How soon is too soon to get engaged?

[White Orchid]

Date: 4/21/2009 3:21:15 PM
Author: musey
My brother was with his girlfriend for 3 months before they moved in, a year before he proposed, and 2 years on their wedding day. 2 weeks before the wedding, he found out (on his own) that she had MASSIVE amounts of credit card and school debt, and had to confront her. She admitted that she''d been actively keeping a secret because she was afraid that he ''wouldn''t marry [her] if he knew.''

What a horror story! What did your brother do?

 

[princesss]

Date: 4/21/2009 6:56:26 PM
Author: White Orchid

Date: 4/21/2009 3:21:15 PM

Author: musey

My brother was with his girlfriend for 3 months before they moved in, a year before he proposed, and 2 years on their wedding day. 2 weeks before the wedding, he found out (on his own) that she had MASSIVE amounts of credit card and school debt, and had to confront her. She admitted that she''d been actively keeping a secret because she was afraid that he ''wouldn''t marry [her] if he knew.''

What a horror story! What did your brother do?

He thought it was "cute" and married her.

IIRC

 

[lulu]

Date: 4/21/2009 3:21:15 PM
Author: musey
Another couple anecdotes...

My brother was with his girlfriend for 3 months before they moved in, a year before he proposed, and 2 years on their wedding day. 2 weeks before the wedding, he found out (on his own) that she had MASSIVE amounts of credit card and school debt, and had to confront her. She admitted that she''d been actively keeping a secret because she was afraid that he ''wouldn''t marry [her] if he knew.''

My mom''s best friend met her second husband under perfect circumstances and he gelled instantly with her kids. They moved in together, everything went smoothly, and they got married about a year after meeting. After they''d combined finances, she uncovered a gambling addiction that he has, which was an instant dealbreaker to her. They divorced only 6 months after marrying. (As a funny side note, all this went down in the time between our engagement and wedding day

in the time it took us to get engaged and married, she met someone, got engaged, got married, and divorced).


I''m not necessarily sharing this to ''scare'' anyone out of fast engagements/marriage, just saying that there is a lot of ground to cover in a relationship, lots of surprises that you''d never see coming. Some things that your partner wouldn''t even think to share, that may or may not be dealbreakers to you. No one can tell you all the questions to ask or things to go through - the journey is different with every relationship. Some people can figure that stuff out very quickly OR feel that any issue is not too big for their relationship to handle, but most people need time and experience with one another.

Musey, did your brother marry her? If so, how''s it going?

 

[Callisto]

Date: 4/21/2009 3:33:33 PM
Author: Vani
Thank you all so much for your responses! They really are helpful. I think my problem is that in my other two relationships, I never really had a ''honeymoon phase'' - I know it sounds odd, but basically things were rocky to begin with and then settled down as I got ''used'' to them. So this is the first time it''s all been lovely and right from the start, so I think I''m getting ahead of myself. It''s particularly useful to be reminded that just dating is something to be enjoyed in itself, and getting engaged/married is not the only endpoint...


I think I will do my best to calm down, enjoy the relationship and then see what happens in its own time

Thanks again everyone!


ETA: but can I still play with you here while I wait to maybe become an official LIW?

I agree with what a lot of people are saying. It definitely could work out and be a wonderful forever relationship. But I know from my experience personally, I''m glad SO and I had a few big fights before ever really talking about marriage. I remember a time when I couldn''t possibly imagine what we could fight about (honeymoon phase) and now I look back and laugh. Of course we have disagreements. Everyone fights eventually, and I think it really highlights the strengths and flaws of a relationship to see how you deal with that issue. I hate fighting with him more than anything, but its in the fight aftermath, when we work out a solution and realize that whatever we''re fighting about doesn''t really matter compared to us wanting to spend our lives together that I realize how strong our relationship is.


If you''re going to spend your lives together, would another few months of dating before you get engaged really matter in the long run?

 

[Callisto]

ETA: Sorry I accidently posted twice. Haha... oops! My post was so important and thought out I wanted you all to read it twice!

 

[musey]

Date: 4/21/2009 6:56:26 PM
Author: White Orchid

Date: 4/21/2009 3:21:15 PM
Author: musey
My brother was with his girlfriend for 3 months before they moved in, a year before he proposed, and 2 years on their wedding day. 2 weeks before the wedding, he found out (on his own) that she had MASSIVE amounts of credit card and school debt, and had to confront her. She admitted that she'd been actively keeping a secret because she was afraid that he 'wouldn't marry [her] if he knew.'

What a horror story! What did your brother do?

Like princesss said, he thought it was "cute" that she was so worried about how he'd react.

He took out a "loan" from a family member (ours, not hers), paid off her debt, and married her 2 weeks later.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/21/2009 7:12:51 PM
Author: lulu
Musey, did your brother marry her? If so, how's it going?

They've been married for only about a month, and they seem happy so far. If there were any guy who could look past that, it's my brother. She's lucky to have him, IMHO.

 

[Haven]

I like Deco''s advice, via Freke--"If you have to ask, it''s too soon."

I agree with everyone who said there is no rule or answer to your question. For me, personally, I tend to move very slowly, and a few months just would not be enough time to know whether I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, at that point I''m still just trying to figure out if I want to spend another few months with someone.

Why rush? Life is in diapers, enjoy it!

Welcome to PS. And congratulations on being madly in love!

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 4/21/2009 1:57:41 PM
Author: Pushin40
My opinion is a few months is just not enough to truly get to know someone.
Not saying it won''t work out...there are no guarentees in life anyway...

It''s really your business and your decison! It doesn''t matter what anyone else thinks but you and your SO.

I wish you the best!

I have to agree.

I have been with my FI for 4 years, and for the first 3 years little suprises would always pop up about him; sometimes good, sometimes not so good. It has only been this past year that I have felt like I know him inside and out.

Everyone is different though, just do what you feel is right!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think when you know, you know. But...you really need to know. There is a lot a person can keep undercover in the first few months of dating...the honeymoon stage is known for rainbows and butterflies...real life is different.

I got engaged to my now-husband 3 months after we started dating...but, I''d met his family and he''d met mine, we''d vacationed together a couple of times, I was practically living with him, we were both very open and candid with each other about who we were, where we''d been, what our expectations were. For us and our lifestyle, it worked. However, I wouldn''t casually recommend this to anyone since it is a huge commitment.

I think it''s perfectly fine to get into the mind-frame of "this is it"...but, that marriage isn''t a race and shouldn''t be one, and getting married quickly can go either way; it can be wonderful but it can also end badly. I''d just really encourage you to be totally and completely sure.

 

[Jessie702]

I think that anything under 6 months is too soon. I only say this because you really and truly cant get to know someone that soon. Thats just me though. I have been with my So for about a year and half and HE just recetnly started dropping wedding hints, like" i cant wait to see you in a wedding gown" or "what do you think of her ring", until than i didnt really care.....but now...i am a totally, crazed, well maybe not crazed, LIW. So personally, under 6 months is too soon, but you have to do what is right for you, and your SO.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

We were married in less than a year and a half after we met in college. If we had been out of school, it might have been less time!

Our daughter is 23 and just started dating the man I think she will marry at the beginning of January. They are in love and do talk about marriage, kids, the future together. He is 4 years older and most of his good friends are already married, so he is looking for a wife, not someone to party with. I don''t know when they''ll get officially engaged, but we really like him and do not see any red flags that would make us caution her to wait. They''ve both had 3 year relationships that ended with the other person leaving them (not recently), but now they are more mature and sure of what they are looking for. So if they get engaged between 6 mos. and a year from when they met, then we''d be okay with it (they see each other everyday, but she also will not move in with someone before she gets married). I think they both knew very early that this was it!

Just keep in mind that we''ve seen people on here date for 10 years and then break up. There are also people who dated a few months, got married, and have stayed married. I think it has less to do with length of time dating than it does the personalities and level of commitment of the two people to make it work.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/21/2009 9:49:00 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think when you know, you know. But...you really need to know. There is a lot a person can keep undercover in the first few months of dating...the honeymoon stage is known for rainbows and butterflies...real life is different.

I love this quote... you have to be incredibly honest with YOURSELF when you are deciding whether you want to marry ''this guy'' or not. Are you ready to wear the consequences?

Personally, I think it takes a LIFETIME to know someone, and that you can spend a day, a month, a year or a decade sussing someone out and still not be real sure where they are coming from.

People are not books with a beginning, middle and end. They are ... well, essentially they are EXPERIENCES, and you go along for the ride.

In the end, I think motivation, and shared values are good bases for the establishment of a marriage. Let''s not forget, as another poster has mentioned, that there are huge curve balls to be expected in any life - and that''s not just getting our first grey hairs!

Parenthood is a MASSIVE change, and a challenge, it tests people''s personalities in ways they have no way of even considering before the million great moments arrive!

I can''t believe I''m saying this, but an established means of financial support can do wonders for a marriage - geez, it makes the men easier to handle so it seems! Does your man have an established career, or a plan?

When our business is going okay, my man is easy to live with. When it is difficult - well, tbh he can be a real ass.

Which is my real DH? The nice guy or the ass? Do you see what I mean about ''knowing'' someone? Personality can be fluid, according to the signals that person is responding to at the time.

In that way, a generous attitude to life can be helpful for getting the best out of someone. My husband proposed to me only a few months into our relationship - it was absolutely the right thing for me, and I felt comfortable accepting because - well, because I was already 30, I had experience with guys and felt like I ''knew what I was doing'' in the relationship department, he was a level-headed guy with his feet on the ground, we weren''t going to be charging into the bush to become reclusive artists, for example (!!).

More importantly for me in saying yes without hesitation, though: I knew him as a friend / acquaintance since I was a teenager. I could ''place'' him. His whole life had seemed one of temperance, hard work and sincerity in regards to his family. I couldn''t really know if he had developed some rotten gambling problem since then, I guess. But then, he didn''t know I had a small inheritance kept aside for a marriage gift, either!

It helped him buy his / our business!

To some extent all relationships are luck of the draw. If you are confident you are working with the finest raw materials, life is what you make it, within the environment in which you must work!

 

[sba771]

I got engaged within 6 months of knowing my FI. I feel when you know you know. For some it takes very little time, others longer. We will be engaged for a long time though due to some special circumstances. (Although maybe we are having a civil ceremony in a few months for my Visa) I do learn new things about him all the time, but half the fun is growing and learning together IMO.

 

[White Orchid]

Date: 4/21/2009 9:24:53 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/21/2009 6:56:26 PM

Author: White Orchid

Date: 4/21/2009 3:21:15 PM

Author: musey

My brother was with his girlfriend for 3 months before they moved in, a year before he proposed, and 2 years on their wedding day. 2 weeks before the wedding, he found out (on his own) that she had MASSIVE amounts of credit card and school debt, and had to confront her. She admitted that she''d been actively keeping a secret because she was afraid that he ''wouldn''t marry [her] if he knew.''

What a horror story! What did your brother do?

Like princesss said, he thought it was ''cute'' that she was so worried about how he''d react.


He took out a ''loan'' from a family member (ours, not hers), paid off her debt, and married her 2 weeks later.

Wow, what a guy! Best wishes to both of them!

 

[sweetliloldme]

Hi Vani!

I agree that most people have the "minimum time limit" in their head. But I don''t think that they''re should be a hold on love. My philosophy is when you know, you know. That means that you just know that you love someone and that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. It could be in 2 months, a year, or even five years. Every relationship is different, and so are people''s feelings. However long it takes you to realize that this is the person that you want to share EVERYTHING with until death do you part is how long is right to get engaged.

I applaud your decision of not wanting to live together before you got married. I think it only causes problems in the long run( don''t want to offend any one either.) I am in a cohabitating relationship, and like it said it only causes problems when it comes time to get married. Like you said you both have good jobs and are at a point in your life where it sounds to me like you are ready. Good Luck girl, and go for it!

 

[Vani]

Thanks again for all your input - I really appreciate your taking the time to reply and will definitely try to take it all on board. Good to be here

 

[kama_s]

I have to echo what everyone else said - only you can tell if it''s too soon for you or not. That said, since you are questioning it, it never hurts to wait.

Also, I have to ask...are you Indian?

 

[Vani]

Kama_s - yes, I am Indian! I''ve lived in the UK all my life though, but I''ve been to visit India quite a few times.

 

[jeg80]

This is my first post (hi everyone ) but I had to share something my Dad said to me about this topic a few years ago. I had just ended a 6 year relationship (was engaged for last year and a half of it and the wedding kept getting put off) and was eating dinner at my parents house. My best friend had just gotten engaged after 11 months of dating her boyfriend. I asked if that seemed quick to which my Dad replied "sometimes you just know Jen". It was one of the most touching things I had ever heard out of the retired Naval Captain''s mouth! At the time I got emotional after he said that because of my breakup, but thought I would share the advice since they have been married for 38 years

 

[kama_s]

Date: 4/22/2009 6:50:18 PM
Author: Vani
Kama_s - yes, I am Indian! I've lived in the UK all my life though, but I've been to visit India quite a few times.

Knew it!

I'm Indian as well - live in Canada and *try* visiting India every now and then - I was there this past Christmas, a good 10 years after my last visit!

Sorry for threadjacking!

 

[trillionaire]

too soon is probably when you have to ask or wonder if it is too soon.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 4/21/2009 3:27:45 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/21/2009 3:14:03 PM
Author: Pandora II
I think where you are in your lives can also make a difference. DH and I were both long past college, had been living independently for at least 10 years and so we weren''t going to be facing the kinds of stress that can result from moving from a college environment to a work environment and the huge changes that that brings.

I think the reason that that is a good example is that life is often FULL of ''huge changes.'' Whether that ends up meaning the birth of a child, injury that leads to career change OR inability to work completely, unexpected loss of money (stock market, economy, whatever), having to become a caretaker for an incapacitated relative or friend, etc. Life is full of surprises and big changes, and how one behaves under pressure like that is often completely unlike how they behave in all other circumstances.

Of course, we all can''t just wait around for some huge life changing event to have transpired before getting engaged, but it is something worth thinking about.

In some ways we were probably lucky in that when I met DH I wasn''t working and was about to have major spinal surgery and so we went through that together very early in the relationship. He was very supportive with helping me get a new job after 2.5 years not working due to illness and having been in another country for the previous 8 years. I also had no network of friends because of this so there was potentially a lot of weight going onto his shoulders.

Obviously you can never predict what life may throw at you - but there are times when it is better to take your time and I think the college/work transition is one that a lot of people find tricky. Often men find it harder - they have been built up to feel that the world is their oyster, they have been big fish in small ponds and suddenly they''re the junior in the office, doing a lot of photocopying and the 6 figure salary they''ve been imagining is looking more than a few years off.

One of my favourite anecdotes is about a work colleague... she went to a party on a Saturday night and got chatting to a nice young guy. She was 26 and he was 28. At the end of the evening he said that he''d really enjoyed meeting her, that he was going to South Africa for 3 years on the following Monday to study hyenas and would she like to marry him? So she said yes

and would he like to come for lunch and meet her parents the next day?

They were married by the end of the week and she set off for South Africa where she lived in a tent for the next 3 years. They have been very happily married for 38 years now and have 3 kids...

 

[LaraOnline]

That''s a great story, Pandora!

My father and mother were engaged inside a week, because my mother was travelling at the time they met.
they had a successful marriage, which ended only in my father''s death, but tbh I''m not sure that marrying my father was the most considered or responsible thing my mother could have done with herself.

 

[tlh]

Date: 4/21/2009 11:04:03 PM
Author: LaraOnline

Date: 4/21/2009 9:49:00 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think when you know, you know. But...you really need to know. There is a lot a person can keep undercover in the first few months of dating...the honeymoon stage is known for rainbows and butterflies...real life is different.

I love this quote... you have to be incredibly honest with YOURSELF when you are deciding whether you want to marry ''this guy'' or not. Are you ready to wear the consequences?

Personally, I think it takes a LIFETIME to know someone, and that you can spend a day, a month, a year or a decade sussing someone out and still not be real sure where they are coming from.

People are not books with a beginning, middle and end. They are ... well, essentially they are EXPERIENCES, and you go along for the ride.

In the end, I think motivation, and shared values are good bases for the establishment of a marriage. Let''s not forget, as another poster has mentioned, that there are huge curve balls to be expected in any life - and that''s not just getting our first grey hairs!

Parenthood is a MASSIVE change, and a challenge, it tests people''s personalities in ways they have no way of even considering before the million great moments arrive!

I agree. When you know, you know. And ultimately - as life happens, you''ll both change and grow - hopefully in the same direction.

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 4/24/2009 9:21:05 AM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 4/21/2009 3:27:45 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/21/2009 3:14:03 PM
Author: Pandora II
I think where you are in your lives can also make a difference. DH and I were both long past college, had been living independently for at least 10 years and so we weren''t going to be facing the kinds of stress that can result from moving from a college environment to a work environment and the huge changes that that brings.

I think the reason that that is a good example is that life is often FULL of ''huge changes.'' Whether that ends up meaning the birth of a child, injury that leads to career change OR inability to work completely, unexpected loss of money (stock market, economy, whatever), having to become a caretaker for an incapacitated relative or friend, etc. Life is full of surprises and big changes, and how one behaves under pressure like that is often completely unlike how they behave in all other circumstances.

Of course, we all can''t just wait around for some huge life changing event to have transpired before getting engaged, but it is something worth thinking about.

In some ways we were probably lucky in that when I met DH I wasn''t working and was about to have major spinal surgery and so we went through that together very early in the relationship. He was very supportive with helping me get a new job after 2.5 years not working due to illness and having been in another country for the previous 8 years. I also had no network of friends because of this so there was potentially a lot of weight going onto his shoulders.

Obviously you can never predict what life may throw at you - but there are times when it is better to take your time and I think the college/work transition is one that a lot of people find tricky. Often men find it harder - they have been built up to feel that the world is their oyster, they have been big fish in small ponds and suddenly they''re the junior in the office, doing a lot of photocopying and the 6 figure salary they''ve been imagining is looking more than a few years off.

One of my favourite anecdotes is about a work colleague... she went to a party on a Saturday night and got chatting to a nice young guy. She was 26 and he was 28. At the end of the evening he said that he''d really enjoyed meeting her, that he was going to South Africa for 3 years on the following Monday to study hyenas and would she like to marry him? So she said yes

and would he like to come for lunch and meet her parents the next day?

They were married by the end of the week and she set off for South Africa where she lived in a tent for the next 3 years. They have been very happily married for 38 years now and have 3 kids...

AWWW - goosebumps!

LOVE That story, thanks for sharing!!!

 

[blueroses]

I never used to believe that "when you know, you know" stuff. While I *thought* I knew with my ex, we were also together for over a decade (I mean--in the amount of time my ex and I were together, just as a frame of reference, Jennifer Lopez was married and divorced to two dudes, dated both P Diddy and Ben Affleck, and finally married Mark Anthony.) I used to be so skeptical of couples who'd get engaged relatively quickly, since I could only view it through the lens of my own experience. I think I was also projecting some resentment and unconscious doubt about my relationship's viability too.

Anyway....in the past I probably would have said that ANYTHING under a year is nuts, and two years is better.

Now I'm in a relationship where--for the first time, at 34 years old--I KNOW. And I know what people mean when they say you know when you know.

So....we will more than likely be engaged before we hit six months. And if we had already saved enough for the setting, we'd be engaged even sooner.


Long story boring? I think if you think it MIGHT be too soon, then it is. And I believe in NO hard-and-fast rule. My parents were engaged in six months and have been married for 41 years. My college roommate married someone she'd been with over eight years (we all thought they were perfect together) and they divorced after two.

 

[Vani]

I mean--in the amount of time my ex and I were together, just as a frame of reference, Jennifer Lopez was married and divorced to two dudes, dated both P Diddy and Ben Affleck, and finally married Mark Anthony. /QUOTE

I must say that made me laugh. No-one can accuse J Lo of inefficiency...

Thanks to everyone else who's replied - it's so useful to get all of your perspectives. Just to clarify, though, I wasn't planning to get engaged right this second or anything

- it was more of a "would I be completely crazy to consider doing it at 6-8 months, if things continue the way they are going" question, rather than asking you all to enable me to elope tomorrow

And I love all of your heartwarming stories, especially the hyena one. Man.

 

[stephinextremis]

Date: 4/21/2009 3:21:15 PM
Author: musey
Another couple anecdotes...


My brother was with his girlfriend for 3 months before they moved in, a year before he proposed, and 2 years on their wedding day. 2 weeks before the wedding, he found out (on his own) that she had MASSIVE amounts of credit card and school debt, and had to confront her. She admitted that she''d been actively keeping a secret because she was afraid that he ''wouldn''t marry [her] if he knew.''

EXACTLY why my first marriage ended. Except it was his ridiculous debt, and I didn''t discover it until we''d been married for over a year!

For the OP, Vani: I''m 27, and met my second husband (29, and I am also his second wife) on the internet. I knew I''d marry him after the first coffee/dinner date, and I TOLD him I''d marry him on the second date. Everyone who knows us thought we were crazy...

Now, we have been together for thirteen months, and married for the past two. There wasn''t even a proposal...we just went ring shopping before I took him to meet my family! But it''s been like we were married since the very beginning. Granted, we have had issues like any other couple, but we are both honest and straightforward people - AND, he is uncharacteristically open with his feelings, compared to most other men I know. We''ve both been around the block before when it comes to bad marriages, too, which helps!

I always thought my friends who had whirlwind romances were insane until it actually happened to me, FYI

Stephanie

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 4/24/2009 12:50:50 PM
Author: blueroses
I never used to believe that ''when you know, you know'' stuff. While I *thought* I knew with my ex, we were also together for over a decade (I mean--in the amount of time my ex and I were together, just as a frame of reference, Jennifer Lopez was married and divorced to two dudes, dated both P Diddy and Ben Affleck, and finally married Mark Anthony.) I used to be so skeptical of couples who''d get engaged relatively quickly, since I could only view it through the lens of my own experience. I think I was also projecting some resentment and unconscious doubt about my relationship''s viability too.

Anyway....in the past I probably would have said that ANYTHING under a year is nuts, and two years is better.

Now I''m in a relationship where--for the first time, at 34 years old--I KNOW. And I know what people mean when they say you know when you know.

So....we will more than likely be engaged before we hit six months. And if we had already saved enough for the setting, we''d be engaged even sooner.


Long story boring? I think if you think it MIGHT be too soon, then it is. And I believe in NO hard-and-fast rule. My parents were engaged in six months and have been married for 41 years. My college roommate married someone she''d been with over eight years (we all thought they were perfect together) and they divorced after two.

I love hearing this, blueroses!

When you know, you know!