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How would you rate your self-esteem? How has it changed over time?

MRBXXXFVVS1

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 5, 2019
Messages
1,307
How would you rate your self-esteem? How has it changed over time?

It wasn't until recently that I realized that I have rather low self-esteem. I think this stems from growing up in a hyper competitive, achievement, and results focused environment. This resulted in a relentless chase of academic, professional, and financial "success" to "prove" my (self) worth, as nothing was ever good enough. I was (still am) very selfless and altruistic, meeting all "obligations" even though I don't want to, probably because subconsciously I put everyone's worth above my own.

Looking back, I find this to be very mentally and emotionally damaging. I'm still struggling with this, but everyday I try to fight it and take steps to build my self-worth and esteem, but it's not easy to take one's mental/emotional health "down to the studs" and rebuild, after being wired and reinforced to be a certain way. I hope I can find balance and not overcompensate with my hopefully future children. I want them to be healthy, happy, loved, and kind people. Everyone is different, but honestly it makes me sad when I hear/see kids participating in extra-curricular academics, tiger parenting, or people working 100 hours a week and chasing the next promotion.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
47,543
I used to be a perfectionist. And very hard on myself. I’ve let that go. Perfect is the opposite of good enough.
I think I have a realistic self image. Thanks to my parents who instilled good values and a healthy and realistic self image. I accept who I am knowing I am imperfect but always striving to do better. I am content with who I am and at peace. I am trying to leave this world a little better for having been here. Every day.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
47,543
How would you rate your self-esteem? How has it changed over time?

It wasn't until recently that I realized that I have rather low self-esteem. I think this stems from growing up in a hyper competitive, achievement, and results focused environment. This resulted in a relentless chase of academic, professional, and financial "success" to "prove" my (self) worth, as nothing was ever good enough. I was (still am) very selfless and altruistic, meeting all "obligations" even though I don't want to, probably because subconsciously I put everyone's worth above my own.

Looking back, I find this to be very mentally and emotionally damaging. I'm still struggling with this, but everyday I try to fight it and take steps to build my self-worth and esteem, but it's not easy to take one's mental/emotional health "down to the studs" and rebuild, after being wired and reinforced to be a certain way. I hope I can find balance and not overcompensate with my hopefully future children. I want them to be healthy, happy, loved, and kind people. Everyone is different, but honestly it makes me sad when I hear/see kids participating in extra-curricular academics, tiger parenting, or people working 100 hours a week and chasing the next promotion.

I have so much I want to say to you. I’m on the go typing on my phone and it’s going wonky. For now (((hugs))).
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
8,727
I struggle with self-esteem, it comes mainly from being rejected by my family. No idea how my two brothers could be so ambivalent about my existence, my father when I was a teenager said I would never be important until I got married, stuff like that really sticks with you. It would almost be better if they disliked me, at least that is an acknowledgment but ambivalence is like ceasing to exist.

Hence when someone gives me a compliment it really give me a boost. Even on PS, Queenie once commented that I was a “quality and upstanding mother”, meant the world to me, still does. I have serious doubts about my abilities often but I’m working on it. Now I say I was born into the wrong family, sometimes you win and sometimes you don’t get so lucky.
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
8,727
@MRBXXXFVVS1, I hope you are able to find some peace, I imagine growing up with that level of stress and expectation could be so damaging over the long term. I think coming from a challenging background, it makes you want so much better for your own children that it almost becomes instinct to not let the cycle repeat. There is probably a better way to say that. I send you all the best on your healing journey.
 

MRBXXXFVVS1

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 5, 2019
Messages
1,307
Thanks, @missy and @YadaYadaYada . I'm hoping to be less of a perfectionist myself, but it's easier said than done. I have realized that perfectionism is just optimizing for the wrong things - perfection can't really be achieved anyway. The ultimate "optimization" is for happiness and well being. DH does this well, I am trying to learn from him. "Good enough" is sufficient for most things, 80/20 rule. My parents and others meant well, providing an environment for achievement was their way of showing love and I am grateful for the opportunities I had.

@YadaYadaYada I'm sorry that you feel rejected by your family. Sending a big, virtual hug! I think a lot of people actually struggle with self-esteem and it causes them to act the way they do. I've found the The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi to be a good resource, if you're interested in checking it out!
 

kipari

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
3,125
@MRBXXXFVVS1 I'm sorry your struggling and hope you can allow yourself to let go of the damaging doubts!!

@YadaYadaYada , I'm truly you had to experience this. You're a survivor. And I have a very deep respect for people who overcome the hurt that has been caused and be empathetic and wonderful people, more importantly parents. It's not easy and it's not common. Many repeat the cycle of hurt, not doing so is a choice and very very very hard work. Every.single.day.
Look at what you have achieved. You're a wonderful parent. From what you've shared here, your boys are wonderful, empathetic, young humans. It's not my place to tell you how you should feel, but it'd definitely be in order to be proud of yourself!! Bug hugs!!
 

kipari

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
3,125
I've had loving parents and a generally great childhood, so I think I'm fine. I did and still do suffer from a very strong sense of duty and obligation, though. I believe it is a good thing, fundamentally, but some people are great in spotting this in me and thus guilting me according to their agenda.

It was only in my fourties that I understood that truly nasty people exist and that their issues are THEIR problem, not mine . A finel line to tread, indeed since I am empathetic and do think listening to others is important. I just don't let anyone suck the self esteem out of me just because of their own issues/insecurities/ mental health problems.

I don't need to be liked by everyone.
 

elizat

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2013
Messages
3,261
How would you rate your self-esteem? How has it changed over time?

It wasn't until recently that I realized that I have rather low self-esteem. I think this stems from growing up in a hyper competitive, achievement, and results focused environment. This resulted in a relentless chase of academic, professional, and financial "success" to "prove" my (self) worth, as nothing was ever good enough. I was (still am) very selfless and altruistic, meeting all "obligations" even though I don't want to, probably because subconsciously I put everyone's worth above my own.

Looking back, I find this to be very mentally and emotionally damaging. I'm still struggling with this, but everyday I try to fight it and take steps to build my self-worth and esteem, but it's not easy to take one's mental/emotional health "down to the studs" and rebuild, after being wired and reinforced to be a certain way. I hope I can find balance and not overcompensate with my hopefully future children. I want them to be healthy, happy, loved, and kind people. Everyone is different, but honestly it makes me sad when I hear/see kids participating in extra-curricular academics, tiger parenting, or people working 100 hours a week and chasing the next promotion.

I feel for you. I can relate and want to say it's ok to try to rebuild it.

I'm someone that is a perfectionist. Whenever anything goes wrong, I think it's my fault somehow, someway, even when it's impossible it's my fault logically. I replay what people say in my head over and over on a loop. I have a tremendous amount of negative self talk and much of my upbringing was focused on how I didn't measure up and would never. My parents "motivated" me by telling me I'd never go to college. I'd never be successful. Even with a college degree and a graduate/professional degree, I have not let it go at almost 40. There are so many other things too, but that's the tip of it.

I just want to say I don't know how to fix it, but you aren't alone and it's ok to be a work in progress.
 

Bron357

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 22, 2014
Messages
5,514
I struggle with self-esteem, it comes mainly from being rejected by my family. No idea how my two brothers could be so ambivalent about my existence, my father when I was a teenager said I would never be important until I got married, stuff like that really sticks with you. It would almost be better if they disliked me, at least that is an acknowledgment but ambivalence is like ceasing to exist.

Hence when someone gives me a compliment it really give me a boost. Even on PS, Queenie once commented that I was a “quality and upstanding mother”, meant the world to me, still does. I have serious doubts about my abilities often but I’m working on it. Now I say I was born into the wrong family, sometimes you win and sometimes you don’t get so lucky.

I’m sorry @YadaYadaYada , unfortunately you can’t choose your blood family but you can choose your friends. You are a wonderful person, kind, caring and supportive. Be proud that you became such a great person despite the outright negativity of your family who not only failed to support you emotionally they didn’t care that they might damage you.
That is their loss, their shortcoming, not yours.
Your Pricescope family loves you and supports you :kiss2:
 

rainbowstarry

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 2, 2021
Messages
35
@MRBXXXFVVS1 I loved what you wrote “it's not easy to take one's mental/emotional health "down to the studs"”

You are not alone. I am going through this process and it is two steps forward four steps back sometimes but I try and keep going with the hope that it will be worth it in the end and I will be a better parent, spouse and friend but mostly a better friend to myself
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
47,543
How would you rate your self-esteem? How has it changed over time?

It wasn't until recently that I realized that I have rather low self-esteem. I think this stems from growing up in a hyper competitive, achievement, and results focused environment. This resulted in a relentless chase of academic, professional, and financial "success" to "prove" my (self) worth, as nothing was ever good enough. I was (still am) very selfless and altruistic, meeting all "obligations" even though I don't want to, probably because subconsciously I put everyone's worth above my own.

Looking back, I find this to be very mentally and emotionally damaging. I'm still struggling with this, but everyday I try to fight it and take steps to build my self-worth and esteem, but it's not easy to take one's mental/emotional health "down to the studs" and rebuild, after being wired and reinforced to be a certain way. I hope I can find balance and not overcompensate with my hopefully future children. I want them to be healthy, happy, loved, and kind people. Everyone is different, but honestly it makes me sad when I hear/see kids participating in extra-curricular academics, tiger parenting, or people working 100 hours a week and chasing the next promotion.

I just want to say I know you will be a wonderful parent. You will show your children unconditional love and acceptance each and every day. That is the most valuable gift any parent can give their child. Period.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, partner, friend etc. Rather, it is acceptance and love and open communication that makes a relationship a good one. I know you know this but please forgive me for stating the obvious. Sometimes it is good to state the obvious.

And for parent to child unconditional love is critical. For the child to know yes, he/she is accepted and loved just the way they are. That is the building block for healthy adulthood IMO. And I know you rock in that regard @MRBXXXFVVS1. I know you will raise happy and kind and loved children who will become kind and loving adults.

raisingkids.jpg

Please don't be so hard on yourself and remember one day at a time. Being a mom/dad is the most important job in the world and you need to be kind to yourself and remember one day at a time. ((((Hugs)))).

And to all those who had challenging childhoods kudos to you for becoming such well adjusted and kind and loving adults. You are that much more amazing that you overcame and became the wonderful people you are today.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
47,543
I struggle with self-esteem, it comes mainly from being rejected by my family. No idea how my two brothers could be so ambivalent about my existence, my father when I was a teenager said I would never be important until I got married, stuff like that really sticks with you. It would almost be better if they disliked me, at least that is an acknowledgment but ambivalence is like ceasing to exist.

Hence when someone gives me a compliment it really give me a boost. Even on PS, Queenie once commented that I was a “quality and upstanding mother”, meant the world to me, still does. I have serious doubts about my abilities often but I’m working on it. Now I say I was born into the wrong family, sometimes you win and sometimes you don’t get so lucky.

The fact that you overcame all those challenges and became the amazing mother that you are to your children is that much more incredible. You became (to your children) who you needed when you were young. ❤️ You might have been born into the wrong family but you have the "right" family now. And that is what matters.
 

Made in London

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
654
I have always strived to meet my goals & I have succeeded in everything that I've set my mind to. The foundation is my own business that I have run for the last 42 years. I am a perfectionist by nature & drive myself by my own standards. I love my life & everything in it.......apart for my health problems.......but I'm fighting those too=)2
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
8,727
Thanks @missy, I really do have the right family now, so in that sense I’m very lucky. Thank you for your kind words!
 

stracci2000

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 26, 2007
Messages
5,709
My self esteem has been pretty good my whole life.
I'm sure it was because my family supported and encouraged me as a kid. I was always the artistic one in the family, and loved drawing and painting.
So in school, I was "the artist" and the teachers would ask me to decorate the bulletin boards and make posters and murals, illustrate the yearbook, etc. I think that allowed me to feel special and gave me a boost that helped me develop a good sense of self.
I went on to art school where I sailed through easily, even winning a scholarship.
Nowadays, even though there have been many ups and downs in my life, I usually feel confident and self-assured about most things.
 

stracci2000

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 26, 2007
Messages
5,709
@MRBXXXFVVS1 , I'm sure some families mean well, but pressuring from parents to excel is not useful, IMHO. It creates stress, and I'm sad that you have been impacted your whole life because of it.

@YadaYadaYada , I'm so glad you have your own wonderful family now. I know you are strong, intelligent and resilient!

@elizat That is awful to endure demeaning comments from parents.
I hope you can work to overcome the negative thoughts.

(((Big hugs))) to all of you!
 
Last edited:

erislynn

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 8, 2016
Messages
141
I think I know where you’re coming from. My parents were also very much tiger parents, and even though you could say I’ve attained some success in life, the emotional toll it’s taken on me has taken twenty years to begin to heal. The most important part of beginning to heal is awareness, so it’s great that you’re already there. It’s been an uphill battle most of the time with rewiring and sometimes the best answer has just been to accept myself as I am. Slowly but surely the change will happen.

If you’re interested, you might find Oprah’s new book a good read. It’s called What Happened To You and has some insight on child development and parenting too.

Slightly off topic, does anyone else think it’s great that Simone Biles withdrew from the team competition to take care of her own mental health?
 

voce

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 13, 2018
Messages
4,819
I think I was born with high self-esteem, because I never felt like I was making an effort to achieve anything in childhood. Once my parents started placing expectations on me nothing was good enough, and ironically I developed an altruistic side of me because I thought I could be better than others. For example, I would suppress my own feelings to help others, including 2-3 times when I quashed feelings for a guy a friend confessed she liked, and actively helped the girl catch the attention of the guy. I gave a lot of time to help a friend over the grief of losing both her grandparents, without thinking or realizing the detrimental effect this would have on my own mental health when I lost my own grandparents shortly after. This kept happening with different girl friends, lol, and these days I have more guy friends than girl friends. Guys are a lot less needy when it comes to wanting emotional support from friends.

My self-esteem was low, for a long time, between 20-30, when there was just no pleasing my parents, and even my brother blamed me for not achieving. He got most of the tiger parenting because prior to age 18 my parents never felt like they had to do anything to push me.

Once I learned to give up on perfectionism and stop caring what my parents thought of me, my self-esteem just came back naturally. Of course, it helps that I put myself in a positive work environment, about as far from wall street competitiveness as I can get.
 

GliderPoss

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,801
I've had loving parents and a generally great childhood, so I think I'm fine. I did and still do suffer from a very strong sense of duty and obligation, though. I believe it is a good thing, fundamentally, but some people are great in spotting this in me and thus guilting me according to their agenda.
Yeah I relate to this too. So blessed to have a loving, supportive & down to earth family which has given me a good sense of self worth but I’m rather perfectionist at work and often loyal to a fault which has backfired on me many times :wall:No one is perfect and you shouldn’t expect yourself to be either!
 
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