Wedding How much does your FI help?

[sunnygirl]

Hi everyone!

We still have 10 months to go (which sometimes feels like a long time and sometimes feels like it is just around the corner!). Anyways, I haven''t done too much for the wedding (date, location, photog are set) but of course have thought about it a lot. One thing that worries me a little is that my fiance doesn''t seem like he wants to deal with the planning. Part of me knows it is because he thinks it is so far off and we have plenty of time. But part of me worries that he doesn''t want to deal because he is afraid or doesn''t really want to get married. I know its silly to feel that way but basically I was wondering...How much is your fiance contributing to the planning process?

 

[musey]

It's a guy thing, don't worry too much about it. I don't think that alone is an indicator of apathy or fear toward the wedding.

My FI only gets motivation to help after I give him the puppy-dog eyes!

 

[LauraSLP07]

I understand how you feel. At first I wanted FI involved in alot of the planning, but he has a lot on his plate already with work and school!

He actually told me the only thing he really wants to help plan is anything revolving around the FOOD! LOL!

FI is even excited for our menu sampling session early next year!

Besides the food part, FI isn''t very hands on. I have asked him a few times to help me choose between two things (ie: which limo, colors, etc.) and he is usually willing to give me an opinion. He basically tells me to pick whatever will make me happiest.

sunnygirl - Don''t think that your FI doesn''t want to get married just because he isn''t very involved. See if you can find something more "manly" for him to help with, like picking out the DJ and some of the dancing music for the reception.

P.S. musey - I love that picture....my FI and I call it "Puss-n-boots eyes!"

 

[Neveah]

Be careful what you wish for!!!!!!!!!!!!! My fiance (god love him) got the "job" of going to pick out tuxes. (I went with him of course....needed final approval

)
Well, he turned into a bona fide DIVA. Couldn''t "visualize" the different tuxes/ties/colors. He had Skeffington''s order all his wide varitey of choices into the store so he could physically try them all on...and extras for all the GM so he can bring his best man and see how they look together. He must have gotten bit by the bug, cuz next thing I know, hes looking through invitation books...and I caught him on www.theknot.com !!!! HA
It''s hilarious but I''m now thinking.....crap! I thought I could just pick out everything and he just nods and smiles. Now he has opinions....and don''t get me started on how he can''t wait to register. (and NO Best Buy does not have a registry!)
So, ENJOY making all of the decisions!

 

[misysu2]

Ooh sunnygirl, I agree- be VERY careful what you wish for!! My FI has decided that he wants to BAKE AND DECORATE our cake! And not just that, says, "it''s my wedding cake, so it''s going to be REALLY tall and REALLY ornate...." What about the 150 guests? "Oh I''m gonna bake their cake too..." At my parents house the day before our wedding, "Yup!!" When I ask him to really think that through, his feelings get hurt.

 

[FacetFire]

FI only has strong opinions about certain things. He care about his boutonniere, the food, the reception location, and that''s about it. I can get him to give me opinions on things like invitations to some extent (basically yay or nay), but there are also things that he couldn''t care less about...like linens and flowers and wedding cakes. I''ve had the same thought that this indicates a certain ambivalence towards getting married, but I keep reminding myself that all my friends'' husbands were similar about their weddings. Heck, sometimes I don''t even care and wish it were already done!

 

[zoebartlett]

My FI has been involved so far, although if one of us were to feel more stress, it would be me. My FI has been involved in the save the date process (and the invitations when we get to that stage). We''ve also both talked about songs we might want played, although we haven''t gotten very far with that so far. My mom and I will take care of the flowers/centerpieces. My FI will be involved in the tasting and choosing the food for the RD and the reception. He hasn''t been hands off, but I do think that most of the planning naturally falls in the bride''s lap.

 

[bee*]

I have always been the big planner in our relationship so I am in my element planning this wedding. D and I already had a venue in mind for ages so we went to it last week and he was really into asking questions and looking around. With the other things, he definitely wants his say but he doesn''t want to look through lots and lots of vendors, so what we do is that I''ll look up all of the ones that I want to or that I''ve heard about etc, and then when I''ve picked my favourites I''ll show them to him and hear what he has to say. It works out very well for us as I am definitely a bit of a control freak with planning and he doesn''t want to look through lots and lots of vendors.

 

[Independent Gal]

Honey, don''t worry. This is TOTALLY a guy thing.

Just pity me here: I get the worst of both worlds because FI doesn''t want to do anything, but he has a strong opinion about EVERYTHING when I ask him. So I finally just said "Honey, I am now DONE with my share of the planning. Here is what remains to be done. Make sure you ask me before making any final decisions. Keep me posted. Have fun!" I''ll check in on him now and then to make sure stuff is actually getting done and not in a weird shade of maroon, but I think most guys think it''s a ''girl thing'' and just don''t find it fun. Kind of like we expect them to propose, they expect us to plan the wedding.

 

[pennquaker09]

I think you'll find that some guys will help, but most will not. Nate's a doc and he is extremely busy, so even if he had wanted to help, which he didn't, he wouldn't have had time. Nate's request was that he wanted to taste the food and to make sure I had such and such kind of alcohol.

He did piss me off a few weeks ago. With my planner, we had decided where everyone was going to sit. And I visited him at work to just see if he had anything to add as I had previously told him that I would be making the seating chart. I don't know if he wasn't thinking, but he goes, "You can't sit all of my frat brothers together!" I felt like with the wives and girlfriends thrown in, it wouldn't have been a big deal, but apparently I have a bunch of closet alcoholics on my hand. Utterly pissed! If you've done a seat chart, then you'll know what I felt.

I could barely get him to Ralph Lauren to find a suit! He goes, "Just pick something." Dude, you're 6'5" don't you think you should try it on?

He probably doesn't even remember the venue . . .

Honestly, I think it can be done in ten months, but even my shindig (which isn't even legal) has taken the better part of a year. If you want a certain place to make your cake, book them. Specialty linens, an excellent florist, etc. Depending on where you live, you have to book things well in advanced.

 

[anchor31]

Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn''t... It was great to have him meet the vendors with me at first. Unfortunately, now that the vendors are booked, lately his contribution have been limited to "I don''t like this". Plus, he wants himself and his guys to wear bowties... And our smaller morning wedding does not call for bowties! Ugh. So, I agree with the others, be careful what you wish for...

 

[ladyciel]

FI and I are currently in the stage of finding our locations (ceremony down, reception to go!) and most important vendors (for us, photographer is top of the list). Before we actually went and saw any locations, it was mostly me doing the legwork and showing him places I thought we should check out. It wasn't until we physically got out the door that he suddenly jumped into action - nothing like realizing he HATED the first couple of places we looked to get his butt moving on the search. Since then he's been online almost as much as me, researching possible locations and photographers. I'm not sure how involved he'll be in the details once we get the major players booked, but I suspect he'll have an opinion on a lot of things if I give him the chance. Since he can rarely imagine/describe what he DOES want before he actually sees is, but is quick to notice things he DOESN'T want, his opinions can be quite frustrating/negative/maddening. We're already disagreeing on bridesmaid dresses, of all things.

So, definitely count your blessings. Help can be nice, but two cooks in the kitchen can also be a nightmare!

 

[sumbride]

10 months probably sounds like forever to your FI. Mine didn''t really get that it was coming soon until we were about, oh, 6 weeks out! Obviously there is a lot to be done before then! So talk to him about what is important to him and tell him you would like his help with those tasks specifically, but occasionally you will want his input on other decisions. This means you''ll probably have to do the legwork to get to a few choices for him to pick between, but it will be a lot easier than having two people deciding from a thousand choices.

My FI was in charge of the music so he had to do all communication with the dj, work on the song lists, compile music and edits for the DJ and arrange his schedule. He also went to all the tastings and picked the beer selection and picked out his own tuxes and groomsmen gifts (with a little input from me). He said he didn''t care about the flowers so that was all my decision, he only cared about the flavor of the cakes, not the design, so that was me too. He helped me pick the menu and he looked at the invitations with me.

In the end, it will be mostly your responsibility, but it''s certainly fair to ask for some help. You probably won''t get even splitting of duties, but like some of the ladies here say, "be careful what you wish for!"

 

[Pandora II]

Mine has almost zero interest.

I nearly had a heart attack when he offered to go to a wedding show out of the blue (I hadn''t even talked about it - just got some free tickets in the post), he managed to develop man-flu by the day of though, so we didn''t go.

His take is, you like doing this, I like anything you like so why do you need my input?

He said he wanted an orange/yellow colour scheme and that was that - silence since then.

 

[sunnygirl]

Thanks for all you replies!

Yeah, i have always been the planner in this relationship so i guess I shouldn''t be surprised. And I am also a bit of a control freak so even if he wanted to make decisions, I don''t know if I would let him hehe. And i know it is just the way he/guys are. He definitely thinks ten months is an eternity which, as we all know, it isnt at all. we talked about some stuff today - he is definitely like a lot of your FIs. he doesn''t necessarily do much (yet) but he certainly has a lot of opinions! Most of them things he doesn''t want, which doesn''t make it easy for me!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Sunnygirl, 10 months is still a long time, most definitely. He probably thinks that this shindig can be pulled off with a couple of months of planning If you didn''t have to do everything so far in advance, you probably could!

As some other posters have mentioned, I found it best to prioritize what''s important to both of you. I wanted to elope, so D knew when the planning began that he was going to play a big part. And he did, which I appreciated very much because I was nearly positive I was going to hate all of the planning, haha. Doing it together made it really fun, though.

We knew that the venue, food, cake and photographer were important to both of us, so he picked the venue (I loved it) and we did all the food and cake tastings--in fact we had four cake tastings despite making up our minds the first time because it was fun!! Some things were more important to him--like music and the alcohol, so I put him in charge of those things. Flowers were more important to me, so I did that one task on my own. I honestly couldn''t have cared less what he or the groomsmen wore the day of, luckily he chose a nice tux, haha.

As you guys start to get major things checked off of your list, he might realize he has more opinions than he thought My friends and I joked through the whole planning process that our usually-very-laid back, unopinionated men suddenly cared about little details.

 

[San Diego Bride]

my husband had very little involvement in our wedding planning. at first i had the same concerns that you do... is he interested in the wedding, etc. so i talked to him about it. he assured me that he didn''t really care much about the wedding itself, but he was very invested in the MARRIAGE. he also told me he trusted me to plan a wedding that was "us". it was an important conversation for us to have. in the end, i agreed to plan to wedding and he agreed that if he didn''t plan, he couldn''t complain. his total involvement was basically proposing, picking the alcohol and showing up.

 

[Munchkin]

Sunny, like you, I am a control freak.

One night, after tying dozens of perfect bows onto the STDs I had envisioned, designed, printed, put together and gotten all addresses for, I became a tantrum throwing brat. I informed DH that I was sick of his complete lack of input and if he wanted this wedding to happen, he needed to step up. Well, apparently, he was in typical guy-think mode. He knows I''m a control freak and thought (knew) that I wanted to be in charge of it all. He was waiting for me to ask for help.

We sat down and went through the list of things left to do. I delegated things I felt ok giving-over control on and he itemized things it was important that he have a say on. (I had no idea he would care about invitations!) I agreed to ask for help before reaching tantrum-throwing-brat stage in the future. Periodically we had to review the list, update delegation, add new items, etc. It worked well for us.

I also found that doing the bulk of research myself (I''m super picky!) and narrowing it down to a few choices helped immensely. He could focus for the time it took to debate a few options, and I knew I could be happy any way we decided.

Some things were very important to him (band, kilts) and he did the bulk of the research an presented choices to me.

Good luck. I do think it is a very typical guy thing. Wait until the time comes that you are planning a detail he really cares about. You may regret what you wished for! (Thinking of some battles I chose not to fight.)

 

[UCLABelle]

Mine is so helpful with everything, esp the wedding...he called our priest to arrange the premarital counseling, called the reception venue to finalize details, and even made my bridal appointment for my mom, maid of honor, aunt and I!!!! He is a gift from heaven!

 

[Elmorton]

DH helped quite a bit through the planning stages. At first, it was mostly "support" ie, "yes honey, I love your decision." But, when we were about 6 months out, he started taking more on - he booked the honeymoon, transportation, and ceremony musicians. When he really stepped up though was in the 2 or 3 weeks leading up to the wedding weekend and the weekend itself - while I was hanging out in the hottub with my girlfriends before the rehearsal, DH was running errands and setting up our ceremony site. Even the morning of our wedding, he woke up early to track down some last minute things - all while I relaxed. Also, since our parents gave us lump sums, he was put in charge of making sure all the vendors were paid and that we stayed within our budget (not my thing). Honestly, he did about as much work and planning for our wedding as I did.

But...we also didn''t have any planning help from anyone else (our parents gave us their financial support and then stepped waaaay back, basically acting disintrested in any decisions - which can be a blessing and frustrating), so his particpation was pretty crucial. I think many men assume that backing off is what the bride wants/expects - we had lots of talks early on about how our wedding was "OUR day" not "my day" (as the bridal industry often pushes) and that for a wedding to happen, it was going to take both of us working as a partnership and making decisions together. It took a TON of compromising, and there was plenty that I had to just give in to without blinking (ie, the hour of old school rap at the end of our reception).

 

[basil]

Don''t get the idea that your fiance doesn''t want to get married because he isn''t helping to plan the wedding.

My fiance doesn''t really care about most things about the wedding. He just doesn''t care what color the flowers are, what the favors are, etc., etc. He told me that he tried to make up opinions so that he would seem interested, but then he was worried that I wouldn''t do what I wanted because I was listening to his "made up" opinion! He tells me quite regularly that he can''t wait until we''re married, so I know it''s not that he doesn''t want to get married. He just doesn''t care about most aspects of the actual party itself.

 

[Haven]

FI and I have been putting in equal time planning this wedding, which amounts to very little on both our ends. (EEK!) However, when we do get closer and have to start planning the details, it will likely be all me. My FI has very little interest in the wedding details, and I don''t blame him--neither do I!