How to politely decline a BM request?

[LollyBear]

My future MIL asked me to include my FI's cousin as a BM yesterday

. I'm very happy with our wedding party and don't want to add someone else, so I quickly changed the subject without answering, but I KNOW it will come up the next time I see her. How do I say no without sounding rude?

Reasons why I don't want to include her:
1. I barely know the girl and from what I do know, she is NOT a nice person.
2. My FI dislikes his cousin and despises her mother (long story as to why, will tell if it helps people advise), and when I told him he shouted "OH HELL NO!"
3. The cousin's mom is the one who told FMIL to ask me with the reasoning that she'd be the next to marry if she was in the wedding party (to me, that's reason in itself).
4. We're already perfectly balanced with our men & women and this would require us adding another groomsmen.

When I didn't immediately say yes, FMIL started asking my FI's lil sis (Jr. BM) if she wouldn't prefer being a flowergirl

. I was glad that they left shortly after she said that because it really upset me. I can't believe she'd try and talk her out of being in my party!

While lil sis didn't go for it at the time, I think FMILl keep bringing it up to her and may wear her down unless I do something about it. I need to nip this thing in the bud ASAP!
Any suggestions on how to end it once and for all without coming off as a huge jerk?

 

[teebee]

Lolly ~ I will give this some additional thought but my first reaction would be to tell her that, while you appreciate the suggestion, you and your FI had already given a lot of thought to your wedding party and that you really want to limit the people that are standing up for you both to those friends and family members with whom you are very emotionally close and while the cousin is family, there is not a close relationship between you and her or even your FI and her....??? Of course, if you''re not all that close to some of your other attendants then this would not be a good option... But really, I totally understand... Who wants a practical stranger that you don''t even like being a BM standing up for you??? Obviously you don''t want to be a jerk, but if it gets to that point, it is your wedding and there is no need to include people that you don''t care for just to appease other people, whose reasoning is absolutely ludricrous, that you don''t care for....

 

[AGBF]

You poor thing! My good friend is scheming to do the same thing to her son and his girlfriend if they marry: foist my daughter on them as a bridesmaid (a junior bridesmaid). When my friend's elder son married it was out of state and with no consultation with her. She says that her second son (who happens to be my godson) is going to get married "Italian style", which means that the groom's mother has a lot to say about everything! We shall see! Both her son and his girlfriend are very mellow and my friend is a dynamo, so we may see my daughter in the wedding party after all!

Deborah

 

[LollyBear]

AGFB -
Your friend sure sounds like a firecracker, LOL! At least you are close to your friend and her son. I think I would have a completely different reaction if my mother or one of my aunts had asked me to include a family member (as long as I knew them relatively well). So far my future MIL hasn''t been pushy at all, so hopefully she''ll let this go easy enough.

Teebee -
Thank you for the suggestion; it sounds like a good approach. I probably won''t see my FMIL until this weekend so it''ll give me time to work up the courage to deny her request (for the first time ever). I really respect her and have always gone out of my way to appease her, but I think adding this person to my part would really demean the position.

I definitely have very close relationships with all my BM''s. MOH is my little sister, BM''s include my other sister, my cousin (might as well be my sis) and sister-in-law (brother''s wife who I''ve grown very close to) and JrBM is FI''s little sister, who BTW I''ve known & loved since she was 3 (now 11).

The girl I was asked to include I''ve only met on 3 occassions and she was snotty each time. My FI barely knows her himself since he''s only ever seen this cousin during family get togethers which are few and far between.

That given, this is one concession I refuse to make!

 

[eks6426]

This seems like a good time for your fiance to stand up to his mom and give the speech teebee mentioned. Because if it doesn''t come from him, chances are if you give the "we put a lot of thought into it" speech, she will just start working on her son anyway. Or better yet, both tell her when you are together and put on a united front with your fiance eventually saying, "mom, thank you for your advice, we''ll take that into consideration." etc....