How much time to spend with the in-laws?

[D&T]

Date: 9/10/2009 4:16:21 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
TanDogMom, it is quite the shame about your in laws.

It really rubs me the wrong way when parents visit their adult children with little ones, and expect to be entertained and catered to the whole time. It''s a real shame when parents are able to help their children, but are unwilling to do so, and instead take up more of the time their children don''t have by visiting and expecting to be entertained the entire time.

Perhaps it''s just how I grew up, but it baffles me how some people have no desire to help their family. In my family, every grandparent, great-grandparent, uncle, and aunt, has had a hand in raising the family''s children. It''s been that way for generations. My sister''s children are watched every day by one of their grandparents, and on most weeks stay overnight at least once. They cook their meals, help with homework, monitor piano practice, discipline them as they see fit, and a anything else that their own parents would do. When I visit my family I cook, clean, and babysit for my sister and my BFF as much as I can squeeze in on any particular visit. I am not put upon to do any of these things, in fact I love doing them because I see that my family is benefitting from them. I suspect my mom, and my grandmother feel the same way about their contributions to raising their grandchildren, and in my grandma''s case, great-grandchildren.

When I have children, I expect my parents/in-laws to babysit during visits because they should WANT to spend time with their grandchildren. I know how my parents are, but I''m not sure how my in laws are in this regard. However, if they show that they are put upon if asked to watch my kids, you can be sure those visits will be a lot less frequent, because when you visit your family, you should act like a member of it, just MHO.

This is exactly my DH''s family we always have to entertain them, and take care of them when they visit us or even when we visit them

. The opposite happens when it is my family, they want to help raise, feed, take care of my children - their nieces and grandkids without me or DH having to ask, they just jump right in.

 

[brooklyngirl]

D&T - That really sucks. Do you/they visit often?

Just to be clear, I get that people want to have time to themselves, and enjoy their life, and they certainly should! I'm not saying not to take vacations, and do other things you enjoy, but at the same time I don't believe that you ever stop being a parent, or wanting your children to have as good a life as possible.

If having children is about "putting in your time," and you're waiting for they day when they're no longer your responsibility, why have them at all? You could have been doing all the things you love all those years, instead of raising children.

I'm not trying to offend anyone with this post, but those sorts of statements puzzle me.

 

[D&T]

Date: 9/10/2009 4:34:44 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
D&T - That really sucks. Do you/they visit often?

Just to be clear, I get that people want to have time to themselves, and enjoy their life, and they certainly should! I''m not saying not to take vacations, and do other things you enjoy, but at the same time I don''t believe that you ever stop being a parent, or wanting your children to have as good a life as possible.

If having children is about ''putting in your time,'' and you''re waiting for they day when they''re no longer your responsibility, why have them at all? You could have been doing all the things you love all those years, instead of raising children.

I''m not trying to offend anyone with this post, but those sorts of statements puzzle me.

no family where we live, they all live a state a way, but when we do visit, we know who we spend more time with

my parents, and they are not exhausting as my DH''s family is. The least amount of time we spend is with my FIL, and MIL (they are divorced) but for some reason, I can only visit for about an hour, as they suck the life out of you sometimes, even DH is aware of it.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I see what you mean. My in laws will be here in a few hours, and they''re visiting for 2 weeks *gulp*

 

[D&T]

Date: 9/10/2009 4:46:16 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
I see what you mean. My in laws will be here in a few hours, and they''re visiting for 2 weeks *gulp*

good luck - hang in there....

 

[brooklyngirl]

Thanks, lol. As long as they are polite and respectful, it'll be fine. But if they're not, (and this, of course depends on their mood) drama will befall my house. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this visit will go smoothy.

 

[gailrmv]

I feel kind of bad for griping. The in-laws were here the other day, and I put minimal effort into the visit. I fixed simple meals and I was polite but not as outgoing or as 'entertaining' as usual. I also didn't do my usual cleaning whirlwind before they arrived, because I just didn;t have time. Even though I thought they would notice and comment, DH said he thought the visit went well and that everyone had a good time. I think maybe, just maybe, their expectations are more realistic now that we see them a lot more and we have a kid. I guess I keep comparing the family we do have to the family I wish we had (where people were more easygoing and helpful all around). I guess there is no point in that and I should just focus on making the most of the family that we have. Things are definitely not perfect, and there is lots more that I didn't say, but I feel bad that I took my vent so 'public', so I probably won't write more about my situation in this thread. But, everyone please feel free to carry on the conversation; it is definitely interesting and we all need to vent about our inlaws from time to time!

Brooklyngirl, good luck with the 2 week visit! wow!

 

[zhuzhu]

I need good luck too!
My in-laws are arriving in town tomorrow night for a week. I am so not feeling excited about it. I have an unexpected assignment due at work next Monday, and need to prepare for it over the weekend. But they are expecting DH and I to accompany them to places as tour guide. I don''t know what to do.....

 

[D&T]

Date: 9/11/2009 3:17:32 AM
Author: zhuzhu
I need good luck too!
My in-laws are arriving in town tomorrow night for a week. I am so not feeling excited about it. I have an unexpected assignment due at work next Monday, and need to prepare for it over the weekend. But they are expecting DH and I to accompany them to places as tour guide. I don''t know what to do.....

AWW zhuzhu - hang in there sweetie, Let them know that you have a very important assignment due that you need to take care of and that afterwards you are all theirs (well for as much as you want

to be hanging out...) maybe your DH can be the tour guide just until you get finished with your assignment?

 

[zhuzhu]

Thanks D&T!
I am going to have to. As much as I would like to keep them entertained, I can''t be distracted with social responsibility given the importance of my Monday presentation. I hope they will understand, instead of going back home and gossip about how disappointing their DIL was.

 

[anchor31]

My in-laws are similar. They come over (often unannounced) and expect to be entertained. We also consider that seeing them once a month is often enough, but for them it''s not... But we keep to it anyway. FMIL would like me to spend the day with her on Tuesdays because she has the day off... No chance. I know she''s disappointed because I''m not the DIL she wishes she had, especially since J was always her favorite, but... She drives me crazy and I can only handle her in tiny little doses. We definitely live too close to them (15 minutes), and I''m trying to convince DH to limit the house-hunting to twice that distance (and hopefully a bit closer to my own parents, who are neither rude nor the type to suck the life out of you like DH''s parents). I would die if they came over for a week, so zhuzhu and brooklyn, you have my sympathy!

 

[zhuzhu]

Last night I offered to take my MIL and her husband out to dinner at this fancy Chinese restaurant. You know how CHinese restaurant has this pot of green tea on the table, in the middle of the table? This tea pot is equal distance to all 4 of us, for some strange reason my MIL kept on asking me "may I have more tea please?" throughout dinner. This happened AT LEAST 10 times! Each time she can just as easily pour herself tea into her cup, bu no, she HAS to have me, or my husband, do the tea pouring for her.

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

I paid the bill, and left feeling so relieved that the night was over....

 

[swimmer]

Zhu, Are they Chinese? Old school manners dictate that you cannot serve yourself tea, but I found that this factoid was very dated when working in China and felt like my Dutch exchange student friend who had been taught that in the US we ask each other "How do you do today?" in passing in the hallways. I''m just hoping it is something cultural which could be exacerbating your discomfort with one another. I hear you. With your other situation I felt, "hmmm, no, I wouldn''t care if someone videoed our place, as long as they send it to HGTV and get us some help!" but if my fil, who I really can only take in small doses were to ask to do it, I would say no just on principal, knowing he would do something odd with the info. Good luck lady!

 

[gailrmv]

Well, I have to totally eat my words from before. There HAVE been some misunderstandings with my in-laws to put it nicely. But... today I had an emergency with one of my dogs and they really put themselves out to help me, without anyone asking them. So, even though they hopefully don't know about PS and won't ever read this thread, I do feel really bad that I complained a little about them before. By their actions today, it made up for a lot of the resentment that I felt about some of the things that have happened before. Go, TDM's in-laws! (and how I hope this feeling lasts!)

 

[zhuzhu]

Hi Swimmer,
No they are not Chinese. Funny thing is, I am. I do not even follow that VERY OLD tradition..
It is already end of Monday, hopefully Sat will be here soon....(when they leave).

 

[swimmer]

He he, I knew it was old-fashioned! That is what I get for listening to an ancient British professor who hasn't been to China since pre-Mao. I was just hoping for you mil that perhaps she also heard out of date info? sidebar: he also told me not to show my feet in public (?) I know that no one cares, except to point ad laugh at how large they are. Well, good luck Zhu, at least your presentation is over? hugs...

 

[zhuzhu]

Thanks Swimmer!
Yes the presentation was over and it went well! I did not sleep a night before so I am still very tired, from having to keep them company all night after the presentation....
The week will be over soon.. I have to believe that!