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How would you feel?

HollyS

HollyS

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 18, 2007
Messages
6,105
I don''t really want to get into many details, but here''s the thing:

An ex has contacted me - - 29 years after he married someone else, 31 years after we got engaged, 30 years after we broke up. He''s not widowed, or divorced. Just nostalgic. Just feeling sorry for himself maybe. Just having a mid-life crisis perhaps.

He has "never gotten over me". He feels he "lost his soulmate". He said "he''s sorry for hurting me". He''s kept photos for 30 years, which he scanned and sent to me this morning. He called me on my birthday . . . my birthday . . . how the heck did he remember my birthday 30 years later????

I''ve been very nice to him, sent him wedding photos of DH and I, talked to him casually over the phone.

It''s not like we''ve not seen each other in 30 years - - I went to both his parent''s funerals and saw him then and hugged his neck, and he popped in to my work one day at my previous job. I see his family members occasionally, and we have those "Hey, how ya doin''?" conversations. We''re not enemies, even though things didn''t work out; but we also haven''t been in close contact. He now lives in another state.

I know how I feel. I don''t even want to try to explain those feelings. But, how would you feel?
 
I think that I would feel nostalgic for what might have been.
 
Vindicated, and a little wistful, I think ... but also glad to have dodged the bullet of a man who would be sending sentiments like that to someone after 30 years of being married to someone else.
 
I''m a newlywed, but I''ll try to guess how I''d feel! I guess it would depend on the situation of why we broke up, but I think I would just think he was pathetic. Of course your imaginary relationship made of "what could have been" is better than the reality of his marriage and family, and any 50 year old man who can''t understand that is an idiot at best and a rotten human being at worst for pursuing a path that would hurt his marriage and family.

If some illness or something beyond his control broke you up, then I might feel sympathy for him. And if my own relationship was less than perfect, I might be susceptible to following that "grass is greener" thinking, but I hope that in twenty years, I''ll have enough sense not to.
 
Realistically, probably a little flattered at the attention. Then, probably annoyed that he''s doing it all on my birthday, when he knows full well that I''m married to someone else. Finally, a little sorry for his wife. Then I''d forget all about it and get on with my life.
 
I''ve personally never felt nostalgic or wistful about old relationships - without a doubt I''ve been happy they were over. If anything, I feel disappointment that I stayed in them as long as I did. So I guess that''s how I would feel in your case, but I''m not you and don''t have the same feelings for this guy you do.
 
I remember people's birthday's easily. Even if I have not seen them in decades!

I have a similar, thought not quite as decade-spanning (nor were we ever engaged), story. I dated a guy for about three years as a teenager. We broke up when I was about 16, he had started seeing someone on the side. He burned all the stuff I had given him and so on at her urging (she was a bit off). He and I were good friends as well, so it was tough. Him and the other girl did not work out and he started dating someone else not that long after. I also moved on and started dating someone else (and a few different someone else's until I got married..ha!). We would see one another around now and then but never really talked...and then we dropped out of contact altogether for a good ten years. Anyway, flash forward about ten years. I run into him at a local restaurant while I am out with a girlfriend. He is STILL dating that girl - lives with her (just bought a house with her) and is *thinking* of proposing. I am now living with someone and quite serious(my ex-common-law partner). We start talking, he tells me he has always wondered about me and has always regretted how things happened. He has always been reluctant to propose to his girlfriend as he has always wondered "what if" about me...he too said he felt that maybe I had been his soul mate and felt so bad for hurting me.

Clearly I had moved on by then (and he was not my soul mate and I was long over the hurt!), however, we stayed in touch. I talked to him about his girlfriend as he was struggling with someone to talk to...and he sadly did not have many people he could talk to about stuff like that. He actually broke it off with her as he realized talking to me that while we were different people now.....he had clung to that what if as a reason not to marry her...and when he saw me again he realized that while he and I were clearly done forever....he would feel he was settling for this girl. He would be doing it for "time in" and not because he genuinely wanted to marry her. I felt a bit badly about this, but, I also know I was not the cause of it...just seeing me again had him realize what was already there for him.

Anyway, a few months later he met someone else and they have been together ever since (five years later?) and are very happy. We still talk every now and then but so very, very rarely. We are both long-moved on! I am married, he is quite happily shacked up with his girlfriend. I do think however, for a lot of years there, there was a sense for him of "what if" that he could not move past, an interest in how things might have been, and so on. While I think I was PART of this for him, I think this was a general thing going on for him and I was just the symbol for it. A dissatisfaction with his own life at that time that had him looking for a reason for it, or a rescue from it...who knows for sure. I think too he was feeling a bit stunted in his relationship growth and experiences as he had been with this girl since he was a teenager (and she too) and so was feeling a bit of "what else is out there".

So, how would I feel? I can tell you I really honestly felt...very little. I mean I felt excited to see him again as he was an important part of my teenage years and my first long-term partner, so there was some nostalgia there for me too! I had loved him (as best I could at that age!) and had my first real experiences with romantic love with him. I was excited to know how he was doing in life. Perhaps I was a bit flattered even, given how things had ended. But, in respect of his comments, or his own feelings, I was not there. I had changed a LOT since we dated and he was not part of that shared experience with me. He was very respectful of me and my relationship at the time and after his first discussion about regrets, he never pushed his regrets on me again. So, I guess, I just was not in the same place he was, nor shared the same feelings, so, for me, while I was willing to witness his feelings and hear him out....I did not reciprocate them. So, I felt like I could listen to him without much bias, with compassion but without feeling threatened, and so on.
 
This isn''t nearly the same scope, but an ex-bf of mine was engaged to another woman and sent me a message on Valentines Day - nothing suggestive or overtly romantic, but a reference to an inside joke about valentines day that had made us laugh in the past . I was really irked! I felt it was inappropriate and messed with my head.

I think porridge summed up how I''d really feel - a succession of emotions and then nothing.
 
To keep it brief - I would feel a little weird about it and honestly feel a little sorry for him.
 
Having never given him any "I''m interested" signals, I''d feel annoyed.
 
I would feel flattered but also uncomfortable.
 
Date: 5/10/2010 3:07:21 PM
Author: puppmom
To keep it brief - I would feel a little weird about it and honestly feel a little sorry for him.
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Ditto.
 
If I was married, I would feel annoyed. I would never dream of initiating contact with a former flame while they were in a committed relationship. It''s pretty selfish and disrespectful not to mention self-indulgent and awkward.

I don''t know...I can''t figure out how this is positive at all so I guess I just wouldn''t feel happy about it in general.
 
Date: 5/10/2010 2:53:12 PM
Author: Circe
Vindicated, and a little wistful, I think ... but also glad to have dodged the bullet of a man who would be sending sentiments like that to someone after 30 years of being married to someone else.
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Bingo! That''s pretty much where I am.
 
Date: 5/10/2010 3:39:11 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady
I''m in agreement with multiple comments from above.. quite honestly I do feel sorry for his wife. If he has these feelings after such a period of time, how often must he compare her to you if only to himself? I''d shy away from that relationship on any level. You''re happily married, you moved forward with your life.. Did you talk to your husband about it? How does he feel?

Sometimes the past is best left there.. hugs.
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I''ve told DH that he contacted me, and ''some'' of what has been said by the ex. I''ve left out the part about Mr. Ex ruminating on the ''what-ifs''.

Be it understood - - I have no intention of allowing this man to get in the way of my marriage. I waited too long to get it right before I walked that aisle.
 
Date: 5/10/2010 3:53:31 PM
Author: monarch64
If I was married, I would feel annoyed. I would never dream of initiating contact with a former flame while they were in a committed relationship. It''s pretty selfish and disrespectful not to mention self-indulgent and awkward.

I don''t know...I can''t figure out how this is positive at all so I guess I just wouldn''t feel happy about it in general.
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Self-indulgent is exactly the word I would use. It always was all about him. That''s what finally got through to me, and I decided I deserved better.

I''m amazed that his marriage lasted 29 years. I always assumed it wouldn''t make it to a decade.
 
I would feel really annoyed. I mean, as a happily married woman, where does he get off thinking he can disrespect my marriage and my husband by saying he misses me? Ugh. I'd be like, "I'm happily married and I'm a little offended that you'd be saying these things to me at this point in time."

I mean, what does he expect to hear back? Clearly, he's fishing for reciprocation on the wistful feelings, no? So maybe he's in a weak moment, but I'd still be REALLY annoyed. If he were my true friend with my best interests at heart, he'd say Happy Birthday and wish me and my husband well... not fish around and send me photos from decades ago trying to shake up old feelings that don't exist anymore. LOL, I realize my approach to the ex would be harsh - but imagine if your husband's ex scanned and sent him photos of their love from 30 years ago..and said she missed him and never got over him? I'd expect my husband to tell her to take a hike. Maybe even a hike off a cliff!
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Personally, I wouldn''t encourage this by talking to him. I have had three - unfortunately - guys do this to me, and the look on my DH''s face when I told him made it clear that even if he acted like he was ok with it, he really wasn''t. And neither was I. So I put a big stopper in those kind of friendships pretty quickly.
 
Hmm interesting. I only have one ex that I could see a very small chance of this happening with down the line (though I hope for his sake not- as I am 110% not interested) and I think I would just feel bad. We had a really amicable break up and remained friends for years after we broke up. I truly want good things for him so it would just make me sad that 30 years down the line he was still hanging on our relationship, especially if he was married.

However I can see a MUCH greater chance of this happening to SO with his high school sweetheart. About 2 years ago (about 4 years after they broke up) she started texting and calling him a lot. And making really ridiculous comments about how he "didn''t even miss her" implying that she missed him and wanted the feelings returned. The kicker was that she was getting married in a few months at the time. I can definitely see a repeat performance of this down the line if she''s in a rut in her marriage. It actually doesn''t bother me as I am very secure in our relationship, I just wish she didn''t put herself through that as he has moved on.
 
My first reaction would probably be to feel a bit of nostalgia for that previous life. And I don''t mean a yearning to go back to that life, just a bit of whimsy while thinking of it.

Then, after those initial few minutes passed, I''d want him to go away.

That "lost his soulmate" and "never gotten over me" business would make me uncomfortable, and I prefer to remove discomforts like that from my life ASAP.

Although I can''t really blame him Holly. He really lost out!
 
Date: 5/10/2010 6:42:34 PM
Author: Haven

Although I can''t really blame him Holly. He really lost out!
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As I read this thread, I though, wow, Holly must have been something else! I can guarantee that no ex of mine will be that torn up in 30 years.
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Date: 5/10/2010 6:42:34 PM
Author: Haven
My first reaction would probably be to feel a bit of nostalgia for that previous life. And I don''t mean a yearning to go back to that life, just a bit of whimsy while thinking of it.

Then, after those initial few minutes passed, I''d want him to go away.

That ''lost his soulmate'' and ''never gotten over me'' business would make me uncomfortable, and I prefer to remove discomforts like that from my life ASAP.

Although I can''t really blame him Holly. He really lost out!
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Oh, now, aren''t you sweet!

And you haven''t even seen the photos he sent to me; once upon a time, I was good-lookin''! No wonder he''s missing me!
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Besides, I have an awesome personality.
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I would feel absolutely nothing for him. Can you just block his email? The same thing happen to me before I met DH. I ignore my ex emails which he sent after we broke up for five yrs (if I''m correct). It wasn''t long until he gets it. I''m sure if you didn''t respond, he would''ve gone to the next person on the list. This person is so immature and selfish.

P.S. Then again, you sounds very caring. It upset me that he get you to be nice to him twice and both times he is still not worth it.
 
Date: 5/10/2010 7:06:38 PM
Author: KittyGolightly





Date: 5/10/2010 6:42:34 PM
Author: Haven

Although I can''t really blame him Holly. He really lost out!
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As I read this thread, I though, wow, Holly must have been something else! I can guarantee that no ex of mine will be that torn up in 30 years.
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Click to expand...
I once told DH (when we were dating) that EVERY man I ever had a serious relationship with has come back for a do-over. Every one of them. DH said, "Well, I won''t." And I said, "Oh, please. You''re the one that''s never going to leave!" And here we are.
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Date: 5/10/2010 7:33:29 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 5/10/2010 7:06:38 PM
Author: KittyGolightly






Date: 5/10/2010 6:42:34 PM
Author: Haven

Although I can''t really blame him Holly. He really lost out!
Click to expand...
As I read this thread, I though, wow, Holly must have been something else! I can guarantee that no ex of mine will be that torn up in 30 years.
3.gif
Click to expand...
I once told DH (when we were dating) that EVERY man I ever had a serious relationship with has come back for a do-over. Every one of them. DH said, ''Well, I won''t.'' And I said, ''Oh, please. You''re the one that''s never going to leave!'' And here we are.
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LOL!!!! I really like that. You seems so full of life.
 
Honestly, I''d just be royally pissed off. I mean, who the heck does he think he is 30 years later to show up running his mouth about how much he screwed up when in the process he''s totally disrespecting you and your husband and the life you''ve built together (a life that he SUCKED too much to accomplish himself), and he''s totally disrespecting his wife, who has stood by him for three decades. Does he think this stunning display of selfishness is going to make you come running into his arms because he''s so awesome?! ARGH, what a meathead. Sorry if my being harsh is offensive--this hit a nerve with me, so now I want to kick someone!
 
It can be flattering...but it''s not a road worth traveling. I feel so bad for his wife...that would be my feeling, period. I''d tell him to take a good, long hike and consider yourself extremely lucky. Now, go give your husband a big hug and kiss and stop wasting time on this Mr. Could-Have-Been.
 
Date: 5/10/2010 7:12:58 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 5/10/2010 6:42:34 PM
Author: Haven
My first reaction would probably be to feel a bit of nostalgia for that previous life. And I don''t mean a yearning to go back to that life, just a bit of whimsy while thinking of it.

Then, after those initial few minutes passed, I''d want him to go away.

That ''lost his soulmate'' and ''never gotten over me'' business would make me uncomfortable, and I prefer to remove discomforts like that from my life ASAP.

Although I can''t really blame him Holly. He really lost out!
Click to expand...
Oh, now, aren''t you sweet!

And you haven''t even seen the photos he sent to me; once upon a time, I was good-lookin''! No wonder he''s missing me!
31.gif
Besides, I have an awesome personality.
9.gif
Click to expand...
Holly
post the pics!
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were these B&W photos?
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HI:

Apathy toward the advance and empathy for the present wife.

cheers--Sharon
 
Yes, being blubbered over after 30 years - or in my mother''s case - 40+ years, by someone who has "carried a torch" but in reality is simply self-centered and stuck in a vision of a past that never existed, is just oogy.

My dad (married to another now for 40 years) barged in on my mother (who had ALS and could not speak to tell him to piss off) and cried over her for a couple of hours, waxing nostalgic and generally being quite maudlin. She was pretty disgusted by it actually, and I, who was out of town at the time and unable to run interference, was livid. It was really rude. She quipped to me later that she was going to send his wife a thank-you note for giving him a pass for the day.
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So yeah, I''d be annoyed. And I''d tell him so. He can have any inappropriate feelings he likes, but he doesn''t get to bludgeon me with them. Yuck.
 
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