How involved is your FI with wedding planning?

[SAPHIRINA]

Hi everyone,

I was curious how involved is your FI with planning the wedding? Are you happy with the amount of help/input that he/she provides?

We are about one month into planning our wedding. Or, I should really say that *I* am about one month into planning our wedding. My fiancé is very excited about being engaged and getting married this October - talks about finally being married, honeymoon, trying to have a baby, etc. But, he offers very little help with actually planning the wedding. Sure, when I ask him about various options, he offers his input, but that''s pretty much the extent of his involvement. Finding, contacting and booking vendors is all on me. Obviously all the little details is also up to me. Basically, I can easily not consult with him about anything wedding-related at all and he''ll be absolutely fine with just showing up on the day of the event.

On the one hand, I like that I can plan everything as I want it and envision it. On the other, I''m a bit frustrated sometimes that he does not offer to pitch in, especially since he knows that I get overwhelmed at times. We are having a destination wedding. Our venue is on the East coast, I live on the West coast. The 3 hour time difference is a real problem sometimes, since all our vendors are on the East coast. He is currently in the Central time zone, so for him, it''s only 1 hour time difference with all our vendors, and it would be easier if he were the one to make calls at least once in a while. I asked him, if he is willing to do that when I need his help, to which he said, "It is possible". Not, "Sure, let me know when you need my help", or something similar, but "It is possible". What is that supposed to mean anyway?

By the way, I will talk to him about this, I would just like to hear how other couples are going about planning the big event and what your take on my situation is. Would you be upset, if you were me? Or, am I overreacting?

 

[AustenNut]

Hi Saphirina,

I''m about two months into planning the wedding, and things are pretty much the same as it is for you. My fiance''s general response is, "Whatever you want," though occasionally he will feel more strongly about something. So I''m the one researching everything and making most decisions, while eliciting his input. And though I think it would be fun and/or interesting to have a groom who wanted to be more involved with the wedding, it''s not really his style. And as you mentioned, everything''s going to be pretty much how I would like it to be.

My only issue is how your fiance responded to your request for help. If you''re feeling overwhelmed and ask him for specific help (like calling around for caterers or photographers, or whatever) then the response just is not acceptable. Perhaps if you phrased your request very generally like, "I want your help in planning the wedding," then he may have thought you wanted him to become very interested in all the details, and visiting wedding blogs & websites to cull ideas, etc. Which could be why he didn''t want to commit to it. But I would definitely sit down and have a chat with him about it.

 

[stephbolt]

My FI has been pretty involved, but we haven''t been splitting the work 50/50. If I''m working on a hands-on project (whether it''s making some sort of decor or stuffing invites) he is happy to help out and even happier when I tell him what part I want his help on. I did most of the ground work researching vendors, and when I had it narrowed down to a few I would ask for his input. He did take on a few vendors by himself (DJ, officiant, string quartet) and handled most of the communcation with them.

He''s been especially good in the last week or so...I''ve been starting to lose it over all the stuff left to do, and he''s been taking more initiative and knocking things off the to-do list on his own without me even asking him about it. It helps that we have a slew of google documents with different lists of things that need to be done, people that need to be contacted, things that need to be purchased, etc. so he can look at them at any time and see where we stand. That''s been one of the most useful tools we used during the planning process.

I would be upset if I were you if you asked him "can you call caterers x, y, and z tomorrow" and he was wishy washy about it. If you asked him "can you help out and call some of the vendors sometimes" and he was wishy washy, I wouldn''t be worried. It''s hard to offer a concrete answer to an open ended request like that. Good luck!

 

[purselover]

The only thing I did was pick out my wardrobe, cake flavor, invitations and what our favor should be. DH and my mom did everything else from actually buying the invites/favors, to music, location and officiant. I must say it worked out great! I was definitely uninvolved in the whole process but DH swore he didn''t mind doing everything - yep I was pretty much the anti-bride

 

[RaiKai]

My DH really was very active in planning - honestly he did more than I did. we discussed everything together, came up with ideas together and planned what we wanted together but he put them into action.

When we first decided to get married we realized we wanted a short engagement (10 weeks). I expressed some concern due to my work schedule but DH told me not to worry - he could handle it. He had more spare time at the time And he did. He called vendors, made appointments and arranged bookings and accomodations, found flights, found paper and made invitations and thank you cards, talked to guests, etc. Heck he even found time to sew his own attire!

He liked to joke that if he could manage to navigate planes he could navigate planning a wedding in 10 weeks! And I was more than grateful that he did. I have never been a woman who had her wedding planned since she was 5! I wanted to marry DH but never have been fond of the "wedding industry"! While we had a very non traditional and unique wedding it was still something I felt more comfortable with DH taking the lead on!

So we were both very involved in the ideas together but he organized the ideas. The only thing I did all on my own was in respect to my dress and personal vows, oh, and I found the officiant too.

I was one very stress free bride! Not that DH was stressed either but you get the idea.I don''t find my experience to be the typical planning experience though.

However, I will say I can relate to your FI in that if you are having a long engagement it may be hard to get into the spirit so far ahead! And a lot of wedding details are just not interesting to me.That does not mean I am not interested in being married...it does mean I don''t care about colour themes, cake toppers and monogrammed napkins (we did not have any of these as DH was not interested in them either!).

I also think asking him specifically what areas he wants to be involved in (ie transportation, cake tasting?) so he can take the lead there and easing off on other stuff like chair covers where you can take lead may be good!

Or...get a wedding planner! If we had gone bigger scale we definitely would have hired a planner to ease the stress and workload.

 

[CurlySue]

My FI is probably more involved than most. We spent a lot of time talking about what we wanted our wedding to be like, and he was the first one to whip out a spreadsheet to get our planning going. When I showed him a sample wedding planning checklist, he was amazed by how many things were on it, and as soon as he saw it, he asked me, "How do you want me to help with this?" So we went through the list and decided who would be responsible for researching vendors/ideas. While I took most things on the list, he took care of our DJ, honeymoon, rehearsal dinner, and actually got our florist (a friend of his). With virtually every decision, we''ve talked through our options and met with most vendors together.

With all that said... that''s pretty representative of our relationship. We always bounce ideas off one another before we make decisions, whether it''s about planning a trip, rehabbing rooms in the house, finances, how we want to spend the weekend, etc. So it would have been uncharacteristic of him if he was totally hands off.

I also think that the fact that we are paying for most of our wedding on our own plays a big role - we both want to feel good about how we are spending our money and about the experience we''re creating for ourselves and our family and friends. If someone else was totally footing the bill and we had less "control," I''m not sure our approach would be the same.

For what it''s worth, when we first got engaged, my FI told me that pretty much every male he knew gave him this advice: "Just know where your supposed to be, at what time, and what you need to be wearing. Then be there are the right time wearing the right thing." So... I think a lot of men just don''t feel the need to get terribly involved. Wedding planning is pretty much targeted at women, so I could see men feeling uncomfortable embracing most aspects of it.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/8/2010 9:48:06 AM
Author: CurlySue


With all that said... that's pretty representative of our relationship. We always bounce ideas off one another before we make decisions, whether it's about planning a trip, rehabbing rooms in the house, finances, how we want to spend the weekend, etc. So it would have been uncharacteristic of him if he was totally hands off.

I also think that the fact that we are paying for most of our wedding on our own plays a big role - we both want to feel good about how we are spending our money and about the experience we're creating for ourselves and our family and friends. If someone else was totally footing the bill and we had less 'control,' I'm not sure our approach would be the same.

Ditto. It would have been very odd for me to handle it all, or even for him to handle it all. That is just not how we interact together or how we make decisions together. It just would not fit for us as a couple, or as individuals. We each have our own strengths and weaknesses, and work together as a team to best enhance those strengths and balance those weaknesses. We both are creative and idea-generating, but I certainly can say his strength is organizing (he likes it too)....and that would be one of less-strong points! Hence us coming up with the ideas...and him putting them into action.

Though I think if someone else offered to "foot the bill" in exchange for their input, we would have declined the money to be honest. Not out of wanting "control" but about very much wanting our wedding to be in the spirit of us as a couple. We could have had a far more elaborate wedding with some help - but that would not have been us. We would do our budget wedding the same way again even if we had a few more bucks in the bank account!

Date: 4/8/2010 9:48:06 AM
Author: CurlySue


For what it's worth, when we first got engaged, my FI told me that pretty much every male he knew gave him this advice: 'Just know where your supposed to be, at what time, and what you need to be wearing. Then be there are the right time wearing the right thing.' So... I think a lot of men just don't feel the need to get terribly involved. Wedding planning is pretty much targeted at women, so I could see men feeling uncomfortable embracing most aspects of it.

Yes, I think this is a very common "viewpoint".

I also think there are many cases where women do sort of "exclude" their partner from the planning by being pushy with their own ideas and outright excluding their partner's idea while on the other hand complaining they are not doing enough. And this is probably where some of those viewpoints and attitudes come from. I find some of those TV shows (i.e. Rich Bride, Poor Bride) absolutely SHOCKING in this respect. Often it seems that there is absolute no consideration for how the groom feels about things that are important to him, and he ends up caving into pressure from the bride because she will emphasis it is HER day and SHE wants it this way(and her family members agree) as it is the "easier thing to do". Some of them just seem browbeaten into going with whatever the bride wants (i.e. her traditions, her cake flavor preferences) even if it means none of his are included (and if they are, it is always treated as sort of a sneaky thing that he did and she has to just rise above the situation and "allow" it). Not always, but often.

I personally see that as a sign of a real serious issue with how they relate and respect one another....but who knows how much things are played up for TV. I have seen it happen in real life too, and it is not pretty. I have seen where the "wedding" has become more important than the marriage, and each other.

ETA: In no way am I saying this is you OP! Just off on my own tangent.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/8/2010 2:41:04 AM
Author:Saphirina
Hi everyone,


I was curious how involved is your FI with planning the wedding? Are you happy with the amount of help/input that he/she provides?


We are about one month into planning our wedding. Or, I should really say that *I* am about one month into planning our wedding. My fiancé is very excited about being engaged and getting married this October - talks about finally being married, honeymoon, trying to have a baby, etc. But, he offers very little help with actually planning the wedding. Sure, when I ask him about various options, he offers his input, but that''s pretty much the extent of his involvement. Finding, contacting and booking vendors is all on me. Obviously all the little details is also up to me. Basically, I can easily not consult with him about anything wedding-related at all and he''ll be absolutely fine with just showing up on the day of the event.


On the one hand, I like that I can plan everything as I want it and envision it. On the other, I''m a bit frustrated sometimes that he does not offer to pitch in, especially since he knows that I get overwhelmed at times. We are having a destination wedding. Our venue is on the East coast, I live on the West coast. The 3 hour time difference is a real problem sometimes, since all our vendors are on the East coast. He is currently in the Central time zone, so for him, it''s only 1 hour time difference with all our vendors, and it would be easier if he were the one to make calls at least once in a while. I asked him, if he is willing to do that when I need his help, to which he said, ''It is possible''. Not, ''Sure, let me know when you need my help'', or something similar, but ''It is possible''. What is that supposed to mean anyway?


By the way, I will talk to him about this, I would just like to hear how other couples are going about planning the big event and what your take on my situation is. Would you be upset, if you were me? Or, am I overreacting?

Did you ask him what he meant by "It is possible"? Maybe he needs to know what you need before he can commit to doing it. I know that I like to know exactly what I am being asked before I say I can do it...as I will need to still find the time to do it.

It can be difficult to plan a wedding from afar. We had a destination wedding to (on the West Coast though!) and we are landlocked in the middle.

It can help to find a "contact" in the location you are doing it (i.e. someone at the venue or a wedding coordinator) who can point you in direction of vendors they have worked with in past for other weddings and so on to narrow down your choices.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Like your fiance, my fiance just wants to be married, and the wedding is not of central importance to him. There are definitely decisions in which he wants to be involved (and usually the ones I wouldn''t expect him to have an opinion on), but for the most part, he wants to do whatever will make me happy. I assigned him the job of finding a pastor because we will be getting married out of state, and he was a little slow to act for my taste, but in the end, he came through. That is just his style though. I''m the organized and detail-oriented one and need to have everything planned out in advance, and he is much more laid back. So I think our personalities are dictating our wedding planning roles. Maybe that is what is going on with you and your fiance. As long as he listens to you and tries to he help where he can, I don''t think you should be too upset. A lot of guys just aren''t that into weddings and just want to be married.

 

[Prana]

Our wedding is 51 days (eeek!) away, and I will say that FI was involved in maybe 5-10% of the planning, and that was by force

. He is very excited to get married and all that jazz, but he just doen''t care one way or the other about wedding colors, flowers, cake design, and all those other fine little details. The most he did was help pick the menu, help pick the cake flavor, and buy his suit. It has actually made it a lot easier on my part because I get to do what I want to do and without interference!

 

[winelover23]

Lemme think....wedding planning extravaganza this weekend at our destination wedding location and um...FI will be fishing. Comprende?

 

[nkarma]

He is pretty involved. I am the Project Manager and he is the Staff Assistant. I know what''s going on at all times, but he could pick up if I left the company or something.

 

[princessplease]

He''s in the "tell me where to be, what time to be there and what to wear camp" Of course, he wants to be married, but he could give a crapola less about flowers, pocketfolds and monogramed seals. I sometimes wish he was more involved, but it doesn''t bother me very much if at all. He was involved in the major decisions though (venue, ceremony site, tuxes, food and liquor [of course] and surprisingly the cake).

 

[sammyj]

My FI has had his fair share of involvement in the planning process but only because I''ve laid everything out VERY CLEARLY for him. I''ve given him a to-do list and if I''ve ever asked him to contact any vendors then I''ve also given him all of the details (e.g. head count, times, dates, etc.).

If I just asked him to call vendors for me I know he''d be overwhelmed with what to do or say, so giving him some gentle guidelines has made both of our jobs easier!

 

[elrohwen]

DH didn't really do anything for our wedding, but that's ok. Honestly, I hated planning it too, so I couldn't blame him for not wanting to do it! I'm also the natural planner/organizer of the relationship, so it's not unusual that I would do this kind of thing. He was, however, more than willing to visit places with me and discuss things. I was in charge of phonecalls and that sort of thing, but he was always right there acting at least a little interested

He did make a significant contribution to honeymoon planning. I didn't think I could do both wedding and honeymoon without going a bit crazy, so he helped me sit down and bang out the honeymoon arrangements in a week.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Mine was very involved, we did almost equal work I would say. I wanted to elope and keep it simple and he wanted the big wedding because there is bad blood with his family and he didn''t want it to seem like he was ashamed of marrying me. I agreed on the condition that he do a lot of the work. Overall, I did the reaserch online like finding the vedors, he did all the calling and contacting of them and together we did all the meetings. I was working a lot when we were planning the wedding, so he also took care of none wedding things like cooking and cleaning.

 

[zoebartlett]

My husband was actually pretty involved in planning our wedding. The only thing he didn't get involved in was helping to choose my dress or our flowers.

ETA: The other thing he didn't do was write thank you cards when we returned from our honeymoon. That was all on me.

 

[SAPHIRINA]

Thank you very much for your input, everyone! A few more details on how the conversation came about. I was telling him that I feel somewhat overwhelmed with my job and planning our East coast wedding from the West coast. He asked, if there''s anything he can do to make it less stressful for me, to which I replied that it would help, if he called a few vendors that I had problems contacting due to time difference and scheduling. I also said that I will try contacting them myself, but if I am not successful, would he be wiling to do that (his 1 hours time difference with East coast would make it easier, I think). That''s when he replied that "it''s possible".

AustenNut: I will talk to him again tonight and will take your advice about being more specific. At this point, there''s one vendor I''d like him to contact and get general information from (availability and cost). I will give him the contact information and be very specific about what I need him to do.

stephb0lt: You seem to be saying the same thing AustenNut pointed out - be specific. I wasn''t very specific during yesterday''s conversation because all I really wanted to hear is him say that he''ll help me, if I need his help. Wasn''t looking for him to commit to anything just yet, that''s why I was upset at his reply. I see now that he may just needed more specific information, not that he wasn''t willing to help.

purselover: I am glad the planning arrangement worked out so well for you!

RaiKai: You and your DH sound very much like my FI and I when it comes to communication and making decisions together. Wedding planning is a somewhat different story because we are currently long distance, he is finishing up his graduate degree, and, since our cultural backgrounds are different, he wants our wedding to reflect my traditions more so than his (he is not too fond of his). In light of this, I am more than happy to take on most of the planning and legwork. He''s working on finishing up his thesis and so far, I have not burdened him with any wedding issues at all. I asked his input on major things (food, alcohol, venue), but ultimately I was the one who decided on the venue and I will be the one to make final food decisions, as I will be going to the tasting without him. I just felt that he could have responded with more than "it''s possible" when I asked him about the possibility of making a phone call or two.

Oh, and I don''t really care about chair covers, napkins or specific color themes myself

. As far as a wedding planner, we don''t really need one. My mother lives in the city where we will be having our wedding, so she is the one whom I ask to do me favors locally.

CurlySue: We are paying for the wedding ourselves as well. While it would be nice, if our families helped a little, I am glad that all the decisions are up to us. I do consult with my mother because she has wonderful ideas and I value her opinions.

monkeyprincess: I would say that my FI does want a nice wedding (we discussed eloping, and he didn''t like the idea), but he is just not keen on all the planning involved. He said numerous times that he appreciates everything that I am doing to plan our wedding, so at least he acknowledges that it takes work!

girlfact: I actually don''t much care about little details myself! Major things, like food, music and a good photographer are what''s important to me. Everything else I''d like to be nice as well, but if I don''t get a specific cake topper or flowers, I won''t be too upset about it.

winelover23:

Good luck with the planning extravaganza!

nkarma:: Looks like you and your FI have a nice arrangement going! If I were to leave the company, it''s safe to say that the whole production would collapse.

princessplease: I am going to start looking at bakeries for our cake on my next trip to our wedding destination. It wouldn''t surprise me, if my FI will want to be involved with the cake - he has a major sweet tooth!

sammyj: Giving him a clear to-do list sounds like a great idea! I''m going to try that.

elrohwen: I am guessing FI will want to be a major part of planning the honeymoon, once we get that far

brazen_irish_hussy: Sounds like your DH helped out a lot. My FI can try to cook, if needed, but cleaning he doesn''t like

ZoeBartlett: Surprisingly, FI showed a lot of interest in wedding dress styles. I told him right away, though, that I''m not going to let him see the dress before the big day. I get superstitious sometimes

 

[caribqueen]

Date: 4/8/2010 2:05:38 PM
Author: princessplease
He''s in the ''tell me where to be, what time to be there and what to wear camp'' Of course, he wants to be married, but he could give a crapola less about flowers, pocketfolds and monogramed seals. I sometimes wish he was more involved, but it doesn''t bother me very much if at all. He was involved in the major decisions though (venue, ceremony site, tuxes, food and liquor [of course] and surprisingly the cake).

This about sums up my FI and I except that I picked the cake flavor. But that''s mainly because I''m the one who loves to bake and eat it. He could care less about sweets in general. I run big decisions by him and little ideas to get his input.

It doesn''t bother me at all. As long as he''s not opposed to discussing things (which sometimes he has a short-attention span for wedding talk) and will give me his opinion when asked, then fine. I''ve got a concept in my head for the day and so we''re going with my vision.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/8/2010 7:34:07 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
My husband was actually pretty involved in planning our wedding. The only thing he didn''t get involved in was helping to choose my dress or our flowers.



ETA: The other thing he didn''t do was write thank you cards when we returned from our honeymoon. That was all on me.

Ha I decided to start writing thank yous a week after our wedding and get it done...sat down at table to do it..and DH said he felt left out so I handed the cards to him and read him the list of names and gifts as he filled them out.

He was happy..and I was happy not having to write out the cards (there was less than 15 to do or so but still!). Win win. He has much better writing than I anyway!

 

[SAPHIRINA]

Just a quick update. I talked to FI tonight and asked him if he would contact one of the vendors - gave him contact information and specific list of questions he''d have to ask. He said he''d do it. So, to everyone who suggested being more specific, you were right! He didn''t hesitate and didn''t seem to be reluctant to make the call. All is well in the world again

 

[havernell]

Date: 4/9/2010 3:20:44 AM
Author: Saphirina
Just a quick update. I talked to FI tonight and asked him if he would contact one of the vendors - gave him contact information and specific list of questions he''d have to ask. He said he''d do it. So, to everyone who suggested being more specific, you were right! He didn''t hesitate and didn''t seem to be reluctant to make the call. All is well in the world again

Excellent! I''m glad to hear that you are working as a team now.

I also wanted to say that, for us, we found that I was good at some things and my FI was good at others in terms of wedding planning tasks. For example, I was better at doing research on vendors, but he was much better at actually negotiating price with vendors. So, it was more work for me up front, but then more work for him later on, if that makes sense. Also, we split tasks based on interest- he took care of the alcohol since he knows more than I do about that and I took care of the flowers since I know more than him about those. So, you too may find that your respective strengths shine through at different times/ on different tasks during the planning.