Home How important is getting along with ILs?

[elleaney]

I''m hoping I can call on the collective wisdom here in regards to my situation. I''m engaged to a great guy. He is loving, loyal, honest, trustworthy and an incredible support system to me. Our only problems stem from our interaction with his parents...

FFIL doesn’t have an understanding of appropriate boundaries with women. He makes comments about the way that I look, blatantly stares and hugs me in a way that makes me uncomfortable. My mother who has met him several times also feels uncomfortable around him for similar reasons. He also has a very serious anger problem, and routinely will verbally berate his wife, my FI’s Mother in front of company, family, really all the time. FIL treats FI like a child and attempts to belittle and embarrass him in front of others. 

MIL is a gossip and constantly asks me very personal questions. On several occasions she has shared personal information about me that I have asked her to keep private with her friends and acquaintances. She doesn’t have appropriate boundaries with my FI either, she attempts to baby him and calls him several times a day. She will throw fits if she doesn’t get her away (i.e. we would like to have dinner with them in our town instead of theirs, which is a 5 mile difference), and these include crying and other manipulative tactics over the phone with my FI until we agree.

Aside from my personal problems with them, I also completely disagree with the way that they raised their son. He came into our relationship with admittedly no knowledge of how to maintain a healthy relationship, and has a lot of residual dysfunctional tendencies that he has to continue to work on. He was never taught to apologize when he has hurt someone''s feelings. His parents essentially taught him to brush any and all conflicts under the rug and pretend that they never happened. Luckily he has learned on his own in his adulthood relationships.

The main problem here is that while FI acknowledges that all of the above is true, he has no problem continuing to maintain a close relationship with them. He also becomes defensive and upset any time I mention anything about his parents, no matter how harmless the comment.

Does anyone have any experience with this type of situation? Do we have any hope of a successful marriage considering the way I feel towards his parents? I can handle seeing them a few times a year, but I would like to establish some major boundaries, and he doesn’t seem to recognize that there is a problem. He does admit that they "are not perfect." This will be an even bigger issue when we have children.

Thoughts? Thanks for reading..

 

[TravelingGal]

Well, considering that I just tearfully said goodbye to my inlaws about 2 hours ago and my husband is at the airport with them as they are departing for Sydney...

IMHO it is absolutely important...IF your husband-to-be does have a relationship with them.

I only see my ILs once a year for about 2-3 weeks. Even though they are wonderful, wonderful people, my MIL has the potential to drive me to a big case of grumpy because she does tend to chatter a lot. There''s nothing wrong with that and she is the type of person who sees the good in everyone. It''s ME who is the problem and because I don''t like to talk to people all the time, I get a bit cranky sometimes with my MIL. And she''s not even doing something terrible!

I was just thinking tonight how lucky I am to have amazing ILs. In the 3 weeks they were here, they loved my daughter to bits, helped around the house (my MIL cleaned all the time and my FIL did a lot of home improvements with my husband), and were very respectful of me. If I had issues with them, 3 weeks would have seemed like an eternity and I most likely would have blown up at some point, causing friction with my husband. I could only imagine what it''s like with ILs you don''t like who live nearby.

Your fiance sounds like someone who isn''t going to cut his family off very soon. I''ll also say if you have children, you can expect this to go full scale nuclear. TGuy (which is what I call my husband around here, since I can see this is your first post, and I''ll assume you aren''t a regular going incognito) and I were raised with the same morals and values. We were just discussing how this really helps us raise our child because we agree on how we should bring her up. If you don''t agree with how he was brought up, you may run into problems when it comes to childrearing because most likely he will think he was brought up fine and turned out swell (after all, he got you to agree to marry him, didn''t he?

) and will have a different opinion on how to raise your children. Never mind the meddling grandparents.

When one is young or single, it''s easy to dismiss the saying "You don''t marry the man, you marry the family." Unless the man has nothing to do with the family, this is really, REALLY true.

 

[Haven]

Welcome to PS, and congrats on your engagement, elleaney.

I think you''re wise to consider these issues before you marry, and to seek out advice. I also agree with TGal that you marry the family, not just the man.

It sounds like you have some major issues with your FI''s parents and their behavior. Knowing what I know from my short two years of marriage and the four years DH and I were together before we married, family is VERY important. If your FI isn''t willing to even consider that there are boundaries that must be drawn with his parents, then I think it''s time you make it very clear to him that this is something you''ll need to figure out before you marry.

How do you do that? I have no idea. How do you typically bring up sensitive issues to your FI, and what method is most successful?

 

[elleaney]

Tgal, thanks so much for the response. This is my first post but I have lurked for several years on and off. I generally just read and take things in, but this time I thought I''d muster the courage to post a question.

Deep down I know that a bigger issue here is whether the differences in the way we were raised will mean major discord in future childrearing. Honestly, it really scares me. We have had countless discussions about how we feel in regards to certain things and while I feel we do agree in regards to morals and values, I really wonder if that is enough. I wonder if no matter what he says he *plans* on doing with our future children, and no matter how much he promises he won''t raise our future children the way that he was raised, he will fall back on what he feels is the "norm" when we are actually in the thick of it.

I do agree that it is very important to have a positive relationship with ILs if your spouse has a relationship with them, and it really hurts that I don''t think I will be ever be able to. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and I''m not sure what I would do if my FI didn''t get along with them. I can say though that if I felt that my relationship with my parents was dysfunctional (as my FI has admitted), I would do what was best for myself and my own future children and distance myself from them in healthy ways.

 

[elleaney]

Haven, thanks much for your response.

I agree that I need to make it very clear to him that this is something we must figure out before we get married. Although I''ve brought this up in the past, I''m just not sure I''m getting through to him. I''m not sure he understands that I am serious (again, this is where his tendency to brush things under the rug comes in). When bringing up other sensitive issues he is normally quite receptive. Maybe if I try to be more sensitive to his feelings about this but be clear in that this won''t just go away, we can have a more open discussion about it.

 

[Kaleigh]

You know that saying when you marry him, you are marrying his family?? So true.

Working on family issues is huge. They will only get bigger after you say I do....And times 2 if you have kids...


Take a good hard look at things now.


I adore my IL's. Wasn't like that at first. Took some work, etc...

Your FFIL sounds very angry. Very hurtful. I wonder if he would be ameniable to changing and getting some help??

Your FMIL sounds like she's got issues as well...
Hard to know from a single post.
Biggest thing you need is to have your FI on the same page with you and some pre marital counseling will be most helpful. etc...


Congrats and welcome to PS!!!

 

[cara]

I don't think the biggest problem is with not getting along with the ILs... it is with you and your FI not being on the same page or close to the same page regarding the ILs and the appropriateness of their behavior.

Imagine if your FI admitted his father was a lecherous coot and tried to protect you from it by minimizing your exposure to him, apologizing for subjecting you to him, and speaking up on your behalf or stepping after a particular obvious grope/oogle. Or admitted to you that his father was abusive and yet he would prefer not to totally cut off contact but *would* if it was necessary to protect you and him and your kids. Or he realizes that his mother is a manipulative gossip that can't be trusted with secrets, but he has some well practiced methods for dealing with her manipulative bouts and regularly resists caving to her manipulation. That would be different, right?

I think you are concerned about the right things, but if you are engaged to this guy maybe you didn't fully see the seriousness of these issues until recently? Its really hard to put the brakes on once you have the wedding choo-choo train in motion, but you are raising some real issues that give pause. I guess the one thing that is confusing to me is that you say he agrees with you on your characterization of his parents. Does he really see if father as an abusive, lecherous coot? And his mother as a manipulative needy person with poor boundaries? Does he see flaws in himself and believe they are the direct result to how he was raised?

I don't see that he fully has processed those things. Or if he has, he has not learned how to then position himself in a healthy place in relation to these "not perfect" people. For example, the abusive father. Does he recognize his father's behavior toward himself or his mother as abusive? Would he expose your children to such abusive rants, or would he be willing to cut off or greatly reduce contact with his father if his father continued his current behavior once you have kids? Does he realize that just being *exposed* to such abuse is harmful and toxic, even if the rants are not directed at the kids? If he does realize such behavior is harmful and toxic, why does he want to subject you to it (without apology or acknowledging the imposition)? Why does he subject himself to it instead of leaving promptly whenever it begins or something. Similarly, if he hasn't figured out a reasonably effective way to deal with his mother's manipulations she will be in a position to make your lives hell. Its a critical skill, just like he needed to learn certain skills in order to be in a healthy adult relationship.

He somehow survived his upbringing and learned a lot of coping methods in the process. The coping methods a child learns aren't always the best ones from an adult perspective. Maybe he just learned to stay ultraclose to his mother and always cave to her demands. Maybe he grew accustomed to his father's abusive rants and doesn't see them as harmful. Helped him survive childhood, but those methods might be keeping him from seeing things as you do however, and keeping him from developing healthier adult methods of dealing with his parents.

My gut here says that he needs some individual therapy to see his parents in a different light. *Maybe* couples therapy as a place to start with your concerns, but he has to want to change how he sees them and deals with them and they are his parents and have a looooong history in his life, so I think individual therapy for him to talk out his issues at some point would be most useful. But him going to therapy because you tell him to isn't enough unless he buys in to the need for it soon after and is willing to do some hard work. If that doesn't happen, or he doesn't come to some realizations through talking to you, you will have some tough choices to make.

 

[elleaney]

Kaleigh, thanks. I''m realizing more and more just how true that saying is! Unfortunately I don''t believe FFIL would ever consider therapy. He is very set in his ways and you''re right, he is very angry. I wish he had dealt with his anger issues as a young man.

Cara, thank you so much for your response. You are totally in tune with the situation, and you are so right about what the real issue here is. If my FI admitted FFIL is a lecherous coot (perfect characterization by the way), tried to protect me from him, minimized my exposure and apologized for subjecting me to him I would be ecstatic. I would be equally satisfied if, like you said, he would prefer to not cut off all contact, but would if it was necessary to protect me and the future kids. The same goes for what you said about FMIL. That would absolutely be different. I could work with that, easily and happily. And I don''t take cutting family members out of one''s life lightly. My father grew up with an abusive family member and I''m sympathetic with how difficult it can be to make that decision.

I think you''re right about him not fully processing the situation. I''m beginning to think he will agree with me about his parents in order to quickly dismiss it as an issue. He has sworn up and down to not raise our kids the "way he was", but this may be lip service, I''m not sure. I am trying to impress upon him the fact that his father is abusive, and that exposing our future children to his toxic behavior, regardless of who it is aimed at, is NOT acceptable to me. I''m afraid he may feel that once kids are in the mix, this won''t happen. He has said though that *if* it does, he wouldn''t subject our children to it. To me it is not if but when.

I so wish that he would agree to individual therapy. At this point, I''m trying really hard to get him to consider couples therapy.

This is all so complicated. Thanks again for your thoughts.

 

[vespergirl]

Elleaney, I''m sorry that you''re having to deal with this. I was engaged to a man for a year that came from a similar family background as your FI, and I chose to break off the engagement.

My ex-FI had the same type of father - misogynistic, verbally and emotionally abusive to his wife & kids, and always "hugged" me for inappropriately long times. I talked to ex-FI and his brother about it, and they laughed that he was always like that with their girlfriends/wives. Yuck.

Because of his abusive upbringing, FI had many unresolved anger issues. Even though he was the perfect boyfriend, as soon as we got engaged, he became too possessive, verbally and emotionally abusive, and finally, after a year, physically abusive. After the one time he laid his hands on me, I gave him back the ring and kicked him out of our apartment, ending our relationship. He then finally agreed to go to anger management counseling, which I had begged him to do for the previous year, but as soon as he saw there was no way I would take him back regardless, he dropped out of counseling, which proved to me that it was just a ploy to win me back.

Even though your question is about in-laws, I think that you should also examine your relationship with your FI. If he recognizes (or doesn''t) that his family dynamic was messed up, yet refuses to seek counseling to learn how to break old patterns, I fear that your lives may end up the same as the life that he had growing up. If you don''t like it now, you definitely won''t like it 10 years from now when you have a couple of kids and feel trapped. Yes, a good relationship with the ILs is very important, but it''s more important that your relationship with your FI doesn''t turn into a carbon copy of theirs after you have fallen into traditional husband and wife roles.

I am not saying that your FI is a bad guy and shouldn''t be given a chance, but I agree that he would probably benefit from some counseling, and then also maybe the two of you could go for couples premarital counseling to make sure that you have similar expectations of how you will communicate during marriage.

I am wishing both of you luck - if you choose to marry him, I think that you will have to try to keep your distance from your in-laws. I am lucky to have ended up with some great in-laws, but if yours have boundary issues, it''s best to keep them at arm''s length.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 4/21/2010 12:13:28 AM
Author: TravelingGal

IMHO it is absolutely important...IF your husband-to-be does have a relationship with them.

This was going to be my response.

For me, getting along with my inlaws was absolutely important as was finding someone who got along with my family. My mom and brothers were my world for most of my life and I couldn''t see myself with someone that didn''t feel the same as I do about them. My FI loves my mom and more importantly, he respects her. He gets along really well with my brothers. Even though we are not married, he sees my family as his family. When we are going through something, he''s right there with us.

I feel the same about his family. I love them even though my MIL drives me crazy

. We''ve been together for a long time (8 years) and his mom is like a second mother to me. His dad is like my dad.

The issues I have with my inlaws, I try to work out without causing too much friction because FI is extremely close to them. When I do complain about something and tell him to talk to his mom, he does but I can see the agony in his face. That''s why I pick my battles with them wisely. If she makes annoying comments about what I should/shouldn''t do with DD, I come on here and vent or roll my eyes when she isn''t looking but I don''t run to FI to complain.

But if it''s something big, I do tell FI to talk to them because at the end of the day he and I are a new family and we come first. I think that if you really feel uncomfortable about how your FIL is treating you, then that''s something your FI should address. But again, choose your battles wisely. As Tgal mentioned, your FI isn''t going to cut ties with them any time soon.

 

[Sabine]

Ditto Cara that what really matters is that you and your FI see the situation in the same light and can come to an agreement on how to deal with the problems that arise. That way you are dealing with things together, and while it can be annoying, it won''t hurt your marriage. I think if you end up on different sides when it comes to dealing with family, it will really tear you apart.

 

[jewelz617]

Here''s what I have discovered about in-laws.

Yes, when you marry someone you marry the whole family, in a sense. But IMHO what''s even more important than how your ILs are behaving, is how strong you and your fiance remain as a couple, how well he sticks up for you, and how much BS he''s willing to put up with.

I don''t really get along with my MIL. I like her and she''s a great grandmother, but she has not always been the easiest person to warm up to. When I was pregnant with my first baby, she offered to take me shopping for baby stuff. Right in the middle of the store she offered to buy me a gigantic box of condoms and told me she didn''t want me getting pregnant again because we didn''t make enough money to be having a baby in the first place.

Then she offered for us to live with her for a few months while my husband was between jobs and we didn''t want to renew a year lease at our apartment. One night while I was out, she threw away things that belonged to me. Just straight up threw them away without asking, then got mad when I expressed how angry and violated I felt.

Boundaries and a strong union are really important when dealing with in-laws. Some people have no boundaries. I am big on boundaries and so is my family, so it was rough for awhile. And it can be very hard for my husband because he wants to defend his family, but we just do not come from the same upbringing. My family is very private and reserved. My in-laws are not. It doesn''t mean they are bad people, it just means we do not have the same views on life.

Ultimately you need to respect that your fiance loves his family and wants to maintain a relationship. Of course he does! You can''t expect him to cut them off so you can move forward with the relationship you want. But that doesn''t mean he has to dismiss your concerns. This process can take years. So the best advice I can offer as someone who has been there, is make your boundaries clear.

By making boundaries clear, I mean don''t be afraid to speak up! If MIL is making inappropriate comments or gossiping, nip it right then and there. "I asked you to keep that information private because I trusted you. I ask that you please respect that." If she turns on the tears, get on the phone and say "I''m sorry you are so upset, but unfortunately these plans are not going to work for us tonight. When can we reschedule?"

If FIL is being inappropriate, leave. Simple as that.

Nothing stops people like this in their tracks faster than calling out their bad behavior and letting them know in the nicest way possible that you are not going to indulge them in it for one second. Maybe your FI needs to follow YOUR good example.

 

[movie zombie]

cara and vespergirl said it all for me. if you don''t like it now, you''re going to absolutely hate it after you''re married. please have a long engagement with counseling to work this out with your FI.....because this really is all about your relationship with him.

mz

 

[anchor31]

Wow. You could have described my ILs (to the exception that FIL has never been physically inappropriate with me). DH also is very aware of the disfunctionality of his family, but will not cut ties. I don''t blame him, they''re his family after all and he loves them despite everything.

So far, what I''ve been doing is remaining civil yet avoid potentially uncomfortable situations. MIL is a gossip... I don''t share personal details. FIL and MIL start arguing... I leave. FIL starts complaining about stuff he knows nothing about... I go to my happy place and let him rant. MIL throws fits when she doesn''t get her way... I ignore her. She wants to cry and manipulate... I let her. Those are their issues and I''m not going to let their issues affect me. DH has slowly started to act this way with them as well and it''s been very helpful.

As for your worries about a future family, it''s very hard to predict. I believe however, that it''s not just a matter of how he was raised, but also his personality. DH is extremely hands-on and loving with our 3-month-old son, and both him and MIL have told me that FIL was never like this. The major difference in their case is, I believe, that FIL had a family because it was expected of him and he is extremely resentful, whereas one of the first things DH told me when we met 7 years ago (he was 21!) was that he wanted children. In your case, I don''t know your FI at all so it''s hard to say.

No matter how disfunctional they are, of course he''s going to be defensive if you comment on them... I am too, and they''re not disfunctional. Criticising your FI''s family is the worst thing you can do, even if he knows what you say is true.

We''ve been living way too close to them for the past year (15 minutes drive). They''ve visited us maybe 3 times during that time and once since our son was born, so that hasn''t been so bad. However, they expected us to visit them and go places all the time (even with the baby) and always blame me if we don''t. Again, I ignored it. I had a very uncomfortable pregnancy and I''m not going to screw up my son''s sleeping schedule for them, so you know, whatever. DH does agree that they exaggerate most of the time so it hasn''t caused problems in our marriage. Thankfully, we have decided to double the distance between them and us (and put a major island city, which means traffic jams and bridges) between them and us when we bought our house. DH wanted to stay in the area at first, but I urged him to compromise, since we are 15 minutes away from his family and 1 hour from mine now; the house will be at about equal distance. I can''t ask DH to cut ties with his family, but I think putting a little distance will help him feel less pressured by them.

In that sense, I would recommend trying to find middle grounds and compromises. Pick your battles, and avoid placing yourselves in potentially harmful or embarrassing situations. And finally, asked yourself this: Would living without your FI be worst than having his family has ILs? I had to ask myself that during our eengagement (which was a fiasco because his family turned everything into major drama)... I know it''s not easy.

Good luck!

 

[elleaney]

Vespergirl, Fiery, Sabine, PinkAsscher and MovieZombie, thanks so much for your responses and sharing your experiences. It really does help for me to hear about others situations. I''m trying to process all of this and decide what to do. I completely agree that this is all about FI and I being on the same page, and that is crucial in a marriage. I plan to sit down with him and see if we can flush out some of these issues. I really think he needs to understand how important this is to me and should be to him. Hopefully he will consider counseling as well.

Thanks again.

 

[Lilac]

I can''t stand my ILs - my FIL is a very angry, critical person who never sees the good in anything. My MIL is an extremely manipulative woman who cries and screams and uses any tactics necessary to get her way. They both are so harsh and critical to my husband (and now to me as well) that it makes us feel like we don''t matter and nothing we care about is important.

My husband was raised to feel like nothing he ever did was good enough and his feelings never mattered at all. As he got older, and then we met and started dating, he realized that it wasn''t normal to have parents who made him feel like that and he began distancing himself. He realized that he didn''t deserve to be treated the way his parents treated him and he saw how they treated me and it made him upset to see that too. The main thing for us was that he *realized* his parents were wrong and he did not like the way they treated me (or how they treated him) - he never wanted to end up like them, especially when we had kids and became parents ourselves. He has told me many times that if I ever see him acting like his parents I should call him out on it. It has happened once or twice, I mentioned to him that his father would say the same thing or act the same way or something along those lines, and he would stop immediately. He never wants me or our children to feel the way his parents made him feel growing up, so he has made a conscious effort to make sure he doesn''t act like they do.

I think getting along with ILs is definitely important, but unfortunately it''s just not possible for everyone. I don''t think I''ll ever get along with my MIL or FIL, because despite how many times I''ve tried over the years, they just don''t seem to care about having a relationship with me. But I do think it''s extremely important to have a fiance/husband who understands why you don''t get along and defends you if they ever say anything bad about you. I think the most important thing for me was that my husband understood my feelings on his parents (he felt that way himself) and he HIMSELF wanted to prevent turning into his parents when he gets older. He has distanced himself and I have no doubt that when we have kids one day he will tell his parents not to treat our children the way they treated him. He doesn''t defend what his parents do or say because he knows it''s wrong.

On my end though, I don''t want him to push away his parents to the point where he doesn''t speak to them at all. Despite how I feel about them, I still want my husband to maintain a relationship with them because I don''t want him to just stop speaking to his parents. I think he might end up being resentful if that happened, and I just think he should still talk to them. I know the way they act makes him very sad and he wishes he had parents who treated him better - but I think it would be even worse if he just cut off all contact with them. So I push him to call them every few days and just have a 5-10 minute conversation with them. If they start insulting him or me, he tells them he has to go and ends the phone call. But I do think it''s important for him to maintain some contact with them.

So to answer your question, I don''t think you need to get along with your in-laws, but I do think it''s important for your fiance/husband to recognize that the ways they act are unhealthy. In-laws can definitely ruin marriages and get between spouses, and they can absolutely interfere once you have children. You and your fiance need to be on the same page when it comes to the in-laws and how to handle them if you want to be sure they can''t interfere. I think some premarital counseling could help (some people go for it even if there are no issues at all, so maybe it could be a good way to open the discussion and talk about how to handle it with the two of you and the advice of a therapist). If you''re in the room with a therapist, your fiance can''t really just sweep it all under the rug and decide it''s not something that needs to be discussed. You''ll have to listen to his side, he''ll have to listen to your side, and then the therapist can help you two decide how to handle it together.

Good luck!

 

[elleaney]

Anchor, thank you so much! Wow, it really does sound like we have very similar ILs. I''d say that since I first realized my FFILs true colors I have started distancing myself in some of the ways you have described. I try not to react to my FFILs angry rants or acknowledge my FMILs manipulative crying fests. I also keep a distance from them in general whenever I can, sometimes using my busy work schedule as an excuse. There was also an occasion where FFIL started to yell at FI about the way we chose to spend our money (specifically, FFIL heard that we were planning on taking a honeymoon after the wedding and this outraged him, for some unknown reason), and FI and I stood up and left. I was so proud of FI because we really don''t need to be subjected to this from his father. We are adults and can chose to spend money in the way that we see fit. Maybe I can use that situation as an example of what I think we should do in the future in order to protect out relationship from his negative influence.

Like you, I also believe that his personality is fundamentally different than his parents in many ways. Just like in your situation, his father wasn''t very loving or hands on with his children. Fi was mostly raised by nannies from birth until he went to kindergarten (not that there is anything wrong with having a nanny!) FI on the other hand adores children (I''ve seen him around my nieces and he really loves taking care of them) and can not wait to be a father.

We also live about 15 minutes away from them and I think a lot of these problems could be avoided if we lived further away. THe problem is that due to FIs profession, it is not feasible for us to move. ILs will never move either. The one thing I can''t complain about is that showing up unannounced at our home. They always call. I''m just worried that the amount they demand to see us will increase dramatically with children. I feel that honestly I will have an even lower tolerance for their disfunction when we have children.

Thanks again for your advice, I really appreciate it. I do need to remember to not criticize them, it is understandable that he would be sensitive about this issue so I need to tread lightly.

 

[elleaney]

Thank you Lilac, I appreciate hearing your experience.

I really wish my fiance had an easier time acknowledging the way his parents are, or that he could have realized it on his own like your fiance has. Its almost that he is so embarrassed/ashamed of the situation, while he will acknowledge it in passing, he doesn''t wan to talk about it or do anything to change it or make it better it in any way. I think part of it is his upbringing to just suppress your feelings/brush things under the rug. I do think counseling is a great idea, because we will be forced to listen to one another and acknowledge each other''s feelings.

And I agree about wanting to maintain some sort of relationship with his parents. I would really prefer for him to not have to cut them out of his life, because I know how hard that would be for him. I just wish he was more willing to work on creating an appropriate, healthy relationship. I tell him all the time that a relationship with your parents shouldn''t be like this. Your parents should be supportive, loving influences on your life. Perhaps their relationship would improve if we limited our time with them. Thanks again for your advice.

 

[joflier]

My advice is to not take this subject too lightly, or just let it go. I had some majorly crazy inlaws. (not crazy in a good way) They were good people overall.....but just crazy. Speaking from experience, inlaws (whether they mean to or not) have the capability of driving a huge wedge into your relationship. That''s a touchy subject to bring up to a partner, so just try to be soft and understanding about it. Make it clear that for your relationship to be on the top level, you NEED to have a discussion about it together, and come to an understanding that works for you both. Best of luck!!

 

[Laila619]

Hi and welcome to PS! I think getting along with ILs is pretty important. I mean, these people are going to be the grandparents of your children. You really do marry the whole family. You don't have to be the best of friends, but a mutual respect and appreciation of one another is necessary in my opinion. Even if you don't agree with the way they raised your FI (I don't really agree with the way my ILs raised my hub), they are still his parents and remember they raised the man you love and adore!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

You have gotten a lot of great responses here, but I thought I would add my 2 cents.

My MIL has borderline personality disorder and as a result, has a very poor sense of boundaries. There are no walls between members of the family and very high walls against everyone else. She hates me, truly does, and that does not break our marriage because my DH has set appropriate boundaries.

I can have a marriage to him with the ILs I have, but I could not have if he continued the same pattern as when he was growing up. He knew intellectually his family was off, but he didn''t really feel it until he started spending time with my family. Once he saw how a happy, healthy family interacted, he realized he no longer wanted the relationship he had with his and started setting boundaries. It was very difficult, but he is much happier now. My best advice is to have him see your family in action and see if it doesn''t help. But if it didn''t for my DH, I would not have married him, as much as I love him.

 

[anchor31]

elleaney - I'm glad I could help. I guess I'm a bit lucky as far as the geographic situation goes, since the house will be even closer to DH's work than our current apartment. I'm on maternity leave now but don't intend to go back to my old job, so it's a non-issue for me. Plus, it'll probably be easier for me to find work there later.

I read the other replies and wanted to reiterate the importance of boundaries, with your ILs and with your FI. For example, DH and I have decided that each of us will deal with whatever concern of respective families. If something unpleasant happens with my ILs and it need to be discussed, he handles it. If invitations need to be made to an event, I talk to my family myself and he talks to his. Too many times has his mother thrown fits about me replying "we'll check our calender, discuss it and get back to you" in a perfectly polite manner to her invitations... So if she has something to say, she goes through DH. Also, another crucial boundary to have with your FI is that he should not tolerate for any member of his family to criticise you as much as he wouldn't allow you to criticise them. His mother would throw fits and accuse me (to DH) of never wanting to see them and that they never got to see him because of me. It got old very quickly. If he wouldn't allow me to speak crap about them (which is totally normal), then why is it that he doesn't say anything when they speak crap about me?! Believe me, he has never done it again. Your FI needs to be able to stand up for you and tell them they are out of line, no matter how much he loves them.

ETA: I keep forgetting to reply to your original question... Is it important to get along with them? Put yourself in his shoes... How would you want your FI to behave with your family? I think it's important for you to try your best at it. Of course ideally they should try too, but that doesn't always work. My three golden rules are to avoid potentially harmful situations, let him handle them and always be polite.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I don't think that the awful in-laws are a deal-breaker, but you and your future husband must be on the same page regarding them or else they will always be a source of conflict.

My MIL is toxic and married a dangerous felon while he was still in prison (the second time), and she has changed the story of why he went to prison (both times) until it was all just an innocent misunderstanding (although he was originally charged with rape and plea-bargained out of it . . . real innocent). She lashes out at us about how "cruel" we are to her and cries and yells when she doesn't get what she wants. In my opinion, the felon thing is just a symptom of her poor judgment and erratic behavior, not the cause of it. She is also very manipulative and babies her children.

I've needed to understand that while DH knows rationally that her behavior is wrong and she has problems, he has a hard time verbalizing that. I think that the idea that the person who gave you life could be so messed up makes you question whether you could possibly be a normal, functional adult yourself. And I know that while my MIL has problems, she was in some ways a good mother, and it's not natural to completely divorce the good memories from the bad. So I do understand to a certain extent why my husband doesn't just say, "You're right, my mother is terrible. Let's just shun her!"

But what is important that he agrees with me that neither I nor our children will ever meet the felon, and he agrees that our children will never be alone with her. I suspect that at some point he'll crack under the pressure from her and ask if we can make an exception (he has already cracked after initially refusing to meet the felon himself), but I also know that he will defer to me if I hold strong.

So my advice is to make sure that you know what you are comfortable with and that you know what you will do if your boundaries are crossed. I have no problem leaving with the baby or kicking my MIL out if she does not act appropriately. I know that while DH may not jump for joy if I do this, he will support me if I am acting reasonably. You want to make sure you can expect that from your FI.

 

[elleaney]

Thank you so much everyone for your responses. I''m starting to feel like this can be manageable if I approach it in the right way. I have faith that my fiance will understand that the health of our relationship and future family will need to come before the toxic relationship with his parents. I really hope he doesn''t let me down.

Brazen_irish_hussy, thanks for your advice to have him spend time with my family in order to see what a healthy relationship with parents looks like. He has spent some time with my parents, but I''m not sure if its sunk in yet that he should expect that sort of respect, love, support, etc. from his own parents. He just seems to come away with the mentality of "sorry my parents aren''t perfect like yours." Ugh. Hopefully more time with them will help him realize he can get more out of his relationship with his parents by stepping up and not allowing them to manipulate, bully, etc. him.

Anchor, the strange thing in my case is that his parents actually like me (or at least say so and act that way around me). I am always sure to be polite, and in the beginning, I tried very hard to be accepting of them and be the sweet future daughter in law I would expect my own Mom to want. This goes back to their issues with boundaries, as they latched on to me but in their own dysfunctional way. FMIL used to email me constantly but now that I don''t engage her as often she may be starting to understand that I won''t tolerate her manipulative behavior, and don''t appreciate her gossiping about me and babying FI.

Phoenix, thanks for sharing your experience. My FI is like your DH as I believe he has problems actually verbalizing what he knows rationally to be a problem with his parents, which of course is natural as you say. Thanks for the advice on coming up with boundaries we can both agree on and making sure I have my FIs support.

Thanks everyone! You all are so helpful.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/21/2010 12:58:20 AM
Author: Kaleigh
You know that saying when you marry him, you are marrying his family?? So true.

Congrats and welcome to PS!!!

Agreed on both points - you are marrying not only your FI, and in a way, his parents and siblings, but also their family values and family culture. It is very important to get along with your ILs as long as your FI has a relationship with them. It will only worsen if you have children, so working on it now would probably be best

welcome!

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 4/21/2010 7:46:21 AM
Author: vespergirl
Elleaney, I''m sorry that you''re having to deal with this. I was engaged to a man for a year that came from a similar family background as your FI, and I chose to break off the engagement.


My ex-FI had the same type of father - misogynistic, verbally and emotionally abusive to his wife & kids, and always ''hugged'' me for inappropriately long times. I talked to ex-FI and his brother about it, and they laughed that he was always like that with their girlfriends/wives. Yuck.


Because of his abusive upbringing, FI had many unresolved anger issues. Even though he was the perfect boyfriend, as soon as we got engaged, he became too possessive, verbally and emotionally abusive, and finally, after a year, physically abusive. After the one time he laid his hands on me, I gave him back the ring and kicked him out of our apartment, ending our relationship. He then finally agreed to go to anger management counseling, which I had begged him to do for the previous year, but as soon as he saw there was no way I would take him back regardless, he dropped out of counseling, which proved to me that it was just a ploy to win me back.


Even though your question is about in-laws, I think that you should also examine your relationship with your FI. If he recognizes (or doesn''t) that his family dynamic was messed up, yet refuses to seek counseling to learn how to break old patterns, I fear that your lives may end up the same as the life that he had growing up. If you don''t like it now, you definitely won''t like it 10 years from now when you have a couple of kids and feel trapped. Yes, a good relationship with the ILs is very important, but it''s more important that your relationship with your FI doesn''t turn into a carbon copy of theirs after you have fallen into traditional husband and wife roles.


I am not saying that your FI is a bad guy and shouldn''t be given a chance, but I agree that he would probably benefit from some counseling, and then also maybe the two of you could go for couples premarital counseling to make sure that you have similar expectations of how you will communicate during marriage.


I am wishing both of you luck - if you choose to marry him, I think that you will have to try to keep your distance from your in-laws. I am lucky to have ended up with some great in-laws, but if yours have boundary issues, it''s best to keep them at arm''s length.

I totally agree.

 

[onedrop]

elleaney: welcome to PS! You''ve already received great advice from other posters, but I wanted to say that I think it''s great that you have thought about this issue before you actually got married. Imagine if you''d discovered the impact of your FI''s dysfunctional family over after you''d gotten married and had kids. At least this way you can take the time to sort things out before getting hitched.

My own relationship with my in-laws is a good one for the most part and I think it''s helped by the fact that an ocean separates me and DH.

The monkey wrench with me and DH is that he is from a culture where the family is VERY involved in each other''s lives. Whereas I have a very close immediate and extended family, who are at times nosy and pushy but nowhere near the extent that DH''s family. For this reason, I am elated that we don''t live near them. I cannot not imagine having to deal with the scrutiny that would ensue should we ever move to be closer to them. There are other cultural issues that color my view of my in-laws at times but I have learned to simply bite my tongue unless the situation is egregious. DH is very concerned with keeping me comfortable in precarious cultural situations and I think that is what has made it easier for us to avoid major issues between me and my in-laws. However despite the differences, I really like my in-laws and I feel they are very supportive of our relationship. My parents and the rest of my family love and like DH so we haven''t had any issues from my end.

I guess the main thing I am saying is that yes it is great if you have a good relationship with your in-laws. However, it is really more important for you and your FI to be united in how you manage the issues that might come up with his parents. If not, the situation could quickly become untenable.