How long do you wait?

[laci883]

I have lurked for some time but reading some of the stories on here I can''t help but relate. I need to vent

I''m "overcooked".

I''m 26, bf is 25, we have been together for 6 years in December. I''m losing hope, feeling discouraged, and feeling not good enough. For some reason it all took charge right around my birthday in August. I love him, he loves me, that isn''t an issue. As he put it "we are comfortable, why change that". About a 2 years ago I brought up the topic and he said "within 3 months we can start looking". That three months came and gone. Three months into our relationship we were ready to shop and run down the aisle, 5+ years later not one look and barely a mention.

I did manage to get him into a jewelry store during the holiday to upgrade my tiffany sterling silver heart "promise ring" to a very simple, very low grade diamond band from a chain store. A few days later he confessed that being there made him "scared and that it was a little too realistic". You could imagine my thoughts on that. I appreciate the honesty but that could have been held in.

I have thought of going the ultimatum route but realizing by doing so I could lose more than I would have bargained for. Right now I have an internal ultimatum/timeline going. If a good argument ensues I fear I may spit it out. I feel that it is constantly on my mind. Instead of baby fever, I have engagement fever. Everyone around me is getting engaged after 2 years or so of a relationship and here I am with a solid, loving long term relationship and nothing to show. Our friends and family are asking constantly and I can''t help but think that is only scaring him further. I''m sincerly losing hope.

I''m at a loss of what to do, how to approach, do I even continue this relationship if it doesn''t happen within my timeline. I know there are others out there. How did you manage to cope?


Thanks for letting me vent

 

[aliceinwonderland]

Hi Laci,

I don''t have any great advice to give you because I know that if I were in your shoes after that long I would be feeling exactly the same way! I feel that way after 2 years lol!

But rest assured that you are not alone!
Alice

 

[KimberlyH]

No need for ultimatums, but what about a conversation something along the lines of:

We've talked about marriage in the past, you gave me a timeframe that has long since passed and I don't feel we're moving forward. I love you and want to be with you, but I also want to be married and that doesn't seem to be an idea you're contemplating. I don't want to back you into a corner, but I feel it's time for us to discuss where we're headed. I think it would be reasonable for you to take the next (two weeks/month/whatever seems fair to you) to really think about this, about what you want and where you see us going as a couple, and then I'd like to have a conversation that involves some sort of plan for our future.

And then make him stick to it (the talking part, you can't force someone into engagement and marriage, obviously) and be prepared for whatever happens as a result. Engagement and marriage should be a joint decsion that is discussed freely between two people. You shouldn't have to tip toe, and he shouldn't need or want to hide his feelings. The only way that these things can be worked out is through talking.

I wish you lots of luck.

 

[TooPatient]

You''re not alone. Been 5 1/2 years +. Not counting 1 year + as just friends.

I feel the same way. Terrified I''ll let something slip.

I keep busy.Try to only talk about it sometimes. That way it can be a real talk and he doesn''t dismiss it as "just another one of those talks".
I gave up. Figured I better get started in school so I can get a better job and prepare to find a new place to live. Was distant. Frustrated. Angry. (thought things to myself that sound just like what you wrote). Had 2nd thoughts because I''d miss him and I really do love him.
Around and around and around.
Promised myself I wouldn''t mention marriage or the future to him. Then promised myself I would.

Anyway, here I am still. And after 5 1/2 years HE brought it up and HE suggested we start looking for a ring.

It helps to talk here with the other women who are going through it too.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/10/2009 10:18:48 PM
Author: KimberlyH
No need for ultimatums, but what about a conversation something along the lines of:

We''ve talked about marriage in the past, you gave me a timeframe that has long since passed and I don''t feel we''re moving forward. I love you and want to be with you, but I also want to be married and that doesn''t seem to be an idea you''re contemplating. I don''t want to back you into a corner, but I feel it''s time for us to discuss where we''re headed. I think it would be reasonable for you to take the next (two weeks/month/whatever seems fair to you) to really think about this, about what you want and where you see us going as a couple, and then I''d like to have a conversation that involves some sort of plan for our future.

And then make him stick to it (the talking part, you can''t force someone into engagement and marriage, obviously) and be prepared for whatever happens as a result. Engagement and marriage should be a joint decsion that is discussed freely between two people. You shouldn''t have to tip toe, and he shouldn''t need or want to hide his feelings. The only way that these things can be worked out is through talking.

I wish you lots of luck.

Great advice-ditto every word!

 

[Lozza]

I completely understand.

I have been with SO for just over 7 years - I am 27 and he is 31. We moved in together about 3.5 years ago, and I assumed that it would happen within a year or so after that (I never discussed this with him). When it finally came up, he was competely shocked - he had never even contemplated getting married.

The next 2.5 years were hard - we argued, I couldn''t understand why at 28/29 he wasn''t ready, he couldn''t understand why I wanted to get married - we''re not religious and he couldn''t see any other logical reason to do it.

Then, 2 weeks after his 30th birthday, he suddenly decided he was ready. He started saving for a ring (we were in the middle of buying a place, so had no other money spare). A year later, we are actively looking and plan to be married before the end of 2010. He''s even asked his boss for time off for the honeymoon (although he didn''t say that was what it was for!).

It''s been a long, emotional wait - many friends have gotten married and had kids that met after we did, but I''m glad I waited. I never had any doubt he was the one, and to be honest I had come to the conclusion that I would rather be de facto with him than married to someone else.

You need to think about what is important to you. Would you be happy to stay with this man forever, and have kids, without tying the knot? If you make the decision that you would, it will be easier to cope because you''re not ''waiting'' for anything. If you wouldn''t, it''s not a bad idea to have an internal timeline of when you will walk away. In my opinion, 25 is quite young, so you need to think about the possibility that he won''t be ready for a while.

Good luck!!!

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 9/10/2009 10:18:48 PM
Author: KimberlyH
No need for ultimatums, but what about a conversation something along the lines of:


We''ve talked about marriage in the past, you gave me a timeframe that has long since passed and I don''t feel we''re moving forward. I love you and want to be with you, but I also want to be married and that doesn''t seem to be an idea you''re contemplating. I don''t want to back you into a corner, but I feel it''s time for us to discuss where we''re headed. I think it would be reasonable for you to take the next (two weeks/month/whatever seems fair to you) to really think about this, about what you want and where you see us going as a couple, and then I''d like to have a conversation that involves some sort of plan for our future.


And then make him stick to it (the talking part, you can''t force someone into engagement and marriage, obviously) and be prepared for whatever happens as a result. Engagement and marriage should be a joint decsion that is discussed freely between two people. You shouldn''t have to tip toe, and he shouldn''t need or want to hide his feelings. The only way that these things can be worked out is through talking.


I wish you lots of luck.

that is exactly how you should go about it.

also remember he has every right to his feelings but you have every right to yours. He has mentioned out loud that he is feeling scared and nervous so why can''t you be allowed to let him know you are concerned and hurt that he has completely overblown his timeline. Marriage is important to you and you deserve to have everything you want. You need to at least talk to him about your feelings and worries and expectations and you need to be prepared to listen to his.

 

[laci883]

Thank you girls

I''m really at that point where I may snap but then reality sets in that I do love this person and can''t see myself with someone else. You take the good you take the bad right?

I am taking bits of advice from every single post in here. I appreciate the time spent to help me out and reassure me that it does eventually happen - timeline or not. I needed to hear other perspectives that I wasn''t alone in this resentful feeling. It''s nice to know I am not a bad person for feeling this way either.

Thank you again!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 9/11/2009 10:04:04 AM
Author: laci883
Thank you girls

I''m really at that point where I may snap but then reality sets in that I do love this person and can''t see myself with someone else. You take the good you take the bad right?

I am taking bits of advice from every single post in here. I appreciate the time spent to help me out and reassure me that it does eventually happen - timeline or not. I needed to hear other perspectives that I wasn''t alone in this resentful feeling. It''s nice to know I am not a bad person for feeling this way either.

Thank you again!

Don''t use this as justification to stay in a relationship that can''t meet your needs. I don''t say that to be harsh, I''ve been there. I loved my boyfriend very, very much. I knew I''d never find anybody quite like him, but the bottom line was that I was staying out of fear of never finding that kind of love again. It was a bad reason to stay in a stagnant relationship.

I also agree with everything KimberlyH said. A man who is mature enough for marriage will be able to talk openly about it. If he can''t talk about it, he ain''t ready!

Internal deadlines are so tricky. I had 2, I think. I didn''t make it to my second one because too much damage had been done. My self-esteem suffered. I felt resentful. I think internal deadlines are great tools for assessing the situation, but so often girls have a terrible time sticking to them.

If I were you, I would follow Kimberly''s advice and have a very open, non-confrontational, positive conversation about marriage. Also, if he is fearful of marriage, let him talk to you about his fears without getting defensive about it. The only way you can assess this sitauation for yourself is if you have as accurate of a picture as possible of what he''s thinking/feeling. I wish you tons of luck!!

 

[KimberlyH]

I really do hope you choose to discuss this with him rather than deciding that this about taking the good with the bad. Your needs are as valid as his and talking about this until you''ve come to a reasonable compromise is not demanding too much of him. It would be great practice for marriage, too, I promise!

 

[laci883]

I sincerely apologize for the mis-phrase. My "you take the good you take the bad" was more so my blah/grumpy mindset speaking - for all good things there just has to be something to come along and compromise it. This would be my bad - the waiting/not knowing what to do/him being terrified/this terrible mood I am in over this/etc. Relationship wise we are super solid minus this little (*cough*huge*cough*) issue. I have a friend going through the "I''m too scared to leave" relationship. Awful! Been there, done that, never again!

I simply need to find the right time in order to sit down and have a convo. I could very well be surprised at the outcome. Everything said in here brought me down to a bit of reality and that it is going to be ok, regardless of the end result.

You girls truly are the best Thanks again!

 

[KimberlyH]

I am so happy to hear you're going to talk to him laci. I am the non-talker in our relationship, my husband likes to put things on the table and talk them through until we reach a solution, I'd rather bury my head and stew. I have learned that, as difficult as it is for me, his way of handling any problem we face is much better than mine. It has made us so much stronger as a couple, now that I talk things through rather than stewing and hiding from conflict. I hope you guys come to a resolution that is pleasing to both of you, but if you don't know that you'll be okay either way.