How much is too much?

[luckygirl333]

He just asked me about rings...what I would like...

Well, what I would LIKE is a 2 carat Daniel K Split crown (cushion version)

The $30k that would be is more $$ than I would want him to spend though.

However...I figure we could have the ring duplicated for around 10-12k...I just don''t know if it is reasonable to ask him to spend that much.

 

[decodelighted]

Have you discussed budget at all? Do you know what he makes per year & what his debt situation is? Those darn DeBeers folks say 2 months salary, but here on Pscope some have spent much less then that and some much more depending on individual financial situations.

10-12K is a VERY nice budget most places (where do you live?)

Have you checked out Diamend Scassi''s "take" on the Daniel K split crown settings. They''re doing a similar version that doesn''t need to be custom made (which could offer savings & quality control?? maybe yes, maybe no)

 

[luckygirl333]

We haven''t talked budget at all and I''m not sure how to bring it up tactfully. (Perhaps asking him him how much he was thinking of spending just isn''t tactfull at all?)

He makes about $200k, but pays $40+ to his ex.

We live in the Northeast. (Not NYC)

 

[allycat0303]

I think if you are ready to get married to someone, you should feel comfortable about talking about budget. It''s very little compared to "let''s spend the rest of your life with someone" I''m sure he has a set amount he''s willing to spend, and you know what you want. Try to meet in the middle if it''s reasonable (of course if you were demanind a 6 ct pink diamond) it would be unreasonable, and no middle ground could be found. But then it all depends on what HE thinks is reasonable, and his debt/comfort level...and not reasonable by people on this forum. Every couple has different values/priorities, so we can''t really say "this is a reasonable amount, or this isn''t a reasonable amount"

 

[Mara]

I don''t think that 10-12k is unresonable with that kind of income or lifestyle, but 30k may be a little bit much...but everyone has their own idea of what is appropriate or not. I would try to talk with him....feel him out a bit and let him know what you want and see what he thinks. You could also say by the way here is what I want but here is a replica that would be 1/2 the cost. And let him make the whole decision on his own. At least then he knows how you feel. Hard to say really without knowing more about your relationship but you should try to discuss it at least to get him an idea of what you feel. Good luck!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/30/2006 3:31:29 PM
Author: Mara
30k may be a little bit much.

Mara, I''m suprised!! The first thing I thought was ... 40K per YEAR to the ex!!!! I''d want a ring OVER 40K!! Now I think that 2ct Daniel K is COMPLETELY reasonable/doable. Whether HE''ll think so ... not sure.

And girl ... are you really worried about being "tactful"? C''mon! You''ll be PARTNERS with this guy. You''ll get all caught up in crazy, messy financial tangles. Is is just the "gift" thing that''s making you feel like you shouldn''t be too involved? Stick around here and you''ll see lots of folks teaming up w/partners on the e-ring search. If you''re really romantic about it and don''t want to be involved and he just asks "what you want" ... tell him. Let him sort out the fiances or get a less expensive version of "what you want". If he won''t share the budget or critera willingly or openly ... why should you shortchange your dreams on a hunch?

Just my 2 cents.

 

[GGLW]

If you don''t want to ask him straight out about a budget, why not just take him into the store and show him exactly what you want? If he thinks it''s too much, he will probably hint at that if not flat out say so.
You could also let him know that while you really like the Daniel K, you would be very happy with a custom made similar version of the ring. This would let him know there are options if he feels the Daniel K is out of reach.

 

[stermag]

Date: 1/30/2006 3:48:58 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/30/2006 3:31:29 PM

Author: Mara

30k may be a little bit much.

Mara, I''m suprised!! The first thing I thought was ... 40K per YEAR to the ex!!!! I''d want a ring OVER 40K!! Now I think that 2ct Daniel K is COMPLETELY reasonable/doable. Whether HE''ll think so ... not sure.

Deco,

We know nothing about what the 40k to the ex is for. Perhaps it helps support the children he fathered with her. Either way, I think it''s sillly (to say the least) to want a ring that''s over 40k JUST because his ex is getting that much annually. If anything, the fact that he has a substantial financial obligation would make me want a more modest ring, out of respect for his other financial responsibilities.

Then again, I obviously don''t know any particulars.

M

 

[Mara]

Haha Deco well you know me, if I were to spend 30k on a ring it would not be a designer brand that hogs up all the cash, it''d be on a 3.5c round solitaire or something...hee hee.

My feeling was similar to what GLW said re: this is what I''d really like, but you can do this for cheaper and it''s the same idea and look/feel. For me though it was not about the cost or if he cheaped out or anything like that but just getting something that the gal is happy with.

I also didn''t know what the 40k is to the ex but I definitely wouldn''t want a 40k ring JUST because of that! Now because I''m a size whore, maybe!!

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Your best bet is to visit a B&M together, and try different rings on. You''ll quickly figure out what his comfort level is (in terms of $$$$)

But even before that, I strongly agree that you need to have some kind of chat about budget/expectations. After all, this is the man you are going to marry. Being tactful about something like this should be thrown out the window.

Just my two cents. Good Luck!

 

[luckygirl333]

Where to start...

The $40k to his ex is (mostly) to support his children, so all is good there.

As for finances, we generally do discuss them very openly, but I doesn''t this kind of fall into the gift category?

Also, he is super romantic and sentimental, and I know that he wants me to be really happy with my ring...so I don''t want him to know that there is a ring out there that I would prefer if it is way out of his budget -- it would just make him feel bad.

Here''s the trouble:

If he''s thinking $5k, I would rather have a beautiful channel set wedding band and no e-ring at all.

If he''s thinking $10k I need to get back out there and see if I can find a ring I really like for that $$.

If he''s thinking $15k, fantastic. I can start talking to my jeweler about ordering a Daniel K setting and finding a stone I like for it (I spoke to my jeweler this afternoon, and he seems to think he can get the real deal setting for within a couple hundred dollars of what he would charge to custom make a "similar" setting, and I think I can find a stone I''d be happy with for $10-12k

If he''s thinking (much) MORE than that, I would honestly rather the $$ be spent elsewhere. (Even my jeweler says the Daniel K stones are overpriced.)

As for spending the $$ on a 3.5 carat solitaire rather than a designer''s name, I agree 100% -- in theory. It''s just that this particular setting is really the only one I''ve ever REALLY liked on my hand...lol another reason NOT to go ring shopping with him. I hate how almost all of them look on me...too big...too small...too much bling...too blah...nope...nope...nope...nope....don''t like it...I even drive my MOM crazy in a jewelry store.

Maybe I''ll just ask him what he thinks is a reasonable number -- so that I can "start" to look and see what''s out there.


Thanks for all the advice (so far)

Oh, and Deco -- I have to admit, I DO want ring to be nicer than the one his ex just got. (I know. Petty. What can I say.)

 

[Shawna13]

Hi there!
Just as everyone said... you guys just need to sit down and discuss what you feel is a reasonable budget and what he feels is a reasonable budget. You may find that the 2 numbers are similar or drastically different. You could be pleasantly surprised that maybe his budget was even higher than your proposed budget!!

We''re in quite different income brackets here... but to illustrate:
If your guy has a budget in mind, it could be based on what other people around him were spending. My guy''s friends were spending no more than
$3,000 or so on engagement rings. So when it came time for us to look... that''s about what he thought people were spending. He figured a good budget might be around that figure. I told him that what I figured a good budget was $7,000-$10,000. Now me telling me what I was expecting wasn''t saying that he HAS to spend that on me. Once we started looking at rings he could see what I liked and what I didn''t like... and could see that the stones and settings I liked were going to cost somewhere between $6,000 and $8,000 and then the focus of our shopping was diverted from cost to what I liked and wanted... so the budget became a bit more flexible. Plus... you never know what you''re going to like once you start looking..... you might even change your mind! (I did like 3 times)

Plus... you can always offer to help pay for the ring!! I offered and my guy said that he wanted it to be his purchase only, but that once it came down to buying new furniture that I could pay for some of that. I think also that by me offering to pay for part of the ring, this made my guy more willing to spend the money cause it made him see how important this was to me... and how I wasn''t just trying to blow his money or something.

I say if you want a ring that''s out of your compromised budget... try to convince him to let you pay for some of it! I hear stories of women who got rings that were not what they really really wanted cause hubby didn''t want to pay so much... but they never offer to pitch in.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/30/2006 7:31:50 PM
Author: luckygirl333
I don''t want him to know that there is a ring out there that I would prefer if it is way out of his budget -- it would just make him feel bad.

You are a very, very nice gal! Just had to say it! But .. ya might be projecting a little. You might feel that way, but guys aren''t ususally SO sensitive. Maybe yours is though?

It''s just that this particular setting is really the only one I''ve ever REALLY liked on my hand...

If he knew how much it meant to you it seems like he''d probably want you to have it. I suggest you "cop" to being really, really particular about jewelry and "confess" that there''s one ring that makes your heart stop. You can mention that it may be beyond "a practical" budget (note, "practical", not "his") right now ... but that you''d be willing to compromise other things - on the wedding maybe, honeymoon, future stuff ... in order to fufill this one wish. (I kinda did this ... and it''s true ... I''ve never really had a cherished piece of jewelry like this, am very picky, and was very specific.) If you don''t want to "cop" to the deal - maybe he should just witness your a) pickiness about jewelry and B) love of that particular ring in person. It doesn''t HAVE to be 2ct does it?

Oh, and Deco -- I have to admit, I DO want ring to be nicer than the one his ex just got. (I know. Petty. What can I say.)

Ehh, we''re only human!

My fiance was paying his ex straight up alimony - no kids. Since she''s perfectly able-bodied & left him with huge tax debt that should have been shared, maybe I''m just a wee bit resentful on this subject.

*cough* my ring''s nicer too *cough*

 

[Mara]

lucky...i think that just asking him what he has in mind is a great way to get an idea of what he is thinking! at least then you have some idea...and you can go from there!

hahah i know the 3.5 solitaire is not for everyone, i am such a size whore!! and i do agree, whatever looks best on your hand is the style and look you should go for. i tried on the daniel k asscher look on me and as much as i adore the ring in the jewelry case, it did not look right at all on my hand but i have seen it look great on others!

 

[sluke]

Ask him if he has a budget in mind? Let him know you would love to start looking to get ideas but you want to get a price range. That is what I did, and was pleasantly surprised at my budget. Money was tight but FH knew how important the ring meant to me. Regardless of the size of your budget, there are many beautiful options out there. Good luck!

 

[monarch64]

Lucky, I think you have most respectable views on your future fiance''s spending. It sounds like you have at least mapped out what you would be comfortable with and that your expectations are quite reasonable. I also think it''s admirable that you''ve sort of taken the "high road" and would prefer to make sure he doesn''t break the bank in terms of going beyond what is a comfortable budget for you both. It sounds like you have a lot of foresight in the matter and I applaud you for being levelheaded about your expectations!

Sometimes my husband gets "carried away" on expenditures like vacations, parties we host, etc. It''s kind of easy to get caught up in the moment with him, but I''m usually the one to say, let''s talk this over and make sure we can buy groceries for the next year!!! Just kidding, it''s really never come down to that, but he does have a tendency to spend with his heart, not his bank account. Doesn''t everyone?!

I think you might be able to talk to him at some point and tell him what you have in mind, as you stated above (the $5k, $10k, and $15k ideas) and let him go from there since he is very sentimental and wants your ring to be a surprise. Some men aren''t cut out for PS and making it a couples'' decision in the end. However, if he happened to find Pricescope on his own....maybe that would be a different story! I think purchasing a diamond is kind of like buying a house sometimes, if he finances anything, he probably knows he can pay it off within a reasonable amount of time and maybe he''s thinking he will have more of an income in the next year or two.

On the $40k he pays the ex: it''s like comparing apples to oranges. Just my .02. Good luck!

 

[luckygirl333]

So, last night I asked him his budget...

He said "I think maybe you should just tell me my budget." I chuckled and said, "It would really be easier for me to try and find what I want if you gave me a number." He said, "Well, you''re going to have to give me some time on that."

Sigh. It was all over the phone last night, and he was clearly exhausted from a long day, so it probably wasn''t really the best time to bring it up.

This is what my mom thinks I should do:

Go to my jeweler and pick out 4 rings:

1. My IDEAL ring. Daniel K settting, 2(+) carat center, G or better color, VS2 or better quality (best possible priced between $15-20k).
2. My I would LOVE to have this ring. Daniel K setting (or copy) 1.5-2 carat center stone, H-I color, SI1 clarity...the best I can do for around $10-15k. (preferably on the lower end of the $$ and closer to 2 carats)
3. A ring I have yet to find, but would be very happy with for under $10k. (I''ll just leave out this choice if I can''t find anything I''d be happy with, as I would truly be happier with #4 than with an e-ring I don''t really love.)
4. A fantastic wedding band for no more than $5k. ( I have a couple of options in mind here.)

Then I can just send him to talk to my jeweler. (With whom my family has been doing business for years.) And he can do whatever he is comfortable with.

What do you think?

 

[SoonIHope]

Luckygirl, I think you''re being very nice and considerate of your boyfriend, and really planning this out perfectly! I think your mom''s idea of choosing the 4 different types of rings is a great one!

BUT...I have to say that I tried on a Daniel K split crown with a 1.2ct cushion and THAT was already $23,000. So I very much doubt you''ll be able to find a 2+ ct stone with good specs for anywhere near what you are thinking. I believe they told us that the setting ALONE was something like $9,000? (This was about a year ago, I don''t remember details since we said "oh that''s way too much!" and quickly moved on.

) They also told me that it was not possible to purchase a Daniel K setting without a Daniel K stone. But, if your jeweler said he could, then I believe him! [I have a Vera Wang setting without a Vera Wang stone even though many jewelers supposedly tell customers that you can''t do that.] Also, if he was able to quote you prices in line with what you are saying, then that would be great! The Daniel K split crown really was my first ring-love, and if we''d been able to get it at prices like that we definitely would have! I just wanted to be sure you didn''t get your heart set on working out a budget of $15,000 thinking you could get a 2ct Daniel K ring, when I very much doubt that''s possible.... Another PSer won a 2ct Daniel K ring on the Amex Wishlist and it was appraised at almost $40,000 so I think that may be more like what the type of ring you''re hoping for would cost....

In any case, GOOD LUCK and I hope you get exactly what you want!

 

[luckygirl333]

Albicocca,

I know I can''t get a Daniel K ring with a Daniel K stone for anything like $15k, but my jeweler seems to think he can get the setting w/o a stone...for around $3500.

He''s also said they can "duplicate" it in white gold for $2000-2500...so even if it turns out he is mistaken about obtaining the setting sans stone, I''m sure there is still a solution to be had!

(And as you said, you''ve got that Vera Wang setting!)

 

[JDgirl]

I'm confused, I was told that Daniel K only sells complete rings, center stone and setting, that he won't sell just a setting. Is that right?

 

[allycat0303]

Well I wouldn''t personally dupilcate a setting I really like if it was 3500-4000, just because you might be disappointed with the results. I remember a girl that had a split shank made that went really badly.

If you find a setting you like just as much, split shank, no name, then go for it. I think with the 15 000 budget you can get a 1.5 carat stone with great stats and sneak in the setting too. Compromise of both worlds. I think a 2 carat with the setting too even non Daniel K might be hard to do though.

Good luck, sounds great!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/30/2006 5:54:27 PM
Author: stermag

We know nothing about what the 40k to the ex is for. Perhaps it helps support the children he fathered with her. Either way, I think it's sillly (to say the least) to want a ring that's over 40k JUST because his ex is getting that much annually. If anything, the fact that he has a substantial financial obligation would make me want a more modest ring, out of respect for his other financial responsibilities.

Then again, I obviously don't know any particulars.

M

I know I'm late in replying on this one, but I gotta say I wholeheartedly agree with this.....it's not (or it shouldn't be) a competition about who gets more.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/31/2006 4:05:49 PM
Author: luckygirl333
So, last night I asked him his budget...

He said ''I think maybe you should just tell me my budget.'' I chuckled and said, ''It would really be easier for me to try and find what I want if you gave me a number.'' He said, ''Well, you''re going to have to give me some time on that.''

Sigh. It was all over the phone last night, and he was clearly exhausted from a long day, so it probably wasn''t really the best time to bring it up.

I think you probably caught him at a bad time, as you thought. I think he''s also a bit gun-shy to set a number becuase he doesn''t want to disappoint you.

I''d do this: At a quiet, restful point (maybe the weekend?), I''d say:

"Look, I know you''d give me anything I wanted if money were no object....but the reality is that money is always part of the equation for most folks.

Let''s face it, if money were no object, I''d drive a $125K car!!!!!!!!!!.....but in the real world, I have to set a budget of what I can afford and THEN set my priorities from there. Even though the $125K car would be my ultimately DREAM car, I can easily be happy with something less.

The same premise applies to a ring. I''m asking you for a budget because I want to know what you/we can REASONABLY afford. If money were no object, I''ve seen a $30k ring that I adore....but I want to make a SMART choice as well as an emotional one. It''s YOUR gift to me......so tell me what you feel you/we can afford to put toward the ring, and I can then narrow down my preferences for you."

 

[Mara]

Date: 1/31/2006 4:05:49 PM
Author: luckygirl333
So, last night I asked him his budget...

He said ''I think maybe you should just tell me my budget.'' I chuckled and said, ''It would really be easier for me to try and find what I want if you gave me a number.'' He said, ''Well, you''re going to have to give me some time on that.''

Sigh. It was all over the phone last night, and he was clearly exhausted from a long day, so it probably wasn''t really the best time to bring it up.

This is what my mom thinks I should do:

Go to my jeweler and pick out 4 rings:

1. My IDEAL ring. Daniel K settting, 2(+) carat center, G or better color, VS2 or better quality (best possible priced between $15-20k).
2. My I would LOVE to have this ring. Daniel K setting (or copy) 1.5-2 carat center stone, H-I color, SI1 clarity...the best I can do for around $10-15k. (preferably on the lower end of the $$ and closer to 2 carats)
3. A ring I have yet to find, but would be very happy with for under $10k. (I''ll just leave out this choice if I can''t find anything I''d be happy with, as I would truly be happier with #4 than with an e-ring I don''t really love.)
4. A fantastic wedding band for no more than $5k. ( I have a couple of options in mind here.)

Then I can just send him to talk to my jeweler. (With whom my family has been doing business for years.) And he can do whatever he is comfortable with.

What do you think?

I think this is a great idea....make sure you choose various items you''d be very happy with regardless and then let him work with the jeweler. I don''t know that I''d have it be super structured because you don''t want the jeweler to hand him some list with the IDEAL RING as the $30k one, and then he may feel bad not buying you that IDEAL ring...but rather maybe present it along the lines of ''here''s the ring your girlfriend loved, but it is able to be replicated with the same style for XYZ and she said she would love it just as much''. Hard to say, delivery is important...hmm.

 

[luckygirl333]

Mara-

I just read through your "J colored stones in Platinum settings" and I must say I''m thinking that I might just be willing to drop down to a J in order to get a bigger stone...I''m going to have to go see some in person!

And you''re right, it gets tricky as far as how specific to make things with the jeweler. Sigh. We''ll be in Westchester this weekend -- maybe he''ll take me into the city for a walk through the diamond district.

 

[luckygirl333]

Well, he''s let it slip that he''s well into the process of looking for a stone. Unfortunetly, other than shape, he''s not looking for any input into that decision. (He knows I want a "big" stone, and that I would rather not have an e-ring and just a pretty w-band if I can''t have said "big" stone. The problem is, we never discussed what "big" means to me.) I showed him the setting I like, and he also likes it, so that''s a good sign, but I guess all I can really do now is wait...but it is SOOO hard. And I SOOOO want to be the one looking at 6 diamonds in a row agonizing over which is the prettiest!