How to differentiate between someone going through a tough time and domestic abuse (mental)?

[mellowyellowgirl]

Hi Folks

I need your wisdom as I am trying to handle a delicate situation with Bestie.

Bestie's husband (let's call him D) is depressed, medicated and currently seeing a psychologist weekly to seek help. It is great that he is working on his issues however he is mean. Very mean.
Prior to them catching covid a month ago he banned her from seeing her parents or any of her friends. The only person she was allowed to see was his parents and sister lest she bring covid home and kill him. They all caught covid and surprise......he did not die! Didn't even go to hospital! During the ban he also went on holidays, in a plane, to Queensland to celebrate his birthday. Planes are ok apparently because of the filtration system. So is holidaying and dining out on his birthday.

She has recently told him that she cannot live like a hermit and is going out to see friends and her family. She is taking her kids to see her parents. He had a meltdown, cried and told her that her parents have wronged him and she should not be seeing her parents until they officially apologise to him. This relates to an incident when the twins were young, her parents came over to help out. When they were helping out the twins preferred them to him and would still hug the grandparents even after he returned home from work. Grandparents hugged them back, he argues that grandparents should not have hugged them back as it is disrespectful to him.

Bestie has told him that the apology is never going to happen so she is taking the kids to see her parents each week.

He also suffers from fatigue so Bestie has to do all the housework. However he regularly has meltdowns because her housework is not good enough or she is not organised enough to anticipate all the things that should be done. For instance the watermelon sat in the fridge for 2 days before she chopped it, prompting him to have a meltdown about how stressful it is that she bought watermelon and has decided to ignore it. This is not the first incident with watermelon.

She asked him for a few chips while they were watching TV together and he shouted at her for being rude and ruining his enjoyment of these long awaited chips!

Bestie is an AMAZING girl! Not much bothers her at all. She has been telling me that she finds him exhausting but in lieu of his mental health issues she feels she needs to be more understanding. She says he is a very unhappy person so she thinks that is why he is like this.

My MIL suffers from mental illness. She is very lovely. She has many challenges but she definitely does not go around terrorising people! I am tempted to tell Bestie he is just an @sshole! He ticks a lot of boxes on all the domestic violence checklists I fill out when I try to analyse her situation.

I am due to have lunch with her soon. I would like to know from wise PSers who have more life experience than me, at what point do you draw the line between someone who is doing it tough and someone who is an @sshole?

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Hi Folks

I need your wisdom as I am trying to handle a delicate situation with Bestie.

Bestie's husband (let's call him D) is depressed, medicated and currently seeing a psychologist weekly to seek help. It is great that he is working on his issues however he is mean. Very mean.
Prior to them catching covid a month ago he banned her from seeing her parents or any of her friends. The only person she was allowed to see was his parents and sister lest she bring covid home and kill him. They all caught covid and surprise......he did not die! Didn't even go to hospital! During the ban he also went on holidays, in a plane, to Queensland to celebrate his birthday. Planes are ok apparently because of the filtration system. So is holidaying and dining out on his birthday.

She has recently told him that she cannot live like a hermit and is going out to see friends and her family. She is taking her kids to see her parents. He had a meltdown, cried and told her that her parents have wronged him and she should not be seeing her parents until they officially apologise to him. This relates to an incident when the twins were young, her parents came over to help out. When they were helping out the twins preferred them to him and would still hug the grandparents even after he returned home from work. Grandparents hugged them back, he argues that grandparents should not have hugged them back as it is disrespectful to him.

Bestie has told him that the apology is never going to happen so she is taking the kids to see her parents each week.

He also suffers from fatigue so Bestie has to do all the housework. However he regularly has meltdowns because her housework is not good enough or she is not organised enough to anticipate all the things that should be done. For instance the watermelon sat in the fridge for 2 days before she chopped it, prompting him to have a meltdown about how stressful it is that she bought watermelon and has decided to ignore it. This is not the first incident with watermelon.

She asked him for a few chips while they were watching TV together and he shouted at her for being rude and ruining his enjoyment of these long awaited chips!

Bestie is an AMAZING girl! Not much bothers her at all. She has been telling me that she finds him exhausting but in lieu of his mental health issues she feels she needs to be more understanding. She says he is a very unhappy person so she thinks that is why he is like this.

My MIL suffers from mental illness. She is very lovely. She has many challenges but she definitely does not go around terrorising people! I am tempted to tell Bestie he is just an @sshole! He ticks a lot of boxes on all the domestic violence checklists I fill out when I try to analyse her situation.

I am due to have lunch with her soon. I would like to know from wise PSers who have more life experience than me, at what point do you draw the line between someone who is doing it tough and someone who is an @sshole?

Could any of the medication (not necessarily for mental health) he is on be effecting him
for a very brief very most unpleasant time (including my birthday) medication Gary was on almost turned him psychotic

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

The watermelon thing is bl**dy stupid imho
But i have a workmate who's partner will not slice the lovelly bread we get to take home for free (have you seen the price of bread lately)

 

[missy]

I am sorry to read this and sorry that the professional help he is receiving is not currently working.
I guess one of the questions you have is she experiencing emotional abuse. He sounds (from what you have written) emotionally immature and I wonder if he was always this way or something (the stress of the pandemic) has brought this out in him.

The incident with the grandchildren and grandparents sounds like it happened before the pandemic however. I mean it sounds like he might have always behaved in an unbecoming, inconsiderate, and immature manner. But she married him and chose to have children with him. And it is up to her if she decides to change the situation for her and her children.

It really is up to your friend as to what to do here. She is an adult and she is as you describe her at least, fully capable of making her own decisions.

I would take great caution here as no one who speaks out against one's spouse goes unscathed. Especially if they end up working it out and staying together. Be very careful. I might feel (if I were your friend) that you didn't think me capable of handling my personal affairs and nothing is more personal than one's marriage.

I am sorry I cannot offer you more definitive advice but to stay out of it.
Unless she asks for your help that is. That would be, IMO, the wisest thing to do at this juncture unless something changes.

Wishing her and her family a successful resolution to what is a very challenging and unpleasant situation.
I know as her best friend this has to hurt you too and I am sorry.

 

[qubitasaurus]

Why not tell her you're a bit worried and remind her that as you have been friends for so long she knows she can rely on you for anything. Then tell her youd love to hear all about it from her perspective whenever she is ready to open up about it. Then listen carefully to try to see what it's really like and how she feels about it, with as few preconceptions as possible.

Ultimately I think she has to want it to change for a change to be made. If she does say she thinks it's bad, then I'd softly push on her to tell you what's holding her back.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

This is tricky. I have one friend who is NOT good at picking partners, she's tried a few times and I've been there to witness it. I have never offered my opinion unless asked, I have always let her know that I'm there should she want any help (and I have, a few times). I think that's the best you really can do. She has to make the decision to do something or not. FWIW he sounds awful. I would not tolerate that at all.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

This is tricky. I have one friend who is NOT good at picking partners, she's tried a few times and I've been there to witness it. I have never offered my opinion unless asked, I have always let her know that I'm there should she want any help (and I have, a few times). I think that's the best you really can do. She has to make the decision to do something or not. FWIW he sounds awful. I would not tolerate that at all.

I am trying to work out if when she vents about him, I should try to remain neutral despite being sympathetic. Or can I straight up call him an @sshole like I want to? So far I am super careful about what I say but I am wondering if it would empower her if I straight up told her what I flatly think of him (not good things).

I have left every Thursday and Friday free for her indefinitely so that I can see her whenever she wants as he is difficult and she will only get out of the house when she's had enough.

I hear you about the picking poor partners! The guy before this one asked her if he could get a hand j@b in Thailand when he's on holidays. If she would mind! I hit the roof about that one! This was many many years ago.

 

[rainydaze]

I have a very hard time seeing or hearing of people being treated this way by their partners. It makes my blood boil and my stomach turn. What seems obvious to those of us on the outside of the relationship - he is abusive, horrible, exhausting, not worth your pain and suffering, great if he is working on it but you need to remove & protect yourself & the kids while he does, or he's straight up abusive and that isn't going to change, leave him - is a much more complicated matter on the inside. I don't want to offer advice however I will support your feelings that he is abusive.

He is trying to isolate her, separate her from her friends and family. That is a very dangerous position for her to be in. That is a move meant to establish and maintain control over the abused partner, and prevent them from being able to leave.

Being angry and punishing your friend and her children for hugging the grandparents??? What??? Such an extreme reaction to a normal, everyday, positive moment may well stem from mental illness (i.e. depression causing him to have no love for himself, therefore finding it intolerable for those around him to give and receive love). However that is no excuse. Period. For his behavior, or for her to have to stay with him and subject herself and her kids to this kind of treatment while he gets help.

The housework, and the chips... also controlling to my mind. She can do no right, and she's being made to walk on eggshells over the littlest things... which programs her to be submissive. If his programming works, he can escalate his behaviors. All of this, again to my mind, constitutes abuse.

That said, what can you do? I don't have experience with this so I am not qualified to answer. I believe you can go to abuse counselors/shelters for advice on what to do for a friend who is in an abusive situation. And what others have already said is what I have often heard - let your friend know that you are a supportive, safe place to land if she finds she needs help/to get away.

I feel for you. I feel for your friend, and her children. This is a gut-wrenching thing to watch someone you love endure, and I would find it painfully difficult not to 'do something'.

 

[rainydaze]

I am trying to work out if when she vents about him, I should try to remain neutral despite being sympathetic. Or can I straight up call him an @sshole like I want to? So far I am super careful about what I say but I am wondering if it would empower her if I straight up told her what I flatly think of him (not good things).

I have left every Thursday and Friday free for her indefinitely so that I can see her whenever she wants as he is difficult and she will only get out of the house when she's had enough.

I hear you about the picking poor partners! The guy before this one asked her if he could get a hand j@b in Thailand when he's on holidays. If she would mind! I hit the roof about that one! This was many many years ago.

This is the tricky thing. I think I have heard more often than not that the friend will distance themselves as you speak openly and honestly about their partner/marriage. Then you are not in a position to help her should she come to the same realizations as you have. I think we can all be supportive to you here, but this may warrant engaging a professional in the matters of abusive relationships to help guide you with advice based on experience, studies, etc.

That said, I'm with you 100%. I would *want* so badly to call this f*&%er out to her and let her know she does not have to put up with this bull. I would hope that she's not sure if she's reading it right, and hearing me echo her secret thoughts would wake her up and empower her. If only.

 

[Obscura]

My first marriage was like this. He was a narcissist and was always making excuses or pinning the blame on other people, including me. In an arguement he threw something and broke my spinning wheel. I didn't find out until 2 days later and he tried to blame it on our daughter who was 18 month old at the time. Appalling, right?

Whether his behavior is from the medication or not, the things listed are definitely emotionally abusive. Especially him trying to isolate her.

However, the sucky part is that @Missyis spot on. I have a friend that is in a bad marriage too, we use to vent to each other. Her situation is worse with cheating and drugs, but she still stays. I made the other choice and left.

I've told her many times that obviously I would not stay in that marriage, but that ultimately it was her life and her choice. She actually thanked me for acknowledging that. That she felt like her other friends that told her to leave didn't understand...

What I would try and mentioned is what I realized that made me leave. How will seeing that behavior from him influence her kids with their own relationships down the line. Will she want her son to treat his wife like that, will she want her daughter to take that kind of abuse and stay in an unhappy and toxic relationship? Not a pleasant thought.

Also mention how concerned you are for her and the kids happiness and your also concerned that his behavior is very toxic. I'd be leery of using the word abusive. Someone that is looking to excuse their behavior will have a negative reaction to it being brought up. That's about as far as I'd go.

You are a great friend. Know that being that is enough. The best to you both.

 

[kgizo]

Do you think she would respond positively if you suggested she sees a professional therapist/counselor? This situation is obviously hard on everyone in the family and whether she decides to leave or stay a professional could help her with strategies and coping techniques.

 

[marymm]

It sounds to me like your BF is sharing details of her life with you, as opposed to complaining about her DH to you ... you are collecting all of the negative things about her DF and wanting to approach your BF about your own feelings about him, yet according to your post nothing much bothers your BF.

In plain English, your BF is okay with handling her life with her DH.

COVID was a difficult situation for everybody in the world, and your BF may have allowed her DH to orchestrate the family policy during the worse period ... but now your BF is making her own decisions about lifting restrictions so she doesn't appear to be cowed by her DH.

Her life may not appeal to you, and you may not see why she stays with him, but absent your BF explicitly asking for your help or for a clear imminent-harm situation, IMO it is not for you to insert yourself into their marriage.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Do you think she would respond positively if you suggested she sees a professional therapist/counselor? This situation is obviously hard on everyone in the family and whether she decides to leave or stay a professional could help her with strategies and coping techniques.

She likely would never get annoyed at anything I say. Like I've said she's extremely easy going and pretty much nothing offends her.

However I don't think she thinks that she needs a counselor because in general she feels fine. The last chat we had, one of the things she mentioned was that she rolls along with life just fine until he has a fit (like the chips incident). She has no idea that he's upset about these seemingly random things and he's upset that she doesn't realize that he's upset until he has the meltdown.

She tells me she wishes he wouldn't get so worked up about things. For example he has a no junk mail sign on his letterbox and will ring up every company that puts in junk mail to complain about the fact that they didn't obey his no junk mail sign. But then him getting angry about the junk mail is not her issue and she's not angry about anything so in that sense she doesn't feel like she needs any therapy. Hope my explanation makes sense!

@marymm you've made a good point and have given me some perspective. I may loath the guy but if she's fine with it, does it make his behaviour wrong just because I think he's a toad? Maybe not. Maybe that's how he rolls and that's their dynamic?

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

@rainydaze your comment about the programming is interesting. She has told me on many occasions that he gets upset about why she's not picking up on his moods and cues.

She tells him that she genuinely does not see why he would be upset, so does not anticipate it and if he needs someone who can anticipate his moods, maybe they should divorce because that's not going to be her. That was met with more tears about how could she want to leave him to which she responded "If I'm upsetting you all the time maybe we should get a divorce?"

It's almost like her easy going tendencies backfire on him at times.

At any rate it seems like the most prudent thing is to go to lunch, listen and keep my trap shut for the most part.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

You know I've just had a realisation.

She's someone I've adored since I was thirteen. We would sit on the train and share food (ironically also chips). We grew up together and have remained as thick as thieves through all of life's changes.

Thirteen year old me wanted better for her and forty year old me can't believe she's stuck with this little cretin. She's such an amazing person I don't understand why she ended up with him. All my other friends have pretty nice, normal husbands.

This thread is probably me trying to process my filter, coming to terms with the fact that I think he's a fwit and how to manage my interactions appropriately.

 

[partgypsy]

Glad you are there for your friend. She does seem like a strong person. It's a good sign that she's advocating for herself and doing things like getting out of the house, letting her kids see the grandparents. All I can say, when I was in a similar situation, I only took it seriously when I started to see a therapist, and the therapist spelled it out for me. So. If she is willing to have a therapist to talk to, that might make a difference. And while she is strong now, the longer she stays the more likely he will wear her down to his level.

 

[partgypsy]

But yeah. If I was her friend I think I would say something like, I think the world of you. You are a great person. I know marriages are private things but I don't see why you stay with x. He doesn't treat you well and you deserve someone who is a supportive partner who adds to your life. No lecturing or nagging but ok to give your opinion the next time she tells you one of these stories.

 

[seaurchin]

I'm not sure if this applies to your situation so fwiw. I had a friend from childhood who complained nonstop about how her guy mistreated her. This went on for years --- and through four different longterm relationships.

She obviously didn't want my input but just to tell me all about it, endlessly. She had a role for me, which was to agree that the jackoff du jour had mistreated her, that she was the one in the right, and that she certainly did set him straight that time! Rinse and repeat, ad nauseum.

When I'd mention anything that might change her situation rather than nod along to her script, she'd get snippy or abruptly end the conversation. I backed off from her long ago but whenever we did talk, no matter how infrequently, the broken record routine was still firmly in place. (I no longer speak to her).

It sounds like your friend is doing the same. Like she wants you on standby to continuously unload/vent on and get sympathy. There are several obvious things she could do to start changing her situation, so why does she never do any of them? Even her husband goes to a mental health professional, for ex. It's not hard to make an appointment. I feel like the wronged, good woman/man thing can become an identity or "addiction" to people that they don't want to give up.

If the above applies, and upsets/annoys you too much, I'd consider disengaging. You could say, "Yeah, we've talked about that. So have you made any changes?" Then change the subject. And a friend should want to meet with you for lunch because she wants to see you, at a time convenient for both. Her wanting you on call to meet when she's fed up with him instead sounds familiarly one-sided to me. JMHO and good luck.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Here's a tactic I learned when my kids were teens.
I would ask---'are you venting, or do you want me to give advice or take action?'

Personally---the relationship sounds fairly awful and his behavior is extremely disturbing. She really should be seeing a therapist--either by herself or marriage counseling to learn how to navigate his behavior.
And if not for her---she should do it for her children. They are growing up with a mentally unstable father. And if she thinks it is not damaging them, she is mistaken.
You can't go back in time and re-do their childhood.
I hope he gets better with meds and therapy.

You are a good friend and she sounds like a lovely woman.

 

[swingtime]

Her husband's behavior is abusive. You've known your friend since you were thirteen...was there abusive behavior in her family when she was growing up? I ask this because you mentioned that she had another partner who behaved badly toward your friend, and people who end up with toxic partners often come from toxic families. In that case - and really, in any case, because she has kids - I'd recommend that she get some therapy.

I could not sit by and watch her children grow up in such a horrible environment without speaking up. There's a risk that she may distance herself from you if you express concern. But, for me, that risk would be worth it, since there are children involved.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

She likely would never get annoyed at anything I say. Like I've said she's extremely easy going and pretty much nothing offends her.

However I don't think she thinks that she needs a counselor because in general she feels fine. The last chat we had, one of the things she mentioned was that she rolls along with life just fine until he has a fit (like the chips incident). She has no idea that he's upset about these seemingly random things and he's upset that she doesn't realize that he's upset until he has the meltdown.

She tells me she wishes he wouldn't get so worked up about things. For example he has a no junk mail sign on his letterbox and will ring up every company that puts in junk mail to complain about the fact that they didn't obey his no junk mail sign. But then him getting angry about the junk mail is not her issue and she's not angry about anything so in that sense she doesn't feel like she needs any therapy. Hope my explanation makes sense!

@marymm you've made a good point and have given me some perspective. I may loath the guy but if she's fine with it, does it make his behaviour wrong just because I think he's a toad? Maybe not. Maybe that's how he rolls and that's their dynamic?

I wonder if he has some sort of autism being so anal about such little things ?

 

[Bron357]

His behaviour is inappropriate.
He cannot be “banning her” from seeing her family and/ or holding a ridiculous grudge from years ago.
A having disagreements over watermelon cutting!
Either his therapy / medication isn’t helping enough or he is just an a hole.
Marriage is a partnership. Both contribute and both make an effort to accomodate the other. It is not all his way.
Yes, he may need more understanding if he is dealing with mental health issues but that doesn’t give him the right to be a nasty, controlling and whining partner.
I would suggest couples counselling.

 

[GliderPoss]

Nope, he just sounds like a straight up assh*ole using mental health as an excuse to be a twat to her. Others are right though, sounds unlikely she will leave so just offer a reassuring shoulder to cry on & be a good friend to her.

 

[LilAlex]

...he banned her from seeing her parents or any of her friends. The only person she was allowed to see was his parents and sister ...He had a meltdown, cried and told her that her parents have wronged him and she should not be seeing her parents until they officially apologise to him.

I think this is all the evidence anyone needs. One spouse does not "ban" the other spouse's activities or social contacts. This is pathological and abusive. Next question.

 

[oncrutchesrightnow]

It is not going to get better and he will treat the kids at least as badly as he treats her.

SometImes it helps DV victims to know that they do not have to choose right this very minute whether to leave or else suffer forever. Just take a few steps back. Maybe take the kids on an overnight trip? A weekend away with her bestie? She wouldn’t be divorcing him.

It also never hurts to have a bag with some extra supplies, like a pre-paid debit card and a little extra in cash and a few extra days’ worth of food for the kids and maybe even a cheap burner phone somewhere other than her home or car or office. In case there’s an asteroid or something. And he doesn’t have to know.

After years of working with abuse victims I have found those two suggestions to be helpful without causing offense.

I love the idea of her seeing a therapist because DH can’t complain about it. (He would, though.)

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

It's a little confusing for me since when I read up stuff on domestic violence, one partner needs to be cowed by another.

I think in their situation he's just unpleasant and she handles it calmly. She's not scared of him, she just wishes he wouldn't carry on so much.

We went to lunch a while back at a restaurant that we both like. He cried and had a meltdown because he'd eaten at that restaurant before and had a fight with restaurant management. He was upset that she would still go and eat at the restaurant (with me, without him) as it was not showing support for him. He said he felt betrayed by her. She went to dinner with me anyway and told him that they had to agree to disagree because she didn't think the fight he had with the restaurant was valid.

He certainly carries on like someone who wants to perpetuate domestic abuse (imo based on what I've read and based on his behaviour) but I wouldn't say she's cowed by him. She says she feels sorry for him because he's depressed and always upset about stuff. I think a lot of the times she does what he wants not out of fear but because he's so miserable and upset about stuff.

She skips our group outings (girls only, no husbands) because she feels sorry for him being home alone. Covid didn't help either obviously!

 

[MMtwo]

I eventually left a marriage that had verbal abuse. I would not wish that life on anyone.

As a friend, she needs to vent. As many other posters mentioned though, negativity against him from your perspective may not be helpful to her and as she is processing things and back and forth, it may cause her to put distance between you. The thing about abuse is that it is so hard to see clearly when you are in the situation. I used to ask people "is this normal?" kind of questions because after a while, normal becomes a fluid concept. She definitely needs you. If she directly asks how you would see it, you are probably okay to gently tell her how you see it, gently though. Keep neutral...

Please direct her to counseling herself.

That is how I finally got the nerve to leave him. When our counselor explained that this was how he was, my challenge was to either accept him and the situation, knowing my life would be a one-sided give and no take, or leave. I had to understand I could not change the man (young girl mistake 101).

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

That is how I finally got the nerve to leave him. When our counselor explained that this was how he was, my challenge was to either accept him and the situation, knowing my life would be a one-sided give and no take, or leave. I had to understand I could not change the man (young girl mistake 101).

This comment makes so much sense!!! Thank you for saying it!!!

I think that's my friend. She's very giving!!! Long ago, even when we were young she always said to me "If it's someone I like, I don't mind letting them have what they want."

I was always the more dramatic/demanding half of the friendship and there were certain times when I would halt and ask her why she was so happy to go along with my nonsense because I would have slapped myself down long ago. She always told me she just didn't mind.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. There might be a point, a day when she starts to mind his behaviour and all the giving she needs to do.

***

@swingtime sorry I didn't get around to answering this: no abuse at all. She has lovely parents. Her mum is a strong personality but really loving. Her dad is super loving and mild mannered.

The only thing I can think of is that her dad is scatterbrained and forever getting into scrapes which she had to bail him out of. She told me that she didn't want to marry anyone so silly as it was always tiring to get him out of his scrapes. Stuff like he (her dad) would go on a tour and get lost so the tour would ring her and tell her they've lost him, he'd get stuck in the carpark gate of Ikea and swear that there was no way out, he'd lost his train tickets in Japan and get lost etc. Would go shopping and buy all the wrong things that made no sense.

She liked her husband because he was super competent. He controlled everything and was always efficient. He would grocery shop perfectly, plan all their meals, book the best travel deals, get the best deal for everything etc etc

 

[seaurchin]

I don't know if it really even matters if we define this an abusive relationship or just a very dysfunctional one. She (and her children) is definitely adversely affected too, regardless of what she says about it. But she's the only one who can change it and she won't until and unless she's ready to. Or until he goes over the edge that he seems to be teetering on and does something that they can't come back from.

I believe the line of thinking that people do things because they are getting some kind of payoff from them. Even if you or I wouldn't consider it such. Or maybe her "payoff" is just that it's easier to remain in this bad situation than to start therapy or get a trial separation or anything else that will disrupt her life significantly. After all, it takes a lot of energy to change your life and then you've got the unknown to deal with, which can be scary.

I'd think that to have a normal life she will have to leave this guy. Regardless of why, he sounds very unstable and exhausting and that's even under medical care. So I guess inertia in itself can be a payoff sometimes. ?

I'd probably give her a very honest though kindly worded reality check but tbh I wouldn't expect it to make any difference.

 

[House Cat]

Anger and lack of insight CAN be a part of depression. How was he before he was depressed? If he was generally a nice guy, then i would say it is the depression or his meds.

When I’m depressed, I fight hard to be ok for my family. I don’t tolerate cruel behavior from myself. A lesson I’ve learned the hard way is that mentally ill or not, you will reap the consequences for your actions.