How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situation:

[sonnyjane]

I know you guys will give it to me straight.

I am attending the wedding of a friend next month. We used to be very close 10 years ago or so, but we moved away from each other and haven't really kept in contact very often since - a few "likes" on Facebook here and there but no phone calls or anything. She recently moved to my state about 3 hours away and the wedding will be here, but if it wasn't, I would probably not attend the wedding. I have only seen her twice in the last year, and I've never met her future husband. After the wedding I honestly couldn't tell you how frequently we might see each other.

I just checked her registry and everything is astronomical. $350 wine fridge, $189 toaster, four napkin rings for $36. I selected a gift that, after shipping, was $70 and felt like that was okay, but then when I looked up the etiquette online it's saying that you should spend $50-$100 on co-workers or acquaintances but $100-$150 (or more) on close friends. We aren't close now, but we USED to be. I know there was that story about the bridezilla upset about getting a cheap gift and I don't think this friend would react at all like that but if it's in really poor taste not to spend more, I'd like to add an item or two.

Thoughts? Should I just call it a day or should I up the ante? How much thought do brides REALLY give to this sort of thing? (I eloped lol...)

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

The last wedding we attended we gifted the couple $400 cash for our family of 4 person.

[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/nowadays-40k-weddings-are-the-norm.191513/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/nowadays-40k-weddings-are-the-norm.191513/[/URL]

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

The last wedding we attended we gifted the couple $400 cash for our family of 4 person.

Oh DF, let me add that I am a 29-year old that owes $60K between student loans and a car loan so $400 isn't happening.

 

[Maria D]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Call it a day, you're done. This is nothing like the cheap gift Bridezilla story where the guest gave vending machine snacks in a basket. Your friend does have expensive items on her registry, but also reasonable ones. $9 is more than I'd spend on a napkin ring but a $36 registry item is very reasonable. You went over that amount and are giving her something she wants. Done!

edited after I read your reply to DF:
29 years old with student debt? Feel free to take back the $70 item and get the napkin rings!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

The last wedding we attended we gifted the couple $400 cash for our family of 4 person.

Oh DF, let me add that I am a 29-year old that owes $60K between student loans and a car loan so $400 isn't happening.

That was for our family of 4. Both you and your husband plan on attending this wedding?

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

The last wedding we attended we gifted the couple $400 cash for our family of 4 person.

Oh DF, let me add that I am a 29-year old that owes $60K between student loans and a car loan so $400 isn't happening.

That was for our family of 4. Both you and your husband plan on attending this wedding?

Yes we are both going. He's never met her at all. The more I read online the more mad I'm getting about protocol! If I have to gift enough to cover my meal then why even invite me? Save your cash...

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Call it a day, you're done. This is nothing like the cheap gift Bridezilla story where the guest gave vending machine snacks in a basket. Your friend does have expensive items on her registry, but also reasonable ones. $9 is more than I'd spend on a napkin ring but a $36 registry item is very reasonable. You went over that amount and are giving her something she wants. Done!

edited after I read your reply to DF:
29 years old with student debt? Feel free to take back the $70 item and get the napkin rings!

Ha no I can muster the $70 iron lol, but not a ton more.

 

[Maria D]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

You do not have to "cover your meal". Who is writing this crap etiquette? Where's Haven?

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

You do not have to "cover your meal". Who is writing this crap etiquette? Where's Haven?

Haha The Knot!!! (Did I MENTION I eloped lolol?!?) Clueless on this stuff.

 

[Maria D]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Nevermind The Knot. From http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/15/fashion/weddings/15field.html?_r=0

At the end of the article:

"The most practical advice is from weddingchannel.com. Its rule of thumb is not to spend more than you can afford. “If money is an issue, try your hardest not to be impulsive when you’re out there shopping for just the right present,” the site said.

And what happened to matching the amount of the present to the price of your dinner at the wedding? In a column posted on the Web site, lifestyle.msn.com, Miss Manners answered that question.

“That this idea is widespread does not rescue it from being astonishingly vulgar and crass,” she wrote. “Etiquette recognizes no such rule, Miss Manners assures you.”

 

[madelise]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Can you opt not to go?

 

[madelise]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

This is nothing like the cheap gift Bridezilla story where the guest gave vending machine snacks in a basket.

Yes! I wouldn't worry about that specific story, either. You're not giving random junk from the dollar store

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Nevermind The Knot. From http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/15/fashion/weddings/15field.html?_r=0

At the end of the article:

"The most practical advice is from weddingchannel.com. Its rule of thumb is not to spend more than you can afford. “If money is an issue, try your hardest not to be impulsive when you’re out there shopping for just the right present,” the site said.

And what happened to matching the amount of the present to the price of your dinner at the wedding? In a column posted on the Web site, lifestyle.msn.com, Miss Manners answered that question.

“That this idea is widespread does not rescue it from being astonishingly vulgar and crass,” she wrote. “Etiquette recognizes no such rule, Miss Manners assures you.”

Cool. Then I'm sticking with that!

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Can you opt not to go?

I have already RSVP'd, and I really WOULD like to go. I'm just going to stick with my choice and try to be guilt-free

 

[madelise]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Can you opt not to go?

I have already RSVP'd, and I really WOULD like to go. I'm just going to stick with my choice and try to be guilt-free

Yes.. Most likely, you won't have a blog posted to shame you

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Can you opt not to go?

I have already RSVP'd, and I really WOULD like to go. I'm just going to stick with my choice and try to be guilt-free

Yes.. Most likely, you won't have a blog posted to shame you

But if I DO I promise to post it here and discuss it... if someone doesn't beat me to it

 

[justginger]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Definitely only give what you can afford. And honestly, if money is tight, I'd rather (as the bride) receive nothing at all. One of my friends was horrified that I was having a bridezilla moment when I complained about receiving a $12 voucher from a family of 4. $12. I wasn't trying to complain that I wanted more - I was complaining they gave anything, because if you're only ponying up $3 per person, you're not in a great financial place. That $12 made me feel yuck - I wanted to give it back because they were clearly doing it tough. I would have much rather received a heartfelt card.

We do try to cover our plates, within reason. Most weddings here are getting OUT OF CONTROL, and I don't feel responsible for covering costs that are just ridiculously unnecessary. We try to give $150 minimum, $200 if we consider the couple to be real friends (versus sorta acquaintances).

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Definitely only give what you can afford. And honestly, if money is tight, I'd rather (as the bride) receive nothing at all. One of my friends was horrified that I was having a bridezilla moment when I complained about receiving a $12 voucher from a family of 4. $12. I wasn't trying to complain that I wanted more - I was complaining they gave anything, because if you're only ponying up $3 per person, you're not in a great financial place. That $12 made me feel yuck - I wanted to give it back because they were clearly doing it tough. I would have much rather received a heartfelt card.

I think I could totally understand that. Like...you don't need $12! It's ok!

 

[JewelFreak]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

You did just fine. There is NO rule that you must spend a certain amount, and certainly not cover the cost of what you eat. Sheesh, for that, they might as well take admission fees at the freakin' door.

You gave her something she wanted & it's not easy for you to afford that much. Out of respect for a friendship that faded out, you did a graceful thing. Presents should be offerings of warmth & good wishes; anybody who gripes about their cost doesn't deserve any gifts. Go & have fun!

--- Laurie

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

I think that's fine. I can't speak from personal experience, but my friends who have had weddings seem to receive more expensive gifts from the older (more established) guests (relatives, parent's friends, etc) and the younger crowd give less expensive gifts. Personally, I would feel more uncomfortable receiving an extravagant gift from a friend who I knew had a lot of student loan debt. I would never want a friend to put a gift on credit or be strapped for cash at the end of the month just to give me a gift.

Unless your friend is using this event as a "gift grab" I'm sure that she'll be fine with whatever you get her, and most importantly, will just be happy to have you there!!! I don't think any of my friends even "kept score" of who gave what aside from the purpose of writing thank you cards!

 

[yssie]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Well... we do try to cover our plates. Yes, it's unnecessary. Yes, how much our plates cost is the happy couple's problem, not ours. Yes, it's astonishingly gauche of the happy couple to expect any such thing and would be utterly vulgar and crass to ever actually say as much. But... we do anyway, as do all of our friends and acquaintances, because that's what's commonplace in our social circles - so commonplace it might as well be an unwritten rule of etiquette.

That said I certainly wouldn't give more than I could afford! I think personal touches go a LONG way in a world of registry checkboxes and the free one-sentence "personalisation notes" they always offer with the shipping... One of my friends had just moved a couple of months before my wedding, and had just started a new job, and she gave me an eleven (eleven!!) page handwritten letter instead of the usual monetary gift. She wrote about how much she valued our friendship and how happy she was for us and that was *much* dearer to me than a $150 plate fee she couldn't really spare!

 

[texaskj]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Put your VISA away, you're done.
I don't for the life of me understand where the idea came from that you should "cover your plate." Guests should pay because the happy couple couldn't spend within their means? If that's the case, call it what it should be: potluck.

 

[PintoBean]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Add a lotto tix! hee hee hee... Apparently, one of the teachers when I was in jr. high school was a bit of a disheveled scattered (slobby) character. He was running late for a family wedding and grabbed some lotto tix as a last minute gift. Well, ding ding ding - he gifted a million dollar winner! hahaha! I think they ended up setting up trusts for all the kids in the family, and he got a new convertible.

 

[movie zombie]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

you are done.
if you want to spend more do so.
its not your problem what others think. that's on them.
your fiances are your problem.
not your problem they registered "high end".
if you only hear from this person now, well, this person is merely after a gift.
actually, you weren't obligated to send anything.
if you're attending the wedding with or without your hubby, you're still done.

 

[usnwife]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

I think your gift sounds perfect and appropriate. I think the concept of expecting guests to pay for their plates is tacky. If you are expecting your gifts to cover the costs of your wedding, you probably can't afford to get married. As a guest, how do you even find out how much your plate costs? Maybe I should stop giving gifts and cards at the wedding, and just leave a piece of paper that says send bill here?

 

[iheartscience]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Ditto the others, the gift is fine. "Covering your plate" is not the expectation where I'm from-I only ever heard of that from PS and in stories that blow up like the gift basket brouhaha.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

I totally agree with the absurdity of paying for one's plate. How much money they spend on the wedding is up to them. You are their GUEST because they want you to share in their happy day.

Anyway, a $50 gift is totally fine for someone you are no longer close to. Don't give it another thought.

 

[kenny]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Spend whatever you want.
It doesn't matter what I'd spend.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

I totally agree with the absurdity of paying for one's plate. How much money they spend on the wedding is up to them. You are their GUEST because they want you to share in their happy day.

Anyway, a $50 gift is totally fine for someone you are no longer close to. Don't give it another thought.

10 1/2 weeks until my wedding!

We don't have a registry. If it weren't horribly tacky to do so, we would have requested no gifts. We are trying to do a nice dinner reception (with brunch and wine tasting for anyone who wants to stay over with us) so that people can celebrate with us. I don't want anything from our guests except for them to relax and enjoy!


Your gift is plenty! Don't stress about it.

 

[JewelFreak]

Re: How much do you spend on a wedding gift in this situatio

Wow, TooPatient, you are an ANGEL! Didn't know they made 'em like you anymore. Hugs!

I don't for the life of me understand where the idea came from that you should "cover your plate." Guests should pay because the happy couple couldn't spend within their means? If that's the case, call it what it should be: potluck.

AMEN!

--- Laurie