How to save a friend

[merrijoy]

I have wanted to post this here for a while. A lot of people seem to shy away from their friends or acquaintances with depression. It is so unfortunate. Happened in my life unfortunately. Here is the CNN article. Good read.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/03/11/save.friend.suicide/index.html?hpt=C1

 

[princesss]

Great article, thank you.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Thank you for posting this - I am a psychologist who deals with suicidal thoughts on a way too frequent basis - it is an important thing to educate yourself about

 

[MichelleCarmen]

As a person who had a close relative recently take her life just a few months back, I can wish we tried everything possible to support her. Days don''t go by where we wonder what if we did one thing different would she have not have chosen to kill herself. There is a lot of guilt involved. . .

 

[4ever]

Thank you for the artical, I know it''s not a "nice" topic to discuss but still somthing people need to be awear of.

If my family and friends had done this rather than ignor me when I was suffering from depression it may have made getting better alot easyer.

 

[jewelz617]

Thank you for posting this. I can definitely relate.

 

[megumic]

Thanks for sharing this and helping increase awareness. As a depression sufferer, I have thankfully never had suicidal thoughts, but depression on its is one of the hardest battles to push back against. Although my experience is far less severe than what it could be, friends calling and stopping over to keep me busy truly truly truly go a loooooong way.

If you have a depressed friend or family member, please reach out, send a card, make some muffins - anything to show you care. They need you!

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''m really sorry to hear that MC - in no way was I suggesting that it is the fault of family members when they do not succeed in helping - the signs can be very hard to read and even harder to accept, especially since some people who are that depressed and desperate work hard to hide how they''re feeling.

I''m sorry to hear about your experiences 4ever - I hope that you are doing better now - a lot of the time, family members don''t know how or aren''t capable of being good supports. I''m sorry you didn''t have more help.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/11/2010 11:01:21 PM
Author: Maevie
I''m really sorry to hear that MC - in no way was I suggesting that it is the fault of family members when they do not succeed in helping - the signs can be very hard to read and even harder to accept, especially since some people who are that depressed and desperate work hard to hide how they''re feeling.

I''m sorry to hear about your experiences 4ever - I hope that you are doing better now - a lot of the time, family members don''t know how or aren''t capable of being good supports. I''m sorry you didn''t have more help.

Maevie - thanks. I know you weren''t trying to imply anything and my point was just that it''s difficult when it does happen and family/friends feel like it was their fault. In the case I mentioned, suicide had been attempted before by her and we all provided as much support as we could and she was even on meds. I guess regardless of it all, not everyone can be saved. I''m a bit better now. . .my son refuses to even talk about her and he doesn''t know why she died so he must be more confused than ever. He had seen her, she was fine, then suddenly she was dead. We told him she was "sick," but he couldn''t figure out how she went from looking/acting normal to abrubtly dying. When he''s older, we''ll tell him the actual kind of illness she had.

 

[oddoneout]

Very good article. Great information.

 

[Maisie]

Thank you for sharing this with us. Its not easy being around a depressed person, and its worrying that you might say or do the wrong thing. Believe me, any effort is appreciated. I suffered for a long time with no support. Funnily enough I found my support on PS. And I will always be grateful for that.

 

[Arkteia]

MC - I have been dealing with depression and suicide as a professional, and observed severe, seasonal depression with severe suicidal thinking in my father. Trust me, very often there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent it. Even if we feel that a person is heading this way. I totally understand your feeling of guilt - luckily I have had or seen VERY few cases but I feel guilty, too. Unfortunately, it is biology and in some cases neither a person nor a medication can help, all we can do is try.

Another thing I have to mention is that paradoxically, often after a person has made a firm decision to take his or her own life, his/her affect becomes much brighter - as if a weight has been lifted off the shoulders. Another reason why preventing suicide is so difficult. I remember sitting next to a person (not a patient) at a dinner party. He was telling jokes, laughing, having the time of his life...and on returning home he...attempted suicide in a horrible, extremely patient, brutal way (very uncommon for this culture). He did not die but ended up horribly disfigured. Till this day none of us (his friends) can explain the gap between the behavior and the intentions.

What angers me most is the abundance of these new websites which provide extensive tutoring on fool-proof ways to commit suicide. Before, very few attempts ended in completed suicides. With the emergence of these websites, we see more and more cases. The recipes, obviously, work! Especially among young males.

I think that these websites should be banned like child pornography is banned because they are toxic and dangerous, but no one seems to care.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 3/12/2010 12:23:48 PM
Author: MC

Date: 3/11/2010 11:01:21 PM

Author: Maevie

I''m really sorry to hear that MC - in no way was I suggesting that it is the fault of family members when they do not succeed in helping - the signs can be very hard to read and even harder to accept, especially since some people who are that depressed and desperate work hard to hide how they''re feeling.


I''m sorry to hear about your experiences 4ever - I hope that you are doing better now - a lot of the time, family members don''t know how or aren''t capable of being good supports. I''m sorry you didn''t have more help.

Maevie - thanks. I know you weren''t trying to imply anything and my point was just that it''s difficult when it does happen and family/friends feel like it was their fault. In the case I mentioned, suicide had been attempted before by her and we all provided as much support as we could and she was even on meds. I guess regardless of it all, not everyone can be saved. I''m a bit better now. . .my son refuses to even talk about her and he doesn''t know why she died so he must be more confused than ever. He had seen her, she was fine, then suddenly she was dead. We told him she was ''sick,'' but he couldn''t figure out how she went from looking/acting normal to abrubtly dying. When he''s older, we''ll tell him the actual kind of illness she had.

I can''t imagine how hard it is on families and friends of those lost to suicide but through my experiences working with those people, I''m glad to have gained a bit of appreciation for the hell that they go through. I am sorry that your family is struggling with this.

 

[Ara Ann]

What do you do when an acquaintance is severely depressed, has been on meds for years, has even had shock therapy, none seem to really help him and calls constantly?

My husband was introduced to this man, about a year ago, who has had crippling depression for years and he calls us all the time. DH has been very patient with him, listens to him for hours on end (even if he has other things to do) and has tried to help. DH knew someone who committed suicide as well and that horrible feeling has never left him. This man has no family and has used up all of his friendships so wants/expects DH to come to his home, at all hours, and gets mad and sullen when DH just can''t drop everything to see him. This man calls DH at work, he even called when we were in California last week.

So how can one set boundaries with someone who has depression and who almost guilts DH into doing things for him? Of course we want to see him get well and don''t want him to hurt himself, but it is becoming a huge issue, as DH is recently self employed and is trying to get a business off the ground...he can''t spend hours on end on the phone, or drop everything to go to this man''s home. We feel bad, but aren''t sure what to do. Again, guilt is a big motivator in keeping this relationship going...if he did harm or kill himself, DH would be devastated, even though as stated, not everyone can be ''saved'' or cured. Just hard to handle on a day to day basis.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/12/2010 9:12:14 PM
Author: crasru
MC - I have been dealing with depression and suicide as a professional, and observed severe, seasonal depression with severe suicidal thinking in my father. Trust me, very often there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent it. Even if we feel that a person is heading this way. I totally understand your feeling of guilt - luckily I have had or seen VERY few cases but I feel guilty, too. Unfortunately, it is biology and in some cases neither a person nor a medication can help, all we can do is try.

Another thing I have to mention is that paradoxically, often after a person has made a firm decision to take his or her own life, his/her affect becomes much brighter - as if a weight has been lifted off the shoulders. Another reason why preventing suicide is so difficult. I remember sitting next to a person (not a patient) at a dinner party. He was telling jokes, laughing, having the time of his life...and on returning home he...attempted suicide in a horrible, extremely patient, brutal way (very uncommon for this culture). He did not die but ended up horribly disfigured. Till this day none of us (his friends) can explain the gap between the behavior and the intentions.

What angers me most is the abundance of these new websites which provide extensive tutoring on fool-proof ways to commit suicide. Before, very few attempts ended in completed suicides. With the emergence of these websites, we see more and more cases. The recipes, obviously, work! Especially among young males.

I think that these websites should be banned like child pornography is banned because they are toxic and dangerous, but no one seems to care.

Nobody I've talked to has ever mentioned that before. . .when a depressed/suicidal person suddenly cheers up that it may be because they've made a firm decision (that is exactly what my DH thought was the case). My SIL invited everyone over for a huge family gathering and she was so upbeat and happy to have us all there. We thought the meds had finally worked, not knowing that she had gone off of what she had been taking recently before then. That was a month before she killed herself. Everyone has said (hoped?) that she wasn't planning it. . .

 

[House Cat]

Date: 3/11/2010 12:43:34 PM
Author: MC
As a person who had a close relative recently take her life just a few months back, I can wish we tried everything possible to support her. Days don''t go by where we wonder what if we did one thing different would she have not have chosen to kill herself. There is a lot of guilt involved. . .

Sending love your way MC. With the recent suicide in our family, I can relate to what you''ve said here. I won''t say I know exactly how you feel, that''s impossible, even from person to person who is grieving a suicide. I HAVE wondered (too often) if we could have done something. My answer is, "I''m not sure." I think that becomes your mantra for a while because you have so many questions and the only person who could possibly answer them is gone.

I read this article with sadness in my heart. I didn''t bring him meals. I didn''t tell him "I don''t want you to die." I didn''t know that it was necessary! This isn''t a random thing you just say to someone. Contrary to some of the popular literature on suicide, there truly are some people that give NO indication of what they are planning.

There is only one thought that I find soothing through this process. That is the thought that no matter where he is, he is at peace. I know the same is true for your SIL.

My hope for you is that you can find some healing in this process.