Hubby bad reaction to re-set idea

[WindyCitySparkle]

We got engaged in 2005. My husband proposed without a ring, and let me do the shopping around in Chicago's diamond district. He was living in Utah at the time, so we had planned that I would narrow things down and he would come in to help make the final selection. I ended up narrowing it down to a Cartier simple solitaire or a diamond from a downtown dealer with a Simon G setting. We chose the loose diamond/Simon G because we could get a lot more for our budget ($10K) (a 1 carat beautifully cut diamond with a matching wedding set).

Anyway, I've never been 100% happy with the setting. It was semi-custom since I asked them to replace round side stones with princess side stones, and there are little imperfections in the setting. It's also really high-set, the milgraining is off in places, etc etc. And now I have a 2 year old and another baby on the way and it's not very practical to wear all the time. Also, I recently got a tiny little rose gold eternity band, which I love but it doesn't look good with the engagement ring. I'd like to "stack" different rings but the engagement ring doesn't allow that, and my right hand is a full size bigger so I can't switch things over.

Last night over dinner I asked hubby how he would feel if I was to put my diamond into a simple solitaire for the next few years... then in 5 years or so I could either put it back, or maybe put a sapphire in the old setting and wear it occasionally (a sapphire with the milgraining/side stones would look nice). He got REALLY sad. Basically ruined the whole night, which we had been enjoying at a restaurant, and he was still upset this morning. I had no idea he would react so strongly. And now I feel awful, both because I upset him so much, and also because now what the heck do I do??? I still don't want to wear the old setting all the time, but maybe now I'm not going to get to wear my diamond in a simple solitaire either. UGH.

I know no one will be able to tell me what to do. I guess I'm just venting and hoping someone had a similar experience that turned out well.

 

[SB621]

I think some men get really suprised that women want to change out their rings after a while. I would just give your DH time and he will probably come around to the idea. My DH was really upset when I first brought it up but honestly rings are sort of like chapters in my life. I feel differently about my ring set at 22 years old then I do at 30 years old. I didnt know what I wanted back then- it took years for me to define my jewelry style. Ultimately my DH just wanted me to be happy and love my set. I think you should give your man some time and then bring it up again. Would he drive the same car for the next 40+ years? Probably not. Let him know you love your rings, but they just don't fit the lifestyle you have now. Just like your relationship your ring set can evolve.

 

[Circe]

I did, though I can't say my husband reacted strongly - in our whole marriage, he's flown off the handle, like, twice (once when I invited a guest to stay without mentioning it to him first, which, fair enough, and once when I ate the last of his weird Swedish dill potato chips when I was hungry, which ... just makes him a weirdo). It took about a year, but he came around - and we didn't even really talk about it in the meantime. The idea just needed time to percolate.

Full story: I'd been looking for a reset for my anniversary ring, because the setting is actually very similar to my original engagement ring. But the setting I found - gorgeous, one of a kind antique - was a better fit for the e-ring stone. I mentioned it to my husband, and he was good at first, but then seemed wistful. It turned out that Captain Pragmatic felt sentimental about the original setting (which amused me, a little, since I picked it out myself, too). But, no big - I bid adieu to the gorgeous setting, which probably wouldn't have been very practical, and kept on keeping an eye out.

I've just had a repair nightmare with the anniversary ring, so I was trolling eBay for possible resets when I spotted a setting that was EVEN BETTER than the first one I fell in love with. The irony is that it, too, would fit the e-ring stone. But I got it on the chance it could be modified. And when it arrived, I loved it, and pointed out that it was sooooooo comfortable and, unlike my e-ring, didn't snag on anything, and I could always put my e-ring stone back once the kid was bigger ... and he's totally okay with it.

(I think it does also factor in that they are saying they have fixed the anniversary ring - it is to be picked up this week, fingers crossed - so if we DON'T reset the e-ring stone into the new setting, he knows I will be jonesing for a stone to set into it in the near future. He IS Captain Pragmatic.)

The irony is that now *I* am feeling sentimental ... but that is a topic for another thread.

Could I ask exactly what it was about the idea that set your husband off? Did he feel like you didn't value the sentiment, or ...?

 

[WindyCitySparkle]

Thanks to both of you.

Circe, to answer your question, yes, I think he felt that I didn't feel sentimental about the ring. I am generally a pretty picky consumer, and if there's anything wrong with something that we buy, I am usually advocating exchanging/returning it for something perfect. So I guess his feeling was that I was doing that with this ring, that I'll never be satisfied with anything, and that the sentiment didn't matter to me, just the perfection. Anyway, I do feel sentimental about the ring, but in honesty I guess not sentimental enough to outweigh the things about it that bother me. I feel like he's being kind of hard on me - I'm not suggesting upgrading the diamond, or even "upgrading" the setting - kind of downsizing in a way.

Giving him time seems like the right idea... I just hate having unresolved issues lingering around in the meantime - they weigh on my head and heart and really distract me from focusing on work (which I should be doing at the moment).

 

[iheartscience]

I don't understand why women have the emotional and dramatic label, because men are just as emotional and dramatic, if not more so!

I would just let your husband know that you want to enjoy your ring now, and point out that at least this way you'll get to wear the diamond. Plus you're not getting rid of the setting or the e-ring. Honestly, if I were in your exact shoes I would just do what I wanted and let him come around to it. It's your ring, you wear it, not him. But I'm less tolerant than most.

ETA and I actually recently upgraded. My husband (ever the procrastinator) was like "I thought you were going to wait for our 10 year WEDDING anniversary, not our 10 year dating anniversary." I was like "NOPE I'd like to change it now!" and he came around quickly. He realizes he doesn't wear it, so it doesn't truly affect him. And I kept my setting, just traded in the diamond. Not that it really matters, IMO. It's just a piece of jewelry. I know there's symbolism, etc., but really, it's a ring, not your marriage.

 

[Circe]

I know what you mean. I can never let go of a thing until I feel like we're not mad at one another about it any more.

It's funny, I used to think of myself as being sentimental about things, but I've slowly come to feel like the emotions are the emotions and the signifiers are the signifiers, and it only feels respectful to the emotion to make the signifier as perfect as possible.

I think his reaction was inappropriate in a number of ways - like you say, you don't want to change the stone, which is the important part, and you are open to setting it back in the future! But he feels how he feels, and it sucks the fun out of it when a partner is less than enthusiastic about a wedding set project. Could you have your original setting fixed so the problem areas don't bother you any more, and size it for your right hand, maybe? That way you get the stacking option you want, and hopefully, your ring doesn't catch as much or bug you. And in the meantime, you can have some philosophical conversations about it all, without anybody's feelings getting hurt ... maybe opening the door for a possible reset in the future?

 

[WindyCitySparkle]

It's nice to talk to people who understand .

The setting can't really be fixed in a way that would make me want to wear it every day. I keep thinking that it would be so nice with a big, dark blue sapphire in it - maybe for our 10 year anniversary in 2016 he could find me one -- and then I could wear it occasionally.

I hope he comes around, and that I have the patience to wait for him. We can both be pretty stubborn, though. He's an only child and I'm an oldest

 

[TC1987]

I would reset it into a simple solitiare and then I'd get a sapphire from that BTD site and put it in the wedding set. And that could be done for under $1000, possibly well under $1000 if you used a gold setting from Stuller and didn't need platinum or custom or designer solitaire.

 

[distracts]

and once when I ate the last of his weird Swedish dill potato chips when I was hungry, which ... just makes him a weirdo).

ahahahhahah CIRCE.

Dude I don't even know what would happen if I mentioned an upgrade or re-set to my fiance. He would probably walk off and not speak to me for a week. If I ever hint that anything about my ring is not 100% perfect, he feels like I am slamming the relationship or his providing ability and I want to break up with him and run away to have orgies in the circus or something. I don't know. He can't ever verbalize why it upsets him so much but it clearly does. I can love my ring while recognizing that it has flaws but apparently he cannot. Like, one time I said I thought I may want the half-moons replaced at some point because I thought one was hazy and he was so upset about it (and it turns out it actually wasn't... I just went like six months with some gunk stuck under there that my at-home cleaning couldn't remove, lol). So... I would say this seems like normal dude behavior. Mine, anyway, is perfectly happy for me to have many other rings, including alternate engagement rings. And he has come around to the idea of having a stable of wedding bands, which he was originally resistant to (the key here, I think, was that my wedding band, like my ring, is three-sided pave, and those two plus a spacer is a super big dramatic look, and he is fine with me wanting to look more low-key, even just with lower-key diamond bands, and then bust out the big guns for fancy events, which makes it seem more special).

I don't understand why women have the emotional and dramatic label, because men are just as emotional and dramatic, if not more so!

So true. In another thread dealing with a customer service nightmare scenario, I found it funny that the vendor would ask to speak to the husband because my fiance is SO HORRIBLE at customer service interactions and gets mad on the phone and will, like, end up shouting at the poor AT&T people and then looking stressed and frazzled all day. I deal with ALL of that because I can keep my cool. He also gets really emotional about hockey. He cries if our team doesn't win. I like hockey but I am not THAT invested.

 

[Circe]

and once when I ate the last of his weird Swedish dill potato chips when I was hungry, which ... just makes him a weirdo).

ahahahhahah CIRCE.

Dude I don't even know what would happen if I mentioned an upgrade or re-set to my fiance. He would probably walk off and not speak to me for a week. If I ever hint that anything about my ring is not 100% perfect, he feels like I am slamming the relationship or his providing ability and I want to break up with him and run away to have orgies in the circus or something. I don't know. He can't ever verbalize why it upsets him so much but it clearly does. I can love my ring while recognizing that it has flaws but apparently he cannot. Like, one time I said I thought I may want the half-moons replaced at some point because I thought one was hazy and he was so upset about it (and it turns out it actually wasn't... I just went like six months with some gunk stuck under there that my at-home cleaning couldn't remove, lol). So... I would say this seems like normal dude behavior. Mine, anyway, is perfectly happy for me to have many other rings, including alternate engagement rings. And he has come around to the idea of having a stable of wedding bands, which he was originally resistant to (the key here, I think, was that my wedding band, like my ring, is three-sided pave, and those two plus a spacer is a super big dramatic look, and he is fine with me wanting to look more low-key, even just with lower-key diamond bands, and then bust out the big guns for fancy events, which makes it seem more special).

I don't understand why women have the emotional and dramatic label, because men are just as emotional and dramatic, if not more so!

So true. In another thread dealing with a customer service nightmare scenario, I found it funny that the vendor would ask to speak to the husband because my fiance is SO HORRIBLE at customer service interactions and gets mad on the phone and will, like, end up shouting at the poor AT&T people and then looking stressed and frazzled all day. I deal with ALL of that because I can keep my cool. He also gets really emotional about hockey. He cries if our team doesn't win. I like hockey but I am not THAT invested.

A) Seriously, those chips are naaaaaaaaaaaasty. Not even homesickness justifies that deep a connection to them.

B) Cirque de Melee!

C) Yeah, even beyond the bit where it is condescending as hell to ask to speak to the gentleman of the household on a matter that the lady has well in hand ... if it'd happened in my situation, I would only have to assume that the vendor enjoyed being yelled at. My husband doesn't fly off the handle, but he's really quite exasperated at what he sees as the inadequacies of American customer service. As he puts it, being nice never gets results. So he yells, escalates, and gets prompt service. I'd take a note from his book, but when you try those techniques as a lady-person, you just get tagged as a bitch. So instead, I cry on command. Demeaning? Yes. Effective? ... yes.

Don't judge me. If it's a choice between making like a waterworks or not getting the last seat on that flight, I will do what I have to do.

 

[iheartscience]

Ha I do the calm but mean voice and just stay on the phone/at the counter until I get my way. My husband also gets WAY MORE snippy and rude than me on the phone. He gets frustrated a lot more easily than I do, so I'm definitely the person to speak to in a bad customer service situation.

 

[rosetta]

I think your request and possible solution is very reasonable.

I'm a very blunt person, so if my husband acted like this I would tell him to pull up his big boy pants and get over it. As it is, he feels that my rings were a gift, so he doesn't try to exert control over them any longer. I don't want to upgrade, but I'd like more diamond rings in future, to mark life events. I'd have no problem if he wanted to change his wedding ring for some practical reason either. I gave it to him, it's his to do as he pleases. Our marriage is independent of all material things, in both our opinions.

 

[Laila619]

I really don't get why a man would care about a ring that he isn't the one wearing?

I'm like thing2, in my marriage I would just do it and let my DH come around (though he honestly wouldn't care in the first place). Nothing phases him with all my ring and jewelry whims anymore, he's like "Eh, whatever you want."

 

[SB621]

Distracts best post EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Orgie at the circus?!?!?! I almost fell out of my chair laughing so hard.

 

[JewelFreak]

So did I! And i love the last of the dill (ick) potato chips! My DH is that way about his beloved Dutch cheese.

I'm with the get-used-to-it crowd but every marriage is different. I do think he'll come around in time -- if he doesn't, you may decide in time that HE'S not wearing the ring -- you are & you want to be happy with something you have on every day.

It doesn't sound practical for dealing with kids, housework, & all that stuff. You wouldn't want to bend it or damage it -- how about that for a tack with him?

Lifestyle changes enormously from dewy-eyed engagement to children & parenting -- your furniture changes, your car choices, clothing, what you eat, where you live. You don't keep all those the same, rings ditto. You're not throwing the setting away, just substituting something easier to wear at this stage. All of our tastes evolve as we go along too -- life would be darn boring otherwise! It's a perfectly reasonable desire -- give him some time. Then do it anyway.

--- Laurie

 

[fiona00004]

I agree with Sarahbear and thing2of2... give him time. he will come around.

LOL with what Circe said!!

My DH freaked both times about the upgrade idea, and then about adding the halo idea. He was not happy about the money involved and then with adding a halo, he was also very insecure and not convinced that I will be satisfied with the halo. He is sooo afraid that I will always not like something and keep changing things. thing is, how can you promise that "this is the last change."? I couldn't tell him that. He was somewhat sad to see the original ering go, but in the end, he came around and said "after all you are the one wearing it and if it makes you happy..."

 

[Rosebloom]

and once when I ate the last of his weird Swedish dill potato chips when I was hungry, which ... just makes him a weirdo).

ahahahhahah CIRCE.

Dude I don't even know what would happen if I mentioned an upgrade or re-set to my fiance. He would probably walk off and not speak to me for a week. If I ever hint that anything about my ring is not 100% perfect, he feels like I am slamming the relationship or his providing ability and I want to break up with him and run away to have orgies in the circus or something. I don't know. He can't ever verbalize why it upsets him so much but it clearly does. I can love my ring while recognizing that it has flaws but apparently he cannot. Like, one time I said I thought I may want the half-moons replaced at some point because I thought one was hazy and he was so upset about it (and it turns out it actually wasn't... I just went like six months with some gunk stuck under there that my at-home cleaning couldn't remove, lol). So... I would say this seems like normal dude behavior. Mine, anyway, is perfectly happy for me to have many other rings, including alternate engagement rings. And he has come around to the idea of having a stable of wedding bands, which he was originally resistant to (the key here, I think, was that my wedding band, like my ring, is three-sided pave, and those two plus a spacer is a super big dramatic look, and he is fine with me wanting to look more low-key, even just with lower-key diamond bands, and then bust out the big guns for fancy events, which makes it seem more special).

I don't understand why women have the emotional and dramatic label, because men are just as emotional and dramatic, if not more so!

So true. In another thread dealing with a customer service nightmare scenario, I found it funny that the vendor would ask to speak to the husband because my fiance is SO HORRIBLE at customer service interactions and gets mad on the phone and will, like, end up shouting at the poor AT&T people and then looking stressed and frazzled all day. I deal with ALL of that because I can keep my cool. He also gets really emotional about hockey. He cries if our team doesn't win. I like hockey but I am not THAT invested.

Oh my gosh you are hilarious!!

 

[Rosebloom]

It's funny, I used to think of myself as being sentimental about things, but I've slowly come to feel like the emotions are the emotions and the signifiers are the signifiers, and it only feels respectful to the emotion to make the signifier as perfect as possible.

Circe, I love your posts. Seriously. This quote is especially insightful and articulates something I often think but hadn't yet put into words. I might even have to out that as my tag line were I clever enough to know how to do so.

 

[Circe]

It's funny, I used to think of myself as being sentimental about things, but I've slowly come to feel like the emotions are the emotions and the signifiers are the signifiers, and it only feels respectful to the emotion to make the signifier as perfect as possible.

Circe, I love your posts. Seriously. This quote is especially insightful and articulates something I often think but hadn't yet put into words. I might even have to out that as my tag line were I clever enough to know how to do so.

Why, thank you! ::preens::

 

[mrs jam]

He'll come around. Now that you've put the little bee in his bonnet, just let the idea percolate for a while.

My husband wasn't crazy about the idea of me upgrading (I went from a 1.10 to a 2.52 ct) but as long as I kept my original e-ring, he was fine. Every once in a while, he looks at my new ring and makes a comment about how he wished he would have been able to buy me a larger diamond in the first place, and I just tell him that my original e-ring is special and lovely to me. I had originally intended to ease him into the idea of buying a matching 1 ct. and making a pair of studs, but I think that would be pushing it. He is really attached to the idea of me keeping it as it is, even though I never wear it anymore now that I have my upgrade.

Everybody has their "thing," that one luxury item that puts a silly smile on their face. For my husband, it's his fancy home entertainment system and car; for me, it's my wedding set and handbag. I might not shower regularly during my time off from work, and I live in camou cargo pants and flip flops, but I always feel like a million bucks when I look down at my finger.

Just give him some time, and I'm willing to bet he will get used to the idea!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Welcome! You have come to the right place!

Most of us here who have been married awhile have replaced our original wedding set! I brought it up that I'd like to have new settings because my originals were yellow gold and I wanted platinum. But he was sentimental and said why didn't I just leave them as they are and get NEW rings for our anniversary?!!! I think my hubby is a genius!!! He might be sorry now because I am still working on upgrading the final set, even though I should be old enough not to care at this point! But he doesn't care what I do with them at this point, and in fact, if I changed them without him knowing (which I wouldn't), he'd never notice the difference!!!

Anyway, I am in the camp of telling him how much you love the original setting and definitely want a sapphire in it so you can wear it some. And the solitaire will be more practical for the time being. I am a little concerned that you may have trouble getting used to the decrease in size going to a solitaire from a halo, though.

 

[Gypsy]

Time, definitely. Also eventually make sure you explain you are sentimental about your set, plan on keeping your diamond, and you would set your daughter's birthstone in it, and wear it on occasion and pass it to her when she turns 18.

 

[WindyCitySparkle]

Thanks everyone! I will try my best to give him time... I'm not the most patient person once I've decided what I want, but we did just sign a contract on a different house last night so that should distract me for a little while... oh, and the due date for the birth of our son in June. And my full-time job as a lawyer... ha! Time? What's that?

I actually don't have a halo right now - just side stones. The band on my original e-ring is 3 mm, and the wedding band is 2.5 mm, which I think together make my 1 carat diamond look smaller than it is. The ring I have my eye on is a Brian Gavin rose gold solitaire that's only 1.9 mm wide. Maybe for one of these upcoming holidays - baby boy's birth, our anniversary in September.... Hopefully I'll be showing my face soon in SMTB!

 

[pregcurious]

I think that all the messages that are given to get a guy to pour a lot of money into a ring (that it's forever, a symbol of your love etc.) are the same things that make a man attached to it, even though he isn't the one wearing it. If it were sold as a "token" of affection, I think guys would be less attached, but they would also not spend so much money on it.

 

[Rosebloom]

Btw WindyCity, are you still in Chicago? If so, please come to the GTG in April! I'll bump the thread for you.

 

[chel180]

I think your reset idea is lovely, turn the one ring into two and makes perfect sense to me. There are plenty of fancy designs that I would love to own but due to my lifestyle I know they wouldn't get worn too often hence I have a very plain solitaire.
Will your dh not accept the statement " I love it and its beautiful but I don't feel safe with it around the baby"?
My original ering was only a temp setting so luckily resetting was always the plan. We spent all we could afford at the time in the diamond.

i recently purchased a new ring and made the throw away comment that if I ever get bored with it I'll turn it into a pendant or something. Hubby said that if I keep thinking like that I'll never be happy with anything ever. My dh is a mild mannered man so that was quite a harsh statement from him. I, like other posters think forever is a long time and I do expect my tastes to change over that time and therefore my jewellery too. I liked the car analogy above so next time I mention something like this to dh I will use it.

 

[WindyCitySparkle]

Rosebloom --- I would love to, but actually no, we moved to St. Louis about 18 months ago.

 

[LaraOnline]

Our marriage is independent of all material things, in both our opinions.

This is an interesting discussion. I always find it interesting when men get upset about the wedding jewels lol.
In many cases (such as mine - Aussie guy) he really didn't take that much interest in the engagement ring in the first place, except in terms of trying to limit the amount of money he was handing over. god love him.

My man may have said it was a sentimental thing, but tbh there is not much of a sentimental streak in him and I think he was simply trying to contain the upcoming jewellery spend heheh. The words 'where will it all end' may have come out of his mouth a couple of times lmao.

I'm not sure he would enjoy me NOT wearing a wedding ring... it does serve a practical purpose, after all.

For this reason, I did not feel bad about (eventually) changing up my wedding ring. And as our married life has deepened *he's grown up cough* he's gotten used to the idea of me spending a little money on my priorities / interests as well as his own.

But hey there's plenty of women that watch their men like a hawk and complain if they spend a hundred bucks on fishing gear. I'm not that person, so perhaps what comes around goes around and he felt that in all fairness he just couldn't or shouldn't stop me.

Take your time, you've got plenty, and if all else fails, take responsibility for it yourself. Does he have a qualified opinion? Up to you to decide, I guess heheh. But you have to be fair. And nice. Even when the impatience is killing you lol. A different type of 'Lady in Waiting' .

But the longer it takes, the more certain and sure you will be. Slowly but sure! But surely a simple reset is a little less of a deal than changing stones. And you get two for the price of one, so what's not to love?

 

[ame]

Rosebloom --- I would love to, but actually no, we moved to St. Louis about 18 months ago.

Oooooohhh whereabouts???

 

[WindyCitySparkle]

Well we've been living in Chesterfield since Oct 2011 but are about to move to Ballwin just west of Kirkwood - off of Barrett Station if you're around here!