How to support BF though a loss?

[LtlFirecracker]

So I have a question for you ladies. I am not the best at dealing with death outside of work. Well, who am I kidding, I am not even the best at this topic at work. But this is about my BF and his family.

His Grandmother is very old and has lived a very long and good life. She is almost 100. She was diagnosed with metastatic cancer last year and they did some treatment on her. Well, 2 weeks ago she was informed it is back, and BF told me the doctors said there is noting they could do. When he told me where the CA was, I told him that the doctors were right and that he needed to go see her.

So he was planning on going Monday, than yesterday his mother called and asked if he could come earlier. They were actually planning a trip down to our town, and they cancelled it because of her. Now my Mother died of CA so I know how fast these things can happen. I told him that if they said three days is too long, that he needed to go ASAP. So he left today and will stay there for a couple days to stay goodbye to her. I stayed behind because I had only met her once, they didn''t specifically ask me to come. I printed a couple pictures that were taken of me, BF, and his Grandmother for him to give her when he got there.

So my question. How should I handle things when he gets back? Is there anything I should do for the family when this happens? I am guess the timeline is anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple months. Thanks in advance.

 

[HopeDream]

LtlFirecracker I''m sorry abbout your SO''s Grandmother!

When my Grandfather died my SO cooked me my favorite dinner and bought me special snacks, and held me, and listened to me tell him all my favorite stories of my Grandpa.

Make him comfort food, hold him close, and listen. Be prepare for him to be quiet and more thoughtful than usual.

Sending a sympathy card and flowers to you SO''s family would probably be apropriate when the time comes, or making a donation to a charity in her name.

Sharing photos of her with his family might also be nice.

 

[gwendolyn]

I would ask him what he needs from you, because it will probably change as he goes through the grieving process. When I lost my grandmother (one of my best friends, so a huge loss for me), I sometimes wanted to be alone for hours and would get very agitated if someone tried to console me, and then other times I wanted to share stories and cry, and still others I just wanted to be held. Sometimes, my feelings would almost overpower me and I couldn''t even figure out what (if anything) would help, so there may be times when you feel rather helpless, and little kindnesses, like bringing home his favourite magazine or snack might help, just so he''s reminded that he has support (even if he doesn''t know how to get comfort from that support).

But I had to tell J how I was feeling and what I needed at the time, so that I wouldn''t lash out at him for offering the ''wrong'' sort of comfort, because it wasn''t a static thing for me. But, people deal with grief in very different ways, so maybe he will deal with it completely differently to me. That was my experience with it, though.

As for helping with the family, people I know tried to help by cooking something that can be frozen and just heated up to eat, because they probably won''t want to be dealing with cooking with everything else that will be going on. A bunch of family friends brought over meals (lots of lasagna!) to stick in the freezer to eat when we just couldn''t be bothered using our energy to cook, and it was really a nice relief to not have to worry about it. Alternately, some people baked cookies and cakes, and others just sent cards of sympathy (most of which would just set me off crying again, so not sure how much I''d recommend them, but the thought behind them was lovely).

Oh, and one person sent a potted flowering plant, which I thought was really sweet, since it''s something that will last for a long time. When my future mother-in-law''s sister died, I sent her a miniature white rose bush because she is big into gardening, and she loved it because it gave her something to do when she got home from the funeral (she deals best with grief by keeping busy, it seems), so that worked out really well for her.

I''m very sorry for your boyfriend''s impending loss, but it''s so so good that he''s gone up already to see her. Hopefully he will get at least a small amount of comfort or closure from being able to say goodbye.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

HopeDream - thanks -the confront food is a good idea. I can do that. I sent him with the only picture I have of me, him, and his grandmother. He said she liked it.

gwendolyn - thanks for the well thought out reply! I am sorry about your grandmother''s loss, and wish you didn''t have to give me this advice from experience. I like the flowering plant idea. I think a card that doesn''t have to much stuff in it might be appropriate. But I always feel awaked with those kind of cards. His mother is a great cook, I don''t know if I want to compete with that, although I know they would appreciate the gesture.

I will have to ask what he needs for sure. He is not all that great about "talking about his feelings." Add on top of that I have a condo I have to rent out because of the housing market and we are starting a LDR in the next 6 weeks. We are both just so stressed out. Probably what he needs most is for me not to bother him with my issues. Maybe just picking up the load on the everyday stuff like cooking and cleaning will help.

Thanks for the advise.

 

[gwendolyn]

You''re going to handle this well, hon--just from what you''ve written already, you''re thinking realistically about the things you can do to ease his life, because sadly, you won''t really be able to ease the grief itself. Do you know when he will return?

 

[Erin]

BFs father died a couple years ago. His mother was already gone, too.
Anticipate his needs. Bring him coffee, keep his milk, toilet paper, garbage bags, dog food stocked. Offer to drive. Have dinner already planned.

Instead of asking Is there anything I can do to help? (which some people just accept as a kind gesture and never accept) ask, What else needs to be done?

I found myself being the invisible silent supporter who was there the second he needed me, but tried not to force my help and words on him. As long as you explain to him you are available for shirt shopping, envelope licking, or dog walking, he should come to you when he needs it.

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/17/2009 2:38:53 PM
Author: Starset Princess
BFs father died a couple years ago. His mother was already gone, too.
Anticipate his needs. Bring him coffee, keep his milk, toilet paper, garbage bags, dog food stocked. Offer to drive. Have dinner already planned.

Instead of asking Is there anything I can do to help? (which some people just accept as a kind gesture and never accept) ask, What else needs to be done?

I found myself being the invisible silent supporter who was there the second he needed me, but tried not to force my help and words on him. As long as you explain to him you are available for shirt shopping, envelope licking, or dog walking, he should come to you when he needs it.

That''s pretty much what I did for BF when his grandfather died. I made an effort to make sure he was taken care of. He had food ready for him, I cleaned things up, I talked to him while he was driving, I made sure that I helped talk to people and answer most questions at the wake (he just kind of...turned into himself. Like instead of facing the world he just wrapped himself up in his own little bubble and didn''t think about anything else).

Mostly, I think letting him take things at his own pace will be the best thing you can do. Don''t assume what his emotions will be (e.g. ''Oh sweetie, you must miss her so much!/be so worried/scared/whatever''), just let him talk/not talk as he wants to. Before you leave, make sure everything''s set up at his place (food, toilet paper, vaccuum bags, Ziplocs, etc.) so that he doesn''t have to think for a little while. I found it was easier for BF to get through the days if he could go on autopilot and not have to think too much. Thinking was the enemy for a little while.

It''s hard to wait, and BF wasn''t himself in between being told his grandfather was slipping and when he died. So don''t be surprised if he doesn''t want to talk about it/can''t process it/or tries really hard to be okay and act like things are good. Each person''s grief is different (and it varies from loss to loss as well), so the best you can do is take care of basic needs and roll with the punches.

 

[pluck15]

It''s funny (ironic, not haha) that you made this post, cause I was just wondering the same thing. BF just lost a very close family friend yesterday morning. She was his mom''s best friend, and I''ve met her on several occassions. I''m trying to do everything I can to be the "silent supporter" as starset said, but I''m also in the same boat wondering how I can help console him. It also makes it harder that I work in another state, so I can''t be home with him during this week. I plan to call his mom to get an address where I can send flowers and such. But from a distance, thats all I can think of doing other than talking to him on the phone as much as possible.

 

[dragonfly411]

Firecracker - I''m so sorry to hear about this. I would simply let your SO know that you are there if he needs to talk, and comfort him. Offer support. I would let him and his family know you are at their disposal if they need help with anything at all.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Gwendolyn - he is coming back tomorrow. He was supposed to call tonight, haven''t herd from him yet. I am going to give him another hour than call him and at least leave a voice mail

Starset Princess - that is really helpful. I especially like the phrasing of the questions. You are right, my BF is no one to take "help."

princesss - I have already learned that my BF will not talk about his feelings unless he wants to, I like the autopilot idea. I already have some meals ready to prepare.

plunk15 - Sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation. I will be in a similar situation soon, and I know how hard the phone can be.

dragonfly411 - thanks for kind words