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How would handle this........

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DEDudley709

Rough_Rock
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Jul 7, 2008
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Hi everyone!

I'm new to these forums. I wanted your opinion on a situation my cousin had to deal with just last week. We can both use the advice/comments as I'm getting married next year. OK, i'll make this as short as possible.

Here we go
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My cousin is getting married this coming weekend (the 12th) and planning had been going pretty smoothly. Then 2 weeks ago FMIL calls my cousin and tells her that those on the list for the rehersal dinner cannot bring a date if they are single. That is more than half of the list and includes all of the wedding party(8 bridesmaids, 8 groomsman)! Her reason, it costs too much. My cousin and her mom both tell her if money is the issue then do something different where dates can be included. Like a BBQ or a favorite resturant. She flat out says "No, I want it at the country club. Therefore, no dates." Keep in mind that FMIL has had the list for months now and when she recieved it, she agreed that those who were single could bring a date. That totalled at 61 pp including dates, very large wedding. Long and short, cousin and FI get upset, MOB and FMIL have a huge fight(I.e. screaming, cussing each other) over the phone.
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" Cousin tells FI this is his mom, he needs to step up and handle it. So FI goes home to talk to FMIL(it was more like set her straight, this is how its going to be thing). In the process of this, cousin's side of the family finds out, talks about it then decides if this how FMIL is going to act, they want no part of the RD. When FI goes home to "talk" to her, he tells her this and also tells her how much of a jerk she is being. Next day, FMIL calls MOB and Bride and apologizes for her behavior. Ok, everything is cool again.

Fast forward to last Tues., by now the invites for the RD have been sent out and those invited are starting to RSVP. Cousin and MOB notice the # on the invite to RSVP is a cell # but think nothing of it. About 3 pm cousin gets a call from one of her BMs. Bridesmaid tells her that she just called FMIL and RSVPd telling FMIL that she would be bringing a date and gives the name. FMIL tells her that she is not allowed a date and date isn't invited. Cousin is livid and calls FMIL directly.
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" They have a huge arguement and FMIL hangs up on cousin. Cousin calls mom and fills her in, MOB tries to phone FMIL, but FMIL refuses to answer the phone. FI gets off from work (he is a marine corp officer) and cousin fills him in on what has happened. FI is also livid also and calls his father, tells father what FMIL did. Father tells son "I'll deal with this, tell those who are bringing dates that their dates are welcome to come." Father being true to his word deals with the situation and everything is fine again.
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I think my cousin and her FI handled things as best they could in that situation. If it had been me the second time she pulled that i would have said screw it and had my own RD, free of FMIL drama. Knowing how cousin's FMIL is, i kind of saw this coming.
So, comments and advice are welcome. Would you have done the same as cousin or would you have done something different?

P.S. FMIL is still mad that FFIL overruled her on the dates thing. She was invited to my cousin's bridal party lunchon and boycotted it. I feel for cousin and what she will have to put up with in the future.
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wow, what a horrible situation! at least everyone was willing to get involved and support your cousin. it is really not nice that MOB and FMIL had to cuss at each other. you'd think that the families would work together to try and make this happen. at least FFIL kicks butt.

the easiest way to prevent any of these things is to pay for everything yourself. that is what we're doing. not that I'm worried my mother or MIL would get difficult (and they get along really well), but if either of our parents were paying and they wanted something specific that we didn't want, we'd feel ungrateful by saying no. now I can do whatever the heck I want as it's my own money I'm spending and I'm not involving anyone else in the decisions.
 
I wouldn''t expect anyone to be thrilled about FMIL saying no dates (especially if she''d indicated it would be OK previously), but it was her party to plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner and it should have been up to HER to decide what her budget could allow.

Honestly all of you were wrong to continue to pressure her and get nasty about it. The grooms parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and that''s the way it goes.

If your cousin and her FI were picking up the tab themselves it would have been different.
 
It sounds like FI should have called his father sooner.

Honestly though, nothing can be done differently, so to me it does very little good thinking, "oh, we should have done such and such" and that sort of thing. What''s done is done. They just need to focus on moving forward, keeping the peace, and getting along from here on out. They are going to be family after all.
 
Date: 7/8/2008 8:51:06 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I wouldn''t expect anyone to be thrilled about FMIL saying no dates (especially if she''d indicated it would be OK previously), but it was her party to plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner and it should have been up to HER to decide what her budget could allow.

Honestly all of you were wrong to continue to pressure her and get nasty about it. The grooms parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and that''s the way it goes.

If your cousin and her FI were picking up the tab themselves it would have been different.

She decided all of 3 weeks before the wedding that the previously agreed-upon number was no good, THEN decides to back out AND refuses a compromise solution, and her son and FDIL are the ones in the wrong? I don''t think so.
 
For all the young naive FI''s out there; he/she who pays - controls.


Much in life isn''t fair. Many will do wrong. You can only control what you can control, and you can only control by paying your own way. Everything else is pointless whining.
 
Just to clarify a few things. Cousin and FI were originally planning on paying for RD. When FMIL isisted that she would do it, they said ok only after telling her how they wanted the RD up front. FMIL knew when she started planning that the list was non-negotiable, yet she chose to pay anyway. Cousin''s FI is doing everything through his dad now, since dad controls the checkbook and FMIL has proven she can''t be trusted.
 
Well, if it were me, I''d have taken over the hosting/paying for the RD and done it how I wanted to do it if FMIL was being such a bitch about it. It''s one thing to hash out invitees months in advance of an event, but quite another to invite people "and guest" and then rescind the invitation for guests. That''s just bad manners. It also sounds like maybe she''s having issues letting go of her son, or not being "in charge" of this wedding event...not that either gives her license to be bitchy and ill mannered...

Your cousin will likely have to deal with this FMIL for years to come. But she is lucky that both her FI/husband to be, and her FFIL seem to recognize the crazy that is FMIL and deal with it. I''d not let the FMIL participate in any future planning of events that I wanted, I''d do that myself. Glad it all worked out though...
 
I forgot one thing, FMIL picked the venue. She was told "have where you want as long as it''s within your budget. Remember this is the list, we aren''t cutting anyone else. Knowing cousin''s FMIL for the years I have, I think the cliche "having your cake and eating it too" applies here. FMIL wanted to look good by having a classy RD, but behind the scenes she wanted to be cheap. In the end, she looked like just that, Cheap.
 
I'm sorry to hear about all the drama with your cousin's wedding! Such a shame it had to come down to screaming and immature behavior, but weddings often bring out the worst in some people. In a related situation, my sister's rehearsal dinner was set aside solely for the wedding party and OOT relatives (pretty much all of them and they were all immediate family). The wedding party was not told to bring dates, as this was a huge affair already with my mom's 5 brothers and sisters and their 3-6 children each coming and it was at a very fancy restaurant costing about $30-$50/person. I remember my mother was VERY upset when not only did my BIL's groomsmen arrive LATE, but they were wearing jorts and T-shirts and had brought their girlfriends! I thought my mom handled it very well by letting them stay, much better than I probably would have reacted. She decided that it was not worth the drama and frustration to make a scene and simply told the restaurant that five more people would be joining than previously expected. Though she did add that she did not wish the tab to be open bar any longer! It turned out to be a wise decision, as later my aunt overheard some of the groomsmen's GFs complaining about paying for their beers! Needlesstosay, when we had a separate BBQ the next day at our house for my BIL & sister to celebrate his return from Iraq, they were explicitly told NOT to bring their GFs!
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Obviously this is a different situation than your cousin, but it just brought up those memories.

I honestly don't see a problem in inviting/not inviting dates to a rehearsal dinner because the wedding party actually has parts in the wedding and it's the payer's perogative whether to allow extra people that have nothing to do with the wedding to eat on their dime. I do, however, find the lack of timeliness of the FMIL's decision not to include dates after everything had been set in motion to be in poor taste. If a couple truly wants full control of their wedding, they probably just need to pay for it themselves in most cases.
 
Here's my view on the situation with the rehearsal dinner.

If FMIL is paying, then enough said.

As far as the wedding goes and bringing dates, I would find it weird that one week before the wedding she's informing her guests that they aren't to bring dates. Miscommunication happened here. Either the bridal party (and your cousin) didn't realize that the invites didn't say "and guest" OR FMIL assummed she spoke with everyone about it already. If money is an issue, then having an extra 16 mouths to feed is a lot.

That's why my bridal party will be my MOH.....and that's it. And the budget will come from el banco de fieryred y Mr. fieryred
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Date: 7/8/2008 1:13:30 PM
Author: purrfectpear
For all the young naive FI''s out there; he/she who pays - controls.

Much in life isn''t fair. Many will do wrong. You can only control what you can control, and you can only control by paying your own way. Everything else is pointless whining.

There''s a difference between "pointless whining" and having a legitimate complaint when someone who has agreed to something suddenly changes her mind at the last minute, behaves underhandedly about it, and won''t compromise. She''s the true childish person in this scenario. There''s also a difference between "control" and "controlling." It''s fine to hand over control to someone by allowing them to pay for the RD as long as you recognize that you are losing some independence, but in no way does that mean FMIL is then entitled to be manipulative and sneaky. Would YOU have put up with that behavior? And yes, I know you would NEVER have given up the control, but try and put yourself in OP''s shoes.
 
Date: 7/8/2008 10:10:58 AM
Author: Selkie
Date: 7/8/2008 8:51:06 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I wouldn''t expect anyone to be thrilled about FMIL saying no dates (especially if she''d indicated it would be OK previously), but it was her party to plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner and it should have been up to HER to decide what her budget could allow.

Honestly all of you were wrong to continue to pressure her and get nasty about it. The grooms parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and that''s the way it goes.

If your cousin and her FI were picking up the tab themselves it would have been different.
She decided all of 3 weeks before the wedding that the previously agreed-upon number was no good, THEN decides to back out AND refuses a compromise solution, and her son and FDIL are the ones in the wrong? I don''t think so.
Ditto Selkie.

And who says the grooms family pays for the rehearsal dinner? It may have been that way once upon a time, but it''s certainly not that way now.
 
Lots of childish behaviour going on here on all sides. Wow.

The simple solution would have been for your cousin and her FI to simply offer to pay for the extra guests. FMIL didn''t act well in making the last minute, awkward decision, but frankly, it is HER party, HER money, and HER guests. Not the cousin''s.
 
Technically, IndyGal, it seems as though it''s FFIL''s money, so he should be the one making the decisions.

But yes, childish indeed. Although, I''ve seen worse on here...
 
Date: 7/8/2008 1:25:11 PM
Author: DEDudley709
Cousin''s FI is doing everything through his dad now, since dad controls the checkbook and FMIL has proven she can''t be trusted.


Well, Freke, aren''t you a little worried about that too? I mean "Dad controls the chequebook''? Does that sound like a healthy, egalitarian marriage to you? How is it "his money" and not "their money"? Unless they keep separate accounts of course. Which it doesn'' sound like they do. Otherwise, dad could just chip in the extra share.

Frankly, I''d be TOTALLY furious if my husband ever went against me like that. Asking mommy, then not getting your way so going to ask daddy is not cool when you''re 10, and it''s not cool when you''re 25 (or whatever) either. Even when mommy is actually wrong.

Now if the parents had sat down and discussed it together and come to a decision, that would be one thing, but FFIL ''overruling'' his wife, publicly humiliating her and controlling (note that word) the cheque book?

It doesn''t sound like this FMIL is a lady I would like at all. She sounds pretty grumpy and what she did was rude. But I think FFIL''s behaviour is every bit as rude. He publicly humiliated his wife! Geez.

Happy times, people! Happy times.

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Hey, I didn''t say it was the right thing for him to do or anything of the sort. Mere technicality from the OP''s words. Nothing else.

With my parents, my dad brings in the money, but my mom controls the checkbook (kind of like that peanut butter commercial with the two little boys and the woman (mom?) who says, "Here, you get to cut it" "But you get to choose") and it works well, from what I can tell. (I made a rhyme!)

I''m not agreeing with any part of the situation other than everyone acted rather childishly, but that seems to happen with weddings, unfortunately.

If it were my situation, I''d pull everyone out of the RD mess at the first sign of trouble, and cater it in my own home.

Luckily, I won''t have to deal with any BS like that because FF''s dad is...thrifty, and if I want a RD to begin with, I will have to pay for it myself or my parents will. Even if that happens, it should be less than 10 people. So no mess there.

As far as FFIL controlling his wife...
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I am a little confused because where I come from, it is customary to invite the wedding party, officiant, anyone in the wedding doing readings or whatever, and all the out of town guests that are coming to the wedding to the rehersal dinner.

Unless the wedding party was traveling from out of town, there would be no reason for their dates to even be at the rehersal, therefor, no reason they would get an invite to the dinner.

Now, if your entire wedding party was traveling from out of town, I would have advised your cousin and her FI to explain to FMIL how rude it is to not invite them and their dates and hope that that would convince her. If it didnt they should have offered to pay for the guests or just relieved her of her hosting duties.

If she made the decision to change her mind before the invites went out then I say that is her perogative and your cousin and FI should have either sucked it up. Other options would again include, offering to pay for the additional guests, or saying sorry to the FMIL and take over hosting the whole event. Her changing her mind does suck, but she is within her rights to do so as she is the host.

Sending out invitations including guests for singles, and then changing your mind when they are RSVP-ing is beyond rude. At that point, I dont care who the host is, you invited them, you better accept their RSVP! I think your cousin and her FI were right to get involved at that point.
 
Obviously, financial decisions should usually be made together in an ideal marriage. I do kind of find it weird that the FFIL is taking such a decisive stance against his WIFE. Regardless of who is in the wrong, I would think a better solution could be found other than ignoring/overruling the FMIL altogether. Doesn't sound like a healthy marriage to me and probably pits the cousin's FI against his own mother as well. It sounds all very Suzy homemaker to me to say that the man controls the checkbook anyway...just doesn't sit well with me...obviously FMIL had some control over it (or thougth she did) if she was the one who "insisted" on paying the the RD.
 
if FMIL & FFIL were paying for the RH, than your cousin, her FI, and FMIL & FFIL should have all sat down and talked about it and come to a resolution. Her mother should not have gotten involved. And they should have not gone around/over FMIL and had FFIL override her decision in that matter. As Indy said, it''s not cool at any age.

I just think there was a whole lot of craziness going on, but that''s what happens when weddings are involved. Read through the threads, you''ll see.

To answer your question, I don''t know how I would have handled it, but I hope I would have been able to do it with grace and dignity.
 
Well, you''re right about that. I wouldn''t have given up control
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This forum is just FULL of stories of disappointments about how moms, dads, FMIL''s, FFIL''s, aunts, cousins, and random others have made controlling and manipulative decisions to the detriment of the bride and groom.

So after a few months on PS, I''m ALL about the control
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If that meant I had to get married in the park and have the reception at Denny''s or MickeyD''s, yep, that''s where I''d be having it. No party, wedding, dress, etc. is worth having to put up with a moment''s worth of BS to me.

I just think it''s sad to read posts where a girl wanted her dream wedding so badly (that she couldn''t afford on her own) that she accepted financial help and then was hurt that whoever held the checkbook made demands. In a dream world it wouldn''t happen, but I realize it''s no dream world
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To clarify a few things:

FFIL is not controlling, he has a final say in the finances. He is in the Marine Corp also, the UCMJ(unform code of military justice - military law) reqiures him to keeps his finances in check, someone in debt is a bad relection on the US Marine Corp. From what I know of the situation, FFIL gave FMIL a specific budget so as to not go in debt. He has had to fix situations before with her when it came to money, hence the budget. When the RD was first discussed FI and Cousin along with FILs agreed to the list, no more cuts. In-Laws agreed and FFIL sets a reasonable budget based on the # of pp. FMIL could pick a place as long as she didn''t go over the budget. When FI spoke to his father after the second miscommunication, he found out that the country club was well within the budget with that set # of pp. Hence when FFIL found out what FMIL had done, he said dates were welcome. Remember all parties agreed to this final list, FFIL was angry because all FMIL was doing was being cheap and he said that to son when he said he would straighten it out.

Side note: The wedding is close to the coast here in Southeastern NC. I know ediquette in other parts of the US is different, but here its proper ediquette to have 1) the bridal party at the RD(with dates for those who are single) 2) immidiate family (dates also allowed for those single) 3) Those involved in the wedding(i.e: officiant, WP, and anyone else involved in planning) 4) OOT Guests. One previous poster stated that unless Wedding party is from out of town, no dates are invited. All weddings that have 1) been to 2) been in, it is concidered rude to not allow a date to accompany a single invitee to the RD. That is just the way it''s done here.
 
Thanks for the comments/advice/opinions. They are greatly apreciated. As certain things were brought up, i tried my best to clarify any vauge parts and also explain any situations that needed it. Keep the comments coming, as a bride in planning I''m learning alot from this discussion. It''s preparing me for what I might have to deal with later.
 
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