Home Hubby''s family received some bad news

[aprilcait]

DH just received an email (oy!) today at work from his dad telling him and his siblings that their mom is in an advanced stage of Leukemia and will be at the hospital for a month receiving chemo. For a little background: DH's mom has been having a range of cancer and immune system related health issues for over a year now - weekly transfusions, numerous hospital stays, surgeries, etc. - and was just released from the hospital for a cold that turned into pneumonia. For a while we thought his mom wouldn't make it to the wedding (thank goodness, she did... yay!). Between SIL's divorce (which is final tomorrow), and her emotional challenges as a result, and the grandma's waning health and semi-recent entry into a nursing home, DH's family has been through the ringer.

I feel incredibly guilty saying (typing) this, but I'm just worn from being there over and over. I want to really be the best partner I can be... I'm just not sure how. I'm just worn out. However, I know very well that if I'm worn out, DH is 598374509824375 times worse than I am considering these people are his family.

Anyway, DH has been hit pretty hard by today's news, so much so that he actually left work early... he never does that. He doesn't want to talk and is a bit snappish (understandable, I know... though very frustrating as an outsider). I know I need to be the shoulder to lean on and the listening ear. My questions: How can you be there for someone who acts like they don't want you there, even though you know that deep own they do (basically, how do you get over yourself and your own emotions enough to be there fully for someone else)? How do you let the snapping slide when you feel like snapping right back? Any suggestions, tips, or ideas? I would really appreciate it.

Sorry about the huge post! If you made it all the way through, thank you!

 

[oobiecoo]

I''m so sorry you and your husband are dealing with such trying times right now. I hope his mom can pull through the cancer and chemo.

When DH gets this way I just act as kind and loving towards him as possible. Neck rubs, home-cooked meals (these 2 REALLY help)... I also tell him I understand how he is feeling and want to do what I can to help. Otherwise, I don''t talk about much. Eventually he''ll come around and either tell you what he needs or break down all together.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Oh, so sad. I am so sorry to hear about your husband's mom.

You know your husband best (whether he wants you to ask how he's doing, or not, or sit quietly with him, or not, etc.), but I think the important thing is that you hang in there. If he's snapping at you, it's because you're "safe." You will love him no matter what. He's got all this stress/anger with nowhere to go. Don't take it personally. Be loving.

I do think it's appropriate to stick up for yourself, though. I'm going through a similarly crap time with my dad's suicide, and I am sometimes snappish, but I hope not at my husband. He helpfully tried to suggest I'd feel less stressed out if I did some grading the other night, and I reacted like a teenager and yelled that NO! I didn't WANT to grade so I WASN'T GONNA! and stomped upstairs. But hopefully since I was yelling about grading and not him, he didn't take it personally. If I did yell at him or about him, I'd expect him to call me out on it, and then I'd say, you know, I'm really just stressed/sad about my dad, and he'd say he understood, and we'd make up.

And be good to yourself. Just because it's his mom, not yours, doesn't mean that you aren't also experiencing stress, sorrow, worry, both for her and for your husband. Be sure that you have friends or family that you can vent to since your husband probably isn't the person to turn to with that right now.

I'll be thinking about you and your husband's familly.

 

[Kaleigh]

I am so sorry. Let him know you are there for him. He's taking it out on you because he feels safe with you. It's actually a compliment to you. You may not feel that now, but it is. Show him lots of love, and let him talk. Asking people questions when they don't want to talk, is annoying. I am not saying you are, just have had that done to me, and it's like enough already. They talk when they are ready, you have to be patient. Asking questions like, what can I do, how can I help you... Those are welcomed.

Write him a nice note in the morning. Saying, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I love you and we will get through this.

Or something to that effect.

Hang in there, hugs.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 9/11/2008 8:45:48 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I am so sorry. Let him know you are there for him. He''s taking it out on you because he feels safe with you. It''s actually a compliment to you. You may not feel that now, but it is. Show him lots of love, and let him talk. Asking people questions when they don''t want to talk, is annoying. I am not saying you are, just have had that done to me, and it''s like enough already. They talk when they are ready, you have to be patient. Asking questions like, what can I do, how can I help you... Those are welcomed.

Write him a nice note in the morning. Saying, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I love you and we will get through this.

Or something to that effect.

Hang in there, hugs.

I agree a note would be thoughtful and just listening or asking if he wants to talk and if not, and he needs his space then give him his space. I am so sorry; hugs and prayers outgoing for you, your dh, his mom and the family.

 

[Dee*Jay]

April, big hugs outing. My thoughts are with you, your DH, and his family.

 

[aprilcait]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my post.

Pheonixgirl, I''ve read about your dad and I''m so sorry for your loss. I''m so glad to hear (read) that your hubby is being a good support system for you. I hope I can do the same for my DH.

Thanks for the support and well wishes! I really appreciate it.

 

[vespergirl]

Hi aprilcat, my ex-husband had Hodgkins lymphoma, so I know how emotionally trying cancer can be on the family members. He used to tell me & his mom that he felt worse for us than himself, because we were standing by helpless & concerned, while he was fighting the disease.

Cancer can be a really difficult thing for a family to deal with. It makes everyone feel upset, angry, on edge, and sad. I think that for now, the best thing to do is just to try to understand where your husband is coming from, because he''s facing the reality that he might lost his mom, which is so upsetting. I think it''s best to just tell yourself that he''s not angry at you, but at his own family situation right now.

 

[aprilcait]

I''m sorry to hear about your ex, Vespergirl! You''re 100% right though. Thank you for the perspectiv! I really appreciate it.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I''m so sorry for your MIL and your family. My thoughts go out to you.

 

[bee*]

I''m really sorry to hear that. Sending my best wishes.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I have no good advice...just support. I wish everyone involved the best, and peace of mind and heart.

 

[2Artists]

I am so sorry- sending hugs and prayers during this painful time.

Mrs.2Artists

 

[aprilcait]

Thank you everyone for your support and advice! I really appreciate it.

MIL is doing pretty well. She receives frequent transfusions and has started the chemo. Besides a bit of an upset tummy (and a lot of big purple bruises from the leukemia), she''s doing pretty well. The nursing staff is great, and she has a nice, big private room. We hooked up a DVD player for her, bought her seasons of her favorite shows on DVD and brought in some of her favorite movies, brought in a few of her Beanie Babies, and set up a digital picture frame that circulates through a variety of pictures.

BIL is regularaly taking video of the family dog and bringing it in to show MIL. The family dog is MIL''s baby, so she loves it.

Any other suggestions of things to bring for her would be great. Thanks!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I would suggest following his lead. When he wants to talk, he''ll let you know. It''s always so hard to read how a person needs to be comforted or supported in a situation like this.

One thing I do for Paul when I know he''s stressed out or upset about something is to write him a note, just a quick one, telling him he''s loved and that I''m here for whatever he needs, whenever, whatever. Then I tuck it into his work bag or something like that, or leave it in his car, and hope that he''ll find it at just the right point in the day that he''ll need it most.

Being able to go back and read something that a person is thinking is much more tangible than just hearing the words they say, which you may not be focused in on when you are zoned out, worried about what''s going on with other family members.