Home How much research are you doing on . . .

[Haven]

marriage?

The effort thread in LIW reminded me of a question I have:

Now that you''re married, are you doing any reading up on how to have a successful marriage? I know this may sound silly, especially since this board is populated with blissfully happy newlyweds, but I really am curious.

I''ve been following Dr. John Gottman''s research on marriage for years, since he was first highlighted in a series on the Discovery channel, I believe. I just thought it was fascinating, and I started reading up on it before I was even close to being married. I''ve read some other research on marriage, but his just sticks out in my mind as the best example.

Anyway, since we were engaged DH and I have been reading up on what the research says about successful marriages. We didn''t start this because our relationship was or is in trouble, but more because a) we''re researchers by nature, b) we''re nerds by nature, c) we put a bit of stock into statistics and frankly, the statistics on marriage aren''t that great, and d) we put a lot of effort into caring for and maintaining everything else in our lives (cars, house, pets, etc) so it''s natural for us to do the same with our relationship.

It probably also doesn''t hurt that my parents divorced after 30 years of marriage, and less than two months after my own marriage. AND, my father''s parents divorced after 55 years of marriage. SO, even though I am currently a blissfully happy newlywed, I find myself reading Gottman''s books on successful marriages with my husband.

At this point we''re having a lot of fun reading them because we''re doing a lot of things right, so it''s a gratifying experience.

But, we''ve learned some really valuable lessons, and I think the act of just being conscious of the fact that we are in a marriage and that we need to pay attention to its health is, in itself, good for us.

Anyone else? It just struck me that we put hours and months (and sometimes years) into planning and preparing for our weddings, choosing our diamonds, buying our homes, so I''m curious: what are you doing or what did you do to prepare for and maintain the health of your marriage?

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Before we were married, we took Precana classes as in required by my husband's church. And a lot of that involved learning about what makes a successful marriage, and much of it would apply regardless of your religious orientations. It was about the importance of communication, talking about how we felt about finances and family, etc.

I like to read up on articles about marriage, but one of my majors in college was psychology, and they did a good job in training me to have a critical eye when it comes to research papers. And I rarely read a study which satisfies me in terms of confound controls and correct statistical analysis.

That being said, social sciences are just really hard to research in a causal way since there are so many variables you can't properly control for. And it's not like we can do a randomized trial of marriages, haha! So I still like to read the research since it often is based on solid logic and they can make interesting points, but I take it all with a grain of salt since they really only measure trends (and the data gathering is usually subject to self selection bias), not cause-effect relationships. I usually judge the validity of the paper conclusions for myself, regardless of the p-value they may have obtained.

The REAL research I do to maintain my happy marriage is asking my husband on a regular basis how the marriage is going for him

We check in with each other fairly regularly about how we're doing in the various aspects of our lives, and make sure we're both looking in the same direction for the future.

 

[Haven]

Thank you for your response, MTG. The Precana classes sound interesting. Our synagogue didn''t have anything like that, I wish they did, they sound very interesting.

As for having a critical eye, I understand. DH has a degree in psych, and I teach critical reading and analysis. We get it, no need to worry about us in that department.

Are you familiar with Gottman''s research? It''s very interesting. If nothing else, it''s different from what all the other literature says, so it makes for an interesting read whether you think it''s valid or not.

Hmmm . . . I knew "research" was the wrong word for my question, but couldn''t think of a better one when I wrote the original post.

I don''t want to spark a discussion over the relative merits of different literature or research about marriage. Instead I''m really just curious about whether other couples reflect on their relationship together, and in what way. For example, I''ll read a chapter from a book or an article and then DH and I will talk about what I read and discuss a) whether we agree, and b) what we''re doing well and what we can improve based on what we''re talking about. It''s an informal thing, more of a "Hey, this says that successful marriages are not all about communication, but instead it''s about xyz . . . " And then we discuss. We have a lot of fun doing it, and I actually learn things about DH during some of our discussions that I haven''t learned in the 5+ years that I''ve known him.

I''m just being nosy. Thanks for indulging me and sharing, if you''re interested in doing so.

 

[elrohwen]

I started doing marriage research after I was engaged and it hasn't stopped now that we're married! However, DH hasn't participated with me, so I'd like to get him involved. I was mostly waiting until I could find a really good book that we could go through together because sending him random articles online seemed way too unstructured.

But we are also researchers and huge nerds by nature (and profession) so I totally understand and agree with your sentiment, Haven!

 

[Lynnie]

Interesting topic, Haven!

I haven''t really done any ''research'' per se... as in internet/article reading.

Both DH''s parents and my parents are divorced... some have remarried, etc. His father''s been married 4 times (yikes). Tim & I are ridiculously open about discussing marriage... about how we can keep it happy and healthy, and not fall apart like our parents''. We compare & contrast our marriage to our friends'' marriages. Just the other night, we got talking about how a married couple -friends of ours- keeps secrets from each other (not little secrets, either... like, he''ll lie about who he''s hanging out with ''cause she''ll get mad). He tells DH not to tell me... DH & I tell each other EVERYTHING. Then I''m in the awkward position of whether to tell my friend or not that her hubby''s keeping secrets

I''m a nurse, and have done a lot of research via that route. I meet a ton of elderly people, and I love talking with them about their lives. So if I find out a man''s been married 62 years, I''ll ask him, "So what''s the secret?". Sometimes they''re smart-a$$es and say "Let the woman run the show!", but most times they''re really happy to be talking about how important it is to just listen sometimes, or how to never go to bed angry, and always always communicate your thoughts/troubles/feelings. It''s so refreshing to see that marriages can & do last that long...

Haven, now you''ve got me googling articles!

 

[lliang_chi]

Haven, this is a really interesting topic. I never researched good marriages at all. I guess mostly because it seems to have so many variables. But my parents are in the midst of what could possibly be a messy divorce, so it kinda leads me to think, "What happened, and how can I keep it from happening with us?" I''''m interested in checking out Gottman''s books. I feel it''s way too late for my parents, but hopefully we''ll keep things on the right track while we start our lives together.

 

[Lilac]

Very interesting topic.

I remember a couple years ago when DH and I were dating I read the book "Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus" and I also asked DH (boyfriend at the time) to read parts of it along with me. It definitely was a learning experience for both of us - it helped him understand more about me, and it helped me understand more about him.

Since we got married, I don''t think there has been anything in particular that we have researched about successful marriages, but we both absolutely make an effort to have complete open communication. In fact, just this weekend we had been having a very stressful week and we hadn''t talked much (other than an argument or two based on some underlying issues that have been bothering us the last few weeks) so Friday night DH came into our room and we sat and talked about everything bothering both of us - and we just talked it all through for about 2 hours. In the past we might have brushed it off and just tried to forget about it, but since we got married we have been making an extra effort to communicate better and discuss any issues that are bothering either one of us. My parents are divorced and I don''t want our marriage to end in that (and I''m absolutely confident that it won''t, but both of us realize we need to continually put in effort to make sure of it).

One thing that does come to mind that we did to prepare before marriage was we took a class on Family and Marriage - an actual class in college. We were in college together, and that was the one class I desperately wanted to take with him before he graduated, so we took it together his last semester. Our professor was a marriage/family therapist and I absolutely LOVED the class. We had just gotten engaged, so many of the issues were very relevant to us - it discussed meeting significant others, engagements, marriage, communication, starting a family, issues that come up in marriage relating to finances, sex, children, etc. I really felt we learned a lot from the class and from our professor in particular, and it was great that we had the opportunity to take the class TOGETHER (rather than me just coming home and telling him what I learned that day). After class we always sat down and discussed our feelings about the topics in class that day and even now we still reference things that we learned. That class was the best class I''ve taken in college, and I think it was wonderful in helping us both prepare for our marriage and learning how to better communicate with each other.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I''m also a bookworm, and hubby and I will read the same book sometimes and then talk about the characters within them. It''s always a fun discussion, and very insightful to hear how he viewed certain characters and their romantic relationships, lol.

 

[radiantquest]

I also read "Men are from Mars..." while we were dating. The biggest thing that I took from the book is how men relate to problems and how differently we do. That really helped me because instead of bugging him to tell me what he is irritated about I let him have his space and tells me in his own time. We have great communication and betting married was the best thing we did for our relationship.

 

[elrohwen]

I find it interesting that so many of you who are interested in researching this topic are children of divorced parents. My parents are still together, but not particularly happy, and I''m pretty aware of it, so I think I fall into the same camp. I think those of us who have seen a marriage fall apart might me more likely to research and try to totally divorce proof our own marriages, which is a great thing! We don''t want to make the same mistakes and are willing to seek out expert opinions on how to make it work for us.

DH''s parents were always extremely happy until his father died his last year of high school. It was very hard for the whole family (still is) but it gave DH a great opportunity to observe a very happy marriage. I think this affects his view on researching marriage because he tends to think "Why bother? We''re so happy and we''ll stay that way." I''d like to get him to think about these things more, but I guess he just sees us as different from all of those couples who divorce, while I see that many of those people started marriage just like us so it helps to be prepared and proactive.

Just an observation

 

[Haven]

El--That is an interesting observation. I suppose it''s good that we are all learning from our parents'' mistakes, right? I agree that a book is easier to read together than a bunch of random articles.

MTG--That''s really cute, that you discuss fictional romances. I love it! I wish I could get DH to do that, but he''d actually have to read some fiction first . . .

Lilac--That college course sounds great. I really think we don''t teach enough practical courses in education, and as time goes on we are actually teaching fewer home ec classes and such. I think it''s very cool that you two took that course together, that must have led to some very revealing discussions.

Liang--I''m so sorry to hear about your parents. My dad left my mom in September 2008, just six weeks after our wedding, so I''m also an adult child of divorced parents. Let me know if you ever want to vent about the difficulties that ensue, I''m here to listen if you need someone. It can be tough, I''m so sorry you may have to go through that.

Lynnie--I love that you talk with the elderly about their lives. You should take notes, you could publish a book! Seriously. I feel like elderly people are more honest and candid than any other age group, and they often seem to have done some serious reflection, as well. What a cool thing to be able to do.

SO, what resources does everyone like? I''m always looking for new books to check out of the library. I recently read Men are from Mars because DH''s brother recommended it, and I definitely thought it was interesting. I didn''t really agree with a lot of it, but it was a good read.

We''re currently reading The Seven Principles for Making Marrige Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver. It has little exercise at the end of each section, and they''ve been really good for starting discussions about things we wouldn''t otherwise discuss. We''re enjoying it.

A friend of mine is going through The Love Dare with her new husband. It''s a Christian book, but we actually have a copy (we''re not Christian) and the religious slant isn''t off-putting to us. We have yet to actually do it, though. We''ll get there.

What should we read next? (By the way, DH and I have an agreement: We read one book about marriage, and then one about training our dog. I''m serious, he''s crazy about dog ownership and doing it right, so we switch off. He''s on a big Cesar Millan kick right now.)

Thanks for sharing all this personal information, everyone. I think it''s so interesting to see what everyone does, and what goes on behind closed doors, so to speak.

 

[tlh]

I really haven''t put any research into a happy marriage, but my husband and I did have to complete a marriage readiness class before getting married by our church. One of the parts of this class was to take a 10 page essay test - seperately and to be gone over with the pastor together. It was about children, finances, religion - expected partner roles - etc. We saw eye to eye on just about everything but one question... and this one question, we just interpretted the question differently. I don''t even really remember the question.. it was something like do you think things will be easier or harder after marriage. I said harder - he said easier. I felt that as we grew and got older things would get more complicated... with the addition of children etc. He felt it would be easier because as we''d get older we''d get more experienced and able to grow together. I have to say, my husband and I do spend a lot of quality time together, and never argue. We both try to always put the other person first - but we are also pretty sheltered in many ways as we are far away from things that could complicate a marriage.
I don''t expect him to be a mind reader and vice versa. We both articulate our needs and wants from each other, and that works for us. I''m not without faults - and neither is my partner, but right now we are happy, and have been for many years. However we don''t have any of life''s complications in the way of our relationship... so really there is no excuse for us not being blissfully happy...

Great topic Haven!

 

[elrohwen]

Haven, I like the book exchange thing you guys have going on. I could definitely think of far more dog training books than marriage books at this point, haha ... Have you guys read about clicker training yet? The results are so amazing with my bunny and I only wish I had a dog to use it with consistently. One of the coolest training experiences I''ve had. My bunny comes running from across the room when he sees me pick up the clicker

I''m reading about that Gottman book on Amazon right now! I''m going to see if my local library has it because it sounds very interesting. One question: How are his opinions on marriage so different from the majority? I keep reading that his ideas are different, but none of the reviews say how they''re different. What are some of the things he recommends?

 

[elrohwen]

Haven, have you heard of Passionate Marriage by Schnarch? Someone who wrote a review of the Gottman book recommended it and the reviews look pretty good. It also seems like it''s not-your-average-marriage-book.