will not know his 3 older siblings as siblings and instead as alternative parents, as my bro and his wife have already begun to rely FAR too much on their three older children to raise the 5 year old.

The best part of this situation is that I think having to raise their younger siblings will be an excellent method of birth control for all three older kids.

As for my bros and I? I was essentially an only child. Our relationships are strained by generational differences and physical differences. My brothers were not invited to my wedding. I have nothing in common with them. I want nothing in common with them honestly. But our situation was very very different from yours HOT. I''m in the Southwest states, and my brothers were in the Southeast. I saw them once a year if I was lucky, before they got married and started reproducing.

Take this all with a HUGE grain (block) of salt because I have a lot of ill feelings towards them for taking advantage of my dad for many many years...

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 2/6/2010 12:12:58 AM
Author: Octavia
Just my $0.02 and probably not worth that much, but...my brother and I are about 8 years apart and it''s always been difficult. I was very much an only child when he was born and was NOT happy to give that up. As we grew up, he resented me for being allowed to do things he couldn''t, and for being ''in charge'' when I babysat for him. We''ve never been close, and caused our parents all sorts of headaches because we fought constantly.

As a result, I hope to be able to space my children either less than 5 years apart or more than 12-13 years. The years in between are really rough. My friends who have siblings close in age or the ones whose parents had a ''second family'' when they were quite a bit older seem to be the happiest; none of my friends who had a sibling with about the same age span as my brother and me has a great relationship with that sibling. Anecdotal, of course, but it''s enough to convince me. Given your ages, I think it would be totally doable for you to have a child with your soon-to-be husband, but it might not be the worst idea to wait a year or two and let your daughter adjust and get a little older before you do. Either way, though, I''m sure that you all will roll with whatever happens and will be fine!

Yeah see i completely understand this as there is a 9 year age difference between my sister and I, but i am the youngest. We are not close and i know that i caused alot of problems for her and i also feel like that i grew up as an only child. I guess my experience is part of why i am hesitant to do it again. I am interested in your theory on the older age gap though!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 2/6/2010 12:31:48 AM
Author: kama_s

Date: 2/6/2010 12:12:58 AM
Author: Octavia
Just my $0.02 and probably not worth that much, but...my brother and I are about 8 years apart and it''s always been difficult. I was very much an only child when he was born and was NOT happy to give that up. As we grew up, he resented me for being allowed to do things he couldn''t, and for being ''in charge'' when I babysat for him. We''ve never been close, and caused our parents all sorts of headaches because we fought constantly.

As a result, I hope to be able to space my children either less than 5 years apart or more than 12-13 years. The years in between are really rough. My friends who have siblings close in age or the ones whose parents had a ''second family'' when they were quite a bit older seem to be the happiest; none of my friends who had a sibling with about the same age span as my brother and me has a great relationship with that sibling. Anecdotal, of course, but it''s enough to convince me. Given your ages, I think it would be totally doable for you to have a child with your soon-to-be husband, but it might not be the worst idea to wait a year or two and let your daughter adjust and get a little older before you do. Either way, though, I''m sure that you all will roll with whatever happens and will be fine!

I probably have the opposite experience! I have an 8 year age gap with my brother too, and we''re incredibly close and we rarely got into tiffs.

HOT, you''re super young! Are you ready for another kid in the house and all the emotional and financial changes that come along with it? Or would you prefer to enjoy an easier lifestyle with the two wonderful kids you already have? In the end, only you and the hubby-to-be can make this decision for you.

But the one good thing if you do have a baby - having older kids in the house would really reduce the burden. Especially with two lovely older sisters that would dote on him/her!

Kama, this is exactly it.. our life is pretty good right now and it would be so much easier if we didn''t have a baby, but i wonder if i will get another 10 years down the track and regret the decision not to.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 2/6/2010 12:10:58 AM
Author: kittybean
My littlest brother is 10 years younger than me. My mom had him when she was 38. He''s still in high school now, and it doesn''t seem at all like they can''t keep up with a teenager. They are a little more lax with him, but I think that just comes from the experience of having two older children already go through all these stages and come out in one piece.

Having a sibling that much younger than me has been great. I got to be part-mommy, part-sister to him. I loved watching him when he was little, and we have a great relationship now. He''s not as much a ''friend'' to me as my other brother who''s closer in age is, but we get along really well. I like the age gap, and I''m all for having kids who aren''t close in age.

Thanks for your insight kittybean, it''s nice to know that the big age gap doesn''t have to mean that they wont be close.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 2/6/2010 12:56:56 AM
Author: FrekeChild
My half/step/whatever bros are 17 and 19 years older than I am respectively.

The one that is 47 (19 years older) has 4 children. 17, 15, 12 and 5. They are expecting their 5th child at the end of summer...when their oldest will be 18. My bro will be almost 48 when his 5th is born, which is 3 years older than my dad was when I was born.

Regardless, I imagine that that child (the unborn) will not know his 3 older siblings as siblings and instead as alternative parents, as my bro and his wife have already begun to rely FAR too much on their three older children to raise the 5 year old.

The best part of this situation is that I think having to raise their younger siblings will be an excellent method of birth control for all three older kids.

As for my bros and I? I was essentially an only child. Our relationships are strained by generational differences and physical differences. My brothers were not invited to my wedding. I have nothing in common with them. I want nothing in common with them honestly. But our situation was very very different from yours HOT. I''m in the Southwest states, and my brothers were in the Southeast. I saw them once a year if I was lucky, before they got married and started reproducing.

Take this all with a HUGE grain (block) of salt because I have a lot of ill feelings towards them for taking advantage of my dad for many many years...

That is a bonus! Yes it might make the soon to be 16 year old realise that its good to wait until you are married and over 30 to start having kids!

 

[Pandora II]

There''s nearly 14 years between me and my youngest sister (another two in between us - one 20 months younger than me and the other 5 years younger).

We all adore my little sister, although I left for boarding school just after she was born and so we''ve never really grown up in the same house. I''m more of an aunt than a sister. She LOVED having much older siblings and my parents made sure that she had plenty of peer-group friends.

Has been tiring for my parents although they''ve mellowed somewhat and the multi-piercings and dodgy boyfriends don''t enrage my father the way they used to!

As Freke said... was a great form of contraception... I''m 37 and my daughter is 8.5 months!

 

[Dandi]

My FIL and MIL had DH very young and went their separate ways, having their own families years later. There is a 27 year age gap between DH and his youngest brother! His sister who is 10 and brother who is 7 (DH is 34) LOVE telling their friends about their big, big brother, and that they have a sister in law! Too cute

 

[AussieNic]

My DD is 10, and my DS is 19 months. I would have like to have had my children a little closer, but after TTC for 6 years, and then eventually moving onto IVF, we have this gap. I have to say, it is actually a good thing (for us anyway) DD is old enough to help out if she wants, she loves teaching her baby brother new things, etc..and I realise as they get older, this could probably change, but at the moment, it''s great. She is also at an age where she can understanding why sometimes, things just don''t get done due to a restless baby, and an overtired mumma

We also got her a present from ''the baby'' which she received when she first came to meet her baby brother.. A little point and shoot, Canon digital camera.. I put a card in with the present which said "thankyou for singing to me while I was in mummy''s belly" We also signed up for weekly emails to read what was happening this week with the baby, what size was baby, and one week pulled out a small bag of rice from the cupboard to show her how much baby weighed that week. I think involving her like this, helped turn her from a child who didn''t want a sibling, to someone who was so excited.

She had some homework this week, which asked what was her most memorable experience? She wrote..."Holding my baby brother for the first time"

I had my DD when I was 21.5 , DS at 30.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Totally different ballgame then. I''m 30 having my first, we''re definitely not too old! I say go for it! I adore my brother and loved being a part of raising him early on in his life, even though I might have at times complain about it.

 

[Lynnie]

I''m in the ''go for it'' camp, as well.

I have a brother 8 years older, and a brother 1 year younger. Little bro and I are really close - we hang out all the time. Big bro and I get along fine, but aren''t nearly as close as little bro & me. My brothers are very close to each other - they live together, play on a hockey team together, etc.

You can have siblings close in age who don''t have a close relationship. Or vice-versa.

So take the age-gap out of the equation... the question is, do you and DH want a child together? Are you financially capable? If ''yes'' and ''yes'', you have your answer

 

[JSM]

I am the oldest of four. My younger sisters are 7 and 9 years younger than me respectively. I love them both, but I definitely get along with my middle sister MUCH better than with my youngest sister. However, I don''t think this has as much to do with age as it does personality. My middle sister is like mini-me! We are similar type A personalities, have similar career goals (biological sciences), and can enjoy similar activities together. My youngest sister is just someone I can''t relate to AT ALL. This would have happened regardless of age!

My sisters are kind of like a second family to my parents, and get along better with them than my brother and I. My parents were better off financially than when they were when my brother and I were little, and as a result they had different life experiences and expectations. Neither were bad or good, just different.

If you are only 30 (that''s young! I''ll probably have my first at 30-32), you still have a lot of time to be a parent! What do your daughters think about having new additions to the family? Having siblings was a real blessing to me growing up, and even more so as an adult. Do whatever is best for you and your new husband, and good luck!

 

[Puppmom]

I''m 32 and having my second in August. DD will be 15 when this baby comes. I think DH and thought about whether or not to have another child a lot more than the average newly married couple with no children (at least I think so) for this reason. DD will ALWAYS be an only child - I think that''s a done deal.

Like you, we''re young, so it wasn''t an issue of having teenagers whilst preparing for retirement. DD will be off to college in 3 years so we thought more about where we saw ourselves then and in the years following that. We weren''t okay with an empty house and always did want more kids but the age gap really gets into your head! Ultimately, we realized that DD and this baby probably won''t have a sibling relationship but more like an aunt and niece/nephew relationship. That is okay with us.

Anyway, DD is really excited about this baby and we are really looking forward to her interacting with this little one. Once we realized that our family would be *different* but great anyway, it was easy to decide.

Good luck!

ETA - everyone was shocked when they found out we were expecting. They think we''re nuts.

Expect to get reactions all across the board and, really, who cares what other people think!

 

[icekid]

Date: 2/6/2010 12:43:44 AM
Author: Octavia
Kama, that''s interesting! I think you and kittybean are the only people I ''know'' who have good relationships with siblings that are 6-12 years different in age. Although I should qualify this by saying that everyone I know in this situation is a 2-kid family. In families with 3+ kids where the oldest and youngest are that far apart but there''s a middle child to buffer the difference, the family dynamic seems very different. Out of curiosity, were you excited to have a younger sibling? I was SO NOT EXCITED and obviously it was a lasting problem.

Just wanted to say that a large gap would not be horrible, especially given your age! I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me and we have always been super close (she was my maid of honor, even.) However, there are two kids in between us so maybe that did make a difference as Octavia noted.

 

[jewelz617]

My best friend and her sister are 15 years apart and they are as close as sisters could be. Once her sister gets older, they will be best friends I have no doubt in my mind.

I don''t think large age gaps matter. But if you think having another baby is going to put a strain on your financially... well, the only thing I can say is that babies put a huge enough strain on couples even WITHOUT having to worry about money. That''s going to be a lot of strain for a marriage to handle.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I was an oops baby when my brother was 9 and my sister was 7 (my parents were 3. My sister is my best friend, and we''re all very close. By 6th grade, both of my siblings were in college, so I was more like an only child at that point, which was fun but also a little boring at times. I think I cramped my parents'' style a little (appeared right when my mom was planning to go back to work), but I never felt anything but loved and wanted.

It doesn''t sound like this is an issue with your ages, but I did feel like the clock was ticking on my time with my parents more than my siblings'' experience. My dad died when I was 28, so my siblings got twice as many years with my dad as adults, and he got to meet all but one of their children but will never meet mine. The weird thing is that I was always afraid that would happen.

 

[April20]

My mom accidentally got pregnant at 44. When my brother was born, I was 19, my sister was 11 and my brother was 10. She was NOT happy about having another child at the time. She described it as taking a trip from the east coast to the west coast and back with a station wagon full of kids and being told she had to leave and do it all again as soon as she pulled back into the driveway. That being said, when he was born, she had a good support system because all of us kids were older and he was a great baby. She jokes that he was a good baby because God knew she couldn't handle a difficult baby at 45. Fast forward 14 years and it really wasn't the huge setback Mom feared it would be. He's a GREAT kid and we're all close, even with the age gap. He's the only one left at home and has been for some time now and he's SPOILED. I called my mom out on it a few years ago- I mean the kid has a TV, stereo system, game system, etc in his room and when we were growing up we had one TV and an antenna outside. My, how things change! Her response to his being spoiled was "Yes, but he's just so sweet".

Long story short- yes, there's a huge age gap, but it's never really presented an issue for the family. Would mom have chosen to do it? NO, but then again, she was a lot older than you are now (hell, I'm older than you are now.

). Does she regret any of it? Absolutely not!

ETA: My sister and I fought like cats and dogs growing up. I mean, it was BAD. When she turned 18 or 19, she just kind of grew up and we are incredibly close today. We have a nearly 8 year gap in age.....

 

[KatyWI]

I have a brother 6 years younger. We fought like crazy a few of those younger years, but we''re super close now. Well, as close as we can be living 1000 miles apart! My husband on the other hand has a sister who is only a year younger than he is, and at this point I might be closer to her than he is! (She and I get along really well, and they''ve never been great friends. They get along, but I wouldn''t say they''re close.)

So... basically, you never can tell! But I say go for it

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My best advice would be don''t close off the option. You are both young and have time on your side. Once you are married maybe you will decide life is good. You both have a child and now you have YOU time or maybe you will decide you want to start a family together. I don''t think big age gaps are a big deal. Only you know your daughter and stepdaughter. How would they react to the news/transition?

 

[charbie]

I''m the middle child of three girls. I''m 22 months younger than my older sister, and 20 months older than the younger. I think my mom was hoping that we would be super close because of our ages being so close, but ill tell you what, it was very difficult growing up. Sure, we played together, but we also were insanely competitive and always "stole the other siblings thunder." And I think at times it still comes in to play, and we are 24, 25, and 27!

I love my sisters to death, and we are all very close and very different, but to be honest, sometimes I wish there was a bigger gap between us! So I guess the point is, it can go either way. It is all in how you raise the children, and don''t put pressure on them to be best of friends. I think sometimes my sisters and I fought more so because we just had extremely different personalities, not because of our ages.

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

This thread is interesting because of such varied responses!

I''m 7 years older than my brother and we''ve never been very close because we''ve always been at different stages in our lives. I love him dearly and think he''s a great guy, but he''s not the person I call when I need to talk. We also didn''t fight very much growing up, other than the "Mom, he''s being a pain!" thing. SO has 2 sisters; one is 2 years younger and one is 11 years younger. He''s relatively close with both, although closer with the older one.

My kids are 20, 16, 14, 9, 3 and 1 week. There are 3+ years between all of them except the two that are 19 months apart. The oldest isn''t very close to the youngers anymore because he moved away and is busy being wrapped up in his life. Among the other kids, the 16 & 14 year old get along pretty well, although they had a long phase of being mortal enemies. The 9 year old is their common nemesis now. Every one of them dotes on the 3 year old and new baby, and I don''t think that will change since it''s been like that with the 3 year old since he was born.

We''re older parents now; I''m 42 and SO is 48. For us, the enjoyment that we get from having kids in the house far outweighs any desires we have to spend our retirement playing. Both of us are fairly work oriented, so I think it''s very unlikely that either of us will want to retire in our 60s. We struggled a lot with whether trying for one final child was the right thing to do because of our ages, but felt that there are no guarantees in life and kids can and do lose young parents.

I love watching the older kids interact with the younger ones. One rule we have is that we limit how often we ask the older kids to watch the youngers -- I never want the olders to feel like they''ve become second parents. They choose to do things with the 3 year old quite often, and I''ve had to fight them to hold the baby this week because they want to hog him. It seems like having little siblings and seeing the amount of work required has been good for the older kids because they''ve said they don''t want kids until much later.

In the end, I knew that I''d never regret having more kids when I was older, but I might regret NOT at least trying.

 

[Shoopy]

I am 7 years older than my brother M and 8 years than my brother D.

When I ask my mom about it she says it was much easier having a 7 year old and a newborn than it was to have a 15 month old and a newborn. Her position was that I was self-sufficient. She could tell me "mommy is tired" and I would go read my book or watch cartoons. She couldn''t tell my brother M that she was tired. She could tell me it was bedtime. She could tell M and hope he''d sleep and definitely couldn''t just tell D to sleep lol.

She was 25 when she had me, 32 and 33 when she had my brothers.