How to handle a situation.

[Gypsy]

THIS ENDED UP REALLY LONG. SORRY.


We don't go to clubs or bars often (um... at all). But some friends from work invited us out and we thought 'what the heck!' so we went and had a great time. Except for one thing. The excursion was 'hosted' by this lovely lady (who likes to party) we'll call her E and her husband ( we'll call him X) whom I hadn't met before. Everyone else there was awesome. And X's brother was like my people watching buddy all night (my husband doesn't people watch) and was such the gentleman... understood conversation and physical boundaries and was just a fun person all around. There was another couple there who I really liked, they were funny and great to hang with and talk to.

So I'm not sure what happened. But my husband, who doesn't drink much anymore starting doing shots with X (who apparently drinks like a fish). And they both get toasted-- but my husband get anhilated. E walks over and gives her hubby a hug and gives my hubby one too (surprised us all) and my hubby hugged her back. Next thing I know X is making a comment to ME-- complete non-sequester about how husband's are possessive of their wives. I'm like, "Huh" And then he starts making inappropriate comments about me physically. Like... what size bra do you wear, you've got a great rack. And... how long are your legs hon, I love a lady with some stems on her

And I'm just... in shock, and pretend that I can't hear him over the music. So he repeats himself. And I say, that I'm not sure it's been a while since I've checked. My husband is OUT OF IT, and is sitting with a couple of other guys a couple of tables over from where I am sitting. All I can think of is because hubby hugged his wife, he thought that talking like that to me was... payback????? No clue. Oh and he put his hand on my leg, but I stood up and got it off me. Ick.

So leave to go sit next to his brother who is cracking jokes about the DJ (the music selection was just a riot) and doing other fun and innocuous things. And I stay by him or my husband, or one of the women the rest of the night.

So we've been invited to go out with this group of people again... and I had a lot of fun. Except for X. I would like to delete (and bleach off) the memory of X. I've told my husband what happened and how it made me feel and he was like "Okay so we won't go out with them anymore."... but I don't think that's the right answer either. I don't want to let this sleezeball drive us away from other very nice people to hang out with.

But I am afraid that if we go out again... he'll make another comment. And I can be a complete b*tch (you all know this), but my problem is that once I let go... it's Nuclear. No Holds Barred. Bridges burned.

So is there a way to politely tell this guy where he can shove his "stems" and "rack" if it happens again? I just want him to respect my boundaries. I'm willing to give going out with them again a try. But if I get flustered again, I won't go out a third time. And if I let my b*tch out, there won't be a third invite.

 

[Imdanny]

The last time this happened to me this guy put his hand on my leg and I just said, "It's nothing personal but I've been in a relationship for 15 years and I've never cheated." and he took his hand of my leg. I would think even in a bar a person should be able to respect personal boundaries, but as you said this guy already knows you're married, so he's already not doing that. Please update us on how you handle it if he does it again.

 

[Circe]

Ugh, Gypsy.

I think the problem with scenarios like this is that they both make you feel like your space has been invaded in the moment, and they make you feel insecure about related issues (everything from "did he think I was encouraging this?" to "is it going to happen again?") Bottom line is, your behavior was completely above-board, and dude is either a lech, a hopeful swinger, a possessive creep, or all of the above.

My advice? Continue hanging out with them, if you enjoy the company of the crowd, and just avoid being around him in close proximity the same way you'd avoid somebody's big, slobbery dog. If he does manage to corner you, what I do is smile real big, and keep playing dumb - i.e., "What's that about a rack? Are we talking barbecue, Inquisition ...?" because, frankly, if he comes out and says "I am inquiring about the precise dimensions of your enormous bazongas," well, either he gets points for sheer chutzpah, or he's outed himself as a jerk for all to see. Alternately, smiling politely and saying "Wow, that's really inappropriate!" before getting up and walking away in a leisurely fashion works. It all depends on how offensive the comments are, and in what spirit they're offered. For sincere if inappropriate comments, I go with one of the above. Anything more? Well. Stiletto heels are named after weapons for a reason, right?

 

[Sabine]

I agree with Circe that you should go out with them, and if he does act inappropriately again, find a way to tell him clearly that you're not interested and want him to stop without going nuclear. A simple, "you are being inappropriate, please stop" should do the trick. Yeah, it stinks that this guy ruined your good time, and you shouldn't have to deal with that, but as long as he stops after you tell him to, there's no real reason to get really angry. For all he knows, some women might enjoy his advances or flirting and he might see it as harmless, and an overly angry reaction could cause him to get defensive and make a scene, which would taint the relationship with all involved.

 

[Indylady]

So he was drunk?

I'd ask hubby not to get plastered, and I'd probably call it a night as soon as I notice most people around me are drunk, including this guy. A firm, and forceful response to this situation is necessary; I don't agree with smiling or saying please. Your words and body language should say the same thing: NO!

I went to a self-defense workshop recently for travelling women. When women are approached by men, the travelling woman often gets shy, says "no" but smiles and politely nods their head. Many men (and in the case of my workshop, many men from non-US cultures) don't understand this, and take it as being coy. A PSA to all ladies (or rather anyone!): If you're trying to get a point across, make sure your words, your body language, and your demeanor all match. If you're saying no, make sure the rest of you says it too.

 

[somethingshiny]

Okay, I may be WAY off the mark here, but something very similar happened to DH and I, (minus the DH being drunk part). Apparently, when the woman showed interest in my DH, that was her DH's cue that she wanted to begin swinging with us. Her DH then started making the inappropriate comments to me. They really weren't sleazy people and I was very surprised but happy as hell to leave! The woman's brother is a friend of DH's and filled us in after the situation. The next time we saw them and they attempted to "flirt" we just said "no, we're not into that" and it was fine. No more inappropriateness. We never took to hanging out with them, but we did share a group of friends for a while.

Whether they're into you guys as a couple of if he's just crossing the line with you, I wouldn't let that stop you from hanging out with otherwise cool people. Definitely tell him/them "no" but don't make a big deal out of it.

 

[Girlrocks]

Okay, I may be WAY off the mark here, but something very similar happened to DH and I, (minus the DH being drunk part). Apparently, when the woman showed interest in my DH, that was her DH's cue that she wanted to begin swinging with us. Her DH then started making the inappropriate comments to me. They really weren't sleazy people and I was very surprised but happy as hell to leave! The woman's brother is a friend of DH's and filled us in after the situation. The next time we saw them and they attempted to "flirt" we just said "no, we're not into that" and it was fine. No more inappropriateness. We never took to hanging out with them, but we did share a group of friends for a while.

Whether they're into you guys as a couple of if he's just crossing the line with you, I wouldn't let that stop you from hanging out with otherwise cool people. Definitely tell him/them "no" but don't make a big deal out of it.

This is EXACTLY what I thought of first also!!!

 

[Gypsy]

Oh lord. Swingers? That didn't even occur to me. Okay, I'm going to suggest we seem them again soonish and avoid X like a slobbering dog. If he gets out of line I'll try something firm like, "I'm really not comfortable with where this conversation is going" and leave. And yes, hubby will not get drunk again... I didn't even have to say anything he pretty much volunteered for that one after I told him what happened.

Thanks, all.

 

[Dancing Fire]

So I'm not sure what happened. But my husband, who doesn't drink much anymore starting doing shots with X (who apparently drinks like a fish). And they both get toasted-- but my husband get anhilated. E walks over and gives her hubby a hug and gives my hubby one too (surprised us all) and my hubby hugged her back. Next thing I know X is making a comment to ME-- complete non-sequester about how husband's are possessive of their wives. I'm like, "Huh" And then he starts making inappropriate comments about me physically. Like... what size bra do you wear, you've got a great rack. And... how long are your legs hon, I love a lady with some stems on her

Gypsy...SMTRack !!

 

[honey22]

Gypsy, my first thought also was that they may have been hinting for a swingers thing? I would take it as a compliment (privately) but just make it clear that you are not appreciating his advances/jokes/whatever. Its such a shame to stop hanging out with your friends due to one donkey head.

 

[treefrog]

Ugh.

I'm not sure I have any advice but I do have some observations.

1) This is somewhat work related people?
2) In the beginning, you say you and Mr. Gypsy don't go out much. By the end, you'd like to go out again.
3) In the beginning, you say you and Mr. Gypsy doesn't drink much. By the end, he is inebriated.

I agree that this sounds like it could be the beginning of an attempt for you to... err... "broaden your horizons". My real fear is that this is a stepping stone. You don't go out much, don't drink much right now. Next thing you know, you're going out all the time and drinking more and more. This is how problems start. I say cut your losses and drop this crowd. Maintain your integrity.

If anything, X's brother sounds like fun. If you enjoyed your time out, maybe you and Mr. Gypsy can just do a double date kind of thing with him and his SO.

Treefrog

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Since you guys don't go out much as it is, I would decline any future outtings...or at the very least, don't go again for several months and then stay away from X.

Many years ago we used to occasionally go out with D's coworkers. Usually just dinner or game night--they were a pretty social group. In any case, one night at dinner D's boss put his hand on my leg under the table. I didn't go out with the group again for a long time and then when I did, I avoided him completely. It seemed to work--he got the picture and never spoke to me again. I was relieved!

 

[janinegirly]

I kind of agree with NEL. I'm not sure why you think it was such a great time or why the new crowd is so nice...sort of seems like the night was very booze infused which genarally makes these kinds of scenarios more likely to happen. I'd be turned off from hanging out with them/X. Was your DH angry after he sobered up?

 

[Tuckins1]

Gypsy, sorry that you had a major creep fest with X.... sounds familiar. Our friend had a housewarming party last year and his brother and brother's friend were EXTREMELY drunk and VERY offensive. I mean, actually "sniffing" around my body, making references to my lady parts, etc... I was trying to stay civil and not offend my friend's brother, but after a little bit, I had to make an excuse to go back in the house and stayed right next to DH for the rest of the night. We don't see those guys often, and they will not keep me from spending time with my friend. However, I will not engage them in conversation, and will not be alone with them. Don't let a jackass keep you from your friends. Go out, have fun. Try to steer clear and don't engage him. If he is inappropriate again, tell him he is being offensive and walk away. Be a strong woman and be in charge. Don't be afraid of a man who obviously can't control his mouth when he's drunk!