How often do you and DH "fight"

[janinegirly]

Be honest, how often do you fight (on average)?

 

[metro]

DH and I are like Marie and Frank, but it''s all love

That''s just who we are and it''s never serious. We''re just both smart arses.

 

[decodelighted]

I''m a bit confused by the question. FIGHT or DISAGREEMENT? Heck ... we *disagree* 10+ times a day! Sometimes a dozen times during a half-hour show or while making dinner! FIGHT is a different matter. I''d be interested in tracking it. I noticed that we had a "fight" yesterday right after I watched the show BRIDEZILLAS and he''d been playing a "war" type video game. And the "fight" was about leaving blueberry juice in the sink, which stained. Obvs a petty issue really. Wonder if the show & game made us all hyped up for conflict. Hmmmmm.

 

[Sabine]

FI and I usually have enough of a disagreement at least once a week where we are genuinely angry at each other, at least for a little while...most often when we''re in the car and he''s driving, or we''re grocery shopping, or other situations when neither of us is in a good mood. But I think we''ve gotten pretty good at getting over them pretty quickly...our little spats USED to last all night!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/5/2007 6:04:01 PM
Author: decodelighted
I''m a bit confused by the question. FIGHT or DISAGREEMENT? Heck ... we *disagree* 10+ times a day! Sometimes a dozen times during a half-hour show or while making dinner! FIGHT is a different matter. I''d be interested in tracking it. I noticed that we had a ''fight'' yesterday right after I watched the show BRIDEZILLAS and he''d been playing a ''war'' type video game. And the ''fight'' was about leaving blueberry juice in the sink, which stained. Obvs a petty issue really. Wonder if the show & game made us all hyped up for conflict. Hmmmmm.

Dern ya Deco, you beat me to the question.

I agree. TGuy and I disagree on lots of things. They are usually calm discussions and resolved quickly and amicably. We argue here and there (once a month maybe?) And we may have a quarterly all out brawl. Hehehe.

I mentioned it here ages ago, but a couple of years back, I did an excel spreadsheet because I was feeling unhappy. I had a column for Happy, Sad, and Neutral, plus a column for comments. At the end of each day, I''d mark which one I''d feel. It was weird seeing empircal data (how nerdy do I sound) like that because it seemed when I was pissed, it was often....but in fact it was only about once a month that I even felt sad. It was mostly happy and some neutral. The whole project made me feel heaps better.

These days, the amount of arguments we have directly correlates to how often I can manage to bite my tongue to something stupid he''s said!

 

[Mara]

deco and tg you beat me to the same Q. we disagree all the time. but FIGHT to me is when we get REALLY upset and typically one of us leaves for a while or we don''t talk for an hour or something while we calm down. that is really rare. disagree and little smart ass comments ...umm all the time. hehe.

 

[zoebartlett]

We fight more often than I''d like. We''re getting better, though, at reminding each other not to raise our voices and remembering that at the end of the day, certain things just seem so petty. They''re not worth getting bent out of shape over. I have a hard time letting go of things so that one''s not so easy for me. We never used to fight and in fact, we''d congratulate ourselves on how well we treated each other. Then we moved in together full time (not just a few days here and there) and wow...things changed. It''s been a huge adjustment period for both of us.

 

[sumbride]

agree also on the disagreement vs. fight. We defnitely disagree a lot! Fights for us, now, are once a quarter or so. The first year we lived together, it was much more frequently. We''ve learned to give each other space, and I like to think we''ve learned to pick our battles.

 

[lyra]

In all honesty, I''m always the one to pick a fight, and it always happens once a month. I bet he''ll be happier once menopause has come and gone!

I swear I am truly unreasonable at those times, and it doesn''t even make sense to *me* when I do it.

As for disagreements, those happen all the time. We don''t have very heated discussions because we pretty much agree on things in general anyway. I guess we''re boring?

 

[pennquaker09]

We have disagreements more often than serious fights. I would have to be honest and admit that a lot of it is me and not him. I like to get my way, but I''m not one for yelling and all of that mess.

 

[larussel03]

Fi and I really very rarely disagree or fight. In my previous relationships, I felt like my bf and I fought too frequently, but in all of the 6 years FI and I have been together we''ve had maybe 2 or 3 huge fights and probably disagreed every once in a while but I can''t remember it. He''s laid back about the things I''m uptight about and vice versa, so I think that accounts for a lot of it. When we do disagree we have no qualms about stating it but we usually don''t just because if one of us feels really strongly about something, the other usually is more lax about it, if that makes sense.

Although we don''t fight, sometimes I do get b*tchy at him for no reason ... at that time of the month.

 

[isaku5]

If I had seen this question a year ago, I would have answered in all sincerity that we almost never either disagree or fight, BUT since it''s here and now, the answer is completely different.

For the first time in our married life we have been doing major renovations and redecoration to our home of 35+years . I wouldn''t have believed the disagreements escalating to fights (not physical) that we''ve had in the last 6 months.

We disagree on almost every aspect to the point where I''m a sascastic, insulting shrew and he becomes passive aggressive which irritates me even more!!!. It actually got to the point that I wanted "space". I actually enquired about the hourly rate for marriage counselling

I told him that I was finished, done and through!

.

Thankfully, there''s been a respite from the chaos for the last couple of weeks, and oddly enough, we''re getting along just fine. Of course, I''d heard the horror stories that abound tied to renos, but I never in a million years could have predicted our reaction. I thought we were immune to all that over-reaction. Sadly, not so; it brought out the worst in both of us.

Good news, we''re doing a "waterfall reno" starting upstairs and then moving down. The upstairs is now almost finished, but the downstairs beckons......

 

[Kaleigh]

We do disagree way more often than we fight. Our disagreements are usually light hearted. I deliver my reasons why he is wrong with an issue, or his thinking, they are so well thought out he doesn''t have a chance. I use humor a lot, keeps it fun. But a real fight?? Not that often. I don''t like fighting. But disagreeing can be fun, I love a good debate!!!

 

[janinegirly]

ok, let me clarify my question: I was refering to "fights" more than disagreements. To me, a disagreement is more a heated debate and difference in opinions (which is healthy!) and neither party is upset or takes it personally. A fight might be over something minor and ridiculous, but it leaves a feeling of disconnect until the couple "makes up".

i ask because my DH is very passive but I''m more passionate, and if things go astray, I start to ask questions that sometimes lead to a fight. I notice it''s about once a month, so I started to wonder..is this normal of healthy relationships? Is it hormonal? Something more? Anyway, i think it''s kind of interesting to discuss in a forum because in real life, people don''t like to admit what happens behind closed doors . Thanks for all the feedback, very interesting!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I''d have to say that my DH and I rarely fight over things. We are both stubborn, but rational at the same time so we don''t usually duke it out over petty things. Sure, we''ve had some heated arguments in the past but we''ve worked through it and managed to keep it together. We both understand that each is entitled to his/her own opinion and sometimes we have to agree to disagree. We''re guilty of going to bed angry, and sometimes it helps to sleep on something and then talk it over in the morning.

~Jess~

 

[goldfish]

We hardly ever fight. As in, maybe three times or so in 5 years. We might have a few minor disagreements, but we don''t raise our voices, and we work it out quickly.


I grew up in a family that comes from very diverse backgrounds. Also, both my parents are philosophers. So maybe that helps with communication...

 

[Independent Gal]

Just before we got engaged, I read a book about marriage that someone on here recommended to me - I think it was Monarch. It was really interesting, because it was based on data from a HUGE study of something like 2000 couples which suggested that having heated arguments / fights actually was no more dangerous for a relationship than talking things out in marriage-counselor-ese - as in 'When you do X, it makes me feel Y'. Apparently, couples who had huge shouting matches still had marriages juuuuust as happy so long as the structure of their fight was this:

A: I'm REALLY PISSED BECAUSE OF X!!!!
B: Well, that just shows that you totally don't get Y!!!!!!
{A throws a plate}
A: Oh yeah? Well it's X!!! Because of all THESE reasons!
B: Oh YEAH!!!??? Well it's Y because of all THESE reasons

{Each person has expressed their perspective, albeit at high volume}

A: Well I see what you mean, but I'm still SO PISSED!
B: Well I see what YOU mean, but I'm SO PISSED TOO

{Acknowledging the other person's perspective}

A: So what are we going to DO about it?

{Constructive solution seeking, even if they are still YELLING about it.}

The point being, that as long as your fight has the structure of 1) Express your perspective 2) Acknowledge the other's perspective 3) Come to a resolution, it really doesn't matter how loud you do it. Yell, scream, shriek, throw a plate (but not AT your partner!!!), all fine!

Apparently, those couples are juuuuuust as happy as the 'Honey, could I talk with you?' mousey types like me & FI. Plus, the loud-fighting couples apparently report more, uh, fun in the sack.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/6/2007 5:10:11 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Just before we got engaged, I read a book about marriage that someone on here recommended to me - I think it was Monarch. It was really interesting, because it was based on data from a HUGE study of something like 2000 couples which suggested that having heated arguments / fights actually was no more dangerous for a relationship than talking things out in marriage-counselor-ese - as in ''When you do X, it makes me feel Y''. Apparently, couples who had huge shouting matches still had marriages juuuuust as happy so long as the structure of their fight was this:

A: I''m REALLY PISSED BECAUSE OF X!!!!
B: Well, that just shows that you totally don''t get Y!!!!!!
{A throws a plate}
A: Oh yeah? Well it''s X!!! Because of all THESE reasons!
B: Oh YEAH!!!??? Well it''s Y because of all THESE reasons

{Each person has expressed their perspective, albeit at high volume}

A: Well I see what you mean, but I''m still SO PISSED!
B: Well I see what YOU mean, but I''m SO PISSED TOO

{Acknowledging the other person''s perspective}

A: So what are we going to DO about it?

{Constructive solution seeking, even if they are still YELLING about it.}

The point being, that as long as your fight has the structure of 1) Express your perspective 2) Acknowledge the other''s perspective 3) Come to a resolution, it really doesn''t matter how loud you do it. Yell, scream, shriek, throw a plate (but not AT your partner!!!), all fine!

Apparently, those couples are juuuuuust as happy as the ''Honey, could I talk with you?'' mousey types like me & FI. Plus, the loud-fighting couples apparently report more, uh, fun in the sack.

LOL, this was me and TGuy to some degree for awhile. We''ve calmed down quite a bit. Poor boy has some anger management issues, and I''ve learned to work with it, as well as him learning to deal with it better.

At the end of the day, it''s commitment and work. Commitment and work. Work work work. Some play. Oh my, forgot how much fun play was!

Commitment and work.

Work.

Work.

Work.

 

[Beacon]

We''ve been married 7 years and together for 9 and we fight once in a blue moon. It is rare. I credit my very-easy-to-get-along-with DH for this, as I can be a pain and I know it.

However one thing we do fight on: ballroom dancing. We dance pretty seriously, with each other, in competition for the past 5+ years. We can fight like cats and dogs on the dance floor. Since we went through a couple years where we practiced 7 days a week

this meant a lot of fights. But off the floor we are just fine, fight about nothing.

In the past two years we have reduced the amount of competitions we do and so we fight much less about dancing. We must take out all our aggression on the floor. In our personal lives we fight maybe once a year and maybe a strong disagreement once a year too - we are very tranquil.

 

[onedrop]

Interesting to read that in most cases there are not a lot of fights in the above-mentioned relationships. We haven''t had a really serious fight in a couple of months, but I have to say that he get on my NERVES at least three times a day!

And I am sure he''d feel the same way. And probably at least twice a week he says or does something to really really irritate me, but never to the point of really yelling at him, though sometimes I do find myself making a sarcasting crack which he absolutely hates for me to do. However, the irritations are becoming less frequent as the days of adjusting to married life go on.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 11/6/2007 6:09:02 PM
Author: Beacon
We've been married 7 years and together for 9 and we fight once in a blue moon. It is rare. I credit my very-easy-to-get-along-with DH for this, as I can be a pain and I know it.

Beacon, wow; we are very similar! We have been together going on 11 years this coming April and we have been married 8 come April. My hubby is super easy going too! When we were first married we fought all the time and then there was calm after year 1 of marriage and it has been smooth sailing. I think we just needed to figure each other out and figure out our communication styles. I think part of the reason we get along is because he is so laid back. We do fight but it isn't often; we do disagree and we do agree that is okay to disagree! I think a lot of it is picking your battles and remembering you are in it together for the long haul so why not make the best of it!! I don't think we are perfect at all but we do work at our marriage.

Isaku, I can identify a little w/you guys regarding the remodeling; things got a little heated during that time. I was flying out of town every other week and poor guy was trying to pin me down to help make hard decisions re: flooring, cabinets, granite and appliances. Thank goodness that part is over. hehe

 

[musey]

I didn't vote since he's just FI so far, not DH

didn't wanna mess up the poll results!

We've only had three REAL fights (in 4 years together and 1.5 years living together), to the point of needing to separate and cool down. One was about an otherwise manageable issue that got blown WAY out of proportion (in the middle of a BCP switch... hmmm...), two were about more major relationship issues.

We'll disagree all the time, but FI and I are both pretty laid-back (him more so than me) so there aren't generally issues big enough that we're willing to fight over it. He is also very good at admitting when he's wrong (I'm still working on that

), so we don't generally escalate to "fight" status just due to stubbornness.

I think a couple's "fight life" is similar to their sex life... everyone's different, and as long as both parties can be happy and satisfied by it (or in spite of it!), more power to 'em!


ETA: Janine, just read your second post. It could be hormonal. FI (very gently) pointed out at one point that the only time I seem to get really upset by things is at "that time of the month." Pointing that out to me could have gone very, very badly

but he was very understanding and diplomatic about it. Ever since then I've definitely paid attention to and noticed that he's totally right. I can let things roll off the other three weeks of the month... but once Aunt Flo shows up, WATCH OUT!!

 

[asscherisme]

Way too often lately. I hate it

 

[KimberlyH]

We don''t fight very often at all. I am the one with the temper, my wonderful husband is almost always the voice of reason. The first 6 months or so of our marriage we had a few arguments, I chalked it up to the learning curve of being married and adjusting to living together. I have reigned in my temper, big time, because he is so calm, patient and always willing/wanting to talk things out and come to a solution instead of being angry at one another. We disagree fairly often, but we do so respectfully. I''ve learned a lot about perspective through our relationship.

 

[monarch64]

We always seem to have some semi-major disagreement about once a week, which involves raising our voices but we really don''t have serious "fights," I guess. When we first lived together about 5 years ago, we had some door-slamming type fights where we would just shut each other out and not talk for a bit, but we always resolved those pretty quickly. We have definitely gone to bed mad at each other more than once, but never without at least saying, "we''ll fix this in the morning," or something. We''re just one of those passionate couples and we each have strong tempers and a stubborn nature (I''m a Taurus, he''s a Leo, lol), so we butt heads a lot and both of us find it difficult to back down. We actually went to couples'' counseling twice in our 2nd year of marriage because the same issues kept popping up over and over...we did learn how to resolve those things and we were able to learn ways to work on those issues so they didn''t become serious enough to cause us to split up.

One of the reasons I fell in love with my DH and he with me was because he WAS a fighter. I needed someone who could stand up to me sometimes (I can be hardheaded, pushy, moody, and rather full of myself thinking it''s my way or the highway at times), and he needed someone who wouldn''t let him get away with the same type of behavior...we are very supportive of each other, but at the same time, we call each other on any BS that happens. I don''t think we''d have it any other way, we''ve both dated people in the past who we felt were pushovers or not strong enough to handle our personalities. It does make for a tumultuous relationship at times, but we''ve both learned how to back off and really listen to each other when things get really heated.

 

[Pandora II]

I''m in the FI category too, but we have been living together for 3 years.

I think we have had 4 disagreements in that time. If one or other of us is unhappy about something we just tend to talk it out immediately instead of bottling it up and exploding.

All 4 of our mini-fights have been because he doesn''t explain things properly.

Like a few days ago there was a Andrea Bocelli concert on TV. I flick down to the TV guide bit where it gives programme info and said that it was only his religious music not the other songs.

FI says ''Stop the recording.''

I say ''What Recording.''

He says ''Stop the recording''

This goes round about 4 times till I get really pissed off and end up screaming ''What effing recording''.

Turns out he had set the TV to record the concert but hadn''t explain that he had done this - it seems obvious, but he often records one programme and watches another or records a programme while he is watching it.

He ended up giving me that ''look'' - which drives me mad, so told him to sort out his own TV. I mean it''s not like it was so urgent or anything. I waited till I calmed down and then had another go at explaining that I am not psychic and if he wants something done he should ask nicely and explain properly not just bark orders at me.

So basically really stupid petty things - never anything big.

I''m incapable of staying angry at people I love for more than about 5 minutes, he''s the same. Other people though .... I can hold grudges for decades!

 

[Jas12]

Interesting question. In all honesty DH has ''maybe'' gotten upset with me twice in the 11+ years we have been together. I am not kidding when I say he is the most easy-going, kind-hearted, peacekeeper of a person I have ever come across! ME on the other hand--haha, I instigate all the fights. We have had probably 3 or 4 major battles that lasted a few days early in our relationship, but since living together (5 years now) we (i mean "I") just do the petty "move your crap from the bathroom floor, turn off the hockey and finish the dishes, blah blah " stuff now. We almost never fight about major issues b/c we have had so many years to talk them out before marriage, but i will bicker at poor DH on a regular basis

BTW, i do think it is healthy to argue (and i think the ''experts'' say the same thing) I know i argue less than my friends do, but i don''t think my relationship is necessarily better, it has just grown differently.

 

[Sha]

I''m recently married, and my DH and I haven''t moved in together yet, but we''ve never fought. We do disagree sometimes, but usually discuss it calmly. I think it''s because we''re both pretty laid back and easy-going, communicate well, and try to think of each other''s needs first.

My ex and I used to fight ALL the time - he had a quick temper and was very stubborn too, and that didn''t go down too well with me sometimes. I think the frequency of fighting depends a lot on the two personalities involved.

 

[Haven]

This topic is so interesting to me because a good friend of mine fights with her DH all the time, which always makes me wonder how other couples behave behind closed doors because I would never guess it by the looks of the two of them in public.

FI and I have only been together for 3.5 years, and we don''t live together, which surely will provide more fighting potential, but as of now we rarely fight. I can only remember one actual fight where we both raised our voices and got angry enough to stop the conversation and simply ignore each other overnight. And I can say this now, because FI doesn''t read PS--I totally instigated the fight.

I think it has everything to do with our personalities--FI is completely laid-back, calm, and most importantly, super rational. He just doesn''t let emotions cloud his behavior. I''m definitely more emotional than my FI, but I''m also really laid-back and I''m just not a yeller. We do a lot of talking things out, and his calm, straightforward demeanor makes it really difficult to even engage him in a battle. (I''ve never been a fighter, though--I think I''m so averse to heated arguments that I''ve just left guys in the past if they communicated that way.)

BUT--I''ll repost again after FI and I are married and have been living together for a while, perhaps the story will change.

 

[Maisie]

My husband and I used to argue constantly! About anything and everything. I used to try to make him see my point of view, while he was trying to force me to agree with his. These arguments were awful and distressing and would get very hurtful. I used to say to my sister ''I wish Gary would change, I don''t think I can live with him like this for the rest of my life''.....

Then one day it hit me. I needed to change. I needed to learn not to jump at every little comment he makes, if he is in a bad mood not to let it make me moody too. I needed to learn to stop being so stubborn and get rid of my need to win every argument.

It wasn''t easy, I have had to learn to bite my tongue and be sweet. I also had to learn when to just let something go - or, if it was very important that we sort this thing out, I had to learn new ways of negotiating. The really funny thing is, once I started to change - so did he! We hardly ever argue now. I am so much more content with my life and I really don''t think I would change him at all!