How to tell family/friends you're not having more kids?

[MustangGal]

I could use a little help from the ladies (and gentlemen) with only kids. Kyle is 21 months now, and we've decided not to add any more bundles of joy to the family. For the last year I've been dodging the "when is #2 coming" questions with vague answers, but the time has come to confront that beast head-on.

We're not going to make an announcement or anything, but what should I say to people now that we're sure? How do you word that to not offend the questioner, yet make it sound final? I know MIL will give me a hard time, and probably never get off my back about it, but I'm hoping to get off easier with the rest of the general public .

Any good comebacks for the pushy "but you can't just have one" people?

 

[TravelingGal]

I could use a little help from the ladies (and gentlemen) with only kids. Kyle is 21 months now, and we've decided not to add any more bundles of joy to the family. For the last year I've been dodging the "when is #2 coming" questions with vague answers, but the time has come to confront that beast head-on.

We're not going to make an announcement or anything, but what should I say to people now that we're sure? How do you word that to not offend the questioner, yet make it sound final? I know MIL will give me a hard time, and probably never get off my back about it, but I'm hoping to get off easier with the rest of the general public .

Any good comebacks for the pushy "but you can't just have one" people?

There's a certain finger that works well...

Hey, I got literally followed (chased!) out of my friend's house by her mother when I told her we were only having one, so some people are just not going to take no for an answer. All you can do for them is smile politely with a blank stare.

For the others, I just say were are happy with one child and we are sure. If anyone really gets nasty, I just tell them the doctor says I have a 20% chance of dying in childbirth and I don't think it's right to leave Amelia alone with TGuy.

 

[Mara]

Well when people ask now, I just say 'Nope, I think we're done.' Or when Mom says 'He needs a sister'...I say 'He's got one!' and point to Portia.

and for when people say you can't have just one... my first thought for response would be 'Watch me!'. It's not up to them.

 

[cara]

Haha, Mara!

I think half of it is your attitude, MGal - if you are confident both in your decision and in that it is a perfectly reasonable/good/socially acceptable one, its a lot easier to both dissuade people from trying to convince you otherwise and let it roll off if they for some reason get on your case or get all nosy on you.

I'm thinking of when I lived in a different place and got asked what church/religion I was more frequently. If I sheepishly admitted to not being religious/having an affiliation, I got more come to Jesus efforts directed my way. If I breezily proclaimed I was a heathen, with an air of comfort and permanence associated with that fact, there were less recruitment efforts directed my way. Not none, but less, and it helped *me* feel better about it to just decide I wasn't going to apologize for it or let myself feel like a social misfit, even if my (non)religious status made me quite the minority member.

 

[Laila619]

Just say, "We're quite happy with one, thanks!"

 

[labellavita81]

I am going through the same thing. I haven't read anyone else's post but I will share my experiences.

We never planned on having more then one, which some people think is selfish on our part, the good news is we don't care what anyone else thinks.

The truth is, it isn't anyones business how many kids you decide on having and people who comment are just rude and ignorant. Most people comment because they are trying to preach about they way THEY think things should be. People don't really think before they ask, how to they know you haven't been trying for years to have another one and just cant?! We have handled it by bluntly saying that we are only having one. I dont give a reason, if I am asked I just say it was our decision and leave it at that. I know that may sound a little bit standoffish but it seems to be the only way to get people to just stop asking.

 

[MustangGal]

Thanks ladies. I'll be firm and not go into details, sounds like that will help.

Thanksgiving is going to be the worst, we see all of the extended family on both sides. The only people on DH's side to have onlies (an aunt and a cousin) had fertility issues. The rest have 3 kids each. On my side I'm the first of my generation to procreate, and with all of the cousins being many years younger and none of them married, Kyle will be the only baby for some time.

And maybe it won't be as bad as I'm fearing. I thought my grandmother would lecture the heck out of us for not babtizing Kyle, and she has yet to even broach the subject. Although I bet that will be coming this year too...

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Well when people ask now, I just say 'Nope, I think we're done.' Or when Mom says 'He needs a sister'...I say 'He's got one!' and point to Portia.

and for when people say you can't have just one... my first thought for response would be 'Watch me!'. It's not up to them.

Just say, "we're done." Don't even put in the "think" part. Be as firm as possible.

My parents put up with tons of crap for me being an only child. Interestly enough, two of my dad's siblings who critisized them, ended up having only child. The other two didn't have any!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Saying "have you MET my child?!?" usually works.

 

[E B]

I would say something like "Husband and I talked it over at length and decided it's the right decision for OUR family." It leaves very little room for "...but what about" and makes it clear that it wasn't a snap decision, it's something you thought about.

(And I completely agree about saying it- whatever you decide to say- with confidence.)

 

[TravelingGal]

Saying "have you MET my child?!?" usually works.

 

[Pandora II]

We're pretty certain that we'll stop at one - financially another would be hard and Daisy is so difficult that I'm not sure I'd be up for a repeat!

I tend to tell people that we'll make a final decision when Daisy goes to school but that it's unlikely as I'll be 42; I nearly died having her and we'd be worried about the risk with a second as my chance of another massive haemorrhage is now 10%; financially we can probably afford to pay for private education for Daisy but couldn't for a second; a three bedroom house/apartment in London is unaffordable and our daughter is too much of a monster to risk a second!

I don't get a lot of flack when I tell people this as they are all valid reasons, living in London there is no reason for her to lack contact with other children and DH and I are each one of 4 so there are masses of grandchildren/cousins so family are fine with our choice.

The comments I do get are more along the lines of aren't I worried if something happens to her, don't I think it's a good idea to have siblings and do I feel I'm happy to never have another baby. Which sadly, other than the sibling thing are what makes us 10% unsure!

 

[MustangGal]

Saying "have you MET my child?!?" usually works.

Unfortunatly, I've been getting the "Kyle is sooo cute you just have to have another!" To which I have responded, "what if #2 isn't as cute?"

 

[lili]

Saying "have you MET my child?!?" usually works.

I would think that would backfire on you when they see how adorable and beautiful T is.
Their argument is that it's an injustice not to breed such cute kids.

 

[Mara]

Saying "have you MET my child?!?" usually works.

I would think that would backfire on you when they see how adorable and beautiful T is.
Their argument is that it's an injustice not to breed such cute kids.

We have actually had people tell us that it's our 'duty' to produce more cute kids like J.

My response... well you never know the next one might not be so cute.

What do they say? If you have a good one, stop. If you have a bad one, stop.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I don't have an only (preggo with #2) but I wanted to respond. DH and I are Catholic so we're sort of expected to have a brood of children. We are stopping at 2 for numerous reasons, my health being the biggest one. When churchy people find this out we get lectured to no end. My response is always along the lines of "if you're so worried about it are you going to pay for the medical bills, diapers, food, clothing, daycare, etc. for us to have another? If not then don't be so concerned." I say it contritely, unapologetically and with a serious face. Some people just have no tact, because it's really no ones business except your own.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

oh, I totally get the "BUT you make beautiful babies" argument but luckily I do not have an easy going, quiet, laid-back kid. Pinch him if you have to (kidding!) but they really cannot argue with a tired, run-down mama. Also the whole grad school really shuts them up! I am busy and they get it.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Even though I am planning on having one more baby, I HATE when people say stuff like, "Oh, but he NEEDS a sister!" Like he will die without one, or I can just magically choose a gender. People can really be so rude.

Be firm and polite. "We are done having children, one is enough." If they persist, ask if THEY want to raise it for you.

I always wonder why people stop being polite to women the moment they get pregnant. They touch your belly and invade your personal space, and then every question out of their mouth is rude, nosey, and uncalled for. Mom = pushover? NOT ME!

 

[Mara]

MP it starts even way before that... as soon as we were married, AT OUR WEDDING, people were asking about when we were having kids. Seriously people.

 

[TravelingGal]

MP it starts even way before that... as soon as we were married, AT OUR WEDDING, people were asking about when we were having kids. Seriously people.

I was 30 when I went off to Europe to be a bum for a few months. My friend's husband told me I was 30, and soon I would be 32, then 35, and it would be hard for me to get married and have children.

I just will never know what possesses some people.

 

[Maria D]

Anyone who says "when is #2 coming" that is not just inartfully trying to make conversation is simply a boor. It's such a personal decision, how can anyone possibly think they have a right to know?

I have one child, a 16 year old. I used to get flack from some people. Usually I would just try to show them just how inappropriate they were being with answers like, huh? Do I look like I've gained weight? Because I'm not pregnant! Oh, you mean when am I *planning* on getting pregnant -- wow, I'm surprised you're asking me that. I've wondered about some people but never actually asked!

I made it a point *never* to say we were "done." The reason for this is because before I became pregnant the first and only time I let it be known that there was a good chance DH and I were not going to have children. Then we had a "surprise" pregnancy and everyone close knew it was a surprise. I wasn't going to make that mistake again.

My cousin had a great response to "you've GOT to have another one, this one's beautiful." She'd say -- yeah, he's got his Dad's looks. My husband's gorgeous but I'm sticking with just one of those for now too!

 

[Dreamer_D]

LOL... my BIL announced, about 6 months before DH and I started TTC with HUnter, that since I was "nearing 30" we better get started because if we waited much longer "all our kids would be retarded".

 

[MustangGal]

LOL... my BIL announced, about 6 months before DH and I started TTC with HUnter, that since I was "nearing 30" we better get started because if we waited much longer "all our kids would be retarded".

That's lovely . We don't have the age thing working against us (or for us in this matter), being 31, so I can't point that out as a reason either.

But I did tell my mom over the weekend, she knew I was leaning that way anyway, and she took it well. I put all my maternity clothes up on ebay, her response was that if we decide to have another down the line she'll buy me more clothes. Thanks mom

 

[anchor31]

I can't believe the comments some of you are getting. Some people are not just rude, but stupid too! My favourite is "What if something happens to you and he's left all alone?" Sorry, but I'm not going to have a child just because there is a slim chance both my husband and I will die before he has his own family.

I really don't feel like I want another. Things are crazy enough as it is, and I just don't want to go through all this again. Ideally I would have them close in age, but our situation doesn't allow that, and the idea of starting over in 2-3 years does not appeal to me at all. My brother and SIL had their son on October 30th and SIL's sister, who has a 7-month-old, said that seeing him makes her want another one... Everyone looked at me and expected me to say the same and I pretty much said: "Er, no thanks." And it was met by the infamous "You'll change your mind."

To answer your question MustangGal, I like the suggestion to ask them if they are going to be the ones raising the child. When DH and I bought our house last year, my mother was disappointed because she wanted us to move to a city closer to her house. I did want to move there, but the houses were just too expensive. So when she said she was happy for us, but that she still would have preferred us to buy a house in that city, I told her if she wanted us to move there she could pay half the mortgage. A little abrupt, I know, but I have a hard time tolerating people putting their nose in my private business. I know what's best for me and my family, you know what's best for yours.

 

[Jennifer W]

Here's what I do

stop in your tracks. Allow a nice bright smile to slide slowly from your face. Add a tiny gasp, for maximum effect.
Turn straight towards the perpetrator, then take a tiny step back (try to make that look involuntary).

Open your mouth and say "I... I....we.... oh."

Put your hand over your mouth, try to look very shocked. See if you can tremble a little.

Finish with either " what a very personal question" or "how could that possibly ever be any of your business" depending on level of offence you wish to convey (and return).

That generally prevents any follow up opinions being offered, I've found. People who ask stuff like this deserve to have sport made of them.

 

[MustangGal]

Here's what I do

stop in your tracks. Allow a nice bright smile to slide slowly from your face. Add a tiny gasp, for maximum effect.
Turn straight towards the perpetrator, then take a tiny step back (try to make that look involuntary).

Open your mouth and say "I... I....we.... oh."

Put your hand over your mouth, try to look very shocked. See if you can tremble a little.

Finish with either " what a very personal question" or "how could that possibly ever be any of your business" depending on level of offence you wish to convey (and return).

That generally prevents any follow up opinions being offered, I've found. People who ask stuff like this deserve to have sport made of them.

I so wish I could get away with doing that to my MIL!!!! In June she came out and stayed for a few days while I went to a seminar for work. She proceeded to lecture poor DH on all the horrible only children she knows/has seen (she works at an elementry school). I can only imagine what she'll say when we tell her more grandchildren are not negotiable!

 

[Jennifer W]

Embarrass her! Stare her down. Do the routine above, you have nothing to lose! Or just tell her that you don't feel comfortable talking to her about sex with her son. OMG, if that doesn't stop her, nothing will haha.

Or just tell her that she's only upsetting herself going on about it, since the decision has already been made, and by the people involved.

Good luck.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Haha, at my wedding, my dad's entire toast was basically about how I should start having babies like RIGHT NOW. It was at least a hysterically cute and funny toast and every one laughed. Still, very clear message..

DH and I are indeed planning to have one (we're TTC as of this month!), but if I were hounded about having more, I would just give them the icy none-of-your-beeswax glare.

Also, I don't understand why people insist "you can't just have one". These are children, as in human living beings, not a freakin Pringle potato chip. I think it's a little..weird to have a second child just to have a back up in case something goes wrong with the first. If you are going to have more children, I certainly hope it's because you have enough love and desire in your heart to raise another child for at least 18 years, and not because you have an addiction to the new baby smell or because of peer pressure. Just my two cents.