How to limit invitations without hurting feelings

[Karen Gannon]

My beautiful daughter is engaged to a wonderful guy as of last friday!!!! So this is the age old issue of how does one limit the invites to the wedding. My daughter (and I) have druhl over a beautiful white tent, ocean front with crystal chandeliers, and beautiful linens and decorations. Most of the resorts that will let us do it in the georgia -florida area want to charge yikes 300 per plate before anything else is said and done, 15,000 just to set up the tent. She would rather have a small number of people who mean the most to her than cousins aquantances that aren't very close to her. We would love to find someone who has a beautiful house for rent on the beach with an expansive lawn. But either way, how to we explain to people why they aren't invited???? Or do we give up her hopes for a certain kind of wedding and just enjoy all the people, many she hasn't met but maybe once or twice, or never. I am hearing from people I haven't spoken to hardly in years asking when is the wedding??? Really? You haven't called me in 4 years? Family is a sensitive subject but I am a single mom, my husband died 3 years ago and money is beyond tight. How I am going to do this at all is beyond me but I want to give her what she wants???? How do I explain when I was invited to thier childs wedding why I won't be reciprocating?

 

[Gypsy]

You limit the wedding.

You daughter is an adult. She's made a decision that she wants a smaller more intimate wedding. That's what you do. Random people's hurt feelings don't trump hers.

I can't tell you how many cousins DH and I have. We had 90 invites and 70 attendees and our wedding was just right FOR US. Yes, there were a few people hurt, but I don't expect (and wouldn't attend) their weddings (or their children's weddings) either. I'm just not the close to them.

Here's what we did.

As a personal choice I do not have any contact with my dad's side of the family. And even though they've invited me to their weddings and there are three of them I like genuinely, I just did a blanket "no dad's side" rule.

Then we limited our other family (for me that's my mom and step dad) like this: Mom: Anyone up to first cousin's invited. Anyone beyond first cousins are people that are local and we see regularly (10 people). Stepdad: No first cousin's invited (there are 15 of them and it was just too expensive, plus I see most of them once a decade) but my step-dad's siblings were all invited (and one of them did get huffy because she had invited me to her daughter's wedding. But her daughter's wedding was to a .com millionaire and they had 1000 people there, so sorry... different situations).

It was explained as "the bride cares about you and it was difficult but there had to be a cut off somewhere and this was how they decided, I'm sorry."

DH's side: Both sides of parents had first cousin cut off. BUT with him it was easy to say this because they are all in NY/NJ and we were having it in CA. We knew that even though there were more people invited from his side than mine, there would be few attendees.

The only children invited were DH's neices and nephews (I have none). And that was explained as well. And people respected that with NO issue.

Then we invited our friends.

And my mom and step dad wanted 12 of their close friends (6 couples) all of whom had kids whose weddings my parents attended, to come. My parent's paid for those themselves as I refused to (It made no difference to me if they came or not, and frankly I didn't want them there as I'm not close to them). My parent's had a LOT more people on their "reciprocal" invites to weddings list than that, let me tell you. I put my foot down. Those are her imaginary obligations not MINE. She didn't ask ME when she was attending those weddings "Oh honey, if I go to this wedding I will have to invite these random people to your wedding." Cause I would have said, "looks like you are staying home then!" Again, it was explained by my mom as "Bride's choice, I'm sorry." And yes, she had weird people coming out of the woodwork expecting invites too. Nope. Sorry. You aren't coming.

Anyone's nose got out of joint our parent's simply said, "You are welcome to call the bride/groom I'm sure they'd love to hear from you."

No one called us.

Of course we paid for our wedding ourselves so it would have taken brass balls to call us up and ask us to pay for them to attend. And that's exactly how we wanted it.

As it was there were 12 people at my wedding we didn't give a hoot about. we look through my wedding pics and am like: what's that person's name?

It can me done. It HAS been done. And it's THEIR DAY, sorry it's not yours (even if you are paying) and it's not some random guest's day, there is no entitlement to a wedding invite. You just politely explain that the decision was the couples and they made it. If they have an issue with that, that's THEIR problem, not yours and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

 

[missy]

It can me done. It HAS been done. And it's THEIR DAY, sorry it's not yours (even if you are paying) and it's not some random guest's day, there is no entitlement to a wedding invite. You just politely explain that the decision was the couples and they made it. If they have an issue with that, that's THEIR problem, not yours and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Congratulations on your daughter's engagement!

I agree with what Gypsy has written. There needs to be a limit if only based on your daughter's wishes and/or your budget. Weddings are expensive and most people do not have unlimited budgets. And even if they did many prefer a more intimate affair. We had 97 people (I think) at our wedding as we only wanted those closest to us. I don't remember anyone being annoyed (at least to our faces) as most understood the reasons. In fact, many are relieved when not invited to a wedding simply because of some artificial relationship (i.e. 3rd cousin twice removed, friend you haven't spoken to in 5 years etc.).

Good luck and best wishes!

 

[Amys Bling]

You don't have to explain anything- and if you do- my daughter chose to have a small inmate affair- should suffice. I'd they aren't close they aren't close.

 

[Rhea]

We had 45 people at one wedding, and 20 including us at the other (2 countries, 2 weddings). Most of those were overlaps of our parents, best men, and sibling. We eliminated entire sides of the family. I didn't hear anyone complain. We were on a tight budget and that was that.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

You explain it as this, "We have a large family and they really wanted to keep it small. We wish we could invite more, but we just can't. I'd love to show you pictures!"

THEY are rude for assuming they are invited, not the other way around! We've even had to call people after receiving RSPVPs, and tell them that their boyfriend, who I've never laid eyes on, is not invited. If all of my first cousins aren't coming, then her flavor of the month isn't either!

I feel for you. Guest list is the hardest part!

 

[Amys Bling]

You explain it as this, "We have a large family and they really wanted to keep it small. We wish we could invite more, but we just can't. I'd love to show you pictures!"

THEY are rude for assuming they are invited, not the other way around! We've even had to call people after receiving RSPVPs, and tell them that their boyfriend, who I've never laid eyes on, is not invited. If all of my first cousins aren't coming, then her flavor of the month isn't either!

I feel for you. Guest list is the hardest part!

great suggestion

 

[aviastar]

We split it up; immediate family and bridal party only (plus their significant others, but since it's all people we interact with on a regular basis, we know all the SO's too) for the ceremony and sit down dinner. It's 35 people in all, inluding us and our nieces and nephews. We had to draw the line at immediate family because just the aunt/uncle/first cousin tier easily tripled our numbers.

Then we are having a BBQ "reception" a few months later- mostly just a party that we want to host to let people who weren't invited to the ceremony know that we DO care and want to celebrate with them. It will be super casual (and WAAAAAY not expensive)- at the community center, catered BBQ, lawn games, families more than welcome, no wedding-y things like a first dance or cake cutting. My FI is a coach in the community and we own a business so it gives us a chance to invite his team, our associates, the rest of our family, etc. People we really know and like and but can't necesarily see paying for a formal dinner and/or don't know well enough to have them watch me cry me way through the ceremony

So it's been pretty easy for us to say, "We're doing a ceremony with our families; we hope to see you at the reception!" Everyone has been super understanding. To my face, anyways

 

[Enerchi]

I'm with the suggestion that keep it to "bride & groom's decision". People who are on the periphery don't automatically 'own' an invite ("you saw me when I graduated high school 10 years ago? uh... NO, not invited") and I totally disagree with repaying social engagements by inviting to a wedding - thats ridiculous. Like Gypsy said - Mom, you should have asked me before you accepted, if that was the deal. Our wedding was basically a repayment of social debt by my mother to her country club friends. We knew about 1/2 of the 85 people who were invited to our wedding...the rest were all her friends, and while my parents were divorced, my father was "allowed" to invite 1 couple plus a date and he had to pay for 1/2 the wedding!

and... if people are asking to be invited... isn't that rude in itself?

KIS - Keep It Simple. This is the list, here we go, no discussion. Explanations shouldn't be required for attending a wedding as a guest. You are invited or you are not. Period.

 

[Hospatogi]

I agree with what everyone else has written. It is your daughter's special day and why shouldnt you both have the wedding you want? It is hard because there will be a few hurt feelings but people that really care about you and know your circumstances will understand. "Those that mind dont matter and those that matter dont mind" .

 

[Karen Gannon]

Thank you all for your input! People I haven't heard from in years, are asking "when is the date"? And family is already telling me "I have to invite so and so" and "so and so had you to her wedding", etc. It is putting so much stress on me because my husband has passed away and daughter and her fiance are just barely out of school. But they got out with no student loans and I am so proud of them for that. So this is my gift to them as best I can. I almost thing it would be easier to hop a plane to Bahamas or Bermuda for a smaller wedding because I know so few people would come. Not nice, I know. I agree, these is her wedding, her friends. Those are the most important people in addition to close family and friends who are more like family than most of the family, lol!!! But I can see a rough ride coming!!!

 

[Karen Gannon]

Gypsy thank you espcially for giving me the confidence to say sorry, this is a small event etc. I love your cat. We have a gray and white cat who looks just like him, he is the love of my life!

 

[Enerchi]

Thank you all for your input! People I haven't heard from in years, are asking "when is the date"? And family is already telling me "I have to invite so and so" and "so and so had you to her wedding", etc. It is putting so much stress on me because my husband has passed away and daughter and her fiance are just barely out of school. But they got out with no student loans and I am so proud of them for that. So this is my gift to them as best I can. I almost thing it would be easier to hop a plane to Bahamas or Bermuda for a smaller wedding because I know so few people would come. Not nice, I know. I agree, these is her wedding, her friends. Those are the most important people in addition to close family and friends who are more like family than most of the family, lol!!! But I can see a rough ride coming!!!

Stay strong and don't buckle under pressure. This is something you are gifting your daughter and if you are paying for it, you have EVERY right to determine what your max budget is and that's the final amount. ITs weird with weddings - people always seem to get their knickers in a twist over something or another ... but you are not a multi bazillionaire and this is a special, private, significant emotional event and milestone in your lives. It is not a Hollywood show put on to entertain the third or fourth tier relatives/friends from who knows how far back! lol!

SP - you are a wonderful mom doing the most generous thing for your daughter, I hope it flows smoothly for you and you get thru this effortlessly

 

[Gypsy]

"Those that mind dont matter and those that matter dont mind" .

I love this. I highly suggest making a nice version of this saying with some cool font in your favorite colors, frame it and put it by your phone or wherever it is that you will be dealing with crazy people.

You are more than welcome. And I am happy to keep helping you be strong. We had some wacky people ask for invites.

First thing I did, the minute anyone said, "When's the wedding" I trained everyone my husband (then fiance) and my parents to say: The MONTH only (not the date) and along with "it's going to be a intimate small wedding." We started this way before we even knew what our exact numbers were.

So my mom would say:
"When's the wedding?"
"The couple chose a very small intimate wedding in September."
And I would say:
"We're having a very small intimate wedding in September."

It set the expectation right out the gate. Our wedding really WASN'T that small (for some 90 invites is a big, and so is 70 attendees). But we wanted everyone to think it was small so it wouldn't surprise anyone that didn't get an invite.

 

[Gypsy]

By the way we had a few people say, "Well, when's the date? I need to reserve it and/or ask for time off."

If they were probably going to be invited I would say "we're still looking for venues and don't know the date yet, but the invitations will be sent with 2 months notice." 8 weeks out is standard don't let people bully you into picking a date or place.

If they weren't going to be invited I would say, "We really aren't sure about our invitation list yet, but it's going to be very tight and I wouldn't want you to take unneeded time off/save a weekend unnecessarily," with an apologetic smile. Just put it out there from the start.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

My other advice is that if you do Save the Dates or tell certain people they are invited, be SURE you want them there. I had a friend that I've been friends with for 4+ years, we talked on a daily basis. We actually at one point lived together. Since I got engaged, she has gotten engaged to a man over twice her age, and has developed a major drinking problem. I have tried to reach out to her with no response, yet she had the gall to ask me where her invitation was! I'm really glad we decided not to invite her to the wedding, because she hasn't been a friend to me in a really long time. If we had sent her a STD we would have been locked in.

 

[aviastar]

"Those that mind dont matter and those that matter dont mind" .

I love this. I highly suggest making a nice version of this saying with some cool font in your favorite colors, frame it and put it by your phone or wherever it is that you will be dealing with crazy people.

You are more than welcome. And I am happy to keep helping you be strong. We had some wacky people ask for invites.

First thing I did, the minute anyone said, "When's the wedding" I trained everyone my husband (then fiance) and my parents to say: The MONTH only (not the date) and along with "it's going to be a intimate small wedding." We started this way before we even knew what our exact numbers were.

So my mom would say:
"When's the wedding?"
"The couple chose a very small intimate wedding in September."
And I would say:
"We're having a very small intimate wedding in September."

It set the expectation right out the gate. Our wedding really WASN'T that small (for some 90 invites is a big, and so is 70 attendees). But we wanted everyone to think it was small so it wouldn't surprise anyone that didn't get an invite.

YES YES YES! I always respond, "May." or "This spring". We also let our siblings, grandparents, etc know almost immediately- this will be very small and for immediate family only, please do not start making plans with Uncle SoandSo. If you get flack from people who are invited about the extras they want to see there or bring- threaten elopement. We put it out there from the very first; this is how we would like the day to be, and if anyone raises too much stink about we will simply leave and do it ourselves. And we meant it.

Also, I am being very careful of what I am posting about the wedding on Facebook- booked our honeymoon? Yes, that's exclusive by nature. Just mailed the invites that most of you won't get? Not so much. Then no one is asking where their invite is

 

[Karen Gannon]

You guys are the best. Gypsy I am definately going to print out that reminder to myself. Today I have already had one friend ask me "my daughter wants to make sure she is invited" and another say "what is the date so I can mark it". Yes these are friends and if sky was the limit it would be no question. But, quite honestly I am shocked! I would never be so forward as to assume I am invited unless I am very close to the bride or groom.

 

[aviastar]

You guys are the best. Gypsy I am definately going to print out that reminder to myself. Today I have already had one friend ask me "my daughter wants to make sure she is invited" and another say "what is the date so I can mark it". Yes these are friends and if sky was the limit it would be no question. But, quite honestly I am shocked! I would never be so forward as to assume I am invited unless I am very close to the bride or groom.

So your daughter has been engaged for a WEEK and people are already asking for a confirmed date and an invitation? Holy crow, it took me longer than that to even think about which SEASON would work!

 

[Gypsy]

You guys are the best. Gypsy I am definately going to print out that reminder to myself. Today I have already had one friend ask me "my daughter wants to make sure she is invited" and another say "what is the date so I can mark it". Yes these are friends and if sky was the limit it would be no question. But, quite honestly I am shocked! I would never be so forward as to assume I am invited unless I am very close to the bride or groom.

So your daughter has been engaged for a WEEK and people are already asking for a confirmed date and an invitation? Holy crow, it took me longer than that to even think about which SEASON would work!

Forgive me if I'm being obtuse but... is that a southern thing? A lot of brides I've heard have had problems with pushy people are in NJ/NY (where my DH is from) or in the south. It just seems that both those areas do larger weddings that invite many people, so people just assume they are invited. It doesn't seem to occur to them that they might not be. (Especially in "cover your plate" areas of NJ/NY).

For the woman and her daughter. "I'm sorry, no. It's going to be a small wedding-- close family and friends of the bride and groom only." Just nip that in the bud. My DAUGHTER wants to know if she's invited?!? Which, of course assumes, SHE IS if her daughter might be? Hello, rude much?


We got your back momma. The sooner you start the sooner the rude questions will end cause people will start to get a clue. I can't imagine being that forward.

 

[stargurl78]

Ugh, I'm stressed out just reading this thread because I remember what a pain I had to deal with while planning our wedding. Let's just say my MIL was less than pleasant about wanting to invite all of her family, friends, and coworkers (most of which neither me or my husband had ever met).

Gypsy, I don't think its only a southern thing for people to invite themselves to weddings. I live in the northern midwest and several of my parents' neighbors asked where their invite was (people I have never talked to in my life). Some of my coworkers did too and I ended up inviting less than half of the people from my office so there may have been some hurt feelings there.